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personal blog ya know i tag everything a lot more than i should

[write-that]

Was it all really to get back at me for hurting your friend by showing interest in you? This idea won’t leave me alone. Was it all for him to see me, hurt and ignoring you, the way he was hurt and ignoring me not too long ago? Did you want me to tell my friends and my family about you just so that I would have to tell them you dropped me like a hot potato shortly after?

I keep feeling like that last time we all went out was a test I failed. Was it the ride to our friend’s mom’s being an opportunity to share, but I still didn’t? Or was it when we were all together and I was standoffish? Or there’s something else I’ve missed?

Was it just a failed attempt at sleeping with me? I know that was part of it. Obviously it’s normal to want to have sex with someone. But I kept getting this feeling that you were willing to be really manipulative in order to achieve that. And yet I still feel your heart is good. How could that be?

And how would you have been willing to date me if that’s all true? 

Can all of these things be true at the same time?

[write-that]

Do u remember that day we went downtown for my friend’s birthday?

(I know you do)

As we waited for the train, you placed your hand on mine. I remember you noticing my nails were dirty. I remember trying to hide them. I remember you noticing me trying to hide them. I remember not being able to help hiding them anyway.

Part of me feels like that’s all it all was. Me, ashamed, trying to hide myself. You trying to help me show myself. Me noticing you trying to help me show myself and still not being able to do it.

[write-that]

It’s ok! Con el tiempo se cura todo!

…right?

[write-that]

How can I be so upset about something that never really was?

The Answer Might Surprise You!

Easily :(

[write-that]

Okay so here’s an example of how worrying is not helpful since I like to think that it’s gonna help me out for some reason

In my obsessive overthinking, the thought occurred to me that I might be moved to a different room at work since one of the people was leaving that particular room. I ruminated on that for a little bit and what that would be like and how I would be upset bc I am so attached to my group

Then, the next week, it happened. In the moment of receiving the news, I wasn’t able to process that it was happening and after a few hours it set in and I got really upset and stayed upset the whole rest of the day. The feeling carried over into the next few days and I didn’t handle the situation well at all. I expressed to people that I was upset and took a few days to process. In the end I didn’t handle the situation very well and couldn’t escape my negative emotions.

Even though I had thought about the situation beforehand, I handled it poorly. The worry and the fact that I had a “What if?” thought were not useful in the situation

[write-that]

I have so much work anxiety and literally no outlet nor strategies I’m willing to implement to deal with it

Thanks

[write-that]

Yo I’m such a stupid asshole

A guy was being nice to be at a bar I was at and told my friends he liked me, so I of course was really mean to him and then told him to not like me

And then I got annoyed when he danced with other people and didn’t put up with my rude ass lmfao

Like why do I do this? If I'm gonna get annoyed at the guy for not giving me attention, I should at least act receptive to him giving me attention?? Like??

[write-that]

Bitch Why Are You Like This

Jk I know why ur like this

Doesn’t make things easier though

[write-that]

Qué bueno que todo pasó como ha pasado.

Dios, yo le doy las gracias por tantas bendiciones tan lindas.

[write-that]

Y’all...I know all the holidays are commercialized and representative of the capitalist system we live under...but I love the changing of the seasons so much...I love each season and holiday as it comes and then I appreciate the next one when it goes...I LOVE THE SEASONS AND CHANGE

That’s all

[write-that]

Idk I just came here to comment on the fact that I’m always influenced by others and as a kid it was the main characters of books I was into and that was it

Thanks

[write-that]

Everyday is literally just me waiting until it’s time to go to sleep again lol

Honestly how do people want to do things? Like living at home puts me in a great way as far as my sleep schedule goes and not drinking or smoking etc but like. What kind of life is this. I literally just go to work come home watch tv go to sleep. I have no direction, goals, or aspirations

What’s worse is my lack of desire to do things. I think of inviting a friend to hang out and my mind goes ehhhhhhh. Nah. For what reason would I do that? I wouldn’t enjoy it. They wouldn’t enjoy it. Lose-lose

:/

[write-that]

Break-up stuff

I broke up with my boyfriend and I feel sad. I told my mom and she was sad. She said how she could’ve seen us getting married and having kids, how this all seemed so out of the blue. I feel like I’ve disappointed her

I feel like I’ve disappointed a lot of people by breaking up with him. And now I have to tell everyone. Honestly, now what am I gonna do with my life? Probably nothing, I just won’t be able to blame it on being in a relationship

I tried to break up with him last summer and things were never the same after that. I had told him during that time that I didn’t know if I really liked him as a person, and that definitely stuck with him. He was constantly looking for things that proved it or went along with that idea

We had so many issues though too. He was controlling, got annoyed if I so much as talked to another guy, never liked me hanging out with my friends. And eventually we never wanted to hang out with anyone because he didn’t like any of my friends for whatever reason and wasn’t friendly towards them. And not to mention what actually pushed me to break up with him, which was him trying to hook-up with a mutual friend of ours and pretty much harassing her about it

I just feel really alone though...wish someone would tell me what to do with my life...

[write-that]

So life after college just sucks huh. Is that it?

Maybe it’s from living at home...but I lived VERY far from home when I was in Chile and I definitely wasn’t super happy...but maybe too far? I always go back to that and try to put my finger on WHY I wasn’t happy. I definitely was vulnerable with no one and didn’t feel very close or comfortable with anyone there, especially the second semester. So that’s probably a big part. Working in schools also just seems to make me more of a closed off person, like I have to put on this show for everyone. 

Why did it feel like no one wanted to be my friend? Why was I literally zero fun? I always look back and get re-offended that the different groups that broke off didn’t take too much of an interest in including me. 

I feel like sometimes I partially blame my unhappiness on my boyfriend. I always feel like when we go out somewhere I should be focusing on him, which drains me and makes me less fun. But of course it’s not his fault, I am responsible for my own happiness. 

I really blame things in the past a lot, and just over-romanticize some. I should focus on the here and now.

Maybe all this self-inflicted drama is a way of distracting myself...

[write-that]

Honestly I just feel so trapped in my life rn? Is this how lots of people feel? Trapped in your career, trapped in where you live. When I was in high school I dreamed of the day I wouldn’t be living at home (dreamed is an understatement). But now here I am back at home. Again yearning to get out. Honestly my parents have good intentions but they can be judgmental people and I always feel like they're too preoccupied with what I’m doing or even what the other is doing. And it feels suffocating. And like I can’t live my life. I’m aware that I sound like a 16 year old ok.

When I was in college I could at least go outside and smoke a cigarette without having to hide it. Now I have to hide it. 

Part of me also just wants to live somewhere else...but then I’d probably repeat the experience of when I was in Chile. Closed off, guarded. And it’s not like I have the money for it anyway so??

My life just seriously lacks some human connection. And I try to fill it up with social media but obvs that does nothing.

I also just feel so ashamed of stuff? And I hate hiding the things I’m hiding so I just avoid talking with people in general lol

[write-that]

Memories fading is sooo scary man. When I graduated college, leaving the place I had spent the last four years was painful. I loved all of my friends and connections I had made. I romanticized it all so much.

But now it hurts trying to remember and grasping at things that aren’t even in my memory anymore. That aren’t anywhere anymore. That aren’t anymore.

Part of me feels like I have become a worse person since leaving school. That my friends no longer admire me. That I am less worthy of love and respect.

[write-that]

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