Been a minute. Things are weird. I feel... Better. And different. And grown. I've reached a good point in healing where I think it's safe to say I'm not in love anymore. Thank God. My ex has become a random internet acquaintance, which is weird considering everything we did together lol, and while I do still love him in some weird abstract way... I guess I'm just over it now? I dunno.
I like that though. I deserve more than that. I wasn't even worth the bare minimum in the end. That will probably bother me for the rest of my life btw. That was some of the most blatant disrespect that I have ever experienced from a person who claimed to love and care about me lol.
I do resent him for some things. Most of it isn't really his fault, idk. It's my own fault for knowingly dating someone who I knew was like this. I knew it was a bad idea and I remember literally thinking to myself in his fucking house "this is probably a bad idea but I'm so lonely I don't even care. Worth it." Now my whole life timeline is fucked up. I didn't realize how much I wanted kids until after the breakup and now I have daily anxiety about being too old and I should've already had a baby and blah blah blah.
Idk. I do want to date again. I hate dating. I hate getting to know people. It's exhausting having to do the social performance and I hate texting. If I'm going to be stuck in my hometown I might as well make the best of it. Because I am stuck here. I was before, technically. I don't know why I thought he'd change his mind or that I could live independently. God I'm so glad I didn't do that. I listened to my gut.
I am still lonely and I have to make sure I don't immediately latch on to whoever gives me attention first. But I'm also relieved now. I'm glad I'm not going to make all those poor choices just so someone would give me more attention 😅 he would never do any of that shit for me (as we can see). Honestly I feel if it was saving himself or saving me he would've picked himself.
Story of my life though with always trying so hard to be included in a life someone already had established. I gotta be convenient and flexible or I'm tossed aside. Fuck that. I'm legit like a dog lol.
I'm doing okay. That's the point. I think I'm going to try dating intentionally now. Soon. I got shit to do and I want love.















