i missed you today @wordsidontsend - Tumblr Blog

you didn’t have to, but you were there. i recognize that now. even though sometimes my mind distorts everything so that i feel. so alone. i know, that you were sitting near me because you knew i was down. and i still walked away. sorry. for refusing even that small bit of comfort. i was bitter about how easy it was for you to laugh and talk with other people. people that aren’t me. it was unfair of me. since we are both quiet in our own ways. your care is quiet too. sorry i didn’t accept it. even though i know it means more to me than it does to you. thank you. i can pretend you think about me sometimes too. after all, you never fail to tease me about the things i like and don’t like. and knowing when i skip my meals. and for trying to reply to my stupid messages. if i were easier to love, where would we be?

sorry for being me. hard to talk to. depressing. it’s hard to look at me, right? i’m so sorry. for the person that i am when i don’t want to be me. but knowing that that’s me, too. sorry.

that other post did not age well. i can’t stop thinking about you, want to see you all the time. want to be close to you. hands on wrists. you must’ve been drunk, but there’s no way you don’t remember, right? sitting across from each other at the table, surrounded by coworkers and friends. your hands reached out towards me. and me, with my cold hands. your warm ones. how lonely am i that i can’t forget the feeling? and pretending like it didn’t mean anything. excuses lined up at the edge of my teeth. the fact that you don’t even have to pretend, because it was nothing. it would never work out between us. but i still. want.

other things: you leaning against me as you collapsed in laughter, making sure that i was okay throughout the night since you know i don’t drink often. can’t even count the number of times you asked me if i was okay, really. on the last round of shots, telling me that you’d take mine for me. and reaching your hand out to do so when the others weren’t looking. our own little secret. how grateful i was. you, playing with my hair. i wanted to put my head in your hand. moments where we just looked at each other. the fact that you stayed until 3am, even though you never stay for things like that. letting me hold onto your arm when we walked out into the cold night, like always. laughing at me after we both got into our own cars, because i shivered so hard. i like you so much.

i used to be so depressed that i would have to make things up about myself, just to fill in all the gaps. things about myself laid out in detailed lists. this is your favorite color, this is the day of the week you like the most, this is your hand, this is your heart. hell, i even had a fake birthday, because my actual birthday was too much for me to stomach. the day i was born. it was so bad that every day was the same, until i got to remind myself that it was thursday. and that was the day i chose to be my favorite, so it had to be good, right?

all these things just to stay alive, when i badly wanted to not exist. seeing anything red and getting it, hoping that it would make me happy even just for a moment. filling up my life with a bunch of somethings made from nothing. for years, i made watching movies my hobby. not out of love for film, though i did gain appreciation for it later, but out of desperation. i watched 123 movies in 2013. half of them weren’t even particularly memorable. but it gave me something to do, that didn’t have anything to do with my own life.

laid out like this, it doesn’t seem real. this is my hand, this is my heart. this is the monster that i lived with, and tried to turn into something softer. and the thing is, i’m still that person. the one that loves the color red, whose favorite day of the week is thursday, and likes to watch movies. i celebrate my birthday but that day in august will always mean something to me. i guess the trick is to not be scared of your shadow. to realize that the monster in the mirror deserves love too.

same hand, same heart.

read through all my posts. all the way to may of 2014. the reason why i started this blog. i can’t believe i liked someone so much, that this wasn’t all just to post depressing shit. i really really liked tyler. wow. all the worries i’ve been having lately... i guess i don’t like him much after all. seeing as how nothing even comes close to the crush i had on tyler. and how tentatively i liked brian. wow. it’s been a long time.

came back from my family road trip thinking that i would hibernate for a week. instead, david came over at 9pm to eat bun rieu and drink sharetea. spent a lot of time just talking and catching up before he fell asleep around 4am. video called with minh starting around midnight and stayed up talking to him until 5am. fell asleep next to david, his arm next to my head, my fingers on his wrist. he left the next morning close to 10 after being awake together for 2 hrs, and spent time talking to minh before falling back into sleep. a mix of two people. the one you loved and the one you could love, but the present exists as it is.

one free day in the middle of a storm of schedules. i wonder how it’ll feel if that were constantly my life. the you who always does your best, and who is full of energy and honesty, i’m proud of you. it’s admirable. even if i don’t understand, i know that it’s hard to be able to do the things you do. especially with anxiety. i want to cry for you, i want to cry with you, i never want you to cry. wishing you happiness today too. (i’m drowning).

if i never got hungry, i would probably never remember to eat.

sometimes, it’s not the fact that i’m down that has me so sad; it’s knowing that nothing will make me feel better. that nothing really gets better.

lol. came back from japan a few days ago. two weeks away but it feels weird to be back. remembering that this is my life. things feel so dull and awful. it’s funny how not funny it is. 444am on may 10th. the day before my birthday. would be the perfect day to die, forever 23. what a fucking joke. i even thought about my ment for my birthday already. “what a miracle, to be celebrating another birthday.” “celebrating.” when i was 14, i thought i would be dead at 16, 20 at the latest. what a miracle, to be 24. one more day. i said that i love myself but i also think i’m such a bad person sometimes. i even hate the birds that chirp in the early hours of the morning, telling me i’m not alone. how sad is it that i have to travel halfway across the world to be content with my life. not where i am. escapism. dreaming, always. is travelling my reality or am i just escaping reality by travelling. i feel so awful. i want to cry.

how can living be so hard? not even counting the days when something bad actually happens. just every day life. how can i feel so shitty just living my life. it’s not like my day was so bad that i had to go home and cry about it. yet, i can’t stop crying. i think i should be on medication. i think i shouldn’t be alive if i can’t even deal with life without medication. i don’t want to be alone but i can’t talk to anyone without bringing them down.

i remember. my mom, she bought this guitar for me because i really wanted it. went with me to the shop to pick one out and everything. such small moments. i haven’t thought about it in years. things are so easily overshadowed by the present. even though i have received a lot of love in my life. it’s hard to always remember.

i used to write about love here, now i only write about suffering.

i’ll be okay and then this feeling--this stupid, clenching, aching feeling--hits me low in my chest, constricts my lungs and reminds me. it’s hard to be alive. living isn’t easy. i don’t have any plans for the future because i thought i would be dead at 16, dead at 20, dead at 23. maybe i still will be. how can people that don’t know what it’s like to be suicidal understand what i mean when i say, “i don’t believe in the future.” how can i explain without leaving myself bare? i have a 12 week plan and even that is too much. life is uncertainty. the one truth is that everyone dies. i’m sorry. it’s morbid.

you know. when i was in middle and high school, time would pass by so slowly for me. every day was something i dreaded, and each hour dragged. i was always waiting to die. i am still waiting, but time flies by so quickly now. looking at the calendar, i’m overwhelmed. there’s always more. is life always so full when you’re an adult because you have so many responsibilities? or is it because i don’t manage my time well? or because i am always worrying about things i can’t control? with work, with chua, with friends, with hobbies. it seems like i never have time. but that’s not true, since i still do things well by myself. lying around in bed.

i was thinking about this while watching a video in memory of someone who passed away. not to make it sound sad. but i was thinking, one of my very best friends. i met him through chua when i was 14. i’ll be turning 24 in may. crazy, i know. considering that you don’t really remember your childhood years; i want you guys to know that the friendships and relationships you’re building right now will last most of your life, and through some of the most important parts of your life. graduating high school, first job, entering college, this and that. and the memories you make at chua. it’s something me and my friend still talk about sometimes. like hey, remember that camp, or remember that lion dance performance or that tu hoc. so forth. places aren’t important, but the memories make them important. it’s hard to know at the moment that you’re going to remember this one point forever, and know that it’s a happy moment. so that’s why i’m not going to lecture about this. i think, with time, you guys will know too. or you already do. i hope you look back in 10 years and think, ah. the things i did were fun. the people around me are funny and kind. i was very happy.

why don’t people cry more? or, why do i cry so much?

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i missed you today