[iamenoughproject-blog]

I AM ENOUGH PROJECT - SARAH

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04:30 am July 4 2005.

That’s when the demons came into my life. The ones that like to suck the life out of you until there’s nothing left. I was on holiday at the time. Still had a week to go when something happened to change my life forever. That was the last time I was the old me. All the strength I ever had I used up that night. I needed it with all the questioning and tests and stuff going on.

When I got back I was a shell of myself. Still had more tests and stuff to go through but it wasn’t me going to all these things. It was like I was watching myself go through it all. I admitted I needed help quite early on as I just couldn’t cope on my own. I’d never known this feeling being so low before. I was signed off work for 6 weeks, put on anti depressants among other things and started counselling.

It helped a lot. I was able to work through the darkness to make it more of a grey but it still wasn’t me. I went back to work and just wasn’t there. People told me to cheer up as I’d had an extended holiday. I couldn’t tell them what had happened or how I felt.

I was inside myself looking out, almost screaming to be heard by someone. My manager called me in the office and told me I wasn’t performing properly even after being signed off. I had to explain everything which hurt coz he was such a smug git. He laughed at me. Next thing I knew was I was being made redundant. Yay kick me while I’m down why not! But I didn’t feel anything. There was nothing of me to feel with.

One day a family friend was around and she looked at me and said “ you’ve lost your sparkle” I burst into tears as I thought I’d been hiding it all so well. This really hit home.

I decided to change things and not let what had happened rule my life. I went to college and learnt to become a counsellor. I wanted to give something back. Even though it didn’t look it my counsellor has helped me a lot. I passed and was so happy. I was even off the meds.

Things looked like they were getting back to normal but I still didn’t feel like me. I went through various jobs but did things that would make me end up walking out. Yes, I admit that wasn’t the greatest of ideas but taking things without others knowing made me feel like I was in control of my life again. Walking out of jobs made me feel like I was in control.

I finally went back to a role I hadn’t done in years. Back to working with children. I think that was the best therapy I ever had. I felt whole because kids needed me. I was their life. They idolised me. It’s what I needed.Then I got moved into another room with different co workers. They were younger than me and I found it so hard. They would talk about me just loudly enough to hear. They’d leave me by myself for ages and not help with difficult situations. I ended up wishing I wasn’t here anymore.

I was thinking of ways to end everything and disappear. I went back to the doctors after breaking down at work and ended up back on anti depressants, which I’m still on today.

I left that job 4 years ago for a job less pressured, less bitchiness, and being my own boss for a lot less money. I’ve made amazing friends from following bands which I would never have done before.

I still have bad days, sometimes those dark clouds surround me and almost smother me. I still have very little self confidence and what people see is still a front.

The real me is still hiding inside but she’s waiting to re surface. I know with each crap day I go through that I get stronger and can face almost anything. Even when I feel like I’m being put down by loved ones. I know because……

I AM ENOUGH

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If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma

[iamenoughproject-blog]

I AM ENOUGH PROJECT // Emma

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I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, I have done for around ten years or so now. My anxiety is the most recent of the two, only really affecting my life from age 16.

When I was at a friends house party, at the age of 16, I was raped. I was heavily drunk, when a male my age that was a mutual friend sexually abused me. I could do nothing to protect myself.

During this time I was in a committed relationship. After the attack, I didn’t care that I’d been abused, I simply felt guilt. Like it was my fault. That I was an awful person and had betrayed my partner.

This changed the whole dynamic of our relationship, and eventually we broke up. I’ve been to all different kinds of therapy, CBT, standard, and hypnosis.

I’m a smart girl, I left college with four A levels, and went on to gain a foundation degree in photography at uni. I used my photography as a way of sending a message to people about different social injustices.

The third year of university it all changed. I tried so hard to keep focused but for weeks I missed classes, phoning claiming sickness everyday, having severe anxiety attacks where I would harm myself just to take my mind off what was really happening.

It was the darkest point in my life, and I decided to quit. I’ve never quit anything. I felt a huge amount of shame. The following year, I spent at home every single day, unemployed, no uni course, and no drive. I just woke up, cried all day, and went back to sleep. I felt like I was a huge burden on my family, financially and emotionally. I couldn’t ever escape it.

I attempted suicide four different times, hoping that it would release my family from the burden that was me. Eventually, hypnotherapy started to work. It helped me to see things in a different light, and gave me the strength to believe that I was enough, and even if I couldn’t do certain things, it didn’t mean that I was a waste of a person.

I’ve  always been a fighter, and my mental health wasn’t going to change that.

I started researching into things that made me happy and I came across an apprenticeship at a local dog daycare. I applied and it changed my world.

I have now been there for a year. As a youth I dreaded ever getting a job, always paralysing me with fear. Now, at the age of 22 I finally have a purpose. I’m now in a job that I love, I’m financially stable and I am with somebody new that makes my heart burst.

Most importantly though, I realise now, that I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH

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If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma

[iamenoughproject-blog]

Name // Abby

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My mental health is always something i’ve found quite difficult to come to terms with and only recently i’ve been more open about it and willing to speak up to try and get the help I needed.

I’ve always been quite anxious and shy, even as a child. I suffered from severe separation anxiety. I absolutely hated being separated from my mum.

Around the age of 6 my dad got diagnosed with epilepsy. A few months after this he became depressed and turned to alcohol which eventually turned into a severe case of alcoholism. This made my anxieties worse, I hated being around him on my own.

Around early 2009 his alcohol issues got progressively worse and in August 2009 he passed away. I felt so much guilt because I found it so difficult to be around him. This guilt has never left.

Around the same time I had my first experience with depression, I had absolutely no idea what was going on and why i felt the way I did. I suppressed every single emotion I was feeling and carried on as normal.  

In hindsight, I think handled everything too well for an 8 year old.

Everything seemed fine up until 2014. All of these emotions that I had been suppressing were starting to resurface.

I spent the majority of the summer locked in my room isolating myself from everyone. I had no idea why I felt like this and thought it was something every teenager would go through. Once again I decided to suppress all of these emotions for the next year.

In May of 2015 I finally reached out to my mum about the way I was feeling and we started to get me the help I needed. I spoke to a doctor who referred me to child and adolescent mental health service (also known as camhs). I had my initial assessment and then nothing really came of it until around 2016.

In March 2016 I had my first meeting with my therapist who I was to do around 20 sessions of CBT with. I dreaded going to these sessions, I didn’t get on with my therapist and there was so much I wasn’t ready to share with anybody else.

This caused severe anxiety to the point where I had the panic attacks about going. A few months passed and my mind became an incredibly dark place, I was suicidal and self harming.

It helped for a while just to make me feel anything other than numb. My scars are something that I still struggle to deal with and find embarrassing. However after that stopped being effective I developed a condition called Trichotillomania. This is still something that I still struggle to deal with and find incredibly embarrassing.

Around the same time my therapist decided it would be better to stop seeing me. I felt hopeless, like nothing was ever going to get better. This left only my mum to deal with my mental health issues. She has been my rock throughout this entire time and I’m beyond thankful for her.

April 2017, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist who decided it would be best to medicate me for my anxiety and depression. However, the only flaw with this plan was that I was just starting my GCSEs. I found it incredibly difficult to go into school for a month due to the side effects. However, I pushed through all this and managed to sit all of my exams despite how horrendous I was feeling.

The medication I was on wasn’t working and in September 2017 I once again had another suicidal episode. Unfortunately this one was more severe which lead to me dropping out of my first year of A-Levels.

I was so ashamed of myself for letting everyone down and fell into a huge pit of anxiety and depression. Once again I started self harm. Strangely enough I found comfort in this small piece of metal, It made me feel something that wasn’t shame or anxiety. It gave me a few seconds of relief.

After a few months I went back to my psychiatrist and got my medication changed to the one that i’m currently on Citalopram. I also had my second load of CBT sessions which I found incredibly helpful. I finally felt like I was moving forward.

In April of this year I was discharged from children’s services and was fortunately deemed well enough to not have to move over to adult services.

I still struggle with my demons occasionally and find some days tougher than others. However, I’ve progressed so much over the past few years and couldn’t be prouder of myself for taking steps to better myself.

I AM ENOUGH

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If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma

[iamenoughproject-blog]

Name // Lilly 

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One year ago I decided to talk with my Instagram community about my personal mental health to share my story & raise awareness to end the stigma.3 ½ years ago I got into therapy as I realised that I finally needed help.

 In autumn 2016 I struggled so hard against my illnesses despite good therapy, to the point where I had to pause my studies and decided to get treated in a psychosomatic clinic. 

It came to this point because my social phobia got so bad that I could barely get out of the house.I studied at night so I didn’t have to meet a lot of people, even a quick walk to do grocery shopping became hell to me. I was constantly nervous and felt uncomfortable wherever I was. 

My depression also got worse at the time. I felt lonely and unhappy all the time, I had cried for hours every single day and I couldn’t find any hope or positivity. When I decided to leave university it was finally clear to me how bad I actually felt. 

In March 2017 I went to the clinic where I stayed for 13 weeks. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I got treated through multiple therapies, the whole team was wonderful and caring. I met amazing people who are still so important in my life. 

I left the clinic with optimism, strength, a new life plan and hope. One year after I left the clinic I’ve been through so many up’s & down’s. I started to self harm and struggled a lot with my body. Since then I have been diagnosed again with a combined personality disorder. 

But now I talk about my mental health openly. I just started my new job training and my social phobia gets better every day. 

After everything I’ve been through I can say now: I am not healthy and I live with my illnesses every day BUT I am fighting & I want to fight! 

Everyday I understand myself more and I can finally accept my mental health the way it is. I am not ashamed and no one  should be!

I AM ENOUGH

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If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma

[iamenoughproject-blog]

Name  //  Kit

Age  //  26

Suicidal thoughts // self harm // feeling alone // my problems weren’t as big as other // medication

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I spent a lot of my teenage years looking at others problems and thinking, Why am I feeling down? They have so much more going on than me I don’t have the right to feel like I do.

Self harm became too familiar. I needed a release of these intense feelings. It was a vicious cycle because at the time it helps but hours later it felt worse.  

I used to want to hide my scars from the world, but now….. I don’t care. I don’t like them but I don’t dislike them. I can see them and see how far I have grown from that part in my life. It was an escape at the time.

I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was struggling, I just wanted to push it down so I wouldn’t have to face it. Suppressing everything eventually came to a head. I spent a few days in hospitals, but it felt like I had released everything.

Everything seemed fine for like 3 years until it all started coming back. The same cycles. It was only at the start of this year, I looked deep inside myself with the help of others and thought. This isn’t right, I need to sort this out.

That first step to reach out was the hardest, but one I am so glad I took.

I am still learning everyday. Not everyday is perfect but thats ok and 9 months in being on sertraline I feels I am finally accepting i am or was depressed. It has helped me to grow and realise my mental health is just as important as my physical health. It’s not just your body you need to take care of, it’s your mind too.

Standing up and posting this was one of the scariest obstacles I have over come in the past few month.

What will people think? Will they think Im crazy?

No, it will give someone else the confidence to speak out. It will let someone else know its ok to feel the way you do. That you’re not alone and other people have and do feel the same. Something I wish I could have seen when I was in my darkest points.

If putting myself in a difficult place helps others to speak out I’m happy to take that step.

I AM ENOUGH

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If you would like to take part in this new project I am starting please see the project page on my stores website on how to do so // Mental health is just as important at our physical health. #EndTheStigma