Letters From Nowhere

-Opening the blinds to let the sunlight in- Viktor, he/him, 23

[wordsonmars]

Sometimes I still think of you, Golden hair, eyes of blue, All the pain you put me through and try to find a reason.

[wordsonmars]

You’re nothing like them, are you?

For all the girls I wrote songs about

and all the boys I kissed in these city lights,

None of them ever moved me, made me feel like this.

You’re nothing like them, you know?

And I don’t know what to do about it.

[wordsonmars]

Your hair dye stains on my parents old bedsheets.

Everyone who sleeps in them is cursed, it seems.

Just for tonight, let’s pretend it went well,

Just for tonight, pretend I’m somebody else.

[wordsonmars]

Prayers.

Never finding the right words to tell you how I feel should have been the first sign.

Under your spell, lost and forgetting who I am, forgetting how to do what I need to do.

It’s my job to speak things into existence, to make the ugly lovely, the sinner beautiful, if just in words.

Maybe the right ones would have made this bearable, maybe the right ones would’ve made you love yourself enough to hate the idea of me a little less.

The second you let go of me, a thousand prayers flooded by head.

I’ll write them down now, that way I can’t lose myself again.

[wordsonmars]

Adolescent desire.

I left a piece of myself on the train to your place,

Could you go and get it for me?

Blue and black and soft like clouds.

I’m sure you’ll recognise it when you see it.

There isn’t much else left that would be worth holding onto now, is there?

All I am and ever was to you is an excuse to hate.

If you bring me back my heart, I’ll even allow you to take another bite, swallow it, puke it up where your dignity goes to die.

I hope you can savour the taste, even if it’s not worth keeping down. I hope I tasted good to you, like entire pints of ice cream, I hope I coat your tongue like chocolate cake.

Overindulged until you got sick of it, like you always do.

[wordsonmars]

Angel.

Outside my window the birds are singing while I’m locked up in this cage I bought for myself.

I can’t make a noise, I can’t speak, I can’t make this choice.

Coughing fits have taken my voice for now, for how long, I don’t know, I can’t remember.

Your breathing poisoned me, filled me with smoke, filled me with dust, hot late summer evenings, I can remember those.

The mirrors here lie, I know that, they show me hand prints where there aren’t any, I know nothing at all.

My love and my hate for you are infinit, my love and my hate for you are indescribable, my love and my hate for you don’t exist after all.

I never wanted to care, never cared before, so why start now?

I’m choking on my spite, but I can’t make a noise.

Dead canary, too far gone, choking on my voice, reading and writing poems about cuts and hearts, hoping to feel something other than my own bleeding out.

[wordsonmars]

Why didn’t you just say so?

[wordsonmars]

I’ve lost some hair, I’ve lost some sleep, I’ve lost my dignity

I said my prayers, I tried to keep whatever’s left of me

Because you’re not worth to be the death of me

You’re not worth to be my destiny

[wordsonmars]

I don’t know if you’ll still be in love when you come home

And I don’t know if I’ll still call it mine when you do.

There’s so much left to say, nothing I can do.

I don’t know if your intentions were ever true.

I talk about you in my sleep and it’s keeping me awake.

I can’t go back to memories where I could still hold on to you.

If you do mean all the worlds you said,

I hope you stay away.

I can’t change the feelings in your chest,

That lead you on your way.

Maybe it was my mistake, 

To ever love like people do.

Maybe it was my mistake, 

To ever fall in love with you.

[wordsonmars]

I was raised by an angry man,

So I keep angry men around.

Not because I look for them or enjoy their company,

More because I feel like I can only function with one around.

And even when I’m alone,

The angry man is right there with me, looking back from the mirror.

[wordsonmars]

Lungs

Fill your lungs with air

Breathe in, breathe out

You know they never really cared

Listen to your heart, beating so loud

Fill your lungs with blood

Final breath in, final breath out

As you lay in the mud

Do you think she’d be proud?

Silent and still, the end if you will

Came easier than you thought

But part of you clings to it still

The life that your decisions brought

Silent heart, silent mind

Your first taste of peace

You really weren’t meant for their kind

Let your conscience fade at ease

[wordsonmars]

Haunted house heart

Your body’s an amusement park

Long forgotten in the dark

Until the power comes back on

When all your hesitation’s gone

Your haunted house heart

Your lost place eyes

Pouring down rivers

Rest in the lies

Your soul’s a church

Abandoned and old

So even while burning

You’ll always feel cold

Your haunted house heart

Your broken down dreams

A child torn apart

Cracked behind the scenes

Your eyes are like a park

Been still for years

It’s already getting dark

Nowhere to run from all your fears

Your haunted house heart

Your naked insecurities

Always playing your part

Drowning in your melodies

[wordsonmars]

California sunshine

I spent my nights at the hospital falling asleep to the playlists you had made me, over and over again, hoping that maybe you’d think of me too.

A childish infatuation, a teenage crush, maybe you’ll be the last one of its kind, I’m slowly growing too old for them.

I think if we had been cities, not countries apart, nothing could’ve stopped my head first dive for destructive dependency on you. Do you like me because I’m a girl? Is it exciting to break your own ruleset? Or do you like me because there’s a silent promise that I’m not actually a sin, that maybe I can push the binary far enough so your mother wouldn’t have a heart attack if she ever were to meet me. She never will, anyway.

You fill my head with caterpillars, slowly eating away at my thoughts to maybe some day turn into butterflies. You write things better than I could ever feel them, I need your words just to get by.

I know I’m making this so much worse than it has to be for either of us, but I’m scared to let go of you.

A year from now, maybe two, will you remember my name? Will you smile when your feed spits out one of my nonsensical thoughts every once in a while? Will we stay in touch long enough for me to watch you marry the blond guy of the week from behind my screen?

You’re a beautiful dream, but I know those always have to come to an end. I’m just waiting for the alarm to wake me up. Until then, just five more minutes. Just five more.

[wordsonmars]

Orange popsicles The worst thing about depression, to me, was always how it could make the most beautiful things seem so dull.

Weeks come and go without leaving a trace. Months would flow together into one big blur of nothingness. Some days of my teenage years I can remember more clearly, others are lost to me forever.

What I do remember and always will is you.

Being fifteen, first tastes of freedom, taking you out for lunch. The waiter brings me the bill as we eat our dessert. Everyone around us knows what we are, we just haven’t caught up quite yet.

Being sixteen, holding hands when my parents aren’t looking. The city is brutal for people like us, but we walk through the bustling mall anyway, close but at a distance.

Being seventeen, gentle orange popsicle kisses making up for our first. You were the first girl I had ever kissed that way, back when we both were still girls.

Being eighteen, cold in the middle of August, wondering how you’re holding up. The pandemic hadn’t been what made us drift apart, but it didn’t help either.

Being nineteen, still starving, angry at you. I guess a part of me had still felt entitled to you in some way. There were other men now, boys I would secretly curse for having everything I couldn’t have; a body that fit them, you.

Being twenty, we’ve finally made it to the concert we’ve been talking about since Highschool. You remember the words and I remember teaching you. The music is loud, but the memories are louder. Kisses on the cheek and “I love you”s escaping our mouths. You’re happy now, with him, and that’s all that matters to me.

We started out as the only two queers at a small town public school, always judged, but never harmed. We grew up to be so much more than that and it cost its price. If I could go back, knowing what I know, I would always do it again.

We were just two girls trying to figure out where to go and while we’re not there yet, I think we finally found our ways.

[wordsonmars]

I know that I’m a project

Your love an act of charity

For you to try and protect

My fragile insecurity

And if I were a better man

Would you even bother

Are you here to prove you can

Care more than my mother

[wordsonmars]

Some day I’ll be one more mistake

A lesson learned along the way

You’ll cut me off for your own sake

And I won’t beg for you to stay

What else do I have to give?

If not hurt to make you grow

Memories will soon outlive

Any promise we could show

So if we meet again one day

Promise me that you won’t tell

Promise me you’ll walk away

And I’ll pretend to wish you well

[wordsonmars]

You make me sick

Twist my insides, tie them to knots

Butterfly heart aches

Make my skin bloom forget me nots

I would sell my soul

For a single smile

Would give it all

Just to make you stay a while

And maybe that would make us fools

I know I can’t deny it

That I never learned to play or follow the rules

But I’d like to try it