My mental health is always something i’ve found quite difficult to come to terms with and only recently i’ve been more open about it and willing to speak up to try and get the help I needed.
I’ve always been quite anxious and shy, even as a child. I suffered from severe separation anxiety. I absolutely hated being separated from my mum.
Around the age of 6 my dad got diagnosed with epilepsy. A few months after this he became depressed and turned to alcohol which eventually turned into a severe case of alcoholism. This made my anxieties worse, I hated being around him on my own.
Around early 2009 his alcohol issues got progressively worse and in August 2009 he passed away. I felt so much guilt because I found it so difficult to be around him. This guilt has never left.
Around the same time I had my first experience with depression, I had absolutely no idea what was going on and why i felt the way I did. I suppressed every single emotion I was feeling and carried on as normal.
In hindsight, I think handled everything too well for an 8 year old.
Everything seemed fine up until 2014. All of these emotions that I had been suppressing were starting to resurface.
I spent the majority of the summer locked in my room isolating myself from everyone. I had no idea why I felt like this and thought it was something every teenager would go through. Once again I decided to suppress all of these emotions for the next year.
In May of 2015 I finally reached out to my mum about the way I was feeling and we started to get me the help I needed. I spoke to a doctor who referred me to child and adolescent mental health service (also known as camhs). I had my initial assessment and then nothing really came of it until around 2016.
In March 2016 I had my first meeting with my therapist who I was to do around 20 sessions of CBT with. I dreaded going to these sessions, I didn’t get on with my therapist and there was so much I wasn’t ready to share with anybody else.
This caused severe anxiety to the point where I had the panic attacks about going. A few months passed and my mind became an incredibly dark place, I was suicidal and self harming.
It helped for a while just to make me feel anything other than numb. My scars are something that I still struggle to deal with and find embarrassing. However after that stopped being effective I developed a condition called Trichotillomania. This is still something that I still struggle to deal with and find incredibly embarrassing.
Around the same time my therapist decided it would be better to stop seeing me. I felt hopeless, like nothing was ever going to get better. This left only my mum to deal with my mental health issues. She has been my rock throughout this entire time and I’m beyond thankful for her.
April 2017, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist who decided it would be best to medicate me for my anxiety and depression. However, the only flaw with this plan was that I was just starting my GCSEs. I found it incredibly difficult to go into school for a month due to the side effects. However, I pushed through all this and managed to sit all of my exams despite how horrendous I was feeling.
The medication I was on wasn’t working and in September 2017 I once again had another suicidal episode. Unfortunately this one was more severe which lead to me dropping out of my first year of A-Levels.
I was so ashamed of myself for letting everyone down and fell into a huge pit of anxiety and depression. Once again I started self harm. Strangely enough I found comfort in this small piece of metal, It made me feel something that wasn’t shame or anxiety. It gave me a few seconds of relief.
After a few months I went back to my psychiatrist and got my medication changed to the one that i’m currently on Citalopram. I also had my second load of CBT sessions which I found incredibly helpful. I finally felt like I was moving forward.
In April of this year I was discharged from children’s services and was fortunately deemed well enough to not have to move over to adult services.
I still struggle with my demons occasionally and find some days tougher than others. However, I’ve progressed so much over the past few years and couldn’t be prouder of myself for taking steps to better myself.
If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma
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