wowwaitwhat

yeah yeah i'm a bitch i know

[wowwaithat]

me quiero herir . un golpe tan fuerte que pueda romper mi mandíbula

[wowwaithat]

extraño mucho a mi Gordito :(

[wowwaithat]

... Now I’m going to talk about the most vain or egotistical part of this ride of pain with my mom as my mother which don’t get me wrong I very much love her. She never once abused me physically nor neglected me or kept food/water form me. I always had shelter clean sheets and a clean home beautiful bed four walls and a bedroom door. WEALTH. ......

[wowwaithat]

.... I want to put this subject to rest. So I’m going to write it out so I can feel heard it’s here and it’s said and it’s my truth. To add to that previous post I love my mom and I tell her after almost every conversation and every time I see her. There is just a lot of hurt in me that I believe might be stemming from my relationship with my mother. I’ve spoken to her about it and it’s been a huge long journey. I need to speak about my experience so that I can move forward with my mind because clearly I get ptsd when certain things are said and done and it just takes me down the rabbit hole of my childhood torture. As a child no matter how straight forward I spoke it wasn’t enough. No matter my honesty. My point was always missed and I suddenly became the villain which would lead me to frustration Jesus. It’s always been so fuking mind boggling god it hurt so much all over that I would explode. I would basically become hysterical and would scream so loud I could feel myself shaking and my whole energy would volcalinize (basically erupt and spread like lava) into my home it was so intense I can still feel those moments I felt that no matter what I did I was trapped. and honestly it felt like my mother enjoyed it she was the adult and if felt like she would purposefully ridicule me and place me in a glass box of torture so that her and my siblings could get an amusement out of it. Then my dad would get home from work and she would just add on to how horrible I was and that I needed to be penalized. Often times my father had my back and would see through it and defend me. After a while I could sense my dad was tired of it and he never made me feel like my mother did but he’d come home from work and was tired so he wouldn’t really defend me anymore and god my mom she was just so intense and so much she would go after my dad when he would defend me so eventually he stopped which made me feel even lonelier but at least he never made me feel like I was a monster. This was all under the age of nine. By the time I was a pre teen and a teenager I simply stopped caring. My mentality was “fuck this fuck that fuck everything and everyone because regardless I am evil I am wrong I am bad I am not real I’m horrible and no one loves/likes me because I am a disgusting human being who is completely disgusting and not a child of god.” I felt that no matter what I did in life I would be punished because I was just not a good person. My child body and mind could only think I am most definetly not supported but I was still a child and started everyday with optimism every fucking day I was just so happy to go outside be under the sun, lay on the grass, hug the trees, pet all the little weird crawlers in the dirt and smile I loved that part of life so much it made waking up the most amazing part of the day. But the day was never complete without my mom making me feel like shit I would go to my room and cry my eyes out and on a loop tell myself pls stop talking to mom pls stop talking to mom she’s doesn’t like you and you know it. Avoid her pls avoid her pls don’t fall for her nice trap. I want to be able to go back in time and hug my baby self tell her that’s she’s nice, she’s honest, an angel and a good person a sweet person who is worthy of compassion. .....

[wowwaithat]

que mierda

I have a current journal but its happy, relevant and neutral. Honestly its everything even sad and angry but there is a huge difference between sad and ¿depressed? ay que raro. anyways yo no quiero estar mal. pero ya tu sabes. I didn't know I was hurting so bad growing up. Then when I was a a teenager I was depressed and it is so weird to say or admit because I never saw it that way but OBVIOUSLY READ THE BLOG. ahahaha. that was a sarcastic laugh btw. anyways hi I'm 22 why am I still writing here. do humans forever have depressive episodes or only a percentage of the population? Disgusting. Whack. Disgusting thoughts, no se. Osea hoy todo el dia tuve imagines super gruesome pero ahorra lo veo asi, temprano los imagines eran casi espectacular. Calientitios, comodos, y agusto. Estoy super feliz de estar escribiendo porque me estoy sintiendo un poco relajada ahorra. Siento que puedo respirar otra vez. 

[wowwaithat]

TE AMO y me caga mi existencia

[wowwaithat]

I always want to die when I think of you, when I see you, when I know I can’t ever hug you again. I literally want to take an ax at my self until my heart comes out. I am so hurt, I never got to say goodbye idk where you are. I want to kill myself for knowing I never got to find you and show up to your rescue. I fucking hate myself!!!! Idk how much more I can feel it and say I’m so tiredddd of the outcome. You are so amazing and sweet and deserved better a billion times. I’m sorry I was selfish and wanted you so bad I brought you to a home where nobody cared to show you any compasión and the beaultiful little living baby you were and I hope continue to be. I miss you so muchhh. I don’t know if your sassy steps are still blessing this earth or if you encountered something bad when you left. I miss you, forever and always it’s been so long and I still cry myself to sleep. ILOVEYOU. My face is red I’m crying like a loser over something I created for myself. I fucking left I fucking left how could I of trusted the one person who made me feel like shit to take care of you while I pursued my education. te pido mil perdones mi Gordito. Te amo cariño. un chingo gracias por ser el único (después de mi papá) que me enseñó compasión creciendo en esa casa.

[wowwaithat]

i wonder if I am ever not going to want to kill myself

[wowwaithat]

I have been wanting to kill my self for a long time but sometimes I get really distracted and I remember three months later

[wowwaithat]

last night i saw you in my dreams. Now i cant wait to go back to sleep

[wowwaithat]

I’ve reached an all time fucking low. And stillll knowing this I can’t make the right decision. Who tf am I.

Trash trash trash

[wowwaithat]

the more time that passes the easier it is for me to know I don't want to be alive

[wowwaithat]

worst fucking nightmare

I hate being back here. I woke up from the worst dream ever if I have had bad dreams before this one they have been trumped. I can't even write it bc i don't ever want memory of it. I'm having the shittiest day. You helped me through hell and now that everything was pretty you left. Wtf. How am I supposed to have a good time. You weren't supposed to leave, especially not that way. My rock my everything. I love you so much bby boy. Everything is so fucking ugly and useless again

[wowwaithat]

I want to hug you one more time

[wowwaithat]

Gordito porque te fuiste

who tf do you go to to cry and explain everything to when the one you tell everything to is dead . He knew all my secrets wether he understood what I was saying or not he was always there. He was the one I went too I don't have anyone anymore

[wowwaithat]

I used to only smoke on Fridays

[wowwaithat]

my soul is so soft