The Literary Life of Abbey

it's LIT... do you get it? As a writer, my goal for this blog is to share my writing and that of others, analyze books and pop culture, and to observe the world through a more conscientious mindset.

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The Moral Implications of Endgame

***SPOILERS***

Endgame is an intriguing film to study because it really relies on the viewers not questioning the Avengers as the morally just side of the conflict. Further exploration into the film shows that perhaps we shouldn’t believe that.

Thanos was in no way right to make half the universe disappear, and honestly I think he was just a dick because I can think of at least five different ways off the top of my head that he could have achieved his goal of ensuring the universe’s survival, but that’s beside the point. Despite this, the conflict with Thanos brings some tough choices for the Avengers and it is hard to say if they made the right ones.

First, it is important to note that both sides of this fight believed that they were doing the right thing to save the universe. The fight essentially boils down to “keeping the status quo” vs. “doing the wrong thing for the right reasons”. As you look at the conflict from this perspective, the question becomes: is either side really the “good” side? For Thanos, he lost his homeworld to this struggle for resources, he grew up watching his world try and fail to fix the problem. His intentions were to save the universe from miserably dying out, even if his execution was less than good.

Now five years post-Thanos, the destabilizing effect of the snap could have very easily toppled governments, made the economy tank, and allowed dictatorships to rise out of the ashes of the ashes of these vital institutions. There is no way of knowing what kind of world the vanished are returning to and how their return will change the world once again. The status quo already changed too much for the Avengers to reasonably believe they could ever return to how it was before.

That issue with this arises when Tony makes his terms for his help clear; Morgan Stark had to stay. This completely makes sense, what father wouldn’t do anything in his power to protect his daughter? However, the team’s compliance with these terms is not quite as noble. The Russo brothers showed a couple of brief clips of the world post-snap. It was all dark and gloomy and empty, which makes total sense, but they failed to show what the world had really become. Or rather, as Carol Danvers pointed out, what every planet in the universe had become.

Turning away from a global view of the snap, the individual/emotional consequences introduce a more interesting moral debate. Anthony Russo himself cameoed briefly in the support group scene with Steve Rogers and exemplified how the snap had taken an emotional toll on everyone who survived. Tony’s insistence on bringing those they lost to the snap to the present rather than reversing what happened means that the people who suffered deeply and spent five years in agony, such a Clint Barton, or people who commited suicide as a result are left behind.

In Infinity War, Steve insists that they “don’t trade lives”, the very sentiment that gave Thanos the time to retrieve the Mind stone, and yet here he is trading the lives and well-beings of trillions for Morgan Stark.

With all this in mind, it brings into question whether the Avengers were unaware of these circumstances, willfully ignored them, or only considered the surface level results of their actions. And is any of these really the better option? While their intention of bringing those they lost back into existence was noble, perhaps we as the viewers need to as a basis to favor the “good guys” and demand more from our heroes as we do our villains.

[writingblockswriters]

Optimistic Nihilism

Life is meaningless, so what? As someone on the eldest end of Generation Z, I’ve noticed an acceptance of this fact with people around my own age. It is as though the generations twentieth century spent their lives making this realization and then subsequently trying to avoid this fact. But with the end of the twentieth century came the end of this avoidance, and the twenty-first century brought in a new outlook on life that spun this gloomy nihilism into something positive. 

For those of you who haven’t read Albert Camus’s The Stranger, nihilism is the belief that all values (moral or religious) have no basis and that nothing can be known or communicated. If you google the term, you’ll find it synonymous with extreme pessimism and radical skepticism. A legit nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose.

So you might be asking yourself; why would a generation of privilege welcome such a dark outlook on life? The internet, access to information, and being surrounded by content ninety-nine percent of the time can probably explain part of it. Maybe it was growing up doing not only earthquake and tornado drills but drills for active shooters as well. Or maybe it’s the societal pressure to be the perfect kid with the perfect looks and the perfect grades to eventually get yourself the perfect job. 

Who’s to say really.

Regardless of the reasoning, Gen Z has taken on the meaninglessness of life and, instead of brooding about it, we have embraced it. The universe is a nothing but chance and chaos, so why not do whatever the fuck you want? The world is cruel and takes far more than it gives, so why feed into that? Be better than that, be kind. 

Optimistic nihilism allows people the opportunity to define their own meaning to life instead of something else always defining it for them. It allows people to be open to their own happiness. 

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Here’s a sneak peak of my new short story “Paradise”: 

Walking out of Neptune’s Paradise, out of reach of that AC, and back into the Texas summer sun is such a relief after being stuck in there. I hurry to my car, perpetually paranoid about too much sun exposure. Once in the car, I just sit there with it off and let myself thaw. After a couple of minutes, I look over to the purse sitting in my passenger seat. I reach inside and feel the gun. The metal is still cold.

[writingblockswriters]

Do You Feel Like an Adult Yet?

So, here I am, sitting in this popular little coffee shop, not one mile away from my campus, trying to study and get myself as prepared as possible for finals. But even as I stare at this diagram of the brain, I find myself unable to focus on it. There are too many other things to think about. 

In two weeks time, I will have finished the fall semester and will have only one more semester to face. And in less than six months, I will be an actual college graduate. Just typing that out felt weird. I feel as though all the adults in my life- my parents and teachers- have been striving to get me to this point. None of them had any sense to give me some guidance on what to do after, but they did get me this far. 

Once again, I am facing the same precipice I was forced to face as a senior in high school. Choice. And boy oh boy, I have never done well with making a choice. The panic settles in, the anxiety runs through my head and replays all the worst case scenarios, and suddenly I find myself frozen in place. That’s part of the reason I came to A&M in the first place. I had had all these plans for myself growing up, and then it came down to make a choice and I went for the absolute safest option. 

With graduation quickly approaching, I’ve been really forced to stop and think about what I want and what my life is going to be like once I get that diploma. At least in high school, I knew that college was my path, even if I didn’t know which one I’d choose. This precipice is even bigger than the last and yet, I don’t feel the fear I once did. 

I’ve spent the last couple weeks imagining everything I could do once I’m really an adult. I’ve thought about jumping from small ice towns in Alaska to bigger cities like Seattle. I even considered just moving to Iceland and exploring their natural saunas. When I finally stopped thinking about graduate school or my next career move and focused on these things, I felt a genuine excitement for the future that I had never really felt as a young adult.

But adult still feels like a big word to me. I’ve been looking at my peers who have settled on their futures already and are working for stable careers and worry that my ideas are naive. Perhaps I should just give up on living the life I want. Maybe grad school is the smartest path for me. When these thoughts cross my mind, I’ll ask my peers “do you feel like an adult yet?”

I have never once gotten a “yes”. 

So, I say fuck it. If no one else knows what they’re doing, why should I?

[productivepandemonium-blog]

The Month I Didn’t Write

November is usually a ridiculously productive month for me as a writer. I participate in NaNoWriMo more often than not, and even in the years I’m not Nanoing though, I find myself writing more. The new chill in the air keeps me inside on my laptop, and the constant updates from friends writing their 50,000 words keep me motivated.

This year, things were different. The depression that I generally cope so well with started to take on new shapes, the exhausting apathy sneaking in through the cracks. By the first of November, I had stopped writing completely. 

It’s not like I filled up my days with anything else. Those thirty minute intervals I’ve carved out in my day are still there, and now they drag out into hours of staring at blank word documents.

The worst part? I have no idea how to talk about it.

This year I’ve concentrated so hard on “legitimizing” myself as a writer. I’ve involved myself in physical and online communities, I’ve made connections, I’ve started a ‘brand’. Admitting that I was too depressed to actually write doesn’t really seem to factor into that brand.

My apathy also started to get very specific. I’ve written multiple blog posts over the past month, including a few that I think are some of my best. I still tweet and retweet, even posting excerpts from my drafts and pictures of the marked up pages I was editing. I couldn’t write a single story though. Class deadlines passed me by without so much as an e-mail to the professor about my situation. I started dodging thesis meetings and craft workshops. 

My heart isn’t in it.

Where’d it go?

I’m still doing research, still going to readings and asking questions. Everything looks right. But I can’t write? The only thing that brings real purpose to my days; the thing I do to escape the rest of my life. And now, it has escaped me.

As writers, I think we face this more often than any of us care to admit. The myth of “writers block” helps keep us from thinking too much about it. We ignore the fact that we are, indeed, burning out. All the books, all the scholars, everything I know says that I should just sit down and write. “A paragraph a day will get you a novel”. 

What about when you just can’t, though? 

How do you find the tenderness to allow yourself to stop writing, collect yourself, and begin again on your own terms. How do you love writing, when you don’t feel like your heart can love anything.

I’m not sure yet, but I’m ready to begin trying.

I’m ready to talk.

Are you?

[writingblockswriters]

Observations: Clouds

I don’t notice clouds anymore. Perhaps I’ll notice their cotton candy-like features during a sunset, but, generally speaking, I don’t put much focus on clouds on a day to day basis. With that said, I do find it deeply unsettling when I cannot find a single cloud in the sky. I am not sure of why, but it feels wrong when they sky is devoid of any fluffy white clouds. 

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Observation: Cars

So I’m not a car person. I wish I was simply so that I could subvert these idiotic patriarchal ideas of what a woman should show interest in, but I’m just not into cars. I can identify when a car’s pretty or has cool features, but I am not about to spend my days obsessing over makes and models or horsepower. 

This particular day, however, I was given the choice between going to Cars and Coffee with two avid car-obsessors or go to the spa. While the prospect of having a nice relaxing day seemed appealing I don’t enjoy random people touching me. I suppose the prospect of coffee and donuts outweighed everything else.

And let me just tell you, that coffee was the bomb. Unfortunately, I felt lost amongst all these car enthusiasts. I generally enjoy being the smartest person in the room, but here, I found myself bringing every conversation back to the prettiness of the car.

I only found solace in this one particular car. And this was only because it reminded me so much of Urkel's car from Family Matters; the door was at the front of the car, the seats were essentially folding chairs, and it was so petite that I doubted I would be able to stretch my legs inside of it. But it was Urkel’s car, so how could I not love it.

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Observation: Grafitti

I think everyone who has been to a college town has seen something similar to this. One morning, I decided I was going to skip my most boring class and go get coffee instead. I ordered my almond milk latte and they handed me this clipboard to sign my receipt on. It was impossible not to notice all the writing. And it made me think of how much I see this in college towns or other runarounds of young people.

What is it about an empty space that makes people want to leave their mark? And what is it about other people leaving their mark that makes people want to leave theirs? 

Part of me thinks that it’s this time in our lives. It’s this time when we’re first on our own, when we’re trying to figure out how to live out our biggest dreams, and when we truly start to understand the complexity of life. I think we make our mark in this small in a trivial way because we finally starting to understand all of this and we need some outlet for our own desire to be remembered

Or maybe college students are fucking idiots.

[writingblockswriters]

Book Review: Damned

I truly don’t even know where to begin. I was certainly eager to read one of Chuck Palahniuk’s work, and I have to say, it was far better than I could’ve imagined. I can almost guarantee that there is no other book quite like this. Chuck takes the readers on an epic journey through hell and it’s like no hell I’ve seen illustrated through literature. The characters truly stand out and, despite the many reasons to laugh at their situations, I also found myself sympathizing with them.

In case you are unfamiliar with Damned, the protagonist is a thirteen-year-old girl, Madison, and the daughter of a narcissistic film star and a billionaire. After dying from, presumably, a marijuana overdose, Madison wakes up in Hell. She and a motley crew of other young sinners join together and travel through the depths of Hell. She confronts used diapers, WiFi blackout spots, historical figures all just to confront the Devil.

So yeah, if that doesn’t convince you of the epicness of the story, I suggest you pick up a copy and experience it for yourself.

[writingblockswriters]

As silly as it might seem the sway of the leaves, the cool summer breeze dancing across my skin, and the sweet sounds of birds calling to each other all made me feel like I was home again. A thousand miles might’ve stood between me and the dingy little yellow house, the birds’ songs always took me back home.

[writingblockswriters]

The Design of Shakespeare

One warm fall evening, I found myself in a park watching some decent enough actors revive the work of William Shakespeare. I won’t lie, I often get bored of watching Shakespearian plays. In my defense, I can hardly keep my attention focused on anything anymore. But just look at the set design on the stage. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but the crew was able to create the illusion of something very elegant and regal with only a few simple lines. This effect can partly be attributed to the landscape around it. 

They fool us into seeing something greater than what’s actually there.

[writingblockswriters]

Observations: Signs

I pass this billboard whenever I drive to or from Dallas. The same ad is on the opposite side of the billboard. If you can’t see, it says to be careful of which path you’re on; the one to heaven or the one to hell. I think it’s hilarious because  no matter which way you’re going on the freeway, you’re always on the side of Hell.

[writingblockswriters]

If I Fall, If I Die: A Review

After a brief hiatus, I thought there would be no better way to start back up than to review one of my absolute favorite books, If I Fall, If I die by Michael Christie. The novel takes a very interesting approach to the psychology of agoraphobia. The primary focus is on Will, a young boy who has never stepped foot outside his home because of his mother’s intense agoraphobia. However, once he does leave his home, it sparks a series of events that only continue to snowball out of control. 

This story never ceases to amaze me due to the sheer delicacy in which it is written. Christie writes in such a way that brings incredible details to life and ties the story every facet of the story back together beautifully. I was perfectly surprised by this story and I would sincerely recommend it.

[writingblockswriters]

Mackenzie McFadden Interview

Mackenzie is a senior at Texas A&M University with an English major and a minor in psychology.

What made you start writing?

I always liked telling stories and listening to stories when i was a kid, so i started writing short stories when i was about eight. I wrote my first novel for nanowrimo in 2012, and that’s what really hooked me, because i got to see what my writing looked like when it was in a really substantial form.

What motivates you to keep writing?

Every time i write, I find new ways to improve, and I get super excited when i see the improvement in the finished product.

What is your prefered genre to write?

Fantasy or sci-fi, because i love the worldbuilding aspect. I like the idea that you get to play God of your own little world, and whatever you decide is real can be.

What is your favorite story that you have written?

I wrote a semi-fictional short story last semester titled ‘Scotty’ that really helped me process some stuff going on in my life, which was the first time i’d experienced hiw healing the writing process can be.

How do you come up with a story?

I generally have an image in my mind of the introduction, somewhat like a movie trailer. I start by writing that out, then i see where the characters take me from there.

Who is your favorite author? What is your favorite book?

Not to be cliche, but i really love Gatsby. Fitzgerald has a really awesome, poetic prose that really sweeps you away into the narrative, which i love.

Fun fact about yourself?

I was homeschooled my entire life, until i got to college

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The Moon Is Down: A Review

Do not get me wrong, I absolutely loved The Grapes of Wrath, but after reading The Moon Is Down, I couldn’t comprehend why it wasn’t John Steinbeck’s most popular book. It takes place in a fictional, unnamed city that is invaded and occupied by an unnamed armed force, loosely based off of the Nazi occupation of Norway during WWII. It doesn’t surprise me that many countries have banned this book as it shows that a controlling, unjust power cannot rule over a body for people for long. It is one of the most beautifully written novels I have ever read and it’s so incredibly powerful. Steinbeck writes a horrific situation in a way that is easily accessible to everyone. It shows the true subtle nature of losing freedom.

(side note: you must read the introduction to fully comprehend the novel.)

[writingblockswriters]

The Vactioners: A Review

Before reading Emma Straub’s The Vactioners, I was met with a significant number of vastly different reviews. After reading it, I understood why. This tiresome tale of a middle class family on vacation in Spain, each member of the family having to face their own issues. While Straub’s writing style and the interactions between the characters and their environment were interesting, I found myself waiting for the story to start. I did not truly get invested in the story until the very end of the book. The only thing that maintained my interest was the prospect of discovering Jim and Franny Post’s secret, but even it is reveal was all right at best.

Overall, I would say that this book is predictable and not worth the read. That is, unless you like novels filled with fluff and where nothing really happens.

[writingblockswriters]

Victoria Strickland Interview

Victoria “Tori” Strickland is a junior Political Science major at Texas A&M University with a minor in English. She’s an absolute amazing writer that often doubts her own abilities.

In the fourth grade. Her teacher demanded the class write in cursive. With her handwriting being as bad as it was, she would write silly stories by hand in order to get better at cursive. To this day, she handwrites her stories in cursive before typing them up.

Her chosen genre is historical fiction, which perfectly blends her love of history and political science into her writing. One of her most recent works is about a young couple’s last day together before the man sets of for war during World War II.

While she loves to write historical fiction, her preferred genre to read is mystery. She enjoys most anything by John Grisham. Her favorite book in particular is Anything.