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Jun 21

THE SPACE BETWEEN HEARTBEATS Y.JW

synopsis: He made you a promise, no matter where the stars led him he would always return home to you. Sometimes fate tests promises and the stars don’t always align how you planned. 365 days, thats how long he’d been stranded. A year of aimlessly drifting through space, confined to the infinite stretch of stars and sky. Nothing there but time and distance, distance that keeps him awake at night for the heart-wrenching fact of knowing that it kept him from you. Lightyears away from the one he loved, and your intertwined fates were left at the unpredictable will of space. Your hearts that once beat as one, were miles apart an unspeakable space between them.

log: yang jungwon & fem!rea ⋆♱✮ fluff/angst 16k wc ༯ contains! non idol enhypen. astronaut jungwon ꫂ Ot7───★˙nainais library !!

℘an᭪ : I’ve been sitting on this fic for quite some time now, and its one of my favorite tropes out of all that I’ve written so far so I hope you guys enjoy this one. This fic truly does mean the world to me and it's the first time that i've written something this long. I really put my heart into this one and after weeks of bouncing back and forth between this and chrome hearts i'm finally done. Special thank you to @heesmiles and @filmsbyun for helping me with title ideas.

warnings: suicide jokes, mentions of death, panic attacks & depressive episodes

📼 PLAY ME

INTERLUDE

You were used to the sound of his heartbeat, a consistent melodic thump against his chest that synchronized with your own when you touched. Every hug, every kiss, fingers tracing skin, nights spent entrapped in the sheets speaking soft whispers while legs intertwined, your hearts had always beat as one. Interpersonal Synchronization that’s what they called it— the phenomenon where two individual hearts align. Just like the stars, yours and Jungwons heartbeats had always been synced from the early stages of childhood friendship to, to the early stages of your marriage. Two different souls intertwined and bound to one another linked by their unconditional love for each other.

From the moment Jungwons eyes found you amongst all of the other kids he’d known right then and there he would be the one to love you until death parted you. Seven years old when he found you sitting beneath a tree on the playground, book in your lap— the way you read while absent mindedly picking at the grass and flowers beneath you had fascinated him then. if anyone else had seen it they'd say it was nothing special, you loved to read? So did hundreds of others…you loved flowers?? So did other girls. You were a simple girl, quiet, well kept, intelligent for your age, maybe even more than him and while most would find that threatening or intimidating it only made his admiration for you grow.

He’d start to pick up on small things you did, the way you nervously fiddled with your uniform skirt when anxious, straightening your lashes with your fingers or twirling them in your shirt when you were deeply immersed. Never found without a book in your hands, a social butterfly but for the most part you seemed to favor being alone. Sweet soft-spoken girl who was intelligent beyond comparison yet shied away whenever she was assigned presentations, or chose to do citations in front of the class. The girl who’s eyes lit up at the mention of her favorite things, who stared at with fascination and curiosity swimming behind those eyes upon first meeting.

Then as the two of you grew older you had become more confident, more sure of yourself. Still that sweet and attentive girl he’d always known just grown up now, more secure in who she was. The girl that never took no for an answer, scolded him whether he was right or wrong, always spoke up for the things she was passionate about. The girl he realized that he would truly give the moon and the stars if he could capture them in his hands.

The moment his fate became intertwined with your own he vowed to never let you go even before marriage vows were exchanged at the altar. Sixteen years old, the two of you had stayed out past the setting sun, long enough to see the moon take its place. You were fast asleep on his shoulder while watching the stars and he whispered his sacred vow to take care of you for as long as he lived, like the stars in the sky you were precious to him. An unspoken promise to you of being kept, no matter how long time dragged on or how far apart the two of you were he would always return to you.

A promise that would be broken years later, not by him but by fate, by the unpredictability of space and its undying will to keep the two of you apart. Hearts no longer in sync, no longer aligned due to the distance between the two, the distance between your heartbeats.

THE SPACE BETWEEN HEARTBEATS

“Count the stars backwards then forwards, by the time the last star is accounted for I’ll be home, i'll always come back to you” - yjw

In the empty living room you sat, dark circles beneath your eyes as you listened to the soft ticking of the clock, eyes trained on staring at the starful sky then the pictures on the wall that once gave comfort—- now they just haunted you. This had become a routine if yours, forcing yourself to stay awake until you were on the verge of chronic insomnia. You wouldn’t dare sleep, couldn’t, not when he was out there, not when you’d gone so long staying up late nights waiting for him to walk through those doors, for him to return to you.

July 16th 2024 that was when you heard the news, fingers trembling, thoughts sent awry, you were forced to come to grasps with the fact that the love of your life wasn’t coming home. Words through the phone slipped through one ear and out the other as they explained it to you. A bunch of technical bullshit that seemed not so important at the time of being told because the only important detail that mattered was your husband, the man you’d loved since eleven years old was stranded in space. You cried yourself to sleep that night, and nights after. Your friends and family tried their best to reassure you that he was okay, that they’d find him and he’d come walking through that door just like he had after every other trip. But it's been a year since then and you were starting to find it hard to come to grasp with the fact that he may have been long gone.

A year, a year of uncontrollable tears and forcing yourself to get out of bed for work and errand runs. You were on autopilot, a continuous get up and go that couldn’t be ceased until you knew he was okay, until you knew he’d be coming home but so much time had gone by and you heard nothing. Not one update on his whereabouts or if they were even searching to bring him home, and maybe that was your own fault. You’d shut out his friends and coworkers, you avoided every tabloid with the mention of his name. Not that you didn't want to know it was just too painful to be aware, painful to know that the distance between you and him was unattainable. You had never felt so alone without him, but the worst feeling was knowing that he was truly alone. Drifting through the silence of space with no company other than the stars and the moon— the same moon that you begged to bring him home safely with every passing night.

A knock at the door pulls you from your thoughts, forcing you to look away from the pictures of Jungwon long enough to see your best friend push open the door and come inside.

“Sheesh you have it so cold in here.” He shivers as he makes his way into the kitchen setting down a handful of grocery bags.

“I told you you didn’t have to come by today's bin.” You respond, exhaust evident in your tone as you reaffirm the words you’d previously spoken to him.

Soobin simply brushes off your words as he shuffles to put away all of your newly supplied groceries and pre cooked meals. He, Beomgyu and Taehyun had spent hours cooking for you— while also arguing who’d be the one to bring it to you. “You tell me a lot of things but we both know I’m not known for my listening skills.”

A slight smile curls onto your lips as you let out a lighthearted laugh. You were truly grateful for Soobin and the others for being the ones to make you smile on days where you find it hard to ever live.

“Should have known better I guess.” You respond softly, pushing yourself up off the couch and joining him in the kitchen.

“Yes you should have.” He responds with a cheeky smile as he puts away the last of the groceries. You weren’t sure what to say at that moment but the silence was killing. You were tethering between wanting to say thank you and apologize to him for being a burden, but knowing Soobin he’d try to shut both down immediately, telling you the same thing he always did “that’s what friends are for.”

“What did you bring today?” You ask, the words coming out fainter than intended as you rest your head on your palms.

“Taehyun made bentos, Beomgyu made you a pasta bread bowl, and I went to a simple kimchi jjigae. There's rice in the cabinet when you’re ready for it.” He sets out each dish before you as he lists them out, laying your choices out as if he were waiting for you to decide so that he could make sure you were eating properly. “Thank you Binnie, it means a lot that all of you go out of your way for me like this. I wish I could..that I could repay you.” Soobin sucks his teeth at your gratitude, you were sure he wanted to tell you there was no need to continuously thank him but he held back.

It was obvious to him that you were tired, he was no stranger to the way your lifestyle had changed since getting the news about Jungwon. You’d stopped going into your shop, started eating and sleeping less, and often when you finally did sorry your schedule was completely fucked. Most of your days were starting to blend into one, a long continuous day of counting hours, minutes and seconds waiting to talk to the moon again.

“So..did you talk to any of them today?” He questions, a little hesitance in his tone as if he were walking on eggshells asking this.

“No.” You respond, blunt and straight to the point. No reason to lie or come up with excuses as to why you hadn’t spoken to any of them because he knew why.

“Yn you can’t shut them out, I know they were closer to him than they were to you but they care for you too, and i’m sure they’ve been hurting just as much over this as you have.” He responds, trying his best to convince you without overstepping.

“Soobin I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“Then when? It’s been a year and you haven’t spoken a word about him but everyone knows you miss him. You don’t sleep, barely eat unless someone's looking over your shoulder, you’ve stopped going into the book store and you’ve been avoiding all of the people that care about you, you can’t hold it in it’s been a year. You have to talk about it, about him.” The silence that lingered between the two of you was loud and painful, but you weren’t sure what to say. Soobin was right, he was always right but you weren’t ready to accept the inevitable. You didn’t want your mind to linger on the what ifs or maybes.

Soobin sighs, resting his palms against the counter as he watches you searching your brain for the right words to say that could get you out of this conversation. “yn if you won’t talk to any of us then maybe you should see someone? A professional that can actually help, actually tell you how to cope.”

“You mean a therapist. Pay someone to sit and listen to my problems that I know can’t fix my heart. Can a therapist bring him back home to me? Can a therapist make up for a year of lost time with the man I desperately have been wanting to see since I got that call?” Soobins lips press into a thin line and he goes silent. He knew the conversation would go this way, it always had, but as much as he understood your pain he also understood that this was not healthy for you.

“And do you think Jungwon would be happy that this is how you’re choosing to live? Do you think he’d be happy knowing that his wife— the woman he calls his star, is sitting at home shutting everyone out, crying alone, not eating or taking care of herself?” Soobins persistence was starting to annoy you, no matter how many times you’d told him you were fine he’d always made it a priority to pull the things out of you that you tried desperately to hide.

“He wouldn’t yn. And you know just as well as I do that whether he's 5 feet away or millions he’d agree with me on this. I’m not saying that you have to go and love it, hell if you go for a week and it doesn’t help the blame me and you never have to step foot in the place again but you can’t just let this build up. Please.” Your eyes searched for the smallest hint of him giving up, of him just letting this go and letting you continue to deal with it as you always had but he wasn’t giving up, not on you.

“One week bin, i'll go for one week.”

“Perfect because I already scheduled your first appointment before I got here.” He responds, turning around to put away the rest of your drive for tomorrow.

“fucker.” You mumble under your breath while turning to crawl back out the couch.

“I heard that, and I love you too.” You scrunch up your nose at him, giving a side eye of fake annoyance as you watched him heat up the bento for the two of you to share— because he knew you wouldn’t eat it all alone.

——

There was nothing or no one to keep him company and the silence had become tantalizing. Not a peep was heard throughout the entire place. Not the soft hum of an air conditioner, the ticking of the clock that once rang familiar in his ears, even the sound of the old creaky floor back home had been missed by him. Most of all he missed you, he missed your lips, your smile, your laugh, he missed resting his head against your chest and listening to the faint sound of your heartbeat, a sound he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to hear again at this point.

Jungwon had never been a pessimist, he was always certain that every failure made you come back two times better, every loss made you stronger, that no matter how tough life got it was sure to get better. He knew the grass was greener on the other side, it had to be, Right? He’d told himself that many times throughout his life, he convinced himself that he could fix anything, solve any problem if he just stayed positive but he couldn’t fix this, this was a problem that he couldn't solve, not on his own. He was alone, losing the little hope he had left, hope of getting back to you and holding you like none of this ever happened.

Every day for the past 365 days he’d wondered what you were doing, if you were okay or if you ever thought about him. He wondered if you were waiting for him, or if you’d moved on, found someone to love you in his absence and give you all the affection that he was so desperately missing from you. A sigh spills from his lips as he stares out the shuttle window, the same view he’d had for the past year now making him sick to his stomach rather than giving him a sense of security. The stars were dizzying, solemn because they were something he couldn’t escape. The one thing he’d always loved most in this world (other than you of course) was driving distance between the two of you.

“Riot thirteen this is Yang.” He hesitates for a moment, part of him still held onto the belief that someone would hear him, but the other part was losing faith. “I’m still here…if you can hear me…just…just tell yn that I love her, that I don’t know how or when but I’ll come home to her. I'll make sure that I get to her. If I’m going to breathe my last breath it won’t be here. It’ll be with her.” Silence, the other line was always silent. He was starting to wonder why he even tried.

The endless stretch of stars outlined by the swirls of purple and blue were becoming more haunting by the day. A reminder that hec remained trapped within the very place that once gave him comfort. He had never felt nervous or frightened when it came to his space adventures, mostly because he was always so sure he’d return to you. But here and now it was hard to choke back his nerves or fear that he just might not make it home to you, that you’d lost him without ever getting the chance to say goodbye.

You had been fast asleep when daylight broke, one of the scarcity of nights in which you had finally gone to sleep at a decent time. You didn’t know if it was the fatigue of crying yourself to sleep once soobin had gone or if he’d given you enough hope of getting better that aided in your decent slumber for once but you were thankful. It didn’t last though, you were woken up to the sound of curtains being drawn back and Soobin screaming an annoying wake up call.

“Rise and shine Bella, therapy awaits.” With an annoyed groan you stuff your face into your pillow to block out the sun.

“Five more minutes.” You grumble, Soobin immediately dismisses your words as they’re muffled due to your face being stuffed into the underside of your pillow.

“Five more minutes will turn into an hour with you, come on up.” Tearing the covers off of you he throws them aside, realizing you still weren’t making any moves he hoists himself up onto the bed and starts to jump. “Get upp, you promised you’d put in the effort for at least a week, time to get up Bella.”

“I'm starting to regret my decision.” You groan, finally pulling the pillow from your face and throwing it aside. “And who the hell is Bella?”

“Bella you know, twilight..? Remember how she got all sad and depressed when Edward left. She's just like you, that's literally you.” He explains, jumping down from your bed and dismissing the judgmental look you’d been giving him.

“You’re comparing my real life situation to a fictional vampire movie?? Gee thanks.”

“Get up, I told her we’d be there by 10, but i figured we could stop and get breakfast before hand because I know you wouldn’t eat otherwise.’’ He explains, while pulling the covers from the bed forcing you to get up.

“Okay I get it, if you don’t want me lying back down get out so I can get dressed.’’ you respond with a half smile as you chuck a pillow in his direction which he easily dodges. He gives you a silly salute before throwing the pillow back in its place on your bed and giving you privacy to get changed.

A sigh spills from your lips as you’re finally alone and your eyes drift to the empty side of the bed, his side. You can’t help but feel a pang in your chest as your gaze falls upon the empty bedside table that housed nothing but a stack of books and a photo of you and him– A photo the both of you had taken at the park when you first found out the news that he was working for NASA.

You had always known that Jungwon was determined to reach that goal, his love for astronomy and wonder for the stars and space had always shone bright since the two of you were kids. You loved how passionate he was about it , and you’d never ceased to encourage him to reach for the stars, you just never thought that the stars would be the thing that stole him away from you. Finally you climb out of bed, shuffling over to the window and drawing back the curtains to peep the snowfall through your frosted window. Weather that you once loved because you knew it meant he’d be home– wrapping you in his arms while the two of you watched the snowfall from the back windows. This didn’t feel as happy, didn’t feel as intimate, it just felt dull and empty.

You could hear Soobin rushing from the other side of the door as you finally release the curtain and shuffle over to the closet. Throwing on the first thing you saw because that was all you really had the energy to do, dressing up was starting to feel like more of a chore the longer your feelings began to consume your everyday life

—

The soft ticking of the clock makes anxiety bubble up in the pit of your stomach, nervously fiddling with your fingers as you take in the details of the room. A brightly lit room with subtle decor, yet it was enough for you to glimpse into what kind of person this therapist had been. Photos aligned the wall furthest from you, a proud display of who you assumed to be her family and friends. A large window to the opposite of it, giving you a clear view of the bustling city outside of those very walls. Bookshelves aligned with psychological analysis books, and knickknacks that made the room feel almost homelike. There was something warm and comforting about the room, like the therapist had not only decorated for themselves but for the comfort of her patients. As cozy as if it felt it made you no less nervous, after all you had never done anything like this before. Since Jungwon had left you found it hard to utter a word about your feelings, you yourself weren’t even sure what you’d been feeling most times. Some days you’d felt so much that it made your heart heavy; many nights you’d cry yourself to sleep, but there were also days where you felt so empty, like a hollow shell so fragile you were just waiting to break.

The click of the door lulls you from your thoughts, and the smell of fresh tea leaves and lavender invades your nostrils, your tired eyes now focus on the figure that had just entered the room. A tall slender woman, long black hair just below her shoulders, peach skin littered with freckles, and eyes that you couldn’t quite make out their color but you were sure they were a light hazel. She entered poised and pacific, a tray with a matching set of teacups and a marble teapot in her hands as she entered the room, steam rising from the pot as if the water was freshly boiled. She gives a comforting smile as she enters and sets the tray down, the kind of smile that a friend would give as if they’d known you for years and it felt comforting. You didn’t know if it was your surroundings, or the fact that she’d walked in so casually in her light blue sweater and white slacks, but it felt comforting, like going back home for the holidays and finding that your mother had brewed fresh coffee or tea just for you.

“I wasn’t sure what kind of tea you liked, so I settled for lavender.’’ She explains as she sets down the tray, her voice was soft and gentle, a fragile sound that didn’t break the ambience of the silent room, a voice that would lul one to sleep or wrap them in its comfort.

“That’s okay.’’ you respond, the volume of your voice a near whisper, as if you’d break the flow if you spoke too loud.

“Would you like some?’’ she asks, filling her own cup before hovering over the second cup on the tray, not pouring until you confirm.

“I’d love some thank you.’’ she fills your own cup before sliding it over to the table and taking a sip from her own cup with a soft hum. You expected the lingering silence to be awkward, almost overwhelming but it wasn’t. She didn’t watch you drink, didn’t force you to speak or rush you to gather your thoughts; she just let you sit in silence with her until you were finally ready to talk.

“I’m sorry.’’ you finally blurt out with a sigh, giving her an apologetic glance as you cupped the tea in your hands, enveloping its warmth. “I’ve just never done anything like this before. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say..’’ you explain, fingers fiddling with the handle of the teacup.

“That’s alright, it’s only normal, we don’t have to rush into anything. I'd like for you to feel comfortable first before anything. I know it can’t be easy trying to convey your emotions to a complete stranger.’’ she gives an understanding nod before taking another sip of your tea, the interaction felt unfeigned, like she wasn’t just saying it to make you trust her enough to talk.

“I don’t know where to start..’’ she let out a breathy laugh, not because you found anything funny but because you felt burdensome, so many feelings consuming your thoughts yet you couldn’t bring yourself to voice a single one.

“Let’s start with how you’re feeling now.’’ you give her an unsure glance, to which she gives a reassuring nod, as if letting you know it was okay to feel, to be vulnerable for once instead of just acting like you were okay like you always tried to do with Soobin.

She observed the way you nervously fiddled with your fingers, how your pupils dilated almost as if you’d completely dissociated in that moment just to find the right words to say. She had seen it many times in her line of work, prominent in those that had made it a habit of suppressing their feelings. She had barely been in the room for longer than ten minutes, but she had easily sensed that you were someone who had a hard time expressing the way they felt.

“I don’t, I don’t really know how I feel. There's just this empty feeling lingering, like a silent forest devoid of joy or laughter, or sadness or anger. Like I'm broken most days. Sometimes I just sit on my bed and I stare at a wall trying to force myself to cry, to feel anything but it never works. I never shed a tear. Then there are days where my dejection completely consumes me and swallows me whole, like I've been dropped into the middle of the ocean and I'm sinking beneath the surface, struggling to breath or swim my way to the surface. Some days it feels so heavy, like i’m feeling so much its almost death-dealing.’’ your chest tightens as you’re able to finally verbalize how you’ve felt, the therapist just listens, she doesn’t interrupt or cease your verbalization she simply listens.

“I’ve tried, i’ve tried to force myself to be happy and to pull myself up when I fall, but it’s always short lived, When I start to think about Jungwon again, and how he must be alone…how I’ll never know what happened to him I fall apart.’’ finally you finish spilling your guts, and the room is silent again other than the ticking clock.

“Mm I see, because you’ve shut off those emotions so long, because you’re trying to force yourself to be happy again instead of grieving your body doesn’t know how to react. Anxiety, stress, depression..all symptoms of someone that's suppressed the way they feel for a long enough time that their brain doesn’t know what to make of it when they finally do feel. Sweetheart there's no time limit on grieving or mourning, you shouldn’t feel guilty for holding onto someone you love.’’ she pauses. “jungwon? He’s someone important to you?’’

“My husband, we’ve known each other for as long as I remember, married after college.’’ you explain, your throat tightening at the mention of time between the two of you.

“And now he’s?” she pauses, waiting for you to piece together the parts of your story she was unaware of, she figured that Jungwon was the root of these feelings, but she wouldn’t be quick to assume.

“He..well a year ago he left on a space trip for NASA, it was supposed to be a simple mission, test the air density and make records of it but he was supposed to come home after three days.’’ a lonely tear spilled down your cheek, as you recalled the events you’d tried so hard to shove down into the deepest depths of your memory. “A week passed, I tried not to be worried because sometimes his trips would often go over but then, then I got the call that they lost communications with him, they couldn’t reconnect with him, and they lost telemetry and command capabilities so they couldn’t- they lost all data about the spacecraft. They searched for months, tried to reestablish communication, they even sent more people out to search for him but.’’ you suck in a breath, trying to pull yourself together before you completely fall apart.

“It’s been a year, a year since then and I still don’t know if he’s okay or if he’ll ever come home. I don’t even know if he-’’ you pause and let out a shaky breath as if your mouth forbid you to say the words, your brain wanted to completely write off the idea of him being dead, of you having lost him completely.

“You’ve been holding onto the idea of closure.’’ she explains, placing a box of tissues onto the table and sliding it over to you.

“You’ve gotten no confirmation that the man you’ve known and loved your entire life is okay so your thoughts just keep drifting back to him and you aren’t able to move on. Until you get that closure your heart is always going to be a little heavy there's no way around it, but there are ways to distract yourself.’’ her words made you hopeful, she just sounded so sure, so confident in her craft that it gave you something to look forward to.

“I’ve tried everything, i’ve tried going back to work or going out with my friends again, i’ve spent so much time with my family but nothing has felt right without him here.’’

“Do you own a camera?” your brows draw together as you stare at her, confusion muddled all over your face. “A- a camera?’’

“I’m going to give you a task for the week until our next session, only if you decide to come back of course, I want you to channel your energy, and emotions into making logs. When you miss him, when you find yourself thinking about him I want you to grab your camera, or your phone and record something, whether it be a simple message for him or telling him about your day, you’ll make them as if the two of you are on a call. Not separated by space but as if he’s only halfway across the country listening to you talk about your day.’’ you weren’t sure how to respond, in that moment it sounded somewhat immaterial to the issue at hand. Up until this point every word that left her mouth felt credible, but you couldn’t bring yourself to believe that simply pressing a record on a camera and talking to yourself would help you feel any better.

When you left her office you were left feeling open and vulnerable, like someone had just seen right through you. Soobin stood outside as cheery as ever, leaning up against the car, arms crossed over one another as he waited for you to join him.

“Bella, where the hell have you been Loca?’’ he quotes to your annoyance, making you shake your head as you fight back a smile.

“You know you’re absolutely exasperating right? Your knowledge of this movie is completely unbearable.’’ you mumble, only getting a chuckle from him in response as he opens the door for you to get in.

“You love it though.’’ he gives you a cheeky smile while closing the passenger side door.

“So how did your first session go?’’ he questions, only glancing at you for a brief moment before returning his attention back to the road.

“It was okay.’’ you respond, watching as his lips press into a thin line.

“Only okay?’’

“Soobin it was therapy? What do you want me to say? Groundbreaking? Breathtaking?’’ you laugh, giving him a semi judgmental look. “It was refreshing I guess, I thought that it would be awkward but I felt relaxed, comfortable.’’

“Sooo will you go back.?’’ he questions, as if he’d been waiting to ask you that very question from the start.

“I’m not sure yet..’’ you pause, taking a moment to think over today's session as you stare out the window. “Oh that reminds me, before you take me home we need to stop at best buy.’’

“What could you possibly need from best buy?’’ his forehead creases and his eyes narrow in confusion at the sudden mention of best buy.

“I need a camera.’’

“A camera? You aren’t gonna go all Hannah baker on me right?’’ he questions, making you roll your eyes at him.

“No stupid, the therapist gave me a task and i’d rather use a fresh lens than my phone, it’ll be more authentic that way.’’

“Whatever you say, but if i get a box of tapes on my doorstep i will be sending it back to you in the afterlife.’’

“Stupid’’ you mumble under your breath, shaking your head at him before returning your attention back to the world outside. It had been so long since you’d left the house for something that wasn’t basic errands or grocery runs. For the first time in a year you found yourself enjoying the scenery again, basking in the beauty of the outside world.

Eventually you had to return home, stepping inside the air just felt heavy, like there was a shift of energy between the world beyond your doorstep. It was quiet, and the faint smell of vanilla and cinnamon hinted at your nose– the scent that Jungwon loved so much he needed the house to smell like it at all times. The house felt lonely now that it had just been you, the silence almost engulfing you and sending you back into that sad state that you always found yourself sinking into, but you remembered what Alicia had told you “when you feel yourself slipping into that dark place again just pick up your camera”. And so you did.

Taking the camera out of its box you place it on the coffee table before you after hitting record. For minutes you sat there silent, wracking your brain for something to say, anything relevant until you finally decided to just speak from the heart.

“I miss you..won. I know that it’s been a year and I should move on but I can't bring myself to give up on you or the fact that you might not be fully lost to time. It’s just hard, because you’ve always been here. Since I was seven years old you’ve been at my side..back then you were so sure that you loved me even at such a young age you’d always known what you wanted in life, even when our lives were headed in different directions you didn’t give up on loving me. I won't, I won't give up my hope that you’re okay. You waited fourteen years for me…i’ll wait a lifetime.’’ you didn’t realize when the tears had started to fall, but your cheeks were now fully stained with tears, the droplets seeping into the fabric of your pants.

“You’ll come home, I know you will..you promised me.’’

–

Jungwon had fully dissociated, it was the only way to stop himself from going mad. Head resting against the cold tiles he let the water from the shower run through his hair and down his back, the scorching water was less than torture as he stood confined to the prison of his own mind. He couldn’t get himself to stop thinking about if he’d never get home, never get to see you again. The spacecraft was starting to feel like more of a prison despite its luxury. He’d walked every hall over a thousand times, counted every star in the sky, slept for hours on end to past time and yet it hadn’t made his time on the ship any less unbearable. When he was younger he had pictured all the journeys he’d go on when he got to this point in life. So many memories of forcing his dad to help you and him build life sized spaceships out of cardboard and paper just for the two of you to play pretend. Always acting out scenarios of him drifting out to space, before returning home to you until it became a reality only this time he didn’t return.

A sigh spills from his lips as he towel dries his hair, tossing the towel off to the side before stepping out of the room that felt so suffocating at the time.

“15, 16, 17…’’ steps counted, the only room he had yet to count the steps from there to the captains quarters up until now, something he’d started to do to keep his mind from drifting while walking the same halls every single day.

Coming to the captains quarters and testing the communication systems had become a chore at this rate, a repetitive cycle that he’d attempt three times a day, or what he was assumed 3 in a day..it wasn't like he had much of a perception of time there.

Same as always his fingers dance across the buttons until he sees the communications light flicker green, indicating communication was open on his end. He let out a tiresome sigh, an indication that he had already known the outcome of his call attempt, yet he always tried anyway.

“Riot thirteen, this is Yang…can anyone..can anyone hear me?” silence, silence on the other line. Something he had grown used to now but it never got any easier, each time he felt his resolve slipping away. His lips press into a thin line and he releases a jagged breath, fist slamming against the captain's share because he wasn't reckless enough to hit the controls. His vision was starting to blur as he sucked in a breath it felt like his chest was caving in, he tried, tried his best to control the now rapid beating of his heart but it was of no use. He experienced a panic attack, completely falling apart for the first time. Tears stinging his eyes threatening to fall while he completely unraveled on the floor. He tried to choke them back, to force himself to keep strong, because falling apart meant accepting the inevitable, but he couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Fuck.’’ he lets out a blood curdling scream before finally letting himself go, fists repeatedly slamming against the floor while tears seeped into his clothes.

The sun peeked through the clouds casting shadows over your bedroom, shining just below your line of vision. It was enough to wake you from your slumber. Your gaze shifts to the clock at your bedside and you take note of the time, 11:30 am, six hours earlier than the time you’d usually find yourself waking up. You weren’t sure when you’d fallen asleep, but it had been the first time in years you found yourself sleeping soundly and waking up early. Stretching out your arms you do a quick scan of the room, finding the camera set on the opposing side of the bed, his side. Glimpses of last night had started coming back, after making the video you’d cried yourself to sleep, not because you were sad or scared of the outcome but because you were finally accepting it, accepting the idea of not seeing him again. You breathed out, a quick exhalation of all the pent up nerves and anxiousness that had clouded you day after day. It felt grounding, you weren’t fully healed of your wounds, but you’d finally have a place to start.

Throwing the covers off of yourself and kicking your legs to the side of the bed you made the vow to yourself that you wouldn’t allow yourself to be miserable today but you also didn’t plan on forcing anything. You’d start slow, maybe do a little cleaning and reading to ground yourself today, and return back to work tomorrow, after all it had been months since you’d stepped foot into the book store and you were sure everyone missed seeing your face. You spent most of the morning cleaning every room in the house, your bedroom, the guest room, living room, kitchen, but there was still one room left, one room that you hadn’t touched since news hit about Jungwon.

Your eyes dilate as your gaze fixates on the door, a moment of dissociation as your fingers graze the cold doorknob before you twist and push it open. A nervous exhale spills from your lips as you enter the room and a rough chill makes you shiver at how cold it is. It did hurt, being in his room and not seeing him sit behind his desk with his trinkets and sketch books, working on new projects but a slight smile curls onto your lips as every knick knack or old sheet of paper takes you down memory lane. The tenderness in your gaze was so reminiscent and adorning that it was almost profound, you’d come in here to clean but now you found yourself taking in the details of the room remembering every moment the two of you shared. Then your eyes find the shelf behind his desk, littered with all of his achievements but most importantly photos of the two of you.

Your fingers brush against the dusted frames of each of them stopping at a lonely photo that you had almost forgotten about. Jungwon's eleventh birthday, no party, no small gathering or meeting of friends, he had chosen to spend the day with only you and his family– the day he convinced his father to build the dainty little spaceship replica that made Jungwon beam as if it could really take him to the moon. It was painful, knowing that the one thing Jungwon loved so much had taken him away, but you couldn’t resent him for it; you’d always encouraged him to pursue his dreams and reach for the stars no matter where the journey would lead him.

“I won’t give up on you..’’ you whisper softly, as if he were here and you were whispering a loving vow to him. This room and these very achievements were like an awakening for you, no matter how far he’d gone or how long he was away he always returned to you, always came home. You weren’t ready to give up on the idea of him returning no matter how agonizing the wait was, you would wait a lifetime for him to come home. These videos that you were tasked with, these logs of your day would not be a goodbye or a way of distracting you from your thoughts. You would log every important moment of your life for him until he returned home. Setting the photo down you went back to cleaning, even though he wasn’t here you wouldn’t let this room waste away or wither into something less than it was. By the time you had finished the sun had already fallen from the sky and the moon took its place and you sat snuggled up in a lounge chair reading a book to the faint sound of music.

It had been so long since you’d done this, simply sat and relaxed or read to yourself. You hadn’t properly cared for yourself or given yourself time to breathe since all of the events took place but now here you were finally getting some sort of peace. It reminded you of back then, when your passion for reading was at its peak and Jungwon would always come home to find you sitting in this very chair fully enraptured by whatever it was you’d been reading. He would steal the book away and hold it above his head just to rile you up, make you jump from it just as an excuse to wrap his arms around your waist and press his lips on yours all to steal your attention away. With your reading done for the night you peel back the curtains to take a look outside, peering out at the empty backyard and taking in the way the moon casts its reflection into your pool before releasing the curtains into their rightful place. Standing up from the comfort of your lounge chair you go to grab the camera so that you could capture this night in film for him, giving the camera a quick glimpse of the moon before setting it down on the side table.

“I don’t know if you could see it where you are, I never did understand space like you did.’’ a soft laugh spills from your lips as you adjust yourself into the frame."It's been a year but I still find myself talking to the moon like I always did. Talking to you as if you could hear me all the way down here. It’s silly and I never told you about it then but every time you left i’d always be so scared that something would happen so I would ask the moon to bring you home safe to me, like it was a friend– like it was just our little secret.’’

You pause for a moment, adjusting your place in your seat so that you were no longer looking at the camera, only your side profile was visible as you looked up at the sky, eyes taking in every star and dark cloud.”please..please bring him home to me..’’ your words spill out almost inaudible, a near whisper like it was not just a simple ask like a cry for help.

“I hope you’re not too lonely up there. Thankfully Soobin and the others have stopped by now and then to check on me even when I tell them not to. I've felt terrible lately shutting out Heeseung and the others, and everyone from work but it’s been hard. Work just seemed to drag on when I first found out the news and still keeping in touch with your old coworkers just felt cruel to me, like it was just a reminder that they all were still here and you weren't. At first I did envy them. It was hard not to envy them knowing they were all still here and you were” there's a brief inhale between your words, before you correct yourself .”are gone. But I know it's not their fault they couldn’t have known this would happen, I just wish you weren’t up there alone.”

You sigh, looking back to the camera, a brief smile graces your lips. “I want to reach out to them, tell them I'm sorry for shutting them out but I'm scared they’d hate me for placing the blame on them, even if they didn’t know that was the reason I shut them out. I’m scared that they won’t accept me again after so much time has passed. You were always better with people than I was, you made it easier for people to understand me when I myself couldn’t even explain to them my thoughts.” A suppressed chuckle spills from your lips and you smile, he had always been so easygoing.

“Anyways..I should head to bed since it’s getting late. Lately it’s been easier to sleep since the first session. I wasn’t sure if this would really help or bring any clarity but it makes me feel less sad, more hopeful. I hope that you’re sleeping well up there. That your nights aren’t cold or restless and that you aren’t plagued with too many worries like I am down here. You were always the calm and collected one out of the two of us.’’ you let out a lighthearted laugh and bid him goodnight before shutting off the camera and placing it back on the side table. Taking your half empty cup of tea into your hands you glance out the window one last time before pushing yourself up from your seat and going to place it into the sink.

It’d be different if he could leave this place, the sanctuary that was more like a prison or a purgatorial hell. If he would wander the moon or mars, or find mann's planet, somewhere to settle down but he couldn’t he was confined to these walls. The same wall he’d stared at for 374 days twelve hours, ten minutes and fifty two seconds. He sat quietly in his bed, eyes glued to the window, he felt nothing but emptiness looking out at the contrasts of space itself, swirling warm tones against the stark blackness of the abyss. Looking out into something so beautiful once made him happy but it now frightened him, it captured the mystery unknowing, not having a clue of what was to happen next or where he would be going. This was the first time his eyes had ever looked that way, like the light had been drained from them, no life or essence of hope swimming in them like usual– they were completely empty, swirling with doubt and worry. He found himself thinking about you, the way you smiled at him before he left. How he’d hugged you and showered you with kisses not knowing that it would possibly be his last time, that there was a single possibility he would never see you again.

The breakdown of a man, confined to space, consumed by silence and no one was around to witness it, it was like a secret between him the stars and whatever else lingered amongst him. There was no more optimism, no more reassurance or hope, because he was completely alone. He was always the one to reassure everyone, to sever their ties with anxiety or anxiousness but who’d ever done that for him other than you? You who he couldn’t hold, couldn’t touch, couldn’t kiss or comfort right now when you probably needed him most.

He forces himself out of the room, dragging his feet across the floor as he looms down the hall and into the main control room. He hadn’t thought that this was something he’d need to do, because he was expecting to be found but so much time had passed and not a single break in contact.

“I didn’t think there would ever be a point where I needed to use this. I thought that someone would eventually find me, that I could tell you all of this in person, but the more time I spend here the less hopeful I become that I’ll make it home to you and that.’’ he pauses as if the words he was preparing to speak were forbidden from falling for his lips. “It scares me, really scares me thinking that I might leave the world and never get to tell you goodbye. That you could be hurting and worrying about me and never know what happens. I’m scared to lose the thing that means most to me to something else that I've always loved. I’m making this in case I don’t make it. In case the ship is found and i’m not here I need you to know I love you, more than space itself, I’ve loved you from the very moment I laid eyes on you even though I wasn’t old enough to know what love was then I know now and having to make this message is tearing me apart in the worst way. At that moment, I was only seven but it’s anchored into my soul and when I finally married you, I married you with my heart, my soul I gave it all to you and it will forever be yours even after I'm gone. I hope that you can move on eventually, knowing that I loved you to my fullest ability, knowing that you were the first and last to have my heart. I want you to be happy even if I'm not there. Even if..’’ He couldn't bring himself to speak the words, like the mention of his death meant fully accepting it.

“I love you Yang Yn, with every fiber of my being, every dna particle in my body I love you.’’ The final words he’d speak, his words of closure to you before ending the video message and sitting in silence.

Today you woke with a newfound resolve, Soobin and Beomgyu had been more than happy when they checked up on you and found that you were in fact returning to work today. Of course you were met with a string of “take it easy” or “try not push yourself” at which you reassured them you would. When you arrived on sight of the bookstore you thought you’d die with how tight Sunoo and Niki had hugged you, as if you had just come back from the dead. You’d known Sunoo for quite some time, having met him in college he became one of your best friends and he worked at the bookstore for as long as you had owned it. Niki on the other hand you had only met two years ago, a friend of Sunoo’s who would occasionally come in just to bother him which you’d found amusing and adorning. At some point you Jokingly told him “if you’re going to be here every day and not buy anything you may as well work here” well needless to say he took that offer to heart– the next day you came in for your shift to find Sunoo yelling at him for putting all the bookmarks in the wrong place.

“I can’t believe you left me here with him.’’ Sunoo complains, a pout forming on his lips as he finally gives you the space you need to breathe.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad Noo.’’ You respond, stifling a laugh as you place your coffee onto the counter.

“He knocked down an entire shelf of books and we had to close the store down.’’ Sunoo responds, an unamused look on his face in contrast to you who had been trying to hold back a laugh. You look over to Niki who had been standing behind the counter and give him a questioning look.

“Exactly how did you manage that?” You give him an amused smile, at which Sunoo also looks over in his direction.

“I’d also like to know because I still have yet to hear the reason.” He adds, resting his head on his palms as the two of you looked at him expectantly.

“I thought there was a mouse okay? I thought I saw something scurry across the floor and I did not want that shit anywhere near me.’’

Neither You nor Sunoo could hold in your laughter upon finding out the reason Niki managed to knock down an entire shelf worth of books. You had to admit you did truly miss moments like this, the smallest moments of happiness that made life so worth living.

“So are you back for good?’’ Sunoo asks, wiping the tears from his eyes from his previous fit of laughter.

“I can’t say for sure, but I’m going to take this day by day. I need to get back to my usual self and work is part of that. I worked hard to get this place and I can’t just keep leaving all the work up to you and Niki.’’ You respond, gathering all of the piled up book logs that had just been sitting behind the counter waiting to be taken care of.

“Well I'm proud of you. It’s good to see you trying, good to see you’re doing somewhat better.’’ He smiles and gives you a reassuring hug before going to restock some shelves. The day went by in the blink of an eye, it didn’t drag on unlike many of your days where you just sat at home and did nothing. Your shifts continued that way, until eventually the end of the week had come before you even realized it, which meant it was finally time for your second session. You’d come to realize that even if saying how you feel was something hard for you to do, she was actually helping you.

“First, i’m happy that you decided to come back, sometimes all we need is someone to talk to and we may not always want to put all of our baggage onto our friends, Second I want to ask how are we feeling today?’’ she asks as she sets the tray down on the table, pouring you each a half cup of tea and sliding one over to you which you happily took. As she was the first time she was patient and attentive, she waited for you to speak and catch her up on everything that may have happened within that week of your absence.

“Well I went back to work.’’ You could see her eyebrows raise in contentedness and the slight smile on her lips as she drank from her mug.

“It felt nice to be back, I wasn’t worrying too much or overthinking I just felt happy I felt like me again. Thankfully Sunoo and Niki have made things easier coming back and they took good care of the place while I was away, it made me happier knowing i could rely on them.’’ she nods as you go on, practically beaming with every sentence. The quite opposite of how you’d been the first time she met with you.

“And your video logs, how are they coming along?’’ she asks, finally changing the subject to the task which she’d assigned you with the week prior.

“At first I was skeptical, I didn’t think something so simple would help me. Honestly I'm still hurting and trying to move on..but making those logs makes me feel like I'm still talking to him. It reminds me of all the times he’d go up there and have Heeseung or Jay or any of his coworkers relay messages to me. I realize that I’ve been so sad because I was starting to lose hope. I don’t know when he’ll see any of them or if he’ll ever see them but I choose to be hopeful that one day he will come home to me. The logs give me hope that he’s going to come back and see them.” she simply nods as she listens along, a smile on her lips. Of course you’d still be hurt and mourning his absence but you now had something to help you cope with that. You now have something to get you through your days.

“Well you’ve already done the first two steps and that’s accepting the situation and finding a way to live while still mourning. Now I want to tackle your isolation, in your forms another big thing that seems to be hard for you right now is contacting his coworkers? Now are these just coworkers or are they close friends of yours? What’s the relationship between all of you?” You stiffen at the mention of Heeseung and the others, surely you didn’t think all of your problems would be solved with just one little chat.

“They’re friends of his, more close to Jungwon than they ever were to me but they’ve always treated me like a sister, like I was more than just ‘Jungwons wife’.” she nods in understanding, encouraging you to go on.

“And where are they now, are you still in contact?’’

“No, not anymore. They used to for the first couple of months but I wouldn’t answer I couldn’t bring myself to.” you admit, your gaze refusing to meet hers as you spoke. You were overcome with guilt and didn’t want her to see you differently.

“Because you blamed them?’’ her words were like a punch to the gut, you did– you did blame them. And for the past three months you had been sitting with your guilt on top of all of the other things you were feeling.

“I envied them, because they were still here and Jungwon wasn’t. Because they all just let him go alone. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any of them because I kept making them the reason he wasn’t here. I made them the ones who were at fault when they couldn’t have known something like this would happen. So I started to shut them out, and eventually they stopped calling and I never picked up the phone to call either.” you nervously fidget with your hands, suddenly feeling smaller under her gaze. You were expecting her to call you out or tell you that you were wrong for shutting them out, but she didn’t.

“Denial and misplaced sadness. There's no reason for it other than when we’re hurt we need someone else you blame when we can’t blame ourselves. You were hurting and you had nowhere to place all of those feelings. It’s not ideal and we always feel guilty when it happens but it’s normal human behavior.”

“I want to reach out to them, I do but I don't know where to start. I just feel so guilty shutting them out when I know they care and they are just worried.” You sigh, suddenly feeling the guilt all over again.

“For your next task, I want you to call them. Doesn’t have to be tonight or even tomorrow, as long as it's before our next session. I want you to contact them, whether it's to apologize, tell them you’re okay, see how they’re doing, that's up to you, but You should reach out to them.”

“And what if..what if they don’t want to talk to me?”

“If they truly are like family and see you as a sister then they’ll listen. No matter how much time has passed, I'm sure they’ll just be happy to hear from you.”

Jungwon was woken up to the sound of beeping in the captain's quarters. At first he’d thought he dreamt it, that he’d been there so long his mind was now playing tricks on him and he was experiencing full on psychosis. But even as his eyes fluttered open the sound had yet to go away. He shot out of his bed with the fuel of five rockets and sped down the empty corridor, nearly falling face first as he slid into the captain's quarters. The entire time Jungwon had been confined to that space this had never happened, and he wasn’t sure how long the alert had been going off or if too much time had passed but one thing was certain, someone had intercepted his message, they were trying to contact him.

Two days, two days had passed since your last therapy session and you’d been dreading this moment. You thought about how this conversation would go a thousand times. Imagined Heeseung yelling, screaming, possibly never wanting to talk to you again after you’d ignored them for so long, but Alicia was right, they deserved to know you were okay, deserved an explanation for you having ice them out. You sat in your room staring at the contact on your phone for over twenty minutes trying to encourage yourself to call, and ease the nerves that were swimming in the pits of your stomach.

“Just one call yn, one call is all it takes.’’ you reassure yourself before finally hitting the call button and raising the phone to your ear. Four times it rang, then five, and you sat nervously shaking as you waited for the other line to fall silent. Seven times it rang, and right when you were losing hope there's a crisp click as the other line is answered. You held your breath, heart thumping against your chest as you heard his familiar voice on the other side of the line.

“Yn…yn are you there?’’

“I-i’m here Hee.’’

“Oh my god, fuck it’s been a year since everyone has heard from you. We tried to call and text for months but never got an answer. How are you? Did something happen? You’re calling so suddenly?’’ he spitfires on the other line, and for some reason your nerves had begun to melt away. There were so many things you had to tell him but hearing his voice and knowing that no matter how much time had passed he still cared, it made your heart swell.

“Actually that’s what I was calling about, there are some things that I have to say, I know that so much time has passed..but Can we meet? All of us, You, Me, Sunghoon, Jay and Jake?’’ you held your breath as you anticipated his response, it wasn’t until you heard a quick “yes, yes of course.’’ that you fully released it.

“Where should we meet? I’ll call them all and tell them. They’ll be happy to hear from you.’’

“Moonstruck cafe? At around 3ish?’’ you respond, finally being able to feel some sort of relief now that the hardest part is over.

“We’ll be there.’’ and with that final confirmation that you would finally be seeing them all after a year, you both bid your goodbyes before hanging up the phone. You immediately fall back onto the bed listening to the hum of the air conditioner as your eyes trace the corners and creases of your ceiling. Your hand rested on your stomach and you counted the times your chest rose and fell with every waking second. Your eyes shift over to the clock at your bedside, two hours until you had to meet with them all, two hours until you had to confess to them that you had blamed all of them who were probably also hurting in the absence of their best friend.

You sat nervously fidgeting with your hands, your tea that was once piping hot now ran completely cold. You were too nervous to eat let alone pick up a drink and you were starting to wonder why you’d gotten in the first place with such knowledge. The ding to the entrance made your head immediately turn to the door and you stiffen in your seat as you see them all trail in. Jay, Sunghoon, Jake then Heeseung. The moment their eyes fell upon you a smile met each of their faces, Jake was the first to run to you and envelope you in the strongest hug, so tight he’d nearly blocked your airways. They each trailed behind you pulling you into their arms to give you the long overdue hugs that they’d waited so long to give you.

“Where have you been all this time.’’ Jake starts, you were sure he was ready to bombard you with all the questions in the world but Jay was quick to put a stop to it.

“Will you let her speak before you ask a million and one questions.’’ he reprimands, sliding into the booth across from you.

“It’s okay Jay, I know all of you probably have a lot of questions and i’m going to answer them but first there's something that I have to say.’’ You had their full attention, all eyes were practically glued to you and it made it hard to speak, but you had no choice.

“I want to say that…that I'm sorry to all of you. When I first found out what happened I was broken and hurt and I didn’t know what to do. I just needed to be alone. I know that you all care for me and you may have been worried but then I was just so hurt and confused on how to pick myself up from this that I started to blame all of you that he wasn’t here. I made it all of your faults when it was never because of you, neither of you could have predicted this would happen and knowing how stubborn Jungwon was if you’d offered to go with him he would have kept reassuring you that he was good on his own. I know it’s terrible, to put the blame on all of you and shut you out for an entire year but.’’ you suck in a breath, trying to prevent the tears that were so close to falling, from spilling out your eyes. “I just found someone to blame because I was hurt and I was lost and I'm so sorry. I’m sorry for shutting you all out and acting the way that I did. I don’t know if you can forgive me but I really do feel terrible. You all mean so much to Jungwon, to me and I ignored that because I was in a dark place.’’

There was a silence lingering, as if they all were mapping out the right words to say, but to you the silence was painful. Silence gave you too much time to overthink. Silence was a very manipulative thing, it could force the mind to draft ideas and conclusions that can entrap one to the confines of their mind. You always hated it for that very reason because it gave you too much time to be in your head, too lost in the forests of your mind that more often felt more like a jungle with the emotions it carried. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at them, just sat nervously fidgeting with your fingers under the table, unable to physically relax until you felt someone's hand rest on yours and Jay finally broke the silence.

“We understand.’’ Finally the weight on your shoulders had been lifted enough for you to hold their gazes. Each of them nodding in agreement voicing their acceptance of your apology.

“We aren’t hurt because we understand. The one thing that hurts is not knowing you were okay, having you shut us out is far worse. It’s a normal human function to grives and not know where to place those emotions so we don’t hold that against you but I wish you’d just come to us. Even in that moment if you needed to yell, if you needed somewhere to place the hurt maybe then it would have hurt our feelings but we would have been there. You shouldn’t have had to feel all of that alone.’’ Your eyes searched his own for any ounce of spite or hurt in his gaze but there was none. Jay’s words were completely genuine, meant to be comforting rather than make you feel worse than you had.

‘We always told you that you have been like a sister to us. Ever since we met you and Jungwon it was like this light had been brought into our lives. You both have this infectious energy and optimism that can light up a room at the darkest times. What kind of men would we be if we let you go through that alone, if we blamed you for grieving when we were also feeling the same things. Blaming the organization for sending him off, blaming everyone for a fault that was no ones, because space is unpredictable.’’ Jake chimes in, all of them finally seeming to voice their feelings for the first time in what was possibly months. It was like they’d waited for this moment, like they were waiting to get to you so that you could all grieve and feel. So that all of you could heal together and take it day by day knowing you wouldn’t be alone.

“Sunghoon went as far as ruining the office when he found out they planned on stopping the search after two months. He blamed everyone, even those that weren’t involved in the launch.” Jake admits, forcing your gaze to drift ti Sunghoon who had sat there silently for the time being. He had been the closest to Jungwon, the two of them having gone through the stem program together and being reunited when Jungwon had been accepted into NASA. You felt guilt twinge at the pit of your stomach because for the first time you were fully realizing that you didn’t just isolate yourself, you left them in their time of need. There was hesitance in Sunghoons demeanor as he seemed to be rooting out all the things he should and shouldn’t say to you.

“When I found out, I wanted to destroy everything. I was angry. Angry that they would send him up there alone, that they would stop the search only after two months of trying and just give up on contact. I needed somewhere to place all of it and I took it out on everyone no matter how deep their involvement was, I didn't care. I just needed someone to blame because it felt like I was losing my brother and there was nothing I could do.’’ Sunghoon was someone that you’d known to rarely lose his temper, he’d always been the one to calm the others down when Jungwon wasn’t around but to hear that he had been so hysterical, so out of it made your heart swell with despair.

“All of us have had a hard time grieving it, there are many moments that we aren't proud of.’’ Heeseung adds, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze, in that moment you weren't sure it was more so for his convenience or yours, but it didn’t matter. “I stayed up countless nights, skipped meals, stared at the wall for hours on end just blaming myself, wondering what I could have done to prevent it. Thinking about how things would have gone if i’d gone with him. Then he wouldn’t be alone out there. Or at least I'd know if he was alive; Safe. Time and time again these guys have had to pull me out of a dark place because I was convinced that I was part of the reason he wouldn’t be coming back. I needed there to be a reason when in reality it’s just life. Life can snatch the happiness from right beneath your feet at any moment and leave you blaming everyone. Yourself, your friends, The world. All because we need there to be a reason bad things happen in our life. If there's a reason it makes it easier to grieve and accept. We’ve all been there yn.’’

“So we can’t sit here and blame you for finding ways to grieve when we’ve all been hurting.’’ Jay's words hit you like a truck and you were too late in realizing the tears that had started to fall down your face. They were really your family, and all this time you’d abandoned your family who was also in pain, to grieve alone.

“I’m sorry, for not realizing that all of you were also in pain and that you needed me. That we needed each other.’’ Heeseung shakes his head as he wipes the tears from your face. “You came to us when you were ready, it may have taken a long time but you’re here with us now and that’s all we care about.”

“So stop with the tears, you’re getting them all in your tea.’’ Jake says teasingly, trying his best to now lighten the mood which thankfully works because it has you laughing through the tears.

“And now that we have you back you can’t go ghost on us again.’’ Jay says, sliding a napkin over to your side of the table so you could clean your face properly.

“As a matter of fact Heeseung has something to tell you.” Jake spills, eying heeseung with a cheeky smile on his face. Lifting your head from Heeseungs shoulder where it previously lay, you look up at him.

“What is it?’’

“Well i’m having an engagement party this upcoming saturday.’’ Heeseung spills, and the moment the words fall from his lips you find yourself beaming. You’d always known Heeseung to be a flirt out of the four of them, he often showed up to you and Jungwons house parties with a new fling every month, so to hear that he had finally found someone to settle down with had you over the moon.

“Oh my god Heeseung!? That’s amazing! What’s she like? What do you like about her? Does she want kids?”

“You can ask her all the questions you want this saturday because you’re coming and you can invite Soobin and the others as well.’’ He gave you no time to refuse his invite, not that you would have refused it anyways.

The rest of your evening you sat there beaming and gushing over every detail he’d given you about their relationship. How they met, where they met, when and where he proposed and how he did it. The only thing you’d wish had been different about the evening was your desire to have Jungwon sat there at your side with you. You found yourself feeling so giddy when you returned home that night, it felt like things were slowly falling into place and even if you didn’t know what the future held you knew that there had to be a light at the end of your tunnel.

You had done everything you needed for the night, showered, facial care, washed your hair for the night and then slipped into your pajamas. But before the night was over, before you slipped into the coziness and warmth of your bed there was something you needed to do to finish off your night. As always you found yourself sitting in the lounge chair near the backyard window, warm cup of tea in hand and the camera set up on the coffee table with the brand new tripod you’d gotten when you decided this was something you’d take seriously.

“I believe this is log number five now, It hasn’t been that long since i’ve started these.” you smile, your gaze lingering to the view beyond the curtains as you momentarily gather your thoughts. “I still miss you, of course I miss you but I'm doing better today, a lot happier than I was before. The guys miss you too you know…I saw them for the first time in a year today and I was so nervous but it was like no time had been missed between us all.” a lighthearted laugh spills past your lips recalling the events at the cafe earlier that day.

“You’re not going to believe it but Heesungs is getting married in two months. His engagement party is in four days and I wish you were here to go with me, but I guess Soobin isn’t such a bad date. It’s still hard, learning to go about my day without you or do things I'd normally do with you alone but I'm learning and I think I've been doing pretty well lately. Alicia has helped a lot with that even though we haven't had many sessions. I think she works with me and guides me in a healthy way that makes me feel open to being vulnerable with her. I think with her, and the guys….with soobin and the others too i'll be okay. So don’t worry about me up there my love just get home to me safe La lune te ramènera chez moi en toute sécurité (the moon will bring you home to me safely). Goodnight my love.’’ You place a kiss on your palm and cover the camera before ending your log there and heading to bed for the night. If only you knew the lengths that he’d been going through to make it home to you.

Jungwons hands were trembling with the press of every button, he hadn’t slept a wink ever since he’d woken up to find that his message was intercepted. This meant that somewhere in the area a satellite was nearby and if he could get close enough then he could make contact. He’d brought himself to the brink of chronic insomnia, forcing him to stay up for that one opening, that one moment that would provide him relief. But just then, right when he was slipping away, right when he was failing to keep his eyes open. “Yang this is riot thirteen, come in Yang.”

Jungwons eyes had never opened so fast, he sprung from his chair like a jack in a box after you’d winded its crank no less than a few times. He was feeling so many things at once, relief, fatigue, dread, anxiety it was like every emotion the human body could possibly feel had been pooling into him all at once. “Riot thirteen this is Jungwon, holy shit. Come in.’’

“Holy shit it really is him.’’ You could hear on the other line, Heeseung, the man whose voice he hadn’t heard in so long it almost felt like a dream. “Holy shit, it’s him.’’

There was slight commotion in the background of the comms sector, From the moment Jungwons first message had been intercepted there was an intense hope lingering in the sector. Hope that the message wasn't just an interception of something Jungwon had decided to make long ago when he was freshly sent off. Jungwon felt so much relief swell in his chest, he couldn’t stop the flow of tears that eventually came rolling down his face.

“Heeseung?’’

“Holy shit, we’re gonna bring you home. We’re gonna bring you home.’’ Heeseung was hysterical, he couldn't bring himself to form any other words other than those. It was like gravity itself had come crashing down and he felt all the pressure and tension in his chest. On the other line Jungwon was silent, a silent string of cries and sharp breaths as he just sat there, the weight of fatigue setting in. It was like he was experiencing psychosis,he had been up there so long that he couldn’t fathom this moment being real but it was, they were going to bring him home to you.

“Heeseung don’t…don’t tell her I'm coming home. I want to be there. If we give her hope and I don’t make it then.’’

“You’re going to make it. She’s waiting for you. We’ve all been waiting for you.” heeseung snaps on the other line, they'd waited all that time for a breakthrough and he was going to make sure Jungwon made it home even if it meant doing the resume mission himself.

“Soobin hurry the hell up, how is it that I have a face full of makeup and it’s taking you longer than me to get ready.’’ you rush him, eyeing the clock as you and the others all waited for Soobin to come out of the bathroom.

“I told you he takes longer than me.’’ Yeonjun murmurs over to Taehyun who you were sure weren’t even listening to begin with.

“You can’t rush perfection Bella.’’ finally he images from your bathroom and by the looks of it nothing changed other than his outfit and hair.

“It took you an hour and a half to put on a fucking shirt and pants?’’ Beomgyu questions, making Huening Kai snort from his spot in the corner.

“It only took less than five minutes to get dressed the hour and a half was all hair.’’

“You know what talk about it in the car or we’re going to be late let’s go.’’ you rush them all up out of their spots and out the door not wanting to waste any further time bickering over Soobins ability to be a total diva. Between Beomgyus endless yelling, Taehyun and Yeonjuns bickering and soobin practically talking your ear off the ride had been a complete chaotic mess. You were more than happy the moment you arrived at Heeseungs place and were finally able to step out of the car, you practically ran away from the five of them. The moment Jay opens the door and sees you standing there with that already tired expression on your face he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Nothing’s even started yet and you already look like you’re ready to lay for a nap.’’ he laughs before stepping aside and letting you all in.

“You can blame the four of them, Kai was the only bearable one throughout the entire ride and that’s just because he sat quietly looking out the window the entire time.”

“Well excuse me for trying to keep you entertained in the front seat.’’ soobin mumbles, scrunching up his face at you.

“So sorry binnie, I appreciate you sooo much.’’ You respond, a fake pout on your lips as you pull him in for a side hug.

“The others are out back right now, Heeseung had to step out for something but he’ll be back soon then we can all eat.’’ Jay explains, giving all of you the quick rundown of things.

‘Finally you’re here do you know how long we’ve been waiting. I was starting to think you were gonna disappear again.” an already half-drunk Jake appears with the company of Sunghoon.

“Nope, i’m not going anywhere, not this time. Soobin wouldn’t let that happen anyways.’’ you smile while giving soobin a friendly punch on the arm.

“I wouldn’t we just started getting you back.’’ he gives your shoulders a loving shake.

It felt nice to be with all of them and finally feel like you were free from your worries and thoughts. It had been so long since you’d smiled and laughed like the way you were with all of them. The energy had been so infectious and wired with a spark that you hadn’t felt since before Jungwon had gone, but then something shifted. Not so much in a bad way but you could tell there was a shift in energy the moment you heard the front door swing open behind you. All eyes were now focused on whatever, or whoever had just come into the door, big smiles on each of their faces. Your eyebrows crease in confusion as you move to turn around, the smile falling from your lips and air knocked out of your lungs the moment you turn to see him standing there.

It was like the world slowed around you and everyone else had dissolved into matter, lost in thin air. You had tunnel vision, he was the only thing you could see. If you hadn’t still been standing there breathing you would have thought your heart stopped the moment his eyes locked on yours but it was still beating. Your heart, His heart both beating in proximity, finding the sync they once lost before he had gone away. It felt so surreal running into his arms having his arms wrap around you, having him hold you so tight as if you would slip away at any moment. Hot tears seeping into his shirt, whispered ‘i love yous’ and ‘i missed you so much —It was like the two of you were in your own world, own universe even.

For Jungwon this felt like some sort of warped reality to finally be here with you. Fingers tangled in your hair as he held you close to him and took in the warmth of your body. He had missed you more than anything, your laugh, your smile, the smell of your perfume had gone lost to his memory with how long he’d been away.

“Let’s leave them alone.’’ Heeseung suggests, his words going deaf to your ears as your sole focus was now the man in front of you. Your husband, the one you’d wait lifetimes for.

“Is this real?’’ you manage to croak out.

“It’s real,baby I'm here. I'm home. I came back to you.’’ he responds, showering you with kisses not leaving one inch of your face untouched by his lips. It felt like centuries since you had tasted his lips, since his lips danced against your own like the perfect sculpture molded to perfection all for yours.

“When, how..?’’ so many questions you wanted to ask him but you didn’t know where to start.

“I’ll tell you all of it, everything you want to know when it’s just the two of us but now just let me be with you.’’ he pleads, leaving soft kisses on your hands, neck, face, lips. His lips danced so gracefully against your skin that it made your heart beat like a melodic song. You never left his side that entire night and he never left yours, it was like you’d been glued to one another the entire night. Like if either of you let go one of you was bound to slip away. Everyone had been happy to see him back, happy to know that he was now home safe and in your arms but no one was happier than you.

When you finally returned home the two of you clung to one another like koalas, like there was a magnetic force pulling and tugging at each of you forcing you to remain within close proximity. You both sat lying in bed, your eyes scanning his face, every outline or detail that you’d almost forgotten. The details that a photograph alone couldn’t do justice. His hands lovingly drew circles on your waist while you sat fingers lovingly twirling in his hair, or tracing over his cheekbones.

“I missed you. So much more than words can describe.’’ He finally breaks the comfort of silence, pulling you close to his chest. Close enough to hear his heart thump against it.

“I worried about you every day, if you were okay. About you being alone up there. Jungwon I prayed every day that you would come home to me safe and sound. I never lost hope that you were still up there somewhere.’’ he pressed a loving kiss to your forehead, thumbs drawing gentle circles on your hips.

“It did get hard. I was starting to lose hope that I would ever see you. I didn’t think I’d ever get home back to you. I broke. But when the message I made for you was intercepted I stayed up for what felt like two days waiting for a sign or signal. Anything to get me back to you or at least let you know I was okay.’’

“A message for me?’’

“A video, If I wasn’t going to come back I wanted you to know that it was okay if you moved on and found someone else to love. I wanted you to be happy even if that wasn’t me. I would have been happy knowing that I died loving you, that my first and last love was you. The girl I knew i would love for the rest of my life since I was only six years old.’’ Again the tears had started, so many emotions swarming you amidst the happiness and comfort you felt just being in his arms again.

“I made messages for you too.’’ pushing yourself up from his chest you turn to grab your camera from the nearby nightstand. “Soobin, well Soobin convinced me to see someone, a therapist and she suggested that I make these logs for you about my day…at first I thought it was dumb but..then they became my only relief.’’ you hand the camera over to him and disappear down the hallway to get your laptop from his office. This was the first time you would be watching those videos and looking back on everything you said to him. While you couldn’t bring yourself to watch or listen to yourself talk he gave every video his full attention.

As much as the videos made him smile there were also logs that left his heart swollen in his chest, how restless you looked in the first one. How he could practically feel your pain through the lenses, it hurt him to see and know that you were hurting no matter how strong or hopeful you tried to be.

“You are so strong. Even if you think you need me to rely on you, I think it’s the other way around. You’ve always been my rock, the thing that keeps me calm and not having you up there with me. Being alone and away from you for so long made me realize that you keep me sane and grounded. These Logs, these videos are evidence that even without me you can be okay, you're the calm before and after the storm. Not just for me but for the guys, for soobin and the others or even your employees at work. You make things better. You make it easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.’’

“Jungwon.’’ your eyes were swimming with tears, ripples of clearwater that felt like the impact of the ocean crashing against the shoreline.

“I missed you more than words can ever describe. I never thought i’d have to choose between two things that I love until the moment everything was ripped away from me.’’

“Wait Jungwon what do you mean choose?’’

“If I have to choose between you and space I want to choose you every time. If there's a possibility that you could lose me to my career then maybe it’s time I let it go.’’ your heart sank in your chest, you never thought those words would leave his mouth. As scary as it was to think you could lose him because of the career he pursued you couldn’t let him give up on the one thing he dreamt to be since he was four.

“Jungwon.’’ taking the laptop and moving it aside you take the place in his lap, holding his face in your hands, “you cannot let the fear of something like this happening rip you away from what you love. I’ve watched you build spaceships in the yard with your father. You stayed up endless nights working your ass off and studying to get where you are now. you put so much work in and this is just a minor setback. You’ve always said to yourself that space is unpredictable and you never know what can happen or what you’ll find. You said those words. It scares me to think that something like this could happen but i will not let you give up on something you worked so hard for.’’ His gaze weighed a thousand tons, he always looked at you as if you were the stars. As if you found ways to light up his dark path when things looked bad.

“You cannot give up Jungwon, I missed you so much. The wait was so agonizing but you’re here now. You’re here with me.’’ Your words were so comforting at that moment. Stepping out of that ship for the first time and touching ground again after so many years had him so sure of his decision. But having you here, sitting in his lap encouraging him to not give up was making him waver. The two of you had been through a hell of your own in just that year alone but you weren’t letting that get in the way of things. You had always been that way, always been the one to support and encourage him to keep putting his best foot forward when things were getting tough. You really were like the stars to him, the stars that guided him home, back to security anytime he found himself drifting aimlessly.

2 years later

“Yang Jungwon i swear if you’re late for this wedding, i’m going to come down to that space center and kick your ass.’’You yell at him through the phone as you sat combing out your daughter's hair.

“Touching down now my love.’’ He responds on the other line and you could hear the smile in his town which only makes you roll your eyes.

“Daddy, are you finally coming home? Will you tell me about your trip?’’ your daughter beams, making him chuckle on the other line. He had been gone on a week long trip and in that timespan she had not stopped asking questions about him. Needless to say you weren’t the only one proud of Jungwon, hell if your daughter could tell everyone in the world that her father was an astronaut she would.

“I’ll tell you all about it after the wedding catbug.’’ he responds, making you smile at their little interaction. ‘Catbug’ the nickname Jungwon had given her because it was all she would watch, she’d watched so often that she nearly knew every line which absolutely amazed you because she was only two.

“I love you both, I’ll see you at the wedding.’’ you respond with a hum, hearing him cough on the other line as he waits for you both to say it back.

“We love you too, please get there safely.’’ you finally respond, making him smile as you both finally hang up the phone.

“Alright bug all done.’’ you lift her up into your arms as you finally finish her hair, showering her with loving kisses that always seemed to fill your halls with her laughter. “Let’s get going, your uncles are probably all waiting to see you.’’

The ride to the wedding venue was full of consistent chatter from her, mostly random things, her quoting catbug or randomly mentioning the things she would catch glimpses of outside your window. You loved how energetic she was, she was just like this beacon of light. Your own bundle of joy that took no less than 24 hours of crying and pushing and squeezing Jungwons hands to bring into the world. You’d never forget when you held her for the first time and it was like your life had shifted for the better seeing that sparkle in her eyes that reminded you so much of Jungwons.

When you arrived at the venue you were surprised to see that Jungwon had beaten you there and by the looks of the smile on his face you were starting to conclude that he had already been here the entire time.

“Daddy!’’ your daughter had barely given you any time to put her down before she was already trying to escape your hold and run over to him. He gladly lifts her into his arms and kisses all over her face leaving you standing there with your arms crossed over your chest.

“Now i know why it was so noisy in the background of our call, when did you touchdown?’’

“An hour ago.’’ He responds with a cheeky smile making you shake your head as you glide on over to him. “Both my girls look beautiful.’’

“Mm you look handsome for someone that had to do all of this on a spacecraft.’’ You respond teasingly, stepping to his side and placing a kiss on his lips before wiping off your lip gloss from them.

“Are you saying I usually dress bad on the ship?’’

“Well blue isn’t exactly your color.’’ you respond playfully.

“Do they have purple astronaut clothes, I want mine to be purple.’’ your daughter questions, making him chuckle.

“You can wear whatever color you want catbug.’’ he responds, giving her a light tickle before putting her down.

“Let’s go and find your uncle soobin bug, you can sit with him while me and your daddy walk the aisle.’’ her hands lock with both of yours as she happily kicks her feet up off the ground at the mention of her uncle (her favorite uncle because he bribed her with sweets).

Once she was in a secure place with Soobin the two of you wandered off to join the other bridesmaids and groomsmen for the wedding march. The moment took you back to the night of you and Jungwons wedding and how surreal the moment had been, you wouldn't believe how much time had passed since then. Years seemed to go by in the blink of an eye when it was the two of you together. From childhood to adulthood the two of you had spent every waking moment together. You both grew up together, learned to love and tend to each other in ways only the two of you had known how. As you stood, arms linked with his, prepared to march down the aisle again for one of your closest friends' wedding, you couldn’t help but hope that your daughter would find a love like this. A love so strong that it hurts to be apart, because being apart meant your hearts no longer synced. The space between heartbeats that had always beat together was a painful kind of love, but it was also a beautiful thing.

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wonmuse

Finally reading my own works after years of avoiding it 😬

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