let’s get on with living (while we can) [4]
chapter 4: pools of sorrow, waves of joy
warnings: cancer, angst, sad, side effects from chemo (basically same as previous chapters)
summary: bucky, sam and natasha get an explanation from pepper. peter feels a little bit better.
chapter 1 - chapter 2 - chapter 3 - chapter 4 - chapter 5 - chapter 6
series masterlist | masterlist
A knock to his bedroom door startled Bucky a bit. Natasha never knocked; it was her bedroom as well. And Sam normally just yelled Bucky’s name, used to getting a reaction from that. Sam’s bedroom was on the same floor, but quite far from theirs for some privacy, and they all shared a large living room and kitchen, courtesy of Tony Stark.
Putting down his book, he walked over to the door, opening it. “Pepper? What’s going on?” he asked, his tone confused.
“I, uh… It’s best if you just go to the living room, and I’ll get the others.”
It wasn’t often he had heard that woman sound so uncertain, so he did as she told him. He shrugged as Sam walked in and sat next to him on the couch. Lastly came Natasha, looking like she came straight from the gym, Pepper right next to her. “Sit,” Pepper prompted her, standing in front of the three of them for a few seconds before sitting down in a chair facing them. She tried to keep her professional composure, but the three Avengers saw right through it.
Pepper swept her eyes over them once and took a breath; almost speaking, but stopping herself. How to word it? She exhaled heavily and took another breath.
“What about Peter?” Natasha asked warily, her pulse quickening at the mention of his name in combination with how upset Pepper seemed to be. When she didn’t answer, Sam leaned forward. “Pepper. What’s going on?” he asked. Bucky sat quietly, trying to keep his breathing calm.
A thousand thoughts flew through each of their heads.
“He has… Oh god. He has stage four lung cancer with spreading to his liver and his,” a sharp intake of air, “brain.” The last word was barely audible.
They were all silent for several seconds. “What? Wait- what?” Natasha asked, hoping she’d heard her wrong. The stone cold spy who always hid her true emotions didn’t have a chance at stopping the tears that gathered in her eyes. Clenched fists. Nails digging into her palms. Bucky unconsciously pried her fingers open, letting her squeeze his hand instead.
“You’re kidding, right?” Bucky breathed out. He got no response. “Pepper, please, be kidding.” He was terrified. Please be a joke. The worst joke in the entire universe, but he didn’t care as long as it wasn’t true. His eyes were wide, trying to process her words.
Sam just looked at her in shock. Had that sentence actually come out of her mouth?
“I wish I was, Bucky,” she said, a sob escaping her mouth before she covered her face with her hands.
“What is- How long?” Sam asked, fully aware of the fact that that advanced lung cancer rarely ended well.
“One year. At most,” she whispered, not able to meet anyone’s eyes.
“No,” Natasha begged, “not him.” Her voice was thick with tears; she couldn’t hold them back anymore. She startled a little when Bucky let go of her hand and stood up abruptly. “I- I can’t,” he mumbled, walking quickly to their room. Once he had some privacy, he tugged at his hair, trying to wake himself up from this nightmare. He pinched himself, slapped himself and splashed cold water on his face but he couldn’t seem to fucking wake up.
Because it couldn’t be real, please. Not Peter. Ever since he met him, he’d had a soft spot for the boy, never able to resist those wide, brown puppy eyes. That little boy just couldn’t have cancer. He couldn’t stand the thought of him dying. And, oh god, Steve. He’s Steve’s kid. His best friend’s kid. Bucky knew him well enough to be certain that he wouldn’t handle this well. Knew how much he loved his son.
“Can I go see Steve now?”
“I’m sorry, but all I’m authorized to tell you is that he’s in the building.”
“Goddamnit, let me see Steve!” he roared, ignoring the tears on his cheek. He had to see Steve; had to be there for him, so he hurried back out into the living room.
“Pepper, I need to see Steve. Please.” He didn’t care that he sounded desperate. She nodded. “We can go now if you want?”
“Yes. Thank you,” he sighed.
“I’ll have FRIDAY make their part of the building available to you again. But… just Bucky right now. Peter’s pretty tired today,” Pepper explained, everyone accepting her answer with solemn nods and lowered eyes.
