for some reason my brain wonât let go of this one, soâŚ.
Meanwhile another colony of ants invades your house, and evidently that last ant has gotten some of them to join her in a circle and taught them the ritual because youâre coming out of the bathroom one day and you hear the ants singing your name. Sure enough itâs that ant, but sheâs dark and fucked up now, and sheâs like, âkill the queen. I will rule this colonyâ and youâre like, sure, I guess I kinda owe her, and you do it. And she manages to become queen, and they worship you. Which is cool, youâre not, you know, very important in the human world, but to these ants youâre practically all-powerful. You canât be just, doing everything a bunch of ants tell you to, though, when would you watch netflx? So you tend to only show up for super important ants; you teach them some extra words and when hear them you go see whatâs up. Usually. Also just to your name, if youâre bored. And, sometimes some of the ants are like, tell us more human names, and youâre kind of jealous of the idea of some other human diluting your private godhood, so you refuse.
Your roommate Greg is like, yo, thatâs fucking awesome, I want ant worshipers! But whenever he approaches any, they run away, because it turns out that the illusion of control from the named summoning is what makes them feel safe around you. Thatâs great, because Greg is a dick who never does the dishes, and one day you decide to teach Greg a lesson.
So you show up at the colony, and youâre like, âyo, witch queen, did you think there would be no price for all these things? Your colony must do something for me, go to the Room of the Housemate, I will meet you there.â And you go sit on the couch and play Overwatch for a while. Youâre like, right there, you can clearly see the ants all marching along the wall to Gregâs room, but to them youâre not even there, youâre so far away they canât see you. It takes them, like, an ant week to make the journey. They have to figure out ways to get over and around things. Some of them drown, or get stepped on by the dog, or whatever. You win a game, you lose a game, you look over, and theyâre trying to get through some cobwebs⌠looks like theyâre mostly going to live, you keep playing, you look over, okay theyâre all in there, and you stand up and walk over and by the time theyâve chanted your name once, youâre there. âright, hold onâ and you look around and you see a twelve-pack of Gregâs precious fucking soda, that he keeps in his room and refuses to ever share, even though itâs a communal food household and you share your hot chocolate with him all the time. So you gather the ants unto you, and you poke a little hole in each of the sodas and you leave the room to the sound of the ants rejoicing. Greg will suspect of course, but heâll never be able to prove the ants didnât chew holes in the plastic and steal his stupid drinks.Â
But later, while youâre at work, Greg destroys most of the colony in a rage, and you come home to find the witch queen gasping her last âthe Dew of the Mountain, which you had us steal, was cursed - and so I lay my curse on youâ and then she dies.
Well first of all, you donât really believe in curses, but last month you didnât believe ants could know your name, so thatâs unsettling. And second of all, you feel kind of bad. You know, not SUPER bad, cause sheâs like, an ant. But still. And most importantly, third of all, Greg must pay.
But Greg has done more than kill a bunch of the colony. As you wait for eggs and pupae to replenish the ant population, you discover he has found some ants that didnât go on the Mountain Dew raid, and heâs spared them, told them his name, and made himself a good sized cult in YOUR fucking ant queendom.
Greg has started locking his door. So now you NEED the ants. Once again you direct the ants loyal to you to journey to Gregâs room. You meet them at the door. A locked door means nothing to the ants, they donât even know there is a door, and can barely perceive the difference between it being open and shut - either passing the threshold on the floor regardless, or being on its surface no matter the position. But you need them to get inside. Youâre going to put itching powder in his underwear drawer and leave a raw fish under his bed. So you instruct the leading party of ants how to go into the Cave of Keyhole, and position the Magic Megaliths inside just right to enable the opening of the Great Door and allow you to pass into the Realm of Housemate.
Crouched by the door, you can hear when your ants are met by a party of Greg Cultists, who insist that if the Great Door is opened, the colony will be doomed. There is fighting. Your ants prevail, the lock tumblers are moved into place, and you swing the door openâŚ
To find Greg! In his room all along! Itâs a trap! His cultists attack you! I mean, they canât do much real harm, but it kind of hurts and itâs super annoying. You order your ants to attack him, and they do, but he storms over and pours bleach down the colony entrance.
Now you and Greg are at war, and you both understand the unspoken rules to your fight. You canât do things directly to each other, why, that would be assault. But anything you can get your ants to do is fine, because âshe told the ants to do it to meâ isnât going to get very far with any authority figures that get involved.Â
Later, nursing your anger, you confer with your few remaining ants and stare moodily at your new prize, the ant farm that came in the mail. Bullet ants donât usually get along with sugar ants, but youâre betting they will if a god tells them to. Meanwhile, youâve got a laptop schematic to go over with your high priestess. Itâs finals week, and if you time it right, heâll lose everythingâŚ
