synopsis: your anxiety gets the best of you and maki makes sure to ground you back to him when needed. (based off this request)
It’s been almost a month since you started dating your boyfriend, Maki, and things have been so dreamy. He texts you daily, waits for you after classes with your favorite cup of coffee, takes you on amazing dates and spoils you with gifts.
The dream, however, begins to crumble slowly when your anxiety begins to take over. It starts with the little things; a text you keep rewriting a few times before sending, a misunderstood joke that was left without a reply for hours, one brief look is all it took for you to spiral and convince yourself that you’ve done something.
This wasn’t something new, it was weaved into you like it’s your second nature and you could hardly brush those thoughts aside. You knew, the logical part of your brain, that not every delayed reply was a sign someone hated you. You understood, that’s how you’ve always been — you knew people got busy, they had lives that busied them. You were aware that you weren't under constant scrutiny, but the thick fog seeping into your head like smoke blocked your logic, it was becoming harder to hear and think clearly.
A few days later, you found yourself on edge. The habit of constantly checking your phone every few minutes started appearing again. You kept apologizing for things that didn't need apologies, the knot in your stomach twisting tightly with every notification appearing on your phone. It felt like you were waiting for something bad to happen yet, unaware of what it was.
You barely slept, tossing and turning at night as your thoughts took over. Every single conversation you had that day replayed itself the moment you closed your eyes, thoughts festering in your brain gnawing at the edges of your sanity, a monster that fed on your doubts.
Days have turned into weeks, the darkness seeping in your head grew to become unbearable, making even simple things feel exhausting. Maki noticed, of course he did when your replies became shorter, distant in their nature.
When he asked if you wanted to go out for lunch after classes — you would have some excuses prepared, claiming you had a headache or when he invited you to watch a movie later that night, you said you were tired and it’s not like those answers were exactly a lie anyways because the truth is that your energy were stretched so thin by your own thoughts and emotions that even being around someone you loved felt overwhelming.
You tried to tell yourself that it will get better, that eventually everything will be fine. You tried to stop overthinking, grasping at the edges for a sense of normalcy, but the days passed and progress doesn’t seem to be changing. Anxiety has dug its claws deep into your flesh, sinking into every fibre of your being with no sign of change anytime soon.
The soft buzzing of your phone pulled you from your thoughts,
' My puppy love ♡ '
baby, i miss u sm D:
can i come over and see u?
You stared at the screen, light burning into your eyes as you typed then deleted countless replies, the noise in your head getting louder as more thoughts rushed in, flowing like a river and before you could settle on a reply another set of messages came in.
baby
don’t shut me out please?
A heavy sigh left your lips, fingers felt too heavy typing back a simple ‘okay’, locking the phone and tossing it somewhere, the dread creeping up your back sending ice-like chills down your spine.
You’re not sure how long it’s been, submerged deep in your own thoughts only to be pulled back up to air when the soft bell of your apartment rang, echoing through the empty space. Feet padded against the wood to the door, a deep breath before you opened it as if bracing yourself to see Maki. When she opened it, her boyfriend stood there holding a takeout bag in one hand.
Upon seeing the state of you, his expression softened immediately. "You look tired," that simple observation nearly broke you, tears welling up at the ducts of your eyes, looking down in burning hot shame. It wasn’t because his words were cruel but because they carry the weight of the truth, the reality you’ve been living these past weeks and someone has finally noticed you, really looking at you.
"I'm fine,” forcing out a smile like you have been for the past weeks, words coming out automatically — you’ve said them so much that they’re starting to feel like a ritual, something natural like a reflex and your boyfriend looks unconvinced.
"Right," His answer and expressions carried enough doubt to make your stomach twist in knots, even tighter this time. He held up the coffee holders slightly, bringing them up to your field of view, "I got your favorite."
"You didn't have to,” you mumbled, your chest heaved, aching with pain that rendered you speechless. "I know,” Maki’s answer was immediate, natural and clear of doubts, "I wanted to," he added.
The knots in your stomach became tighter, your chest ached in ways that made it feel so hard to breathe, his kindness was overwhelming — something you’re not used to accepting or receiving especially lately. You stepped aside to let him in, making space for him to move.
The apartment was quiet — too quiet — and it was a wreck, mirroring the headspace you were living in. The dishes sat untouched in the sink, blankets and pillows strewn everywhere as evidence of your late night studying last night, curtains unopened despite the great sunny weather outside. It was as if you were existing in survival mode rather than living for yourself and enjoying your life.
Maki’s eyes wandered, taking in the sight of everything but his expressions remained unchanged, he didn’t comment about the state of your living space, didn’t judge it as well, just moved to the living room to set down the drinks on your coffee table, "Have you eaten today?" and you nodded, “I had breakfast earlier…” he smiled, handing you your cup of coffee. “That’s good, baby.”
You sat together on the couch, sipping on the cold drink as the television played quietly in the background, abandoned as both of your attentions were elsewhere. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn’t as suffocating as the quiet nights you stayed up alone accompanied by your doubts, but this silence between you wasn't normal either. Eventually, Maki spoke up, setting his cup down and turning to face you, "Something is happening" "No, it's not,” your answer came in quickly, like it’s been practiced for countless nights.
"Something is," he insisted, "and you need to tell me what, so I can help,”
Your eyes immediately looked down, finding interest in the rug beneath your feet. This type of conversation always feels heavy, suffocating and you’ve been trying to avoid it as much as you can. "Talk to me, please don’t keep this from me"
Your lips quivered at his tone, desperate and painful and so willing to help that it broke you. you dug your nails into your palms to hold back the tears from falling. "I'm sorry," the apology slipped out before you could stop it.
"For what?" He remained gentle, brows furrowed in confusion. "I-I don't … know,” it made you chuckle humourlessly, finding your situation amusing. "I feel like I'm messing everything up," voice strained as the words left your mouth before you could stop them, “I keep overthinking every single thing, I’m cancelling plans, I’m barely attending classes and doing any work, look at my place it’s a mess!”
Warmth spread through your body once his hands found yours, holding them tightly — grounding you, steadying your racing heart that doesn’t seem to stop. "You don't need to apologize for these things."
“Maki I can’t make it stop, these thoughts are rushing in my head 24/7 and it’s driving me crazy! I feel so weak, and I'd hate for you to see me like this. It's embarrassing," your hands were starting to shake, breathing became uneven as panic settled in your chest, between your ribs. “I’m scared,” your voice shaky, "I'm scared if you see me like this, my imperfections and my flaws, they’d drive you away… and I don't want to lose you, Maki.”
He scoots closer, his free hand moving to cup your cheek warmly, pulling you towards him. “Baby… I'm not perfect either, we’re human after all. We’re faulted by design and that’s okay I love you regardless.”
“What if one day, you change your mind and decide that I'm not worth all my troubles and leave?” doubt laced into your words, and you were unable to control it no matter how hard you tried, “because this is it for me Maki, you’re all i see, all i care about, all i love, no one else,”
His hand strokes soft circles on your cheeks, still holding you gently — like a fragile doll that could easily break with a single wrong move, "I understand, these same doubts often wander into my thoughts too but baby, this is it for me too. You’re my girl, my only girl, and I've never been so sure about someone as I am with you,”
You intertwined your fingers with his, holding him tightly, “what if—” “no more what ifs, baby. You don’t have to deal with this alone, you got me and I got you.” and you nodded slowly, the words knocked out of your chest and the thoughts plaguing your mind weren’t satiated but you think with Maki by your side, assuring you, maybe there's change in hope.
