Hi people, It's been foreeeeeeeeever since I last posted, definitely ages since I last posted 'properly'. Quite a bit had changed but probably not that much, ha! I am self-employed full time now and getting ready for my wedding in October, we have a beautiful duck in the shape of a cat who potters about the flat with me, I'm terribly well looked after, buuuut I've also struggled with depression and anxiety almost for just over a year now, and my motivation is so weak, and it's a bit of a weird time. As self-employed, I've mainly been making a living through busking on the underground, but working for myself can be an arse a lot of the time because of the fact that it can be pretty mercurial financially though usually quite consistent, I have that whole blame self if it's not so great thing (there's no one else to blame after all), and the anxiety attacks came about (and the funk deepened) because if I'm not in a pattern when I'm busking I find it really hard to get back into one, and because of illness happening every goddamn month for the first third of last year my patterns kept getting massively interrupted which made it more and more difficult mentally to get back to it, which is so silly considering that most of the time it's something I love doing. My tech has also been fritzing almost constantly over the last year which has made everything all the more frustrating, but I'm at a point now where I need to pull my socks up, essentially. I think I only busked once in December, maybe twice in November. I haven't so far this year, though luckily I got royalties through in mid December which have tided me over. I know I'll be back to it next week as I finally got some really good pitches but I'm just hoping I can get myself up to do it, and that I don't get ill after, and that my tech doesn't suck the life out of me, particularly considering that lugging it all around is the most physically demanding part of the job. I'm pretty much hating almost all of the last year. There were some awesome, amazing things last year, but the above has pretty much bummed me out. I have dual forces in my head at pretty much every stage, telling me 'you're lazy. You should be doing things' vs 'you're building yourself up again, laying your foundations and that's fine'; 'give yourself a break' vs 'you've done that way too much.' Meanwhile everyone around me is rushing, struggling, working and I feel like I'm achieving nothing, doing nothing, and like they know it too and are blaming me and judging me. I feel so ashamed that I can't seem to do the simplest of things. I want to be kind to myself but without letting myself off the hook completely. I need to be accountable for myself without harming myself. I can't help but feel like I'm failing because I aspire to be capable of so much more than this but mostly feel like it's an achievement just to shower every day. I hate to have my fiancé come home after doing a full day's work to see me in my pyjamas curled up on the sofa, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because they're actually doing things and have legitimate problems that come of making a life for themselves. I want to feel like doing things like yoga and bullet journaling are helping to build that support and motivational base, but I fear that actually they're just distractions, making me feel like I'm doing something when really I'm just wasting my time, my money, my life. I know I have so much in me, so many ideas and aspirations, but I worry that I have no follow through because I'm not great at self imposed deadlines. I want to source funding for some projects but I don't know where to start with applications. Errrrrm so yeah. This post is good because it's clearly a lot of things I've been holding in, ha. Meep
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