everyone's

washable, reusable, and made of body-safe materials

[dillydavie]

Basically a redraw (the girls are fightinggg)

[xlrcoil]

i love when an environment of acceptance can make someone realize they're an even worse person than they thought

[xlrcoil]

i've always felt that most people who lived a gamer NEET lifestyle didn't really want to be doing that, it was sort of just the natural end result of a bunch of brief choices; of course people mostly prefer not to be nocturnal, not to be in dark messy rooms, to see people irl, it's just not everyone has the choice, most gamer NEETs dislike their lifestyle but feel powerless to change... but for someone i know, it seems to genuinely be their desire to live this way. they don't hurt for real life friends or activities or opportunities or financial support in whatever direction they would choose, they just are like this. i say it is their desire but i think, rather than this being a reflected-upon choice, it's more accurate to say that they have just successfully removed any tension between fulfillment of their immediate wants and fulfillment of their long-term ones (by jettisoning the latter). i'm not sure this is broadly that rare, but most of what i've heard from such people before, when they are in a situation that is "better" than usual, when they socialize or see sunlight or whatever—that it is preferable to gaming in a dark hole all night. it does not seem to be so with this person. some people are born to be gamer NEETs...

[xlrcoil]

deviance can be learned through our interactions with others.

[xrafstar]

same asker as before who found u from pronoun palace credits. serious weakness affected me a lot and i DID end up carving a really huge trianon X into my chest. it wasn't like a self harm thing in the traditional way, i consider it more making my body into art

its a great shape! timeless! ❌

[xlrcoil]

i wish dht cream was not the world's biggest hassle to get

[xlrcoil]

there's also something sort of interesting to a total disorientation from time and space... access to maps and watches was a privilege you were only sometimes granted. this isn't actually a very big deal in a setting where your movements are tightly controlled and the relevant time information is stuff like estimating the hours to sunset. but it's strange to think of in my current world where it's almost impossible to truly lose track of time. and there's something about it that feels like a borges story maybe, a bunch of teenagers in the desert kept totally unaware of the movement of the world

[xlrcoil]

one time at wilderness there was this freak storm

it started snowing and hailing, these big rocks of ice

and it was a flat expanse in every direction, and there was lightning that struck nearer than i've ever seen

we were all sitting on our packs, having no other recourse than to just be as electrically nonconductive as possible, and everyone was very scared but i'm not sure it would be an exaggeration to say that is the calmest i have ever felt in a weird way, i have never felt as totally wiped clean of every other feeling

it was just very clear that there was absolutely nothing i could do, and it's not like daily life isn't full of situations like that, but in very few of them are you physically prevented from doing anything other than sitting very still and hoping you make it, and it did feel a little like a "privilege" to witness this singular natural event which was, unlike most of what occurred there, not by anyone's design and which no one was better equipped for than anyone else, all being individual points which could easily be struck, and so so cold, and forced far away from each other and the wind too loud to even shout

i feel like wilderness was full of experiences like that and that was the "point", creating an environment where there was a way to do it right which involved giving yourself over again and again to all types of forces, and i was very good at it... i didn't necessarily enjoy it and it hurt me very badly but when people talk about experiences like, permanently life changing acid trips, it does feel like that, a very clear bifurcation in my life where i am recognizably the same person but also definitely not at all

and i do feel sort of lucky... most people have never and will never get to experience anything like that, though if you go back a little ways in time, it resembles more closely the experience of humans—the whole storm i thought of a section of little house on the prairie where they are in a white out snow and must find their way back without freezing to death. those people would know something about this, and to them it was just their life!

[xlrcoil]

thinks so hard about all the chaumas-deactivated robin posts

[xlrcoil]

of course its hard and embarrassing not being like all the other normal human people. and it was worse when i thought this all was truly reflective of reality. but now its just my residual wiring, which says i have a purpose (making boys happy)

[xlrcoil]

i really think i was created in a lab which repurposed sex robots as testing grounds for heretofore unseen neuroses

[xlrcoil]

kind of want to make a tumblr about childhood, but worried that this would take up way too much of my brain space... i would want to engage with other people who post about this, and i hate most other people who post about this. a lot of what i see is focused on this as part of leftist theory and like a broader idea that everything in society gives you trauma. ironically one of the least empowering/liberating frameworks possible

[emoparamore]

beautiful play piercing by alycia via instagram

[xlrcoil]

i found someone's kink blog where they say they are a cis girl and mostly just post horny stuff about boys but like, there are a lot of posts in between those posts, of their... really bespoke and intense anxiety/ocd about turning out to secretly themselves be a boy, which they really desire and are terrified of. but also specify that they want to be transformed into the boys they have a crush on, not themselves-as-a-boy. which was also my first exposure to the being a boy concept, elaborate fantasy scenarios where i was my crush, but happened to me at so young an age that it never got to interface with my deeper/adult understanding of gender, so it's sort of interesting to see this process happen to someone as an adult, where they of course know transgender people exist but can't picture themselves as one, and just have this very sexual-attraction-driven desire and fear about belonging to the abstract concept of boys.. relatable (and maybe this is the origin for lots of people, as children or adults, but i think lots of people don't want to be honest about it because it isn't society's narrative about how/why transgenderism arises)

also they keep getting asks from unhelpful people saying stuff like "cis people don't have thoughts like this", great advice for someone with ocd over whether they're cis or not.......

[xlrcoil]

person who wasn't molested they're just like that

[xlrcoil]

related train of thought, i have a [life event] coming up and while considering giving myself a scar to celebrate thought of one of my old ideas/fears: that adults don't do this kind of thing and every mark i left on myself was going to be something that in my adult life i would have to explain to boyfriends, to my kids, to anyone who saw them, and that i was going to have to learn how to truly believe i had done a bad thing doing what i was doing at the time, because you can't tell other people that you think that kind of thing is okay. and i guess my idea about that now is: wow, this viewpoint evidences so little hope for... self acceptance, acceptance by others, the ability to choose to only be around people who love me—i was thinking about the kids thing in more detail, having previously only thought of this in the context of children being the prototypical avatar for "people you aren't allowed to corrupt with your ideas", and thought about how, actually, one of the biggest ways my life could have been better was if i had a parent whose approach to teenage despair was not you are really really scary, so scary that I can't handle it and need to put you somewhere and was instead someone who knew about it, at all, if the response hadn't been punishment...

i still have a lot of variations on this fear about stuff, that i'll need to learn how to explain it away or grow out of it because it would be ridiculous to think that i could build a life where i wasn't expected to do either of those things. it feels unsafe to get rid of those fears, because it would mean admitting that i can't just get rid of my traits even when they drastically reduce the number of people who could love and understand me... but that's a false choice, right, the alternative to finding people who love and accept you for your traits and values isn't shaving those off and expanding your options, it's misery. and it's highly honorable to accept "unacceptable" traits in yourself such that you can accept them in others and in general live in truth, honesty, love

[xlrcoil]

i've been reading a lot of poisonjr posts recently (check bsky or twitter) and thinking about certain ways of looking at things

i spent a while thinking this kind of thing was a really important/true thing about the world. there are still certain ways you can interpret this that i think are sort of true but i don't feel like this anymore. probably because i'm not being institutionalized or scared of being institutionalized or trapped in anyone's house and that kind of thing. some people maintain this view forever no matter how free they get though, of the world as essentially being a wasteland in which we cling to each other, constant hope towards the future and every current happiness being like a tiny shard you cling to... i think i'm vulnerable to this mindset and definitely thought i'd think like that forever. and when i thought like this, i worried that letting go of it might mean forgetting the truth of the matter, that bad things would become justifiable and forgettable rather than part of a constant ruling pattern of evil that we all needed to guard against and could only do so if we kept our eyes on it, at all times

i'm not sure how to describe my current feeling in relation to this because my entire world is so different, i'm not sure i could truly embody that mindset even if i tried now, my life is literally too full of freedom and abundance. i don't really feel in danger of forgetting about bad things. i do still sometimes want to and feel unable to express them to other people, precisely because of how far away these worlds are from each other, but i think i might actually be getting closer to being able to put it into words as time passes. and what i find important about that changes; even 2 years ago i was still occasionally dissociatively losing time, crying most nights, stuff like that, and it felt important to figure out how to force someone to be there with me. and i couldn't/can't do that, but i think i care more now about being the person who's there... making something that can reach a world like that, using the understanding that things can be bad in those ways to connect people to an idea of the world where that's not the case, being someone who lives in this world who doesn't find it impossible or too scary to look into that one