Wrestling for Idiots

The All-American Wrestling Think Piece Collective, founded, established and later retconned, c. 2014.

[wrestlingforidiots]

WWE’s “Ringsider” Package, on sale now -- for the low, low price of whatever dignity you have left. So, $500.

If you don't think Raw has been a chore to sit through the last, oh, two years, probably closer to five or six, if I'm being honest, then do I have news for you! Spinning off my first topic of attending WWE live and in person, the company is now offering what they refer to as the "WWE Ringsider Package," giving fans the opportunity to sit front and center at an episode of Raw for the low, low price of... $500.

That's right! Five-hundred smackers, and another one planted across your stupid face if you think this, in any way, sounds like the deal of the century. Hey, century's still young enough, after all. Besides getting your stupid, greedy face on television, what does this package guarantee you? Have a look-see:

Calling all WWE fans! Ever wanted the opportunity to be on TV while watching WWE Raw or Smackdown? Well here is your chance! Purchase the WWE Ringsider Package which includes:

WWE Ringsider Package Premium Ringside Seat in the first 3 rows across from our cameras Exclusive limited edition Souvenir Chair Matted Autographed Superstar Photo Souvenir Ticket Plaque Ringsider Draw String Bag

Yeah, buddy, you now get to keep your seat! What better way to commemorate watching 20-minute opening promo segments and matches you've seen a dozen times, all ending in fuck finishes, than with a souvenir chair? Aha, an "exlusive" "limited edition" souvenir chair. That's, what, three separate modifiers WWE is using to try and make that hunk of tin seem more valuable than it is? As an owner of not one but two exclusive limited edition souvenir chairs, let me spoil it for you: It's just a goddamn chair. It'll say "WWE Raw" on it and within days, perhaps hours, you'll be wishing you had sold the thing to the first jamoke in the concourse offering you 20 bucks for it.

You also get a matted autograph Superstar photo, though you don't get to meet that Superstar, which kind of eliminates the point of having that person's autograph. Maybe it's just me but isn't the point of an autograph that you got to spend a little time with the person of interest, say hi to them, shake their hand, possibly get a photograph with them, before they sign whatever you like? Buying something that's pre-signed holds no special meaning because, essentially, you're paying money for somebody else to experience what you should be experiencing. That person not only gets to keep your money but they get to meet the Superstar and ask them how delicious was their lunchtime greenbean casserole. What a gyp!

"Souvenir ticket plaque" is the lamest thing ever because let's be honest: It's just a lousy ticket stub somebody wasted the time and materials to frame, and all it indicates was "I was here at this place, at this time. Hooray!" You are commemorating what, pray tell? That you went out of your way to see a three-hour taping of a company that has by far the worst wrestling product on the market right now? And it's Raw, to boot; the worst product of the worst wrestling product. Even SmackDown has been more entertaining and better-written than Raw has lately. This isn't a pay-per-view, where you get solid, lengthy, feud-ending matchups, and this isn't a house show, where you see storylines tested the first time and, well, lengthy matches. This is Raw. Full of promos and irrelevant celebrities and social media plugs and all that other nonsense. Do you really want something hanging on your wall/in your trash can that asks, "Hey, remember that time...?" No. You don't.

Oh, shit, I almost for the drawstring bag. Lest I forget the drawstring bag, probably the cream of this here crop of tacky, nonsensical loot the company is offering to make their "deal" seem like any sort of deal whatsoever. Consider that at WrestleMania Axxess you get to meet a top-level Superstar, get a photo with them and get their autograph, as well as get a collector's book of some kind -- as was the case when I met Undertaker at WrestleMania XXX last year -- plus, you have full access to the convention, how much would you expect that to cost, comparative to this Ringsider thing? If you answered "300 dollar less," you are correct! Well, you don't get that super exclusive souvenir chair to struggle to take home with you (trust me on that one), but it's a heck of a better a deal than what's being offered to check out an episode of 2015 Raw.

There have already been people paying this price. These seats used to go for $120 or so, which is completely reasonable, but now folks are dropping down $500, and for what? A bunch of cheap loot that doesn't even make up the outrageous cost of the ticket? Yes. The answer, as always, is yes. WWE fans have shown they have no problem being the lowest of the lowest common denominator of entertainment fans, so given the choice of buying a $20 seat in the upper deck, and procuring the other items on the list for another $80 or so, forgoing only the "opportunity" to have their dumb idiot faces on television all night, or paying five times that, guess what they chose? Guess what these geniuses who help make up the fanbase fine, reasonable people like you and me, chose? That's right.

If I had the kind of coin to blow on something like this, say, if I was getting with a Foley kid or if I was making a million dollars working at the Whole Foods, I too would take WWE up on this fantastic-sounding offer. I would. But, unfortunately, I don't make up the one percent of wrestling fans who can attend every PPV front and center, who can make every WrestleMania and appear in all the promo videos, or, now, who can sit camera side at Raw and get a sweet-ass drawstring bag at the same time, and all for cost. Rich wrestling fans, that's always seemed strange to me, as a general concept. Maybe it's because wrestling is so far associated with being a poor man's interest, where the overwhelming majority of the performers work for gas money (if they're compensated at all) and grapple in bingo halls and high school gymnasiums. I don't know, just seems weird to me.

If you're going to go for this deal, at least ensure you're sitting front row, would ya? If you're going to drop five-hundred bones, why would you settle for third? For an episode of Raw? This writer may never truly know.

[wrestlingforidiots]

I sold my Extreme Rules tickets, and I’ve never felt better.

I paid a buttload of money to attend WWE’s Extreme Rules tomorrow. It was a Monday and tickets for the first row of the upper deck just went on sale, and I had the extra money, so I thought, “Why not? WWE always kills it here. WWE loves Chicago.” I pulled the trigger and my bank account bled a little, but just like that, I had two tickets to see what I believed would be a bang-up show. It follows WrestleMania 31, after all, which amounted to one of the better PPVs since the one before it, which I had attended in New Orleans; what could possibly go wrong?

Weeks passed and the card started shaping up, and poorly, at that. I kept checking the ticket brokers and quickly, seats were flying, though I could never determine why. Title matches were signed, feuds were thrown together, and every big draw of the previous month’s showcase was conveniently left off the list. For comparison, last year’s follow-up to ‘Mania featured a killed Shield vs. Evolution match, and the year before that had a contest between two guys you don’t normally see on B-shows such as these, Triple H and Brock Lesnar. But for Chicago, which WWE so does not seem to love anymore, there would be none of that, for now we are fully entrenched in the Network Era, where B-shows feel cheaper and more thrown together than anything, a step above a decent episode of “Raw,” several notches below a WWE PPV in the months they actually, visibly, try.

So, I sold my tickets. And I made $140 profit, which I’m putting toward attending PWG’s Battle of Los Angeles in late-August. We’ll see tomorrow if that was the right decision, but first I will run down exactly what compelled me to give up my seats to this show. Hint, hint: It’s pretty much everything.

Nothing screams “bad” to me like “cage match main event,” by far the most tired of WWE’s stipulations, and even worse in this modern era of wrestling/sports entertainment. Maybe I’m still irked about the company completely ignoring Cody Rhodes’ awesome moonsault off the top of the cage in favor of midlife crisis Jericho’s diving whatever a few months later, but this match has always left me feeling cold and salty. And with Kane as the “gatekeeper,” and both Randy Orton and Seth Rollins’ popular finishers “banned” in one way or another, it’s difficult to be properly excited about this thing.

Then there is the matter of a potential-slash-probable no show in the form of Daniel Bryan, who was-slash-is scheduled to take on Wade Barrett’s walking abdominal muscles for the Intercontinental Championship, which at this point carries as much curse as the Sports Illustrated and Madden football covers, and Chicago Cubs, all rolled into one leather title belt. Bar midcard Cena, Bryan is the most “over” Superstar on this Extreme Rules card, and if he doesn’t compete, it doesn’t matter who or what takes his place, it will not be a pretty picture. On an already weak-looking lineup, the absence of Bryan looms huge, leaving the kids to cheer for Cena almost exclusively.

Oh, right, Cena’s in a match where the outcome has never been less in doubt, and it’s being contested in a “Russian Chain Match.” Strap matches, chain matches, they’re all pretty terrible, and no matter who wins, Rusev loses. If Rusev wins, it makes his first loss at last month’s WrestleMania for naught, and if he loses, it gives him two big, fat L’s in the span of less than 30 days, which isn’t healthy for a dude who used to be touted as unstoppable and unbeatable.

Throw in a Diva’s match featuring none of the popular Divas, toss the tag title match onto the kickoff show to further diminish the value of those championships, and put together a match between Big Show and Roman Reigns of all people, using (or wasting) the best, most engaging stipulation you have going that night, and that’s one hell of a turd being offered up by everybody’s favorite sports entertainment company. One which I almost, almost paid $190 to attend but, again, thankfully was able to sell my seats just in time.

There are, of course, reasons to tune in. At home, I should mention. The show is free, for one – I mean, if you’re a new fan who’s taking advantage of WWE Network’s “Free, Free, Free” month of April. Otherwise, you’re still on the hook for the $10 tab, ya sucker. But that’s still a comparatively cheap price tag compared to what I was, at one point in time, willing to dish out to attend this car wreck of a live event.

It takes place in Chicago, or as fans in the area know it, Rosemont, and those crowds are always nuclear. Remember CM Punk’s monumental entrance at Money in the Bank 2011? The much maligned “Boycott Raw” crowd from March 2014, the very one that Paul Heyman tore to shreds in the manner only he could? There is no doubt the crowd Sunday will be just as electric because, for reasons unknown to me, the Chicago area goes batshit crazy for any and every WWE event, quality regardless. Big Show and Kane could be main eventing that thing, and fans would still turn up in droves, paying their $20 to get triple-parked in the Allstate Arena’s gargantuan parking lot. (Side note: Park at the car wash across the street and save yourself a fiver for half a collector’s cup full of sugar water. You’ll thank yourself later as you are in and out within five minutes of the show’s ending.)

So, that’s it? The price and the crowd? How about any of the matches? OK, so despite the tackiest stipulation this side of the hog pen match, Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus squaring off doesn’t look too bad. Giving them pay-per-view time and the opportunity to look like stars among their peers will be fun, and you know those two will take the chance seriously. And Luke Harper and Dean Ambrose doesn’t look too bad, either, with a fine Chicago Street Fight stipulation attached – though the pessimist in me knows “street fight” in 2015’s WWE is nothing even remotely close to, say, that of a decade ago, where guys would be allowed to go all out. Expect a good match here, but also expect it to be Charmin soft; kendo sticks, weak chair shots, maybe a table spot.

Remember when WWE, while still safe, actually made it appear that the wrestlers were getting fucked up in hard-core-style matches such as these? Compare Shawn Michaels going off the Hell in a Cell in the first match of that sort to Dean Ambrose safely leaping off the cage to the table below to see what I mean. Everything in WWE nowadays appears cheap, overproduced and prop-like, as if the action is taking place on a sound stage where everything is rigged to blow or break as safely and mundanely as possible. Sure, the table bumps still look good, as is their intended design, but gone are the days when they also looked, and particularly felt, dangerous.

This all considered, I don’t personally believe the show will be an F-minus. WWE and its wrestlers, or whatever they would prefer to be called, all work hard, too hard for this event to reek something fierce. Recall, the inaugural Fastlane In Your House wasn’t all that bad despite looking it on paper. But, also recall that main event had a healthy-ish Daniel Bryan, featured Sting, and was leading to one of the finest WrestleManias of our time. I think this will be a good enough viewing, something great for those who are new to WWE or the Network, perfectly fine for gatherings with friends or other surly individuals at Buffalo Wild Wings or that one wrestling bar your city has. To attend, live and in person, though? And for how much WWE wants for a ticket? That’s a big, ol’ pass.

Stay home. Get some good, cheap beer, and a pizza. Spare yourself the pain, as I am. If the show ends up being really good, you at least can say you didn’t pay $20 to park, and that the beer was cheap, and that there weren’t lengthy lines to use your bathroom. But if it sucks? Well, hey, that’s $190 left in your bank account, and another $140 in your pocket, pal. Not a bad day at the office.