Rhinoceros Children

Remembering the pop culture you've tried to forget

[y2kontrol]

Here’s a little video that, to me, is the epitome of 90′s flash in the pan amazingness. A crappy movie based on a cartoon, a crappy one hit wonder boy band, a crappy music video for said crappy boy band incorporating clips from said crappy movie. 

I know very little about Youngstown, except that they hail from Youngstown, Ohio. A glance (that’s all it takes since there’s not much to it) at their wikipedia article tells me they appeared on several Disney movie soundtracks AND did a single with Kel Mitchell (that is a BIG get!)

This video has a bunch of footage from the Inspector Gadget movie that I’m gonna skip over, which doesn’t leave me with much to rip apart, but I’m gonna try it anyway. Cuz this is a good 90′s deep cut.

If the sound clip of the Inspector Gadget theme wasn’t enough, we get a cog opening the video as the boys thug walk onto the white set, that I’m thinking is supposed to give us a futuristic vibe?

There is A LOT of this trio getting up in the camera and pointing in this video. I know this is a boy band staple and I am very curious as to who started this move?? 

Youngstown back at it again with the flying cogs! Was honestly, not expecting this costume change OR this choreographed dance. 

OK was DEFINITELY not expecting sexy Inspector Gadget backup dancers.

Ohhh, girl, we’re inspectin’ you! ;) ;)  Totally get the magnifying glass, but hey, commit to this and leave the trench coats on too!

And then they thug walk out...

Okay, so Youngstown didn’t have to do much to make this music video since a majority of it was movie footage. These poor dudes probably thought they were on a rocket to superstardom when their song got put in a movie with Matthew Broderick. Sorry guys, but a sub par movie isn’t going to launch an unknown boy band to fame. Especially when there were so many other options available at the time. A for effort thought!

[y2kontrol]

Oh, god bless the early 2000′s and the obsession with trash culture. If trucker hats, Ed Hardy clothing and XTINA wasn’t enough for you, the one hit wonder Willa Ford was probably right up your alley. I mean, look at the thumbnail for this video...the people controlling her vevo did’t choose a shot of her face, or of her dancing. No. They went for a shot of he kookah in booty shorts. If  that alone doesn’t speak volumes about what we’re in for, then IDK what does.

Before I dive into this video (it’s gonna be a long one...there is a lot I have to say) I decided to learn more about Willa Ford. According to her wikipedia, she portrayed Anna Nicole Smith in “The Anna Nicole Smith Story”, appeared in the Lingerie Bowl..which I was not aware was a thing, hosted Pants Off Dance Off, and had a guest spot with the Pussy Cat Dolls in Vegas. If that isn’t an impressive trashtastic early new millennia resume, IDK what is.

 Now lets get into this video mess. I’m going to try and keep this short, but I make no promises, as there is TOOOOOO much to work with.

The opening shots shows us Willa rolling up to a club on a impressive looking bike. But Willa, honey...those shorts? Are those really good to wear when riding a crotch rocket? Aren’t you afraid your gonna get burned? Or what if you fall? You’ll get ripped to shit! I do appreciate the wearing of the helmet, thought. Safety first!

Willa enters the club, and we know shes all that cuz she goes right up to the DJ and kisses him. Apparently her kiss is *hypnotizing* because he gets all confused and has to sit down for a spell while she takes his lapse to put her record on the turn table. Also, whoever approved the font for the video credits deserves to be fired.

So, after spinning her song, and grinding on a bunch of guys, Willa is seen leaving “da club” (which looks more like a house that porn would be filmed in...cuz it’s probably a house that porn is filmed in.) She uses her hypno kiss powers on the valet to get into this fancy car and drive it off. In laments terms, kiddies, Willa commits grand theft auto.

Willa is feeling herself while driving the stolen car. What really gets my goose is she isn’t wearing a seat belt. Come on girl you wear a helmet on the bike but no seat belt? Foolish.

Oh, weird turn of events! She is caught and arrested for stealing the car and loaded into the back seat of a cop car. The cops enjoy a celebratory doughnut. Hows she gonna get out of this one??

Easily, I guess? Shes now back out of the car (never would happen, sorry honey) enjoys a doughnut with one of the arresting officers and then pulls him down with her. OHHH, I see. Blowjob. Clever!

AAAAAAAAAAAND she stole the cop car and drives off as the officers look on helplessly. Then comes the rap breakdown that I won’t bother covering because its just your usual music video fodder.

I guess at some point during her crime spree, Willa had time to pick up a leather coat and what I think is supposed to be a police hat (it looks more like a bell boy cap, in my opinion..) so she can cruise around in a stolen police vehicle without detection. Because the officers who she stole it from are all like “WHOAAAAAA” from her Willa Ford blowjob and haven’t called the incident in.

We end on this shot. And a disclaimer:

What a relief. I was afraid that Willa had a Dementor-esque effect with her kiss. (Honestly, I have made this joke before and wouldn’t mind that ability myself. But that’s another story)

So all in all, Willa wants to be bad, but not bad in a sexy way. Like a “commit serious felonies” kind of way. I like that. And I like this trashtastic video. But would I expect anything less than 100% from a woman who’s follow up single was called “ Sexysexobsessive”? No. No I would not.

[y2kontrol]

In the grand scheme of things, there were not nearly as many lady rockers in the late 90′s as there were pop princesses. Maybe I’m having a lapse in memory as I write this, but the only ones I can tick off as of right now are Queen Gwen, Shirley Manson, Courtney Love, Kathleen Hannah..okay so there were a few. 

But then there was also Bif Naked. I first saw her video on The Box. If you don’t remember The Box, it was that music video channel that you could call a 900 number and order the music video you wanted to watch from a menu that scrolled at the bottom of your TV. At midnight it turned to the Spice Channel and you could watch scrambled softcore porn.

Back during this time, I (let’s be real...and I still do) idolized chicks like Bif. The ones who were 100% themselves: they rocked out, wore cool clothes, had tatts that your mom could see, bared their midriff, wore black! Basically, the opposite of me at the time: a curly haired blonde girl with crooked buck teeth who wore clothes from Talbots that her mom picked out.(.and if I was lucky, Limted Too.)

 Seeing Bif, I instantly loved her bad ass tattoos and Betty Page hair cut. She scared me, but I wanted to be like her. I also remember her kind of reminding me of Chyna Doll with a little Feruaza Balk from the craft mixed in. I guess in my young mind, all punk rock gothy ladies I aspired to be looked alike...

(Ok, Now that I see them compared like this, I guess i wasn’t 100% wrong.)

I wanted to see if Bif’s bad ass persona in the video that introduced me to her held up after nearly 20′s years. Watch the video above! 

Ok, so we open on an office. The number 1 way to let the viewer know that the singer is about to burst in and show these button up preppies a thing or two. LOOK OUT PREPPIES

Ok, here she comes! With her band accompanying her, and her devil may care attitude. she is CLEARLY on a mission.

 Bif has killer abs that screamed for that belly chain. I can’t tell what her tattoos are, but they remind me of the tattoos the old punk rock guy who worked at Betsey Johnson with me had. Her guitarist is slaying me in the choker and daisy print tank combo, BTW.

Now comes this move, that she does several times in the video. Like, WHAT?? What is this move?? Is it talk to the hand? Is it a poorly choreographed shove? Is she using Jedi Mind Tricks? BIF tell me please??

Oh good! Looks like she found the guy that used to be cool rock and roll before he SOLD OUT in the office. (You know hes cool rock and roll cuz we see he has earrings and braclets) Also, the framed picture we see on the desk is picked up by Bif and she shoves it to his chest. We don’t get a clear view of what it is, but it looks like her. Uh oh! Ex boyfriend perhaps?

Okay, so what are these X’s about? Were you at a show last night? Are you straight edge? Does this just work with your edgy aesthetic?  So many questions. Also, the finger guns to the temples during the lyrics “Just a moment of weakness, should examine my head” is like, not the best combo. But now I’m just nit picking.

It ends with the people in the office applauding Bif and her band while she bows. The preppy sell outs love it. So do I, but like, I want to know why she and her band barged in uninvited, got in everyone’s face, performed a show, and then got a large applause? I guess some questions are best unanswered. 

If your in the mood for more Bif, listen to Twitch. I have this track on a mix tape from 1999 that a friend made for me when I told her I wanted to get into more punk music. Rock on.

[y2kontrol]

I sometimes wonder why people  thought they could get a bunch of musical acts together and do a song that would even remotely be as successful as USA for Africa or Band Aid. But the fact remains they tried, and in turn gave us this absolutely delightful tacky mess.

IDK WHAT the Bravo All Stars end goal with this song was...there is no specific message to the song or charity that they were raising funds for. They basically just want us all to let music heal our souls. Which is good enough, I suppose.

 If this song DID do anything of cultural importance, it’s that it brought together N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys, who were obviously mortal enemies. A quick google search of the song proves that the fans of each Boy Band are still at odds, as each group is credited as it being their own.

Despite this song coming from the Inspector Gadget soundtrack, there is no indication of this...Instead they give us a video that is tawny as hell and SO 90s. Just blast everyone with light to give them softened angelic lewks. Then, stick them against a white back round since there is no way in hell we can get them all in the same place all at once. Maybe throw in some pictures of kids with cleft pallets so people feel emotions.

I want to go through every single person that appears in this video, but I do NOT have the patience for that so here are some of my faves. (We’re going to deal with low res pics again. sorry)

This is the only appearance of anyone from N*Sync, despite them being credited as on the track.  I don’t  really care, though. Sorry Justin, I came for the Backstreet Boys. Not your sorry ass.

I thought this was Hanson at first., but according to the lyric breakdown, its a band called The Moffats. From what I can glean, they essentially are Hanson, but from Canada. There’s a bit of a Trench Coat mafia vibe going on here and I am not loving it.

A whole 42 seconds into the song, and FINALLY a Backstreet Boy shows up.  Why’d ya make me wait? BSB couldn’t be bothered to show up to the video set and shot their part in the recording studio. YAS divas. 

After the first chorus, we get to the money shots. Sperm baby Aaron Carter rocking a hair style that I would have killed for in 98 and a baby blue oversized track suit that is just working. Glad they covered all their bases and went for the toddler demographic too! Or Nick just called in a favor.

Second chorus brings us this wonderful shot of my boys. Kevin makes it abundantly clear that he wishes he was anywhere else in the world. I appreciate that, Kevin. You were always my second favorite.

A group shot filled with Europop stars that I am not at all familiar with, and up close are all kinda weird looking. I’m glad they all got the “Only wear bland neutral colors” memo.

The ending shot is this two hovering gold frames, BSB in one, rest of the crew in the other with this little girl in a nightie being showered in rose petals. So I guess this is supposed to be a benefit for children? IDK. 

This video was a roller coaster ride from start to finish. A spectacular look into a late 90′s vague “let’s make a difference” anthem. 

(For a list of the associated acts and the lines they sang, check out the description below the youtube video)

[y2kontrol]

702-"All I Want"

From the "Good Burger" Soundtrack. 1997 All Rights Reserved.

702, one of many girl groups in the late 90′s that tried their damnedest to be the next big thing.

These girls got the distinction of being on the soundtrack of the Good Burger movie. (Which is a criminally under rated flick). If there is one thing I’ve found, it’s if you have a movie made my Nickelodeon, the chances are you are going to find a treasure trove of forgotten jams on the soundtrack that will likely have an even better music video to go with it.

 This gem of a video involves the ladies of 702 applying for a job at Good Burger. They’re first asked if they can recite the catchphrase (conveniently held up on a cue card by Keenan). Wow, they can not only recite it, but be cute and sexy too! The follow up interview question is “Can you sing”. Well, as the fates would have it , they can!! And 702 is going to PROVE IT! 

 Ed and Dexter proceed to watch the girls perform, as they do, miming the antics of that horny, olde tyme cartoon wolf that was more than a bit skeevy.

I don’t know what it is about this time period and the trope of setting videos in either a fast food restaurant or the mall and then weaving in a flirty sub plot between the singer and some hunk and/or babe, but I LIVE FOR IT.

You can watch the video above. Lets look at these OUTFITS!!! (Apologies for the crappy screen grabs. High def versions of this video are non existent)

 Lewk 1: Crop top?  yas bitch. Brightly patterned, boot cut pants? UH, chyea. And although they’re not 100% visible in this picture...CHUNKY WHITE PLATFORM FLIP FLOPS? OF COURSE DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU?

Lewk 2: (Because this would be a pretty 3rd rate music video without a costume change) The more casual, sporty look. Sketchers, because BITCH, It’s THE S! Lots of spaghetti strap tank tops, and white pants we all wished we could get away with.

Lewk 3: the diva look. Proving to the viewer these gals just look so cute no matter what.  And obviously... get the Good Burger guys in there.