|| MY FIC MASTERPOST ||Just a blue haired girl who loves everything Tokyo Ghoul and likes to write. Touken & Nishitou are kinda my thing. Icon: squidsmith ♥
OH MY GOD HIII!!! I can't believe I'm seeing another chapter of Remain Nameless AAAAAH!!! I'm going to cry ;__; I honestly didn't have hope anymore, but I'm so deliriously happy!! Thank you so much!!! <333
Oh my god, thank you for this message, thank you for sticking with me! You guys are a huge part of why I picked up writing again, I definitely don't want to let any of you down. <3
Title: Remain Nameless (AU) | one | two | three | four
Pairing: 240/Touka, Reaper/Touka
Word Count: 2,446
Rating: R/NSFW for unhealthy situations, physical abuse, and smut.
Warnings: Lots of self harm references/tendencies, physical abuse, and smut.
Premise: Set in an AU setting where Touka is actually at CCG and she is given permission to tend to 240. This story is how 240 and Touka deal with the pain they’re both going through.
Note: Someone special anonymously requested this fanart because of RM and it’s the most precious thing ever. Check it out. :’)
Hello, it’s me...
It’s been a long time and I’m still not fully back, but I’ve been really harsh on myself for having not finished my fics and I want to try to do that. I feel like the fandom might be dead, but hey, I loved writing and miss it. So, I posted this bit...and I honestly do not know how many more chapters this may be. Thank you to those who are still with me. ( ,_,)
-
Touka could feel her heart sink as Ken said he remembered everything and then placed the blame on her for him being locked up. This was her worst fear. This is what had plagued her nightmares ever since that night...
“I--I’m sorry,” She let out, her voice small and shaky. She watched as Ken began to slowly push himself up off the bloody floor.
“FUCK!” He shouted out in pain. His body was trying to heal itself, but he had been weakened by lack of food...the lack of real, meaty food. He clawed at the concrete floor as he soaked in the pain surging through him, knowing he had been through worse and that he could make his body accept this pain. To make him stronger. Pain is what had fueled him to push through.
Like a centipede.
He peered over at Touka who had crawled away from him slightly, looking frightened. She was anticipating the worst, even though a part of her felt deep in her heart that he would never hurt her. Right?
“You.” His voice was strained. The memories he had of her flooded his mind in a rush again, causing his head to twitch. They were a mixture of memories and emotions coursing through him violently. There were beautiful memories that made him feel warm, but the painful ones far outweighed the good ones. Especially after...that fucking night. “You...hurt me…” He let out through clenched teeth.
He would never forget and probably never forgive.
Touka swallowed hard. “I know…” Tears were building up in her eyes as she recalled the moment she witnessed Ken’s heart break right in front of her.
~
[One Year Ago - Touka x Haise x Ken]
“I never meant to hurt you…” Touka truly meant it. She had never intended to cause Ken any pain, if anything she hoped this night would somehow help alleviate it. But she now realized that was never realistic.
“But you did hurt me, Touka.” Ken’s voice was filled with such agony that Touka felt it hit her heart.
It hurt to actually hear the truth. “I know. I’m so sor--”
“Don’t. You picked him.” Ken didn’t let her finish. She wanted to let him know how sorry she was and how she just wanted to fix things, but the tears in his grey eyes let her know it was too late. It was too late for them. That’s when Touka saw his heart completely shatter in that moment. “So, stop fucking with my head. Just…please, stop.” Touka watched as Ken stormed out of her flat and she stood there as wave after wave of self-hate crashed over her.
What have I done?
Touka felt gentle hands curl over her shoulders and then soft lips against the base of her neck. Haise had come up behind her to try and distract her from the situation, but even he couldn’t make this any better.
“He hates me now.” There was sadness in her tone.
Haise sighed against her skin. “He’s being dramatic.”
Touka pulled away from him, burying her face into her hands as Ken’s heartbreak continued to haunt her. She would never forget the look on his face...
“We should have never pushed him to do this.” She had let her selfish wants and needs cloud her judgement. “God, what the fuck is wrong with me…” She thought out loud.
“Hey, deep down he wanted this.” Haise pulled her to him and placed a hand on her cheek as his other arm wrapped around her, locking her in place so she wouldn’t try to pull away from him. He wanted to be her sole focus.
“We’re cruel.” Touka glanced up at him. She was limp in his embrace, making no attempt to return his affection. This was not the right time for that. She wanted Haise to see how wrong...how fucked up things were now. “I knew he loved me and you exploited that, Haise. I’m just as bad as you when it comes to tormenting him.” And that stung Haise. He pulled his hand away from her and let her go.
“Do you want him, Touka? Because the door is right there. All you have to do is walk out and chase him down. But it’s always going to be a chase with him and you know that.” Haise’s tone was harsh, but he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t give Touka much of a chance to think as he claimed her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her. It was sweet and loving, it was exactly what made Touka’s knees weak. “I’m giving you everything he wouldn’t give you.” He murmured against her lips.
~
Everything he wouldn’t give me…
That was a lie. Because no matter how much Touka had wished for Haise to be Ken, he wasn’t. There was no substitute. It had been Ken that Touka had wanted, but it was Haise who made the first move and kept her hooked. It was better to have a Kaneki than not at all.
She was so weak...
“What’s my name?” The question snapped Touka out of her trance. She found raging eyes staring at her, demanding without words for an answer.
His name...
She couldn’t bring herself to say his name anymore when she had wanted to since she started visiting him. “I—I...” She had gone blank.
“WHAT’S MY NAME?!” He shouted, his voice rattling her and making her senses come back to her.
“Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.” She whispered.
Ken shut his eyes, letting his name sink in. He held his head in his hands and then fisted his white, bloodied hair. His face contorted in pain, the relentless rush of memories hitting him, filling his already fragile, if not broken, mind.
This is everything Touka didn’t want to happen. She wanted him to remember, but not everything, not the pain that had caused him to end up here.
“You knew my name this whole time…” Ken let out, hurt by Touka once again.
“Ken…”
If he only knew...
“Don’t.” He didn’t want to hear her excuses or explanations. But despite the pain he felt from Touka’s actions, it was his own, the very memories he chose to forget, that crippled him. He blamed Touka, making her the reason why he was stuck in this hellhole, but he knew it was his own choices that led him here.
And Haise.
“I killed people. I killed people...ghouls…” Tears streamed down Ken’s face as the images of the carnage he caused plagued his mind. He could no longer ignore it. He had become the one thing that he always thought his brother was. He had become a monster.
-
[One Year Ago - Haise x Touka]
Ken had gone rogue. No one, not even Haise, had heard or seen him since that night he left Touka’s flat. The night when Ken’s life was shattered, Touka thought. The guilt she carried had a profound impact on her, often causing her to take a moment for herself to cry, hiding it from Yomo, Haise, and everyone else she encountered.
She missed Ken so much and all she wanted was for him to come back. Even if he hated her, she just wanted him back.
Haise used his Quinx squad to investigate and try to find his brother. The CCG had already branded him a traitor after their investigation led to the discovery of Ken’s secret eating habits and officially labeled him as a ‘ghoul’. A dangerous one at that.
After a few weeks Haise’s own investigation came to fruition. He had found a lead and it was not what he had expected.
“Where is he?” Touka asks as soon as Haise comes through the door. He had called her earlier to let her know he had some news about Ken, knowing that she wanted whatever update he could give her. But part of him wanted to keep this to himself. That’s how selfish he had become.
He was also jealous. Even with Ken gone, Haise knew Touka would never fully be his. She would always love him…
Haise sighs when Touka doesn’t even greet him, only wanting the news. “Apparently, he’s joined the Aogiri Tree.” He answers her. He catches her expression, she’s only blinking.
“What?” Touka, after a good moment, finally speaks, with a completely perplexed look on her face..
Haise remained stoic as he walked past Touka and into the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something to eat.
“Haise!?” Touka shouts, getting him to turn back around as he slams the refrigerator door.
“What, Touka?” He lets out through clenched teeth.
“You come in here and tell me Ken, your brother, has joined Aogiri and all you can do is look for something to eat?!” She looks completely appalled.
“What else do you want me to tell you, huh? He’s in Aogiri. That’s all I know, Touka.” And that was the truth. There were only blurred photos of Ken with other ghouls, namely Yamori, one of the CCG’s most wanted. That’s all Haise had. Nothing else.
Touka rubs her forehead, not believing she was having to explain something like this to Haise. “I would think you’d be out there trying to save him. He’ll die if we just do nothing.”
“I don’t think he will.” Haise crosses his arms and leans against the kitchen counter, appearing too relaxed for Touka’s comfort.
“What?” What was happening here?
“I don’t think Ken would die there.” He replies calmly.
This couldn’t be happening. “Haise, are you really going to just leave him there?”
“Isn’t your brother in Aogiri?” Haise reminded her of a fact that she had apparently pushed out of her mind. “If I make the attempt to send in the CCG just to save Ken, your brother would be brought down with him and either locked up or killed. Do you want that?” Touka’s silence was deafening. She had been in denial about her brother, Ayato, being in Aogiri and Hinami…
These were facts that Touka herself had done what she could to distract herself from accepting. Hinami, for the longest time, followed her around, looked up to her like a big sister just like Ayato had once done. But a visit from Ayato, after believing she would never see her brother again, filled her with false hopes that he wanted to reunite with her and stay close to her.
“Ken is going to be fine. I know he will be.” Haise gently takes Touka’s face in his hands and showers her in feathery kisses. Tears well up in Touka’s eyes as she’s held, once again numb to Haise’s affection but feeling everything else.
No, he won’t be.
-
[Ten months ago - Haise x Touka]
Haise leaned against the wall of the bathroom wall. He had just finished putting on his suit for work when the lightheadedness suddenly struck him, causing him to stumble. He fell forward, having to hold onto the bathroom counter to keep himself from falling over. Haise glanced up to look at himself in the mirror, but he found his reflection distorted from the blurriness clouding his eyes.
He could feel his heart give off palpitations that made it difficult for him to breathe. He reached up with a hand to clutch his chest, as if he was trying to in some way stop his heart from going crazy. He knew better though. There was nothing he could do. He knew it needed to run its course.
And just like that, as quickly as it hit him, it faded. The dizziness, blurriness and heart issues went away.
That was one of his worst episodes and he had to be honest, it scared him. His episodes were rare, but they had been getting worse each time. He had expected it to intensify, but it still didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
Then the black tears came. Haise watched as black droplets fell from his eyes. A mixture of blood and whatever was happening to him. Another bad sign.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
I fucked up. I fucked everything up.
“Haise?” Touka knocked on the bathroom door. Haise immediately wiped away the black tears and stared at the mirror, trying to get himself back under control. This was something only he knew about and he wanted to keep it that way.
“Yeah?” He answered as he opened the door, but he avoided looking at Touka.
“Do you have time to talk?” She asked him, chewing on her bottom lip nervously.
Haise looked down at his watch. He was due for a meeting in an hour, a meeting regarding Ken, but he did let Touka in on it. What was the point of telling her? He sat down on the edge of their bed and let his eyes find hers. She seemed so worried - scared.
“What’s wrong?” He asks her, genuinely concerned about what had gotten her like this.
As Haise watched Touka contemplate her next words, somehow in that moment, he figured it out. He knew what she was going to tell him, but even being prepared to hear her confession, it was still going to break his heart.
Touka appeared to struggle with herself, trying to find the words to make sense of the news she had for Haise, and Ken, if he was here, but there was no easy way of putting it, except to just say it.
Spit it out, Kirishima, she told herself.
She feels herself drown in Haise’s worried grey eyes, somehow feeling Ken was in them as well and that put her a little more at ease...
“I’m pregnant.” She let out in a rush. Haise’s gaze fell away from her. It was what he had suspected. “I did the math...and I think it happened that night...with you and Ken.”
Haise had heard her. Pregnant. He heard that word and his mind was trying to process it, but what added to the surreality of it was Touka mentioning that night. Was that even possible? Haise tried to recall that night, a night that he had tried to forget. Ken.
“I, uh, I have to go.” Haise stood, walking past Touka.
Touka sighs, “Haise…”
“We’ll talk about it later, okay?” He looked over his shoulder to glance at her, but he still avoided her eyes. Touka stood there like she didn’t know what to do. Of all the things she expected, she didn’t expect Haise to just leave like that. Any other time she would run up to him and demand his attention, but she didn’t now. It wasn’t Haise she wanted here with her…
I missed your birthday?? sorry, happy belated birthday!! hope it was full of nishitou~
Haha, no worries! Thank you! There was some Nishitou involved, actually. Almost everyday there’s some Nishitou in my life and I wouldn’t want it any other way. :’DThanks again! <3
I’m sitting here writing my story (finally) and my brain is yelling at me about how to start it off
Just let the words flow. Sometimes what I write isn’t the beginning of a story...sometimes it’s something from the middle or end. I never force myself to write the beginning/start of a story. Whatever my muse wants to write, I just do it and then work it into the story. Stories can be messy, but that’s what I love about them. :)
COMO ESTÁN GENTE?🌺 info para comisiones de nuevo! como todos los años. Open because of vacations! All January and February. Please reblog if you like, I appreciate the support! it helps me a lot.
I have no problem with Furries, Antro, and the other things I can’t mention in this page anymore ;). Things I put in can’t draw is mostly because I suck at them so you probably would like someone else to do them.
Contact via Gmail as [email protected], Tumblr with asks or chat and Twitter!
You can Check my art in tumblr, twitter or instagram-! chau chaos🌺.
I was writing some Remain Nameless the other day and I still can’t believe I wrote half of that shit.
It’s been a year since I updated that fic and I am so sorry it’s taken this long to try to finish it. But it’s still in the process of being finished. I want to go out with a bang. But I’m doubting myself again because I feel like what I’m adding into this last chapter is…pushing it. 😩
Ugh and it’s been so long I can’t remember which sneak peeks I did. I’ll have to dig into that sneak peek tag.
I also debate about whether to just post what I have even though it’s not complete. That wouldn’t be wise. But wise words from my favorite author is what got me to start writing again. I just gotta push through this funk.
I was writing some Remain Nameless the other day and I still can’t believe I wrote half of that shit.
It’s been a year since I updated that fic and I am so sorry it’s taken this long to try to finish it. But it’s still in the process of being finished. I want to go out with a bang. But I’m doubting myself again because I feel like what I’m adding into this last chapter is...pushing it. 😩
