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@xbeautyindeathx
Blocked on social media this morning. So I'm going through the motions again..... cause it was just sex. And him looking me in my eyes and telling me he loves me, was just a lie....how can guys do that shit? How fucked up do you have to be in the head, to look into a woman's eyes, with intentions to only use her for sex, and tell her you love her, with a fucking smile on your face? What is wrong with people??
The guy I mentioned before got out of jail and texted me and came over and everything was amazing but I’m overthinking cause he’s active on social media but hasn’t texted me back. And I’ve laid here and cried because what if he just wants sex just like everyone else. What if he thinks he’s fucking an onlyfans girl and having the time of his life while I’ve gotten attached. Cause that’s the type of shit that always happens to me yk….people don’t want me they want the idea of me. Or my body. And that’s it.
I wanna know everything about him, I wanna know him and his thoughts and what he’s afraid of and what keeps him up at night, what makes him smile and what makes him cry. I want his touch and his warm smile that reaches his eyes, I want every laugh and giggle. I want every “I miss you” and “I love you” and “I crave you”…….
me as a writer
Going for a more positive post here, and hoping I don't regret it.
There's someone I met a month ago now, that we had talked before and he basically ghosted me, but we talked again and he came over, two nights in a row and I thought he ghosted me again but he got arrested and called me from jail. And he's been calling me from jail, and we've been talking. And he went from calling me baby to telling me he loves me, to calling me princess today.
I'm just so confused cause when we texted before he got locked up, he said he wasn't ready for dating or a relationship, but now he's in jail and calling me these pet names and telling me he loves me. Does he really want me tho? Or is he just saying all this cause he's in jail ):
We don't get to stay otp long enough for me to ask him, and I didn't get to go visit him today so, idk I guess I just have to wait until he gets out in a couple weeks and see if he comes over like he's saying he wants to, so maybe we can talk about things.
I'm just praying he wants to be with me instead of settling for a situationship. Cause I don't want to do one of those again. But I want him so bad....
ugh it's so hard not to get wrapped up in how what he's saying and doing is making me feel. I want to be happy, and he makes me happy. Like I'm good single too but, he's just so precious and sweet and he does everything I want and need, like he wants to take care of me and he's so affectionate.
ugh wtf do I do
He didn’t want me. He wanted to make his baby mama happy.
“I’ve learned to live beside it”
I thought he wanted to spend time with me, I thought it was gonna be us for the weekend with talks of a relationship.
But he wants to be poly with his baby mama that just had a baby less than a month ago……..
Why am I not enough?
Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
“The only one tryna hang out is the ceiling, you feel me?”
I learned today that my family isn’t really my family. Maybe they love me but that’s not enough yk. I’m always excluded, they get together and go out to eat and go shopping and gift each other things and I’m never included. Even excluded from the “very intimate close family” wedding my youngest brother’s having because I don’t have anything appropriate to wear and it’s too much to come pick me up and take me home.
And throughout all the crying and hurt feelings I had no one to just listen to me. I broke down and was trying to find a way to let everything out and I remembered tumblr. So I made a new account and I’ll just vent here. No more trying to make friends that will listen and support me and just be there for me. Just this app and my thoughts, whatever’s heavy on my heart.
I can’t stop thinking about Ro and how badly I wanna see him. Everything is just bad timing, of course he’d get locked up right after we first meet. But I still can’t shake this feeling that going to visit him was too much cause he hasn’t called again. All I can do is overthink. Part of me wants to write him off like every other guy but part of me senses something and I guess I’m dumb enough to want to see what my intuition is telling me about him. Cause I really like him. But my mind keeps telling me this could just be me doing what I always do all over again and just setting myself up to get hurt again.
And Fidel’s over here wanting to talk to me about something but he wants to do it in person, and he can’t for another 2 weeks so that’s got me anxious as fuck. He said it’s nothing bad but this not knowing shit always bothers me so bad. He told me he has feelings for me but now’s not the right time. Why is everything so fucking frustrating?
Anyways I’ve had this song on repeat for a few hours, it makes me sad but it’s oddly calming at the same time. I wanna go to sleep but I’m wide awake and I wanna smoke but I only have enough left for one more and idk where I’m gonna get the money for more…..I just need one thing to go right for me right now like PLEASE…
I can’t even kïll myself because I have kids that need me
