˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊Yaniiluv˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ

I’m new here •18 •pretty little liars 📸| what I love and what’s on my mind|

[yaniiluvs]

[natalieinterrupted]

[ghostfreakkmina]

I just can’t help it.

[yaniiluvs]

Depersonalization is so funny because why do I feel like I don’t exist while existing

[yaniiluvs]

I realized I really like being alone I feel the best person to be around is yourself. I always wanted a really close relationships with friends but something always gets in the way or I just wasn’t as close with them as much as I wanted to be. I couldn’t call them my best friend. I feel I have to wear a mask every time I hang out with any of them. But recently I have been more alone because I’m saving up for a car which means all I do is work and I became aware that most things I like to do requires me to be alone. Well that’s a little dramatic but these things are usually done alone. I used to think I was just shy but I’m more so asocial because I don’t really know what to say. I run out of words, begin to stutter, and ultimately just embarrass myself so to avoid it I keep it short and avoid it altogether. The thing I am afraid of is not to be alone now but when I am older. I mean imagine working everyday seeing the same faces and not having a friend to call to update them about your life. It sounds miserable. I had a group of friends that were amazing. We talked all the time and even when we went months without talking, we always knew we were still best friends, which I found a comfort in and to me that was my future so I never had anything to worry about, but when I switched states days became weeks weeks became months and months became years until it wasn’t an update on our life, but an update on who we were. We just weren’t the people that used to talk every other day. We were completely different people who barely knew how to speak to each other. With that being said we’re still very similar and even our time apart we grew the same way just a different story.

[yaniiluvs]

does anyone else have depersonalization oh gosh it’s terrible I just had a really bad episode and god I haven’t had it in so long. I felt completely disconnected from my body and everything was spinning so much I swear I could’ve died on the spot. I just ran to my room and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening I calmed down just a little I felt more grounded. Before I felt almost like I was freaking floating. It’s the worst thing on planet earth. When I first got it my life got flipped upside down I had like anxiety attacks all of the time and I even had to leave school because of it I wasn’t passing anyways because I started not sleeping because of these anxiety attacks so I was going to school on like 10 minutes of sleep and I felt unreal at school so it was hard to focus. I was in therapy for like a year and then I got better but now it’s happening again. I’m just really scared it’s so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have it how it feels. I guess just imagine you woke up as your favorite character in a show it’s like you recognize their face and lifestyle but it isn’t you none of this is your life I mean I don’t know that would scare the shit out of me clearly it does. I don’t know I truly don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror and it’s scary.

[yaniiluvs]

I saw this girl say that she wanted to expand her vocabulary because she wanted to be able to describe exactly what she’s feeling without having to say “like, you know, or basically.” Those type of things, but I kind of feel it’s very human to explain those things because sometimes even if you have the word for it, it’s not as deep as explaining exactly how it feels. That’s how I feel about poetry. Poetry could always be simplified into one word or one sentence but the beauty of it is that one word could actually be broken into millions of words to deepen the actual human experience. So I’m not crapping on the idea of expanding your vocabulary obviously but I feel like there is really such a beauty in really explaining how it feels to you instead of just saying a word one word that means the same thing.

[yaniiluvs]

I saw this title of a show or movie and it was titled “I used to be funny” and I really wanna watch that movie because that title reminded me so much of myself like I genuinely used to be someone that people want to be around, someone that could talk, and outgoing, extroverted. and now every time I talk to anyone I feel like disgusting. I feel like they don’t wanna talk to me they don’t wanna be around me. I am a weirdo you know I just really miss who I used to be.

[yaniiluvs]

I really want soft love because I feel like I am very sensitive and I just need someone who will know how to talk to me but then again sometimes I like to stay with someone who doesn’t because it feels better to know what to expect from a bad person than to be disappointed by someone you thought was good. And sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve a good person.

[yaniiluvs]

i’m actually so sensitive and I feel like because people see me as nonchalant or not caring that they also see me as a person that doesn’t feel but it’s just not true. That’s why whenever someone sees me actually liking someone I get very attached and I need their emotional support. That’s actually kind of wrong. I don’t need their emotional support. I just need them. I guess I do need emotional support. I don’t know how else to say this like I don’t like the commentary like “it’s gonna be all right.” I’m more like need you to like push those thoughts away like be my distraction.

[yaniiluvs]

I would say I’m not the most romantic girl ever like I don’t really like people touching me. I like my personal space and my personal time and everyone always tells me like “how are you supposed to have a boyfriend you act like that you hardly even want to be with anyone ever”and it’s like yeah that’s true. That’s why I really don’t want a boyfriend because I need me time and I like to put me first and if you can’t understand that I can’t be with you but like nowadays, people feel like if you’re not with your boyfriend or girlfriend all the time and want to talk to them all the time and give them your password to everything then you’re cheating or you don’t actually like them. I don’t really care. I won’t be doing any of those things.

[yaniiluvs]

OK so like when I was really Christian, I used to have this weird addiction and it was a pretty bad sin, but it was only hurting me wasn’t a sin that hurt other people I mean I feel like most sins only hurt you, but I posted it on social media and I didn’t specify what it was. I just said that it was a problem that I need to get rid of. Why did somebody think that it was daydreaming? I forgot what it’s called but when you like intensively daydream like you almost clock out of reality and that’s so funny because I do do that So much like at work I just blank out randomly and then like somebody’s like are you OK and I’m OK. I just think so intensively that I forget that I’m even alive anymore. it’s also funny because my sister used to want to put me on with dudes so that I can have like a boyfriend or something and there was this specific guy that I would say was like popular or one of the cool people I guess and he did like me back but he kinda liked everyone so it wasn’t really a flex. It wasn’t an achievement. I didn’t feel special from it, but she saw me blanking out like I always do and she told me literally to my face. Don’t do that in front of him and it was funny, but I do it so often I don’t know how I could not do that I just am so checked out of reality all the time

[yaniiluvs]

It’s so funny to think about the things I used to not be afraid to say about myself because I didn’t think it was something bad to say even though I know others got judged for it. I feel like it wasn’t a big thing to normal people, but now I can’t even tell my closest friends if I even have those about the smallest thing and it’s like I don’t even think they would really judge me, but it’s Like they will see me as a different person I guess and honestly all of my old friends know this, but none of my new friends know this thing about me and it feels like a secret, but I don’t really know if it is. Is it just that they didn’t ask or am I too afraid to say it?

[wildnickk]

[yaniiluvs]

I remember once I was arguing with my sister and she started crying and I told her basically you’re just emotional and we all go through it. You just cry about it and then little after that I started crying about the same topic.😭😭😭 but like it’s different because she started crying right off the bat like I started crying after realizing how much it made me feel. Anyways it was kinda embracing but like it’s ok

[yaniiluvs]

Guys I miss him. I feel like I was so easy to let go. I feel like I’m so easy to let go of all the time I just wish so badly that I was worth a lot to someone I feel like I’m always replaceable sometimes I just want someone to need me so I try to do everything and then I realize you will never be the one for them. (This is also talking about platonic relationships) I mean it’s about him but it’s really about everything. I’m so afraid what my future has for me will I always be like this. I understand why I’m never first or second or top 5 in someone’s life I’m just not the kind of person people want to be around I’m always just the backup. I don’t know it just kind of sucks because I thought maybe he would try to fight for me more it just felt so easy for him to let me go. But I told someone about it and they said “what would you rather him do if he begged you to stay he’d be pressuring you or if he was more mad about it we would’ve ended off on a bad note.” I mean really he respected my decision but I don’t know I always felt like he was just settling for me like when I was in public I would look at other girls and start feeling bad about myself because I just felt if he saw them too he’d probably leave me for them. I don’t think the words he used to say to me stuck on him the same it did to me.

[yaniiluvs]

I think I’m so funny when I’m tired like once I was texting this guy while tired and we’re just having a normal conversation. Why did I send something that made sense when I sent it but then he sent back “???” And I re-read my message and it was like “asdneg” I still don’t know what I was trying to say but I just apologized and said I was really tired 😭😭😭

[yaniiluvs]

guys u did something so bad and I feel so bad because of it. Ugh I'm such a bad person

[yaniiluvs]

I spend so much time overthinking if I should do something or not literally until I don’t have the choice but not to.