Rae

♡𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆 ♡ And things I want to say that are always on my mind

[xrae]

Manifesting I become a fiancé this year 🦋🙏

[xrae]

Hey it’s been a while …

I found a good boy and he’s on my side.

Hes my eternal sunshine ☀️

[xrae]

Some days I hate you, some days I wish you would come back.

Not coming back in the way that I want you again like I once wanted you before. But I wish you would come back just to give me some sort of closure. Closure that could have prevented me from questioning my worth when the wound was fresh. Closure that made me wonder “did you think I really deserved it all?”

…closure I never got and never know if I will get.

Some days I hate you and some days I’m at peace with where we are. With how things are now, I have room to redefine what I’m looking for.

Some days I hate you, and some days I still hate you and I’m angry all over again. I want you to feel hurt the same way you let me hurt. I want you to understand that while you were once the boy that stood up for me and threatened to kick someone’s ass if they hurt me in any type of way, you now became the person who hurt me. But this person, you, faces no consequences of doing so.

Some days I hate you, some days I care. I’ll still be civil. I still care that you are safe out there. I still care about your family and all of your well being. I don’t know how I still have it in me the way you left things, but some days I still care even though I want to hate you.

[xrae]

I’m so fucking tired of people getting a little piece of my heart, not even the full thing, and still breaking it. They take that little shard and they break it into much smaller pieces even though that little shard is not nearly as delicate as the whole piece that already broke.

[xrae]

I dont know how to stop hurting because of someone who allowed me to be vulnerable In different ways and then suddenly ripped that all away.

I dont know how to stop hurting because of the pain that was caused by someone who did not deserve any of that vulnerability.

[xrae]

Well it happened again.

[xrae]

I dont know how to stop hurting because of someone who allowed me to be vulnerable In different ways and then suddenly ripped that all away.

I dont know how to stop hurting because of the pain that was caused by someone who did not deserve any of that vulnerability.

[xrae]

Honestly sometimes I really dont believe in love anymore

[xrae]

“I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break."

You knew this.

You knew this as you wrapped your arms around me. Mocking my discomfort because it didn’t feel right.

It was supposed to be delicate, but your fingertips left cracks on my soul that would soon shatter with the realization that it was not real.

It was out of bitterness. It was not the care that you spoke.

Every time you hugged me, I broke.

[xrae]

Sometimes I wish I had a more “normal” relationship. Like I’m grateful for the time and independence we both get while being long distance, since we can focus on what we need to do and also grow on our own while still being there for each other. But other times I’m like damn, I just want a hug. I just want to hang out. And you both have to say you miss each other more than saying anything else. Sometimes you just want more time to be able to grow together. More balance. But can’t just yet.

[xrae]

When I talk about autism, I always say to people “I am probably autistic” but what I really mean is that I am autistic. Just afraid of the varied responses and reactions from people

[xrae]

I chose to build my life with support that is what they truly say and mean.

Without questioning if something is wrong.

Or if someone was lurking. Again.

You took away the places you knew I could be vulnerable.

Out of your way to destroy, out of my way to find somewhere else to write.

[xrae]

It gets exhausting seeing the good in everyone all the time. I try for so long to give people chances. More than they deserve. Not everyone deserves access to you and sometimes it upsets them when their absence and toxicity isn’t there to rain on your parade anymore.

[xrae]

People have too much time on their hands to be caring about stuff that doesn’t involve them even a little bit

[xrae]

Of all the people that I used to call my closest friends, not one of them ever fought to keep me in their life.

[xrae]

I’ve never been met with a sincere “I love you” that will stay

[imjustvibingyaknow]

Having abandonment issues is so funny because someone will be like "I love you. I care for you. Your heart is safe with me. I won't leave you." And no matter what I'm just sitting there like "Sounds fake but okay."

[xrae]

The topic of #RoeVWade #RoeVsWade is something I feel very passionate about for multiple reasons. One of which I don’t think many people are considering when this topic is brought up; that is high risk pregnancies relating to other reproductive disorders and illnesses. The overturn scares me a lot. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS, although has a high percentage of infertility, should you get pregnant it is considered high risk. This is something many dont realize when it comes to the legalization of abortions being healthcare. As a woman with PCOS, one of the first things I was told by doctors was that there is a high infertility rate. What that means though is that should someone with PCOS Gets pregnant, the pregnancy is considered high risk. Many complications for the fetus and the one carrying the fetus can occur right from fertilization. With PCOS, the egg is not a suitable condition to be fertilized and develop into a baby, especially full term. This is due to insulin resistance, the risk of diabetes for both the parent (gestational diabetes) during pregnancy and the baby. There is also a high probability of issues with implantation too. There is also the risk of preeclampsia. Of course when there is harm to the person carrying, there is effects to the fetus such as premature delivery, meconium aspiration (the baby’s first stool gets into their lungs), and have a low Apgar score in five minutes (which means that the baby is high risk for death). And of course there is the risk of miscarriages which is very likely. Due to these implications between the fetus and also the person carrying, abortions may be required to ensure the safety of the individual that is pregnant.

People with PCOS account for a high abortion rate of 30%-50% in the first 3 months of pregnancy, 36%-82% account for recurrent early abortions, and 58% of habitual abortions. PCOS can lead to a near-successful pregnancy but may still require a spontaneous abortion.

making abortions illegal, is denying healthcare. Going through a pregnancy shouldn’t be scary, especially when you have so much going on with your reproductive system already. Knowing a procedure that could save your life during a high risk pregnancy is no longer an option makes Pregnancy very scary to live through, especially when you are doing everything you possibly can to have a safe and healthy pregnancy for not only the fetus, but yourself. Without abortions, this is not guaranteed and people will die. Women will die.