When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the āclassicā symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.
But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPDāmyself includedāmeet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these āacting out behaviors.ā
So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?
You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).
And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as wellāeven if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.
How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, weāre kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didnāt text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.
But the difference lies in how we express it.
With āclassicā BPD you may tell the other person what youāre feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what youāre thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.
I almost never tell my friends whatās going through my mind unless they ask. Iām too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, youāll never hear from me again. Iāll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that youāre better off not dealing with my burdensome selfā¦ even if thereās no evidence to suggest this. Even if weāve literally been best friends for years.
You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I donāt express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but itās sure as hell distressing for me. Iāve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a resultāand the vast majority of my friends had no idea.
Iām obsessed over this idea that Iām a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.
I loathe myself so much I feel I donāt have the right to be angry for myself.
Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.
But if you insult me? Iāll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).
People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel youāre going to abandon them or that you donāt care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these āsignsā that everyone in my life hates meāthe same signs recognized by people with āclassicā BPDāby deciding that if Iām going to be abandoned, well, itās because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, itās because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, Iāll be angry with myself.
This translates into āacting inā behaviors that arenāt as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and donāt tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, Iāll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, Iāll even deny myself food because whatās the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I donāt deserve it?
Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we donāt fit the āclassicā model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesnāt address whatās actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So letās raise awareness, shall we?
kianamaiart
jimmyeatworldofficial
titsay
