••• despair, my old friend,

Disappear, forever. Disappear in front of me even though you were for me. 常思安 — Chang Sian ⌜25, Chang Huiye (常辉夜), Minor Clan⌟

[xxhuiye]

He had been selfishly clinging to the moments away from his father. 

It seemed the farther away he was from Yueyang, the fainter the voice in his head became and that was certainly not a coincidence. However, his newfound freedom came at a price. He couldn’t oversee his younger brother’s antics and assure his safety while he was away. His father had cast his younger brother aside and placed him on a tight leash. 

He had disowned him yet was unwilling to relinquish the control he had over Sijun. His brother nearly died because of his father’s contempt for any type of disobedience. Frankly, his father was the one that deserved a punishment much worse for treating his family like they were expendable.

He hated the man.

He felt guilty for hating his father, and he felt bitter that he had been instilled since birth with the filial piety his father had masterfully weaponized against his own flesh and blood. He wanted to rescue his younger brother out of the confines of the forest, which now served as a prison for a lonely boy that was desperate for love and validation. 

He could go on and on about freedom, but the concept was merely an illusion. He could only give his brother a false sense of freedom. They had been born into a cursed family, whose inheritance was an acidic concoction of suffering, conflict, and abuse. 

And now with each step, he took towards his father, the crushing weight of defeat made him appear paler than usual. His father doesn’t hesitate to point how weak he appears when he greets him, and he knows better than to receive that as a parental gesture of worry. 

He brings his arms down, eyes scanning around the hall to glance at all the sect leaders. He didn’t care about his progress report. He was more interested to see the sect leaders interacting with each other. 

A change in expression had everyone walking out of the hall and looking up at the sky. Something had gone terribly wrong at Baijing Mountain. The streaks of crimson extended across the sky and illuminated the area with a glow that was simultaneously ominous and beautiful.

“…only twenty years…here again…the end of the world.”

His eyebrow twitched, turning to gauge the degree of her words on Lan Qiruan’s face. 

It didn’t appear to be an exaggeration. 

[sijunxx]

「solitary confinement.」

@xxhuiye

“I did nothing wrong.” One by one, he pushed those words through his clenched teeth. His eyes were dark with anger and glistening with hatred. “I will kill him one day. Cut him into pieces and feed him to the dogs.” In a society ruled by filial piety, there was no greater crime that the one he was promising to commit.

Outside of the poorly framed windows, the wind howled. As the sky darkened, warning the arrival of the night, the chill came. The fear that had once been kept away by the blazing flame of his rage was creeping in. Subconsciously, Sijun’s fingers tightened around his brother’s arms, his nails digging into the other’s thin robe and threatening to enter flesh.

Stay, his body silently willed his brother, but his mind knew what the right thing to do was.

“You…should go.” He whispered, eyes unblinking as he forced himself to loosen his grip on Sian, one finger at a time. The forest wasn’t safe, especially at night. Besides that, their father was already in a foul mood and if he found out Sian had sneaked out to visit the trash that he had thrown out of the gate, there would be more than a beating waiting for him as punishment. It was perhaps impressive, for a twelve-years-old boy essentially abandoned by his own father to think this clearly, but he had no choice. Now that his mother was gone, he had no one left to love except for Sian - nothing was more important than his brother’s safety.

“I will be f-fine,” he reassured, putting on a smile that looked more like a grimace. “Fine.” There was no stutter the second time around, which he was proud of himself for. “Just, promise you won’t forget me here?”

[xxhuiye]

Sian hadn’t thought of the consequences when he had sneaked out of the residence. His father had demanded everyone to return to their quarters and forbid anyone from speaking to him for the night. He turned away before his father could utter the last word, feet taking initiative as he ran towards the nearest wall. He vaguely remembers avoiding his mother’s gaze, but his vision had blurred soon after and he had thought of nothing else but catching up to Sijun. He hadn’t called out for his brother, feeling unable to speak because of the lump that had formed from dread in his throat. 

‘He hadn’t thought at all,’ his mother would probably say. ‘I’ll reprimand him myself.’

His brother had lost his only mother and was now cast aside by his family as if he was expendable. His father was cruel, but Sian could never forgive him for exiling Sijun and leaving him to fend for himself. Sijun had his father’s blood running through his veins, and that didn’t mean much. Just mere sentimentality. 

He could care less of what awaited him at home. He stood in the center of the room, rendered speechless whilst he listened to his brother’s spew out how he would kill their father. He should have silenced him, but the acidic tone of his brother’s voice frightened him. 

Don’t be blinded by hate. 

Don’t give him the satisfaction of becoming him, Sijun.

But his brother was not their father. He was just a boy filled with an immeasurable amount of pain. He could only empathize with what his brother was feeling. He felt that he was failing Sijun. He hadn’t protected him, and now he was unsure of how to console him. He couldn’t silence him but only Sijun and he existed inside the dilapidated cabin. Where else would they be able to speak freely if not in the comfort of each other? 

He shook his head, feeling overwhelmed by the surge of emotions once again as he stepped forward to tightly embrace the other boy around his shoulders. He refused to leave him alone. “Foolish is what you are if you think that I would leave you here on your own.” He whispered, chin pressing against his shoulder. “I promise to never turn my back on you for as long as I live.” 

[xxhuiye]

Yueyang Chang Sect's Sian was born on the cusp of Autumn. He was his mother’s first son and the sect leader’s third son. His mother once told him that she had named him Sian because of his gentle eyes and overall calm demeanor. She didn’t think he would be capable of finding peace inside the family he had been born into. His mother was not a seer, but she would aptly name him for the turbulent upbringing he would face. 

— He was known for his smile growing up and had a reputation to match. He preferred to treat others with respect and kindness first unless the person had disrespected others he cared about or people unable to defend themselves.  — While his father had demanded him to only focus on his swordsmanship, his mother had passed on her love for musical instruments and poetry. He spent most of his nights writing with candlelight and on bright nights, he would be able to write with the help of the moon. His courtesy name, Huīyè, highlights this aspect of his life.  — He doesn’t have many friends. In fact, trust isn’t something he hands out easily. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but he is a really private person and requires everyone that wants to be close to remain in his life for a long time. He has zero casual friendships but is quite a loyal friend, and would die for his friends.  — The closest person in his life is Sijun. Their age difference was short of 2 years, and he would quickly step into the protective older brother role. After his brother was exiled to the forest, he would persuade his father to allow him to visit Sijun every month. He never missed a weekend, and now their fates are entangled even further after his brother almost died from a superior demon. He was able to save him after getting help from a healer and he has to use his own blood to keep him alive. He lies to his brother about the medicine that he forces him to take, and feels horrible that his brother won’t be able to become the cultivator he is capable of being.  —He has a strained relationship with his father. He understands how difficult (and important) his father’s role is in the sect, but he disagrees with how he treats his family and certain leadership decisions he has taken. He doesn’t voice his opinion, but it’s not because he is afraid of retribution, rather he knows that stepping out of line will result in his siblings following in his footsteps.    —When he turned twenty-three, his father decided that he had to be married. His father had made a pact with an allied sect to marry one of his sons, and his two older brothers were already married. He has never been in love and never had the desire to find someone. He doesn’t think he is capable of loving someone in a way they deserve. He ran away for a week when his father told him, but he came back to not dishonor his family.  —He was honest with his wife and told her not to expect anything out of their arrangement. She was free to do what she wanted, and he wouldn’t interfere. But after two years, the persistent pressure from both sides of the family about wanting a child was taking a toll on both of them and now she is beginning to resent him.   —His ultimate desire is to be free. Without a name, without needing to fulfill anyone else’s expectations. He is currently a dormant volcano, waiting to erupt with the right stressor. Cross your fingers that doesn’t happen. 

[weltenwellen]

Adonis, Selected Poems

[hundredthousandtimes]