Eli’s mind had been so full of doubt and uncertainty lately. Last night’s fight with Clare had really thrown him for one. He knew it was just a matter of time before she snapped at him but it still did not prepapre him for her words. He sighed now as he headed home. He had spent a full twenty four…
Clare had been in the same position for hours, only moving to feed Ringo, to let him out and the walk she took earlier. The fight from last night replayed over and over in her head. She didn’t mean to be so…mean or rude, but he asked her what was on her mind. Asked her exactly what she felt. And when he continued to tell her that he couldn’t stop, it was like a knife twisting in a wound. She knew he could, she knew it would take time, but that he could stop. Her mouth couldn’t find the words to say, not the right ones and instead she exploded on him.
That was it, she exploded and he left. He didn’t let her know where he had ran off too, and all she did was sit on the couch and cry. The whole night was spent with Ringo’s head on her knee and her tears free falling from her eyes and down her cheeks. Her curls were now a mess, and she knew her blue orbs were still bloodshot. Her temples were pounding from the intensity of the crying she had done. Even on her walk, she had cried. But now she was inside, on the couch, her head pounding, the television on but the sound down, almost on mute and Eli was due in at any moment.
A soft sigh left her as she ran her hand through her curls, hearing the door open, though it was almost inaudible. Eli’s body appeared before her as she let her head turn in his direction. “I’m so sorry, You need to believe me when I say that, it’s the honest truth.” His words ate at her ears, and she nodded. Her mouth was dry but she just looked up at him. “Don’t be sorry…”
Eli took her in. He could see that she was just a big of a wreck as he was. The sight honestly killed him. He knew he had done this to her and he felt completely disgusted with himself. Her eyes were red, her hair was disheveled. It was unlike her to look this way. He frowned at it all. “Don’t be sorry,” she said trailing off. Eli shook his head. “No. I should be sorry. Look at what I’m doing to you…to us. This isn’t right, I’m not right.” He could feel tears forming in his eyes but he stopped them immediately. He refused to shed any tears right now. He needed to be in control of his emotions. even if they were completely out of whack right now.
He got up from the couch and started pacing. It seemed to be his latest trend anytime he had a lot on his mind. He couldn’t stay still and his thoughts continued to race faster than he had time to really process it. “Last night was so bad,” he ventured. “That’s a bit of an understatement. I spent the night in the back of a hearse wishing with everything in me that I was actually dead. The irony of being alive…it did not escape me. And then I kept replaying everything over in my head. I didn’t want to think about it but it kept on playing like a broken record.” Eli continued to pace but stopped short and buried his face in his hands feeling ashamed. “I never wanted this to happen.” he croaked. He moved his hands and looked at her. “I love you so much. I want to make you proud but I fall short everytime.”
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He started to pace a bit and walked back to her. Eli sat on the edge of the coffee table, a few inches away from her. He stared into her face. “I shouldn’t have left like that but I wanted to avoid a fight. Granted we had one but if I stayed it would have been worse and I refuse to yell at you. I could never bring myself to say the words aloud.” He made to reach for her hands but stopped short, unsure of what her reaction might have been. Eli could not take any rejection at this point. His hands fell limp on his lap. “I didn’t want it to happen like this and now I don’t even know where we stand.”
Clare swallowed hard as she looked at him. She was sure she looked just as bad off as him. Her blue orbs followed him as he stood and paced around. His words filled her, as she listened, took them all in. ‘I love you so much. I want to make you proud but I fall short everytime.’ With this her head shook, her curls bouncing slightly. “You don’t fall short, Elijah…” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
He sat before her, her eyes caught his hands move towards her, but fall quickly back to his lap. Her throat hurt, her head hurt, her whole body hurt. “I don’t know where to stand…” Her hands reached out for his, only grabbing his fingers. “I don’t want to give up on you. I don’t. I want to help, but Eli…You can’t push me away…you can’t. It hurts so bad when you do.” Her eyes watered as she spoke, but she fought back tears as she looked up at him. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I want to help you, fix this. But then I have so much going on in my head, I can’t even sleep without having such horrible, terrible dreams. And when I want to go to you, I’m scared. I don’t want to pile even more on top of you and have you turn to your razor…”
Eli took her in. She had looked so weak and fragile. The sight saddened him. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and shield her from the world, from the hurt and the pain. But Eli could not do that, not when he was the main source of all her worry. She wanted to help him and all Eli could do was shake his head in disagreement. He could not have her tackle his demons. This war he was fighting, it was not hers at all. He could never ask Clare to step in and save him from it all. If his demons were to be slayed, it had to be at his hand. He was ready to tell her all of this when he focused in on the words she was saying. “..I can’t even sleep without having such horrible, terrible dreams. And when I want to go to you, I’m scared. I don’t want to pile even more on top of you and have you turn to your razor…” This brought him up short.
He stared at her. “What nightmares? Clare what have you been dreaming? Why haven’t you told me?” He was growing worried, he couldn’t help but throw a million questions her way. “Don’t worry about me, okay? Please you have so much on your plate as is. I don’t want you thinking you have to take on my problems as well.” His head started to pound and he rubbed at his temples. “You have to tell me what’s going on in your mind,” he said in a strained voice. His headache was too much but he silenced it quickly knowing he had to focus all his energy on Clare and the current moment.
She shook her head, looking down at the floor. “Eli. I can’t help but worry about you. You mean the world to me, if you’re upset, I’m upset. I want to fix things. Make them better.” She sighed, looking up at him, silent tears fell down her cheeks. “I love you so much. Can’t you see? You worry about me…why can’t I worry about you?”
She moved her hand and pushed her hair out of her face. “They are just nightmares…I…I know that. I’m trying to ignore them. But sometimes I just wake up crying. But just nightmares, Eli. Don’t worry about them.” She took her hand from her curls, and wiped her cheeks.
Eli’s eyes searched her face, hoping for even the smallest hint or clue as to what was going on with her. She didn’t seem up to offering much and it troubled Eli to no end. He wanted to know exactly what plagued her mind. It may not have been easy to hear but knowing a half truth was worse than not knowing anything at all. He sighed and attempted to collect his thoughts. “Okay, I guess I can see why you worry but just know that I am actually okay. Some days are better than others but realy, how different is that from anyone else?” His eyebrows bunched together as he continued to look at her.
He couldn’t help but wonder what kept her up at nights. “They are just nightmares…I…I know that. I’m trying to ignore them. But sometimes I just wake up crying. But just nightmares, Eli. Don’t worry about them.” Her answer wasn’t good enough. Eli took her hands in his. “Clare, I need you to be honest with me. Please, I cannot take it. If you’re waking up crying, you have to let me know. What can I do to help you? What can I do to make things okay?” His heart raced as he waited for her response. “I love you,” he whispered, gliding his thumb along the back of her hand.
She looked down at their hands. Clare’s heart skipped a beat, just from his touch. It felt like it had been ages since they had touched. Her shoulders lifted and fell at an odd angle. “Just…I don’t even know. Don’t leave me.” She whispered, her blue hues still staring at their hands. His hands were cold, yet warm at the same time. The way they held hers, hers fit perfectly in his grasp. “I didn’t tell you, because…they aren’t…they’re just…I don’t want to bring it up to you, to anyone. It’s so hard to just…even think about.”
Clare’s small frame shook slightly, a chill running over her and down her spine. “I’m sorry, Elijah…that my body…that everything just got so screwed up. You don’t understand how happy I was to be with you. To know we were going to get married, and our little baby…everything. But now…because my body is screwed up, we’re fighting. We’re messed up.” The tears fell from her eyes quickly now.
Confusion washed over him as he struggled to piece it all together. Just…I don’t even know. Don’t leave me, she said. Eli’s heart sank. “Clare, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to leave you. I could never,” he said softly. He wrapped his arms around her, moving over to the couch now. “You don’t understand how happy I was to be with you. To know we were going to get married, and our little baby…everything. But now…because my body is screwed up, we’re fighting. We’re messed up,” she continued. Eli shook his head, words seeming to be lost on him. How could she blame herself for this?
He pulled away from her and wiped away her tears. “We will have all of that one day. We will get married and we’ll have a beautiful family. We’ll grow old together and spend every moment with each other. It hurts like hell knowing we came close but it’s okay. It just wasn’t our time. I love you so much and nothing will ever change that. I’ll be fine in life so long as I have you by my side. You’re all a guy could ever want and more and I’m so sorry for what happened. Baby, if these nightmares continue, tell me. I don’t want you facing this alone.” He kissed the tip of her nose and touched his forehead to hers. “We’re not perfect, we have flaws but that’s more than okay. Clare, we’re human.”
"I've missed you." She whispered, leaning her head against his. His hair brushed against her skin, sending chills down her spine. "I love you so much, Elijah Goldsworthy." Her voice was soft, light. No need to be loud, he was inches from her. She could smell him, a scent she had missed dearly. It felt like years since they had been so close. The couch had been her place of residence lately. She'd fall asleep sitting down here, watching senseless things on the television, Ringo on the floor in front of her.
But here Eli sat, leaning into her. It was exactly what she needed in that moment. "I promise...to tell you, only if you promise to tell me when you feel the need to hurt yourself. If I'm not around, tell someone. Try at least. And...if you slip up, don't hide it from me. I'm not going to leave you, I'm not going to run out because you slipped up. But baby, just...try to do what you can and don't automatically turn to that...But if it happens, I can't be mad." She tilted her head slightly, letting her lips graze his in a light kiss.
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