damn i havent used this shit to vent in a while. basically, the premise of this is that ol girl fucked me up. they say you never forget your first love and i cant refute that claim. almost a year fully removed, no conversation, no contact, no nothing. im not even mad at the fact that it’s over, because it needed to be. the relationship was tarnished, stemming from both of our issues. the love had faded long before we cut our ties. the thing is, even when i thought i was fully done, you continue to fuck me up. i know at this point you dont even care, and thats cool. this isnt for you. its for me and everyone i choose to involve myself with in the future. when you fall out of love the way we did it hurts to try and replicate what you had with someone else. distance, infidelity, and insecurity were the main causes for the deterioration of our bond. love and trust were far and few from our last few months together. the moment i found out i got cheated on was the moment my innocence died. i was no longer the happy boy in the relationship, but now just a shell of what i was bred to be. i have since accepted this as a part and i forgive ol girl for what she did. i get it now. i never got it before but im not holding that grudge anymore.
when you get stripped of the love you built with someone you cling on to the remnants as hard as you can. i clung on far too long, suffered, and brought others down with me. to everyone i have been ‘seriously’ involved with the last couple of years, im sorry for my actions. i always start out strong, and my feelings are genuine. but when i get close to that feeling i once had i either run or pretend. running hurts, but pretending is even worse. i vow to never show anyone fake love ever again because no one deserves to only believe and not know their love is reciprocated. im sorry m, im sorry a, im sorry av, im sorry mi, im sorry z. im trash for what i did but now i know moving forward i cant keep my feelings to myself. whatever way i abandoned you just know that im stronger now and you dont deserve the things that happened.
moving forward i cannot let the people who care for me be hurt because of past actions. i loved you ol girl, but now i have to allow myself to feel again. i cant run from things knowing that im losing potential relationships because of fear. thats the good part of love anyway, you never know how it will turn out and im fine with that. now i am learning that i need to enjoy the ride instead of checking the rearview. ✌🏾
dededos
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
snowghoul
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
