bad angsty poetry

personal blog don’t read

[wordsinline]

I think I need to come to peace with my enemies

Not just merely forget

To move on

[wordsinline]

I’m always looking for a new start

A blank slate to start from

To finally get to where I want to be

How I think it should be

Should have been

Before

Supported. Light. With people who care. Easy

Before I had to run from this pain in my chest

Before I was always stuck thinking I’m being punished

On some level or another

For who I am or what I’ve done

How I act when I’m really me

Five steps behind the others

Because I don’t understand people

And I latch on

I do it wrong

Over and over and over. I’m trying to restart

But I always end up with the blank slate I started on

[wordsinline]

saying and really believing are two very different things

easily mistaken

when we don’t know how it feels.

those mistaken baseless words to myself

were reaching. floating. convincing.

far from grounded within my truth.

I see her as myself

cheery. laughable. chaos.

‘annoying’ a fact our mind had supplied.

but I see her through their eyes.

her love. her care. her energy.

her worth. my worth. redefined.

I see myself anew.

a knowledge I don’t have to convince

to another part of me

blooms.

I am worthy

I am good

I know what I deserve.

chasing is now over

it’s my turn now

me, myself, and I.

[wordsinline]

my heart is a chasm that bores into my chest

the deeper i let the knife in the worse the pain when it leaves

but it’s the only thing that fits the void

or im too lazy to find something else

[wordsinline]

im letting this chasm before me grow

deeper and deeper and deeper

i can already feel the echo

of when i finally slip through the cracks

and drop

splat

onto the ground

[wordsinline]

some of these lines are pretty raw actually.

‘Baseball player throwing the ball at the ground’ (life arc)

‘I see myself in everything I despise’

‘I wish I could’ve shared them’ (wrinkles)

*fuck life into submission poem*

‘When I care to live in the real world…’

‘And my thoughts aren’t made of art’

Youth exhaustion poem

[wordsinline]

Seizers

It’s

Friends who have your

Background

Your

Back

Your

Friends have you

Your heart in

Hand

Friendship through

And through and through

All for one, head forth not back

[wordsinline]

Ghfhf

Poetry was never my strong suit. I talk in context - things I’ve heard before, recycling the voices of others

Poets have this way of capturing the language for themselves, wrestling the airy quotes and phrases down to pinpoint their actual experience

For them it flows naturally I can only imagine, but it is a good exercise to try

Earlier I tried, and managed to pull out something like

‘I feel like a motor, the cord has been pulled and revved. No way to turn it off, just need to wait it out to run out of steam’

Which incidentally is quite accurate to my current situation

The mind screaming with possibility. The body agreeing. The clock saying no

Looking at the blank page there is always a pressure that removes the flow of imagination I had experienced at a prior moment

Before, I had been eager to write about the image of the sparkling blue sea and little green island that my mind had been supplying me

The thoughts of Swiss mountains, the memories of far off places that make me smile when I close my eyes

24 years of colours, thoughts and feelings that I’m surprised all fit into one brain

Kayaking, swimming, skating, running in the dark

That feeling that I had wasted everything being rethunk

The enjoyment of school, friends and lights and fun

The steam a little lost since the age of 16, but picking up in places

Reignition lost in the depths of my to do list

Pushed forward now at 3:00am

Is my trajectory off? Should I shoot away? Am I more scared of losing what I have not yet lost, than ready to discover more to keep?

Or is it just logistics? Numbers, logic and just caution

How much logic till it’s overthinking?

How much caution till we’re stifled?

How much fearing regret, protecting peace

Until the risk of every decision is snuffed out

The answer, pretentious reader, you can probably get at

With the revelation and acceptance of what my heart, mind and body are hammering away at me for

The motor is slowing, I am slipping

And sleep is on the horizon

[wordsinline]

I’m looking forward to death

makes me want it for everyone

shared collective oblivion

not like Terrorism

I don’t jntqcahymorw I’m tired

[wordsinline]

WHat is most important is a storyline

a tragedy

something people can see themselves in and learn from

we are all the main characters of our own lives

our existence is our own personal tv show

mine is, and it’s stupid to say, undoubtedly a tragedy.

there’s no heartwarming ending

it’s a cautionary tale

of how not to do it

how not to attempt to escape

how to actually and end up full circle

in a tiny little arc

like a baseball batter throwing the ball at the ground

a failure

that’s my life and that’s how it ends

[wordsinline]

am i going to put a knife in my gut

like the pull when I see it on the counter

on the right side of my gut

when my heart squeezes and skips and stutters and burns and spasms

push it in so slow and feel and slicing powerful through my side

and my heart squeezes and squeezes

the knife buried to the hilt pushed in by my own hand

where do we go from here

[wordsinline]

I hate

I hate

I hate

the tightness in my chest

the burn behind my eyes

the fact I see myself in everything that I despise

Buddhism says death of the ego

self is not a thing

so where is all this hate that I carry within

attributed to

how can i move on from an undirected hate

[wordsinline]

I am a wriggling little worm.

flailing around in the same place

notice me! notice me!

I flick about in my filth

i want to be taken away!

a bird looks down and spots me

cringes, and goes upon its way.

a fisherman comes by with a fishing pole

but even he won’t do what I say

‘please! put me on the end of a hook! I want out of here’

a desperate little call from a disgusting little thing

that everyone should just ignore and let flail in its grave

[wordsinline]

been trapped beneath the ice

my whole entire life

been waiting for someone to snag me on a hook

pull me out of the water

but i think I’ve been too late to bite

[wordsinline]

Zombie

I’m incomplete

All the places I was meant to go

People I was meant to see

Follow me like phantom limbs

Collecting and collecting

Onto my body

An arm sticking out of my head

A foot buried in my throat

I walk around disbalanced disembodied disconnected

Can people sense it? This growing chasm

A cancer pushing me further and further down. the road

Reaching and collecting and collecting and collecting

More ghosts

[wordsinline]

Just some thoughts

im a stick figure

hollowed out

fleshed scooped like pink Percy pigs

squeeze my heart like a fish in a bag

the uk is a goldfish in a bag

How can a goldfish suffocate in a bag

Squeezing squeezing squeezing

Flung about to the whim of the giant toddler

The goldfish is stuck in the bag

Dropped to the floor forgotten

Gravel sticks into the plastic but the bag bends and spreads and spreads

Plastic barrier is still there

Stretching ever tighter ever tighter

More and more tension

We try to scream but it gets in our mouth

Seals the screaming mouth

We’re suffocating through plastic

In a cage of gravel

Percy pigs in a bag

Many Percy pigs

With their gelatine grins and plasticky skins

They turn their subjects insane

Percy pigs all around

I’ll save this when there’s service this time

[wordsinline]

My Blue Future

eu eu eu

are you

good enough

blue card enough

green card enough

red card. enough

whistles and whistles and whistles

bells and red red tape

dance and dance and dance

to the drone and whine of fate

a fuzzy card

a faded

flimsy

fading card

enough enough enough. im seeing yellow stars

wet at the bottom of the ocean/

wrong chosen colour didn’t keep me afloat

but all ink bleeds through the water/

all colour is far now

all ink bleeds through the water/

in the deep deep deep deep end

settled in my blue future

can this be my remain?