the first time i saw her,
everything in my head went quiet.
all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
when you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
you donāt really get quiet moments.
even in bed, iām thinking:
did i lock the doors? yes.
did i wash my hands? yes.
did i lock the doors? yes.
did i wash my hands? yes.
the only thing i could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..
or the eyelash on her cheekā
the eyelash on her cheekā
the eyelash on her cheek.
i knew i had to talk to her.
i asked her out SIX times.. innn thirty seconds.
she said yes after the third one,
but none of them felt right,
on our first date, i spent more time organizing my meal by color than i did eating it,
or fucking talking to her..
she loved that i had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times,
OR twenty-four times if it was wednesday.
she loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are LOTS of cracks on our sidewalk.
when we moved in together, she said she felt safe.
like no one would ever rob us because i DEFINITELY locked the door eighteen times.
iād always watch her mouth when she talkedā
when she said she loved me,
her mouth would curl up at the edges.
at night, sheād lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights offā¦
and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.
sheād close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.
she said i was taking up too much of her time.
that i couldnāt kiss her goodbye so much because i was making her late for workā¦
when she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight lineā¦
when i stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk..
and last week she started sleeping at her motherās place.
she told me that she shouldnāt have let me get so attached to her;
that this whole thing was a mistake,
how can it be a mistake that i donāt have to wash my hands after i touch her?
and itās killing me that she can run away from this and i just canāt.
i canāt go out and find someone new because i always think of her.
usually, when i obsess over things,
i see germs sneaking into my skin.
i see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars..
and she was the first beautiful thing i ever got stuck on.
i want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheelā¦
how she turns shower knobs like sheās opening a safe.
how she blows out candlesā
now, i just think about who else is kissing her.
i canāt breathe because he only kisses her once.
āhe doesnāt care if itās perfect!
i want her back.. so badā¦
i leave the door unlocked.
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