Floating Through Time

[wornoutshoe1000]

Dreams

I had a dream last night where I found Dean, my diseased cat, as a kitten. He was very small and soft. I picked him up and held him close to me and I thought if I did that then nothing bad happen to him, because I had him, and that maybe that would come true.

[wornoutshoe1000]

I’m somewhere inbetween smart and dumb. I’ve got a full deck of cards, but I don’t know how to play 😬.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Toxic parent(s)

Parents arguing in front of their children is fucking disgusting.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Why isn’t anyone talking about this? Instead all I see is people glorifying some child murderer 🙄. This was fucking heart breaking.

[wornoutshoe1000]

I lost my Dean about 7 months ago. He was my everything. My best friend. He was always there for me, and was the best damn snuggle buddy that I’ve ever had. And I’m still not over him dying. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with him leaving me. It’s just not fair. He wasn’t even a year old when his illness took him from me. It’s just not fair.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Where did I go wrong?

I always feel so aware of how ugly and fat I am, but I’m always thinking “at least I’m smart. At least I have that going for me”. Like no matter how fat I get, or how ugly I become, I’ll always be at least a little intelligent. But recently, I’ve just felt so fucking stupid. What the fuck is wrong with me. Where did I go wrong? Why am I such a useless human being? What am I good for? Nothing. I’m not gonna go anywhere with my life, and I’m not gonna make anyone happy. I’m always the one making people feel better, but who’s making me feel better? No one. Hopefully I’ll die soon.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Dismissed.

Dismissed. I’m months passed needing new glasses, I need my guitar back for music class, after not getting it for weeks, I wrote something for our local paper, and haven’t fucking gotten to see it, and if I want to go to the movies to see something, it’s not gonna happen, because if Emily wants something, it’s not important. If they don’t have to, they won’t. And even if they have to, they fucking won’t. I’m tired of caring for other people, because they don’t care about me. I get dismissed so fucking often, that it’s normal for me.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Ex Toxic Friends

Sometimes “Ex toxic friends” will try to continued to fuck with your life, even after you break it off. Sometimes all you want to do is go home and scream into your pillow because no matter how much they push your buttons, and no matter how much they’re mean or rude to you, you can’t do anything about it. If you react, you’re just giving them what they want. You don’t give toxic people what they want. So the only thing you can do is ignore them. Push forward with your life. If the people surrounding you know you, they’ll know who the real victim is. They won’t fall for bullshit lies. I know I should find comfort in that, but the thing is, I don’t. I’m still upset. My anxiety is still bad. I still want to walk up to that toxic ex friend and ask them why they’re so fucking hurtful. But I can’t. That is what makes me angry. Not being able to defend myself.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Thanks!

Hey, thanks to the people who have decided to follow me recently :D. I feel like this is the only place that I can say what’s on my mind, and where I can truly express myself ❤️. Stay tuned, posting something different in a little while.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Having a friend who isn’t actually your friend.

Having a friend who isn’t actually your friend. Sure, you guys joke around, laugh, have sleepovers, but that’s only 30 percent of the time. The other 70% is them belittling you, making fun of you, controlling you, not letting you have any other friends, kicking you, locking you out of buildings, and making your problems seem like nothing compared to theirs. They will even scream at you, say hurtful things, and block your phone number, but they will eventually come back and apologize. They will say they didn’t mean it, say they are just having a hard time, and say they want to be friends again. You will forgive them, and this will happen again and again rinse and repeat. They will make it seem like everything is perfect again, and they have your back. But all of the sudden you do something to make them mad, and even if it seems like nothing, they will still hurt you. This is a toxic relationship, and you don’t need it. Don’t believe them when they say they’ll be better, because they’re lying. They won’t keep it up. They will only hurt you more, and leave you wondering what you did wrong. Don’t forgive them. Cut them out of your life because honey, you can do so much better. I can do so much better.

[wornoutshoe1000]

I swear to god if I have to eat one more can of soup 😤😤😤😤

[wornoutshoe1000]

Sometimes I just want to bash my head in.

When things get pushed on to me, when people don’t see what work I do, and when they refuse to do what I do, I get frustrated and upset. For some reason, certain people in my life don’t see what I do, and it sucks. Or they think since they’re life is busier, they don’t have to do it. They think since I don’t have a boyfriend, or a job, I can magically do everything, and they don’t have to worry about it. And when I ask them to pitch in, its “oh, I can’t, my girlfriend is coming over, or I have to work today, or it’s my day off, I shouldn’t have to do it. It won’t hurt for you do do something for once in your life”. It’s fucked up. Because I do a lot. It’s not like I don’t do anything. If I stopped doing what I do, they would instantly notice. And when they finally do something to help, it’s half assed, and complaining because I’m not the one doing it. Sometimes I just want to cry because people don’t even pretend like they appreciate what I do. Sometimes I just want to bash my head in.

[wornoutshoe1000]

Do you ever get that feeling?

Do you ever get that feeling that you wish you were someplace else? Like you have the worst case of cabin fever? As if if you don’t get up and go somewhere new right this moment, you’ll rip your hair out? That’s how I feel right now. I need to do something...new...different. I need new surroundings, new things to explore, better inspiration.

[wornoutshoe1000]

A ghost.

I feel like a ghost. I feel like People can’t actually hear me. Or I guess they choose not too. If I have a dream, it gets shot down by one of the most important people in my life, and everyone else just sits and stares. If I’m having problems, I’m a problem. I am always there for others, but when it’s time for them to be there for me, it’s not important. But if I tell anyone that, they will tell me that I’m wrong, and that I’m being dramatic. People don’t care what I have to say, and I know because I can’t even get a thought out before I’m interrupted, because what they have to say is better. I’ve been told by someone that should be my biggest supporter, that what I want to do with my life is stupid, and I should forget about it. That there’s something wrong with me for wanting that. And I’m just supposed to agree with them, and move on with my life. I hate everyone. I don’t want to die, I just want people to care. To care enough to notice that I’m hurting. To notice that I’m not a ghost.