Spilled Ink

I write and feelings hit me like a bricks Personal: flylikepaper23

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

I’m Not Doing Well

Maybe I should keep this to myself

I’m not feeling so well

But I don’t want any help

I turn to the pills on the shelf

They say these may make you drowsy

These may make you dizzy

Don’t take with alcohol

Unless you tryna to get tipsy

Make sure your stomachs not empty

And if you get any of these feelings

Don’t drive your car

Or operate machinery

I was seventeen

Taking 6 pills a day

Scratch that I was 4

When I took em in the first place

My parents took me the doctor

They said please fix her

But there was no bandaid

To patch over  all my issues

I never once use that box of tissues

In the shrinks office

I keep my insides pretty igloo

And when I was old enough

I chose to discontinue

When I was sixteen

They locked me up

I brought a knife to school

And i made few cuts

Across my throat

After a break up

That poor girl

My poor parents

The school claimed ignorance

Nowadays id be called a terrorist

I was a severed kid

I was embarrassed

They started spreading rumors

Saying I was so careless

Selfish, slutty and oh yeah

My hairs shit

When I got out at seventeen

They all shunned me

I got better friends

But I was still a junkie

I went away to college

Really I was running

But I fucked up again

And it got pretty ugly

And once again I was

On the outside looking in

At all my ex best friends

I've mostly stabled out

But I guess that depends

I’m a paranoid schizophrenic

The meds help me blend

But it doesn’t take much

To make me start to spin

I miss a dose

I throw them up

I think too much

Wind myself back up

I’m living in a world where

I was told I did it for attention

My moms partner left her

Cuz I got locked up at Christmas

I’m living in a world

Where I was never taught about addiction

And the funny things that can happen

When you’ve got other diseases mixed in

Now I do the best I can

A lot of the time I keep it it myself

I grew up on my own and I did this with no help

When I’m at a loss of words

Poetry’s how I tell

I’m not doing well

I’m not doing well

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

RUSSINIAN

I.

Resist the urge to vomit

Or bloody your skin

Or starve for perfection

Love what’s within

Straighten your back

Stand tall and proud

Pick yourself back up

You’re a fighter now

II.

I know you’re suffering

That’s the way of our people

Tell it in song

Or paint your skin with a needle

Sometimes words won’t come

And that’s okay

Pick up your smoke and your spirit

That’s the gypsy way

III.

They can lock your body away

But not your mind

Remind yourself to laugh

It passes the time

Intimacy and love

Can be a lot to handle

Take to them cautiously

Like the knife on the mantle

IV.

Your skin is tan

Your hair is dark

Your soul is old

And so is your heart

Your heart beats for family

It beats for me

You will grow and blossom

On our family tree

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

RADICAL

Opposites attract

That’s a fact

But birds of a feather

Are more likely to stay together

So I tell myself I’m looking for me in you

But really I’m looking for something better

Something intact

Something to weather

And that you won’t take back

No matter the stressor 

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

Inspired by my friend Taylor I wrote a poem about every month in 2018.

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

STREET LEGAL

I read street comics on the brick wall

I think our next Stan Lee can’t afford a scanner

But he’s got paint

I listen to deep poetry from a girl on the track

She doesn’t have time for open mics

But she’s got pain

Kingpin’s are like CEOS except maybe smarter

If we’re being honest they’re both criminals

But that’s game

The kids at public school go on to get advanced degrees

Could have been the future but work for minimum wage

Plus some change

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

GLAMOURIZATION

I dream of black holes and planets

Fantasy maps I draw and plan it

If I lose myself in it I’m not so damaged

If I stay up all night writing it’s not so manic

I told my doctor I won’t take Xanax

So she said I’ll carry anxiety like an annex

Damn that’s romantic

I’ll turn it into a poem if I panic

I study the ceiling all night like I’m trying to cram it

The vent where if I had money I’d jam it

They said turn the negatives into positives well dammit

Does that mean suicide is canon?

Tumblr kids draw pictures of it and glam it

Semicolon movement to show none of us can stand it

Pro anorexia websites are disbanded

But thinspos on every channel if we’re being candid

The industry puts out perfection because we demand it

I think of these women we’ve shaped and we’ve sanded

Plastic surgeons must make out like bandits

I was high on the self hatred but I think I’ve landed

I’ve still got problems but I think I’ll manage

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

REACH OUT AND GRAB IT

They say I’m supposed to be an example

After all look at the degrees on my mantle

Right next to the aromatherapy candle

Still occasionally hold my knife’s red handle

They say Jesus wore dusty sandals

And I’m sure he’d wash my feet even if I trample

So I forgive like I’m giving out free samples

So I forgive like I’m filling up a landfill

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

MY SERMON

I remember when I was on lock down

Wish I could say I didn’t give it a thought now

All the memories jumbled like a lost found

All forgotten kids like a dog pound

They caught my lust on a nikon

Boys and girls holding me like pythons

Everyone mad I turned the dyke on

But I guess I should let bygones be bygones

I wish you could see where I’m coming from

I spent most of my life running dumb

Put my hand out bumming fun

High as fuck under the numbing sun

The truth is we’re cut from a different cloth

I had a punching dad and a distant mom

I guess you can blame it on the system’s flaws

But at the end of the day I miss them all

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

POPPIN

I send my words out

Pump action

Burnin rubber

No one’s go better traction

I do it for real

You do it closed caption

Put out a sex tape

Just to get a reaction

Yeah I got a crew

You could call us a faction

We get shit done

We make shit happen

Maybe you slang

Maybe you trappin

But we get in places

You can’t even imagine

Demons on my back

Startin to feel like dragons

Your chick said she needs more

Yeah girl drag him

I stand tall

And I ball.  Madden

Take the hits and still

The shit. No paddin

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

I PULL

Hate on me

Get your claws out

And grate on me

Convict music

Akon me

Grind on the pole

Plenty of cake on me

I’m pretty used to

People getting fake on me

They don’t say it to my face

Cuz no one can take on me

100 miles per hour

She cut the breaks on me

Coulda left but found her

Skeleton in the lake on me

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

PACKIN BOWLS

I was geeked up

On amphetamines

Staying up all

Night to deep clean

Never saw myself

Turn into a fiend

When I was up

I knew what life means

When I was down

I usually had the help of lean

I said I’d never sell out but

C.R.E.A.M.

I huffed til my voice

Was high like Dream

I was drinking liquor

At thirteen

At eighteen I had

The DTs

I remember when everybody

Was bout them triple Cs

I raided medicine cabinets

It was a breeze

The cops came knockin

And they told me to freeze

I told them they were pigs

Cuz I thought I was a G

But I lost all my friends

I gained court fees

Had a girl for a minute

But she didn’t care about me

We were in the life

She just wanted to sell keys

They ask me if I miss it

Damn homie please

If I ever wanna die

It’s right there waiting on me

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

1-0 YOU KNOW

He says he admires me

Stares at my picture at home

The thought fucking tires me

He listened to my album

In its entirety

He had notes

Questioned the minor key

The metaphors

And slight use of irony

I took two classes at once

Call me Hermione

I’ve got piercing eyes

Call me siamese

I have a secret admirer

She says I’m a dime piece

But I’m still thinking of my ex

Wearing her time piece

Take four pills and I’m me 

Finally

Take four pills and I sleep

Soundly

Take four pills and I’m beast

Finally

Take four pills and I sleep

Soundly

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

RISE UP

You washed your hands of me

If only I could have hit the bottle

Blown all my money on the lotto

Tapped into any vice

I tried my hand at one

Well a wrist

And a slice

I want to call the dope man

But I’m too focused

I’m too responsible

But I still jumped in naked

Yelling geronimo

When I was little I built

Towers out of dominos

I had better reflexes

Before I swallowed a bottle of tylenol

On paper they wrote catatonic

Blank stares, withdrawn

Schizophrenic, delusional

Except when she sings songs

I’m beating on my chest in grief

Like King Kong

Wishing I didn’t do any

And everything wrong

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

SCRAM

I think she loved his...

Rooster

I tell it how it is

I’m a straight shooter

When we were kids

No one saw a future

But we all grew up

Just took a few sutures

She took care of me

He took care of him

I learned I could get love

If I showed a little skin

I learned to get drunk

So I started to binge

And when I smell liquor

I still feel a little twinge

I lost her first

I lost him later

I chew the memories around

My mouth waters and I savor

But wait a minute

I never said I was a savior

So is it really my fault that

I couldn’t save her?

I did a few things

On camera

I washed the weed down

With a fanta

Sure have felt

Lost in Atlanta

But now I’m feeling

Closer to Sandra

I enjoy waking up

With no one but Miguel

I don’t miss him

Or emotional hell

I don’t miss her

Or the wedding bells

I enjoy turning in

Saying life sure is swell

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

HINDSIGHT’S 20/20

By the time I learned about molestation

It had already happened

And by the time I learned what abuse was

We were already packing

When you’re young

The violence is normal

Maybe it hurts

But you see him and you’re cordial

I didn’t see myself liking drugs

Until I was smoking

I didn’t see myself getting into bdsm

Until I was choking

I told myself

I’d never turn out like my parents

So when I dated an abuser

I was embarrassed

I told myself I had a crush

But I could never love her

I could kiss a girl

But I could never fuck her

I might date a few girls

Then I would marry a man

Turns out I’m gay

Guess God had different plans

I studied hard

Thought I was guaranteed a career

Now I work dead end jobs

Haven’t had those dreams in years

By this age

I thought I’d be published

People tell me I’m good

But not good enough shit

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

TRAPPED

If she was a car

She’d be a B.M.W.

No punch backs

No hiding with subtle hues

If she was a number

She’d be a perfect square

She always picks truth

She never picks dare

If she was an instrument

She’d be a guitar

Bad when out of tune

But in tune she goes hard

If she was a sport

She’d be surfing

Beating down like waves

But a good rides worth the hurting

If she was a movie

She’d be a drama

I cry over her but

Damn I love my lil mama

If she was an emotion

She’d be anger

She got me feeling tough

I’d take on any danger

If she was a food

She’d be cranberries

Splash in some vodka

Drink and be merry

If she was a year

She’d be 2013

My lucky year

New life emerging

If she was a place

She’d be a bar

Hole in the wall

Surface scars

If she was an explosive

She’d be tnt

She blew me apart

And now I’m so empty

[wordsfromaskeleton23]

C.S.K.

She cradled my heart like a baby

And then shook it to death

Morbid I know

But so was the sex

The push me pull me

Like here bitch fetch

Smiling down at me

Smothering my breath

Hashing it all out

Until there was nothing left

She threw my dead heart at me

I proceeded to catch

Then she emptied my pockets

Gypsy girls do it best