Kol

Any pronouns mainly He/They/It/Xe Sideblog for stuff I’m scared to post on main

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Below cut is massive vent/rant about my mental state past few weeks hell past two-three months honestly

My anxiety is spiking for no reason and I hate it. I feel like I can’t even bring it up sometimes

What’s bad is my anxiety makes me think I’m doing something wrong at trying to keep people happy. Hell I’ve been away for two weeks unable to play games with friends and I’m just *jealous* of those who can still play games when they’re away.

It’s worse cause can’t even read text tones. A friend is screen sharing in vc her hanging out with mutual friends and im sat here silently like “I want to join the server and hang out. But I can’t. I hate this.” I also know this jealousy is stupid as hell as I can just hop back on in a few days when home.

Before everything went to crap people would hangout constantly.

Now I’m now paranoid something is happening again.

What’s more stupid is my anxiety is making me think I am annoying and being to much and so much more.

I just want people to be happy and I know it’s never like that. I wish we go back to when everything was easier.

Im entering point I don’t even want to be in front often at the moment. But I dont want someone to pick up from where I am and shit.

Okay rant/vent over

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Got called straight. Damn.

Context some friends have known I have a crush on on my best friend of 3 years and that me the one in the system who has said crush is a guy while my best friend is a girl. I point at the fact I am genderfluid but masc presenting.

Wait

OH GOD MAYBE I AM STRAIGHT

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What the fuck have I missed.

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I love our newest headmate so dearly but it’s hard to explain to him that we can’t get Korean foods easily as we don’t have the supplies. Also our local store sells us expired food which sucks ass

He isn’t Korean, one of his parents was a Korean siren/vampire though and introduced him to kimchi which is his favorite food ever next to pomegranate.

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What do you mean some people ship my source with the girl I see as my sister?

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not me realizing i see a system mate much differently than our other ones, and also realizing this after two new systemmates from the same source give eachother a look i shoot at Kel whenever we are both away from front.

anyways any other systems know if this is normal???/

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How to deal with the fact out host doesn’t want to front for awhile and me the one guy who hates like 2% of the people the host is friends with is now the one mainly gonna be infront as nobody else really wants to.

It is going to be hard explaining to his friends “Hey so the host may be our old host now and I’m the new one. Yeah still refuse to give you fucks my name but oh well” I really hate his mother figure she’s a bitch and the one person I refuse to let know my name

I am already so so tired of this bullshit from some people the guy previous interacted with daily. Only one I truly enjoy the company of is his sister figure

Already started to let his irl best friend know what’s up

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Love hating someone the majority of the system enjoys hanging out with due to how they let out anxieties on our host who was in call with the people the anxieties are about. I understand that they had a bad brain day but shits been wild lately and we have finals.

A thinks B doesn’t like hanging with them as B is very dry and blunt. Host was in VC with B and C after A left due to shit. A also continued to use discord TTS to talk after C was like stop. They acted like we all hate them(I do mainly as they caused our host a bit of worry on if they’re being mean telling the others what they messaged the host but it was about person B in the VC, it was shambles once the host left call)

So past two days discord has been offline as we are going radio silent there due to shit and only interacting with other groups for our sanity.

Am I hating them for no reason? Possibly. Is the person the hosts parental figure? Also yes and it makes me kinda feel bad for hating them. Am I staying until after a bit exams when shit cools off stress wise? Also yes.

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Don’t like the amount of agression and hostility that someone’s feeling when they’re near front and get pissed at people who are just asses to us or when we are playing a game they are just watching passive aggressively

Like rn we are looking at grades and one class had a teacher swap middle of year due to administrations decisions and we failed it despite averaging mid-low 80s all year. The teachers way of teaching is eh to me personally but Nyx despite being chaotic is very agressive and easy to annoy.

It’s scary

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…gods I’m pretty sure a friend of ours after learning were a system and that I slide in age has sort of taken a caregiver Liek role for me when I’m slipping(which honestly has been all day. Even now I feel younger. Just not toddler younger)

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We miss Kol sometimes. It’s also a constant reminder with the Spotify acc under his name and yeah.

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Watching a thing and someone yells “DAD” when a character is on screen. Oh how I love these guys.

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Playing games with friend and you just hear people in your head get competitive.

Whiskey. Her names whiskey and she called someone a god damn son of a bitch.

Anyways guess who’s realized he’s part of a system and Whiskey is pretty active as much as I am. Oh boy.

She called someone who’s probably older than me a child??? I immediately apologized for what she did

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The feeling of not being helpful or enough for people sucks. Including on projects.

I feel Liek a let down and just wanting to do what I do normally(write draw and build) feels tedious.

But sometimes I pick up new things like this Minecraft town I’m making with this mod that has prebuilt houses but I’m redoing some of them and have terraformed the land by a lot. Hell today I built some of the gardens area!

But even then in the background I felt useless to stuff I’m meant to be helping on.

Heh

Always have had this feeling and it does terrible damage to my mental health

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Thinking on my childhood stuff and yeah it’s all black really. I know onetime I realized oh last week is all black and empty and we also remember this black and white party that I think was real and being led somewhere and then boom nothing. It’s like memory ends and starts back up with younger me maybe 3 years old being in a car but what I vaguely remember is I wasn’t asleep of all things. Something’s telling me it was real and not a dream as how the fuck can a 3 year old remember that and have it in mind years later but only being brought to a place before it stops.

Yes not remembering childhood shit is normal but also a lot of my memories even from like grade school are iffy(the iffy years being preschool to 2nd? Grade maybe third).

Also the stuff I do remember feels dream like. As if I was only seeeing from a outsider observing.

But in all honestly I have days where I’m feeling like my body is on autopilot and we can do nothing but let it happen. Stuff is all foggy those days

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So question. Is we/us normal to refer to yourself as? Like we have been starting to use that more frequently mixed with normal stuff to refer to yourself as and it’s so confusing to me. Liek what does this mean????

Just asking even if it’s most likely a grammar thing even though those don’t randomly happen and have a reason behind them I can go back to.

I don’t think daydreaming or maladaptive daydreaming conversations that just start randomly should be normal. Or when writing and rereading stuff that didn’t seem right and something telling me to change it.

….I have questions