Another Philosophe

just a queer lost in her thoughts

[xphilosophe]

Pressure is a privilege

The sweat in my palms is a privilege

My racing heartbeat is a privilege

To be given a microphone and a platform, a privilege

To walk through the round building and it’s winding corners, a privilege

To utter Mr. Chair, members of the committee, a privilege

The shoes on my feet, the blazer on my back, a privilege

A privilege that shows what I do matters

A privilege that I must not take for granted

For there are people counting on me

And for the people I will fight

[xphilosophe]

I am half of you,

I am half of you,

I am the best of you,

I am the worst of you,

Charming, cunning, sly

Thoughtful, loving, kind

I am half of you,

I am half of you,

I am the best of you,

I am the worst of you,

Obsessive, layered, complex

Good, bad, consumed with regrets

Half of you and half of you made me

Who else did you expect me to be?

[xphilosophe]

I wonder if the ego has wore off

If the tough guy act is no more?

Or maybe you buried the old you some place and threw away the key?

I’m not sure but…

I am sure that you hurt me

I am sure that it will be a long time before I can open myself up to someone ever again

I am sure I won’t dare to share my space with another person

I am sure I will never be as vulnerable as I was with you

I am sure I will have trust issues piled on top of the baggage from a lifetime of trauma

I am sure I won’t ever call another person my soulmate or utter the words, ‘I choose you’

I am sure and I have accepted that I’ll never love anyone like I loved you

I wonder if the ego has wore off

If the tough guy act is no more?

Regardless..

I hope you know the damage you have done

[xphilosophe]

Almost five months later, and still

I can’t help but feel nostalgic.

I replay the memory of us on repeat,

still unable to shake

the closeness we shared.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself,

“How could she do this?”

Then I think about who I am now

how alive, how confident,

how secure I’ve become.

And I can’t help but wish

you could see it.

I wish you could see

how I pulled myself out of

the hole you left me in.

I wish you could see my new apartment,

my latest wins,

the version of me

that survived all of this.

I think maybe

you’d be proud of me.

But honestly,

I’m not sure.

I keep trying to remember

I’m doing this for myself,

not for anyone else.

Still, sometimes

I can’t help but ache

for my best friend,

for who I thought was my person,

for the life we once planned.

But I am okay.

And I know I’ll only keep getting better.

It’s just that sometimes

I can’t help but feel nostalgic.

[xphilosophe]

If and when you talk shit about me,

when you list my worst qualities

my insecurities,

my desperate need for you to love me

I hope you don’t forget the trauma that shaped me.

If and when you talk shit about me,

I hope you remember my complexity:

the way I tried to do right,

the guilt that followed me,

the quiet suffering I carried.

If and when you talk shit about me,

I hope you mention how close we were

how long it took me to open up,

how fear lived in my chest,

and how, for a moment,

you were my reason for life.

If and when you talk shit about me,

I hope you understand

I never meant to hurt you.

I was taught survival, not love

to hold on too tightly

to what I thought was mine.

But you’re gone now. We’re done.

And I’ve changed.

I am still me,

but not the same at all

better, brighter,

less willing to lose myself

just to be loved.

If and when you talk shit about me,

I hope you know

I’m no longer that person

but somehow,

I will still defend you.

[xphilosophe]

I’m packing up what you left behind, plus my belongings

This apartment is the final reminder of our time together

I’m recalling the good times

the dinners in the backyard,

the Sunday evenings you wore that orange two-piece pajama set,

the laughs we shared in the living room

It’s all tempered now

by the reality I didn’t want to face

the nights I spent crying myself to sleep,

the sex that was never had,

the battle I had to fight

while you grew in another direction

I’m cleaning the stove

that hasn’t been turned on since you left

Throwing out the vision board we made

for a future that will never exist

Shattering the holiday mugs you picked out

I don’t give a fuck about Halloween, Valentine’s,

or anything in between

Comforting the cat you abandoned,

wondering if he thinks of you,

of his now estranged siblings

I’m moving things around

doing the final walk-through

This is the final reminder

of a life I almost had

a wife, a garage, a luxury car,

a two-story apartment

How I wanted that so bad

Now it’s gone

I’ll move into a one-bedroom

one cat, no wife, no lover,

absolutely no one under my covers

I know this was not my only chance

But I won’t dare to dream of a life like that again

I was willing to hold on,

write it off as anxiety,

do anything necessary

for a future with an emerald green ring

and a wedding in Greece

But fuck all of that

I’m moving out

I’m moving on

This was the last reminder

of our time together

[xphilosophe]

I’m happy but still,

I hate that you are gone

I mourn our potential and the person you were when I first met you

I was incredibly anxious today

I was spiraling about an issue I’ve worried about before so I went to our old messages to find proof that this time I’ll be okay

It provided me relief, clarity that I’ve been here before, but it pained me to confront a version of you that loved and cared for me so deeply.

I miss that girl. I miss the girl who rubbed my chest and promised to never leave. I miss the girl who hated the patriarchy and authority. I miss the girl with pink hair who changed me. But she’s gone now.

I’m happy but still,

I miss the version of you that would hate the new you

[xphilosophe]

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you

I would be lying if I said I’m not mourning the good times and our potential

I would be lying if I said I don’t sometimes hope you’ll show at my door

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying my new found freedom and routine

I would be lying if I said I’m not both happy and sad, grieving and growing, angry and content, crying and smiling

I would be lying if I said I no longer love you

[xphilosophe]

I wish I could stop thinking about you

I wish I could erase my memory of you

I wish I could forget how safe you made me feel

I wish I could forget your laugh and how we finished each other’s sentences

I wish I could forget your coffee order

I wish I could forget that you were my best friend

I hate all of this

I hate it so much

It was never supposed to end like this

How am I supposed to be okay when I was planning to spend the rest of my life with you?

6 years planning on forever

I fucking believed you

I believed every word you said

And then you just left

How could you promise me every single night for hundreds of days that you would stay close and then you up and leave?

[xphilosophe]

Maybe I am toxic

Maybe I am the worst

Maybe I am unlovable

Maybe I can’t be fixed

I don’t know

But I do know

That I loved you

That I needed you

That I believed in you

That I would have done anything for you

But where did that get me?

Alone, sad, confused

[xphilosophe]

I wrote you poems

and created playlists

I held you close and

rubbed your back every single night

I paused to take photos of you and

wondered how I got so lucky

I went to war with myself

to be better for you

I tried to drown my worries

and the feeling that you were slipping away

I told myself I was just anxious,

I was just overthinking, it’s just me

Then it all came bubbling to the surface

And I realized I had betrayed myself for a false love that would take everything and run

[xphilosophe]

They told me there was nothing I could do but feel it. So I stop and let myself feel it…

I feel it when I’m parked on the side of the road having a panic attack

I feel it when I wake up in the morning and I’m immediately overcome with tears

I feel it in the middle of yoga, in the middle of a meal, in the passenger seat of my bosses car

I feel it in the sound of my echoes in this empty house

I feel it in the freedom of choice and the reality that I have no one to consider

I feel it in the space of where our bodies used to meet

I feel it when I think of you and realize I mean nothing to you

I feel the panic, the sadness, the anger, the grief

I feel it all, everywhere, all the time

[xphilosophe]

But..

You Said

But..

You Promised

But..

We Planned

But..

In the end, it wasn’t enough and you left

Now, I’m alone in an empty house

Trying to sort through the rubble

Trying to find my new self

[xphilosophe]

You were aware of it all

You were aware of my pain

You were aware of my tears

You were aware of my battle with darkness

You promised to hold me close

You promised to stay by my side

You promised to love me

Every day and night

You knew I was at war

You knew I was struggling

You knew more was to come

And you still left after it all

You, the one, who once calmed me

down in midst of panic and fear left me in fear and panic

Now my face is burning red, I can’t breathe, and I’m drowning in your absence

And you are the cause of it all

[xphilosophe]

I am down bad

I am in pain

I am in denial

I am hurt

I am left searching for answers

Asking myself what was real and what was not

When you said you loved me, was it real?

When you rubbed my chest and held me close, was it real?

When you laughed at my jokes and looked at me starry eyed, was it real?

When you planned and dreamed alongside me, was it real?

When you promised to love me no matter what, was it real?

When you called me your best friend and your soul mate, was it real?

It was real for me.

Every moment.

Every feeling.

Every act of love.

It was real.

It was real even when I made mistakes.

It was real even when I was struggling.

It was real even when I was unsure of myself.

It was real when the world around me crumbled and I found a way to be strong for you.

It was real through the pain, the silence, the longing.

It was real.

It was always real.

[xphilosophe]

What's the hardest part?

Twenty-five years of life, I have determined it’s not earning college degrees

What’s the hardest part?

With a body that can’t stay at rest, I have determined it’s not running, lunges, or even burpees

What’s the hardest part?

With a mind that refuses to slow down, I have determined it’s not meditation, a dissertation, or the most challenging of things.

What’s the hardest part?

It’s finally being safe, having a home, a beautiful girlfriend, and meaningful work, all to be terrified you might somehow ruin it all

What’s the hardest part?

Feeling alone in a room full of people who have no idea about the atrocities at bay, no awareness of their own limitations, no clue how they choose to perpetuate generational trauma, but still, point the finger at you.

What’s the hardest part?

It’s learning to find space between where you are and what could be

It’s learning, unlearning, re-learning, all to find peace and just maybe breakthrough

What’s the hardest part?

It’s trying to stay sane amid chaos, strife, characteristics of 21st-century life

It’s learning to forgive, to let go, to not let the world around impede you

What’s the hardest part?

It’s finding a way to choose yourself, to accept yourself, even when the world says not to

What’s the hardest part?

Giving yourself what you didn’t get and permitting yourself to experience love and joy, even if it means some people lose you

[xphilosophe]

I’m fighting to not let life harden me

I can feel the sun shine on my face and the birds sing all around me

I’m clawing away from everything attempting to restrain me

I can feel my heart pound and my muscles tire

I’m clinging to hope and the promise of what could be

I can feel the warmth rise inside of me

I’m claiming peace and stillness; working to become free