Unknown

[sinligh]

In an alternative universe, i can imagine another version of myself

one in a stable relationship happy in the arms of a lover.

Toned down paranoia, and Indulgent pleasure.

I worry that that version of me is delusional

in love, but alone in it that I’ll somehow miss the signs of an emotionally absent partner the way I missed my father…

And yet, I’ll come up with excuses because I never felt comfortable with pointing my finger

that I’ll overcompensate.. Nest in the apex of their heart and believe that there’s no way higher

that the hierarchy is nothing but guilt inducing anger.

It's easy to love me;

i grew up in a household where it's acceptable to sacrifice your own soul in exchange of feeling like your existence is convenient.

As years went by, I learned to love that feeling eventually more than life itself..

i lost a lot of myself watching my mother hand feed me all that she is, all that she wanted to be, then sneak bites of who she was before she had me..

now, i think i can be whoever a lover needs me to be.

Then when they’re not around I’ll let my pieces fall down and hope that somehow they’ll align…

this terrifies me...

I don't want to settle and passive smoke my own life, set in the corner and inhale the damage even when it isn't mine.

I love love, I just don’t think it’s for me...

In a lecture about addiction, our doctor said

“The neurobiology of love is the same as neurobiology of addiction"

To me, that makes sense for i lose all my edges whenever I'm submerged in a wave of it.

My ends melt trying desperately to reach out even when i don't really know how to direct them to anyone other than myself

Paint them orbits to circle around me and feed them rays of hope

"our paranoia won't last forever"

At least that's what I whisper as i try to keep them close enough, not too much;

I don't want eternity

“I only wanna die someday”

I wrap them around me every night until i suffocate in an embrace trying to comfort all the atoms of love that are lost in me...

I’ll come to an end; and you'll be free.

•••

•Quotes: Roland Barthes/ Angelea Lowes/ Anaïs Nin/Mahmoud Darwish/Mary Oliver/ Ottessa Moshfegh/Elaine Kahn/ Natalie Wee/Carole Maso/Tracy K. Smith/Halsey/chelsea g. summers/ Anne Sexton.

•Original context: sinligh

•Art reference:

1. Art by Lisa Lach-Nielsen. 2.Quoted, 2008, oil on linen by Jen Mazza. 3. Choke, 2008, oil on linen by Jen Mazza. 4. Ceruse 87, 2008, oil on linen by Jen Mazza. 5. A girl with pomegranate (detail) by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. 6. An Interior with a woman seated by Lampligt by Christian Valdemar Clause Danish. 7. Photo by Soul Eom. 8. "two people" by Mila Plaickner. 9.Art by Lisa Lach-Nielsen

P.s: writing this felt like:

“It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me”

Song rec:

[tudoqueeusou]

[javarisx-fightingthosedemons]

[yannymz]

Factions to fraction our affections

[bnmxfld]

“I used to build dreams about you.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald / Benediction

[yannymz]

Every time you clock in the morning, I feel you just want to kill

All my innocence while ignorin' my purpose to persevere

As a better person; I know you heard this and probably in fear

good kid - Kendrick Lamar

[yannymz]

You wanna know what's so funny?

I refused to be like them, I refused to obey them and they refused to give me their love in hopes I'd wither away

So I went looking for my way and I found so much more than they could ever lay.

They felt the wrong way, putting conditions to love, because they could not love me, not what I was taught, guess they never found love.

And why should I feel down guilty in my thoughts, so much back talk for a bet lost. How low can you go to take control? For how long? You seem so alone with the thoughts that you hold, you're cure and the cause, you are your worst flaw.

I go out and look for love, I find I am lusted, you go out to look for love, you find you are lost. All I need to adorn my thoughts is the love, not the kind you put conditions to, I'm unconditional too so what are you conditioning to if it ain't any smoother?

You get what you give, if you aren't any happier, why not make a change? 'Cause you love shit that's fake, you love then you hate. You wanna switch places? Put down that blade. Learn to lose to gain, but winning is engrained in all that you take. Haven't you heard drake? You give but you can't take. So why is that you take me? I'm the one to blame because you can't lose just as you can't love. You can lust and that's why you're lost in search of love.

[thedarkacademiastuff]

The blood on my teeth begins to taste like a poem, like religion, like the way you look at me.

- Sean Glatch.

[yannymz]

I'm tired of being too much for them, nothing extra but what they lack, ambition and focus all left for dead chasing ass and here I am praying for cash but dad doesn't seem to be on the other hand to pick up the land.

When I'm wearing the hat I'm a trooper, and if I call my shooters we'll rack up on the dead to fuel the hell, no questions asked. Pull the trigger and watch them fall at the ring of the bell as if they were to remember where they were last, too drunk to ask the taste of the brand, lard-arse, wanna lose weight by burning sinapse, work out that last before you send them to mass.

I pray my opponents find the light of the Lord, poor lambs were lost in sin, in lust, envy, a must, deadbeats beat love until she drunk to fill the void. Find me a soul to kill the dough, president love, face of the north.

- One.

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[yannymz]

Friendship, company

A ship about to sink

What'll we say to the company

Walking on the sea

To some place we want to be

I hope you can swim

Scared your feet will sink

Love stinks when you come from the river to the sea

[yannymz]

When I start talking of myself, my ego overinflates.

Am I proud of myself? Why wouldn't I be?

Is pride a bad thing? I guess it depends.

Does your pride make you better than anyone else? I guess your pride is bad.

How is mine any diferent? I don't think I'm better than nobody.

What am I so proud of? Little things I pour bits of my soul into in hopes of making it a little extra.

I passed the broom 5 times before moving to the next tile. I made sure to cut things evenly. I peeled the orange "perfectly". I mixed it thoroughly.

The effort i pour into what i do allows me to feel pride for what I do. Is it any better than what anyone else could muster? Probably not. But then again, it wasn't made by just anyone else. It was made by me. What makes it special is that i did it to the best of my ability. Shouldn't i feel proud? I think I should.

I guess everybody loves sucking their own cocks.

[yannymz]

I sometimes feel guilty for feeling happy. It's as if i felt like i owed the world, when i have payed my debts with my soul.

I'm fine on my own, but i'm scared to feel whole. It's as if i deserved to be disowned. As if I didn't have one of my own. All because I feel fine all alone.

I felt the fire, and I burned them down.

Should I fear dying?

I couldn't lie to my soul.

I couldn't fake, it's my doom.

Maybe you could relate to my truth if you weren't faking it to look cool.

If you could step into my shoes, you'd be a staple, looked up to. Learned that real is so cool.

Rare like a steak, bleed so blue.

Love is just me in you.

[yannymz]

Jason Barlow: Why do people like Kimi Räikkönen?

Kimi Raïkkonnen: [slightly exasperated] Why do I need to answer this? I tend to be myself. I do things I feel that are correct for myself. Sometimes my bosses don’t think the same way but I don’t care. I think you need to do stuff your way and be happy. And if you’re happy things can be good

[yannymz]

What hurts the most is that I stop loving myself and I feel like I don't deserve the love. And even though the love remains, I just can't seem to feel it. I became estranged to my own thoughts.

[vinte-de-agosto]

I,

Tua alma é de uma leveza extraordinária.

[yannymz]

I was waiting all night for you to come home

I was waiting for your call, but lost my phone

Baby, you keep me in the dark in your hollowed throne

Baby, Turn on the lights, i want an all out show