White Flower

in stars, you'll see my petals

[yasminue]

64

Think I should be getting used to the higher count each year, yet I never really realize this is saying that you've been since the count 57. I'm getting older too. Life and death are crazy. You can't really grasp it fully into reality, it's always been a blend with 'what could have been', dreams, hopes, and memories.

I can't tell them exactly what kind of legend you were while you were here. They won't understand. Nobody could. There were points in my life where I didn't believe it either. All I know is this separation broke my heart and I'm still figuring out what and where to put it back together.

Still feels like a long way to go.

[yasminue]

Just stepping into the doorstep of a spring day, looking above, you just knew something is how it's supposed to be. One revelation, a reason for why things happened the way they did. At the time, it felt unfair, it felt rushed... you wanna stay, it's a feeling that you know you're not meant to... and now you know what it is. And now you don't want to change a thing about it. How it's written in the stars all along. How chapters of adventure sometimes end too beautifully you don't want to part with it, but the next page is already flipping. You step into a new one without having to wonder what's next. Ready or not.

[yasminue]

Look Now

I've fought through battles in some stranger places. I've been in fight with myself. Been in a fight with the world. All because I wanted it all, maybe. Or did I really just want to make it difficult? Did I just look for a fight for the hell of it. Was it in the senseless victories, was it in the brokenness of the losses. Did I fight just to keep myself from going down into madness? I couldn't find meanings in the hearts I called home. Was I lurked into the fights, did I find myself amid, or was it there under my feet all along?

So, look now. I'm in stranger places.

[yasminue]

One word would have changed the entirety of the trajectory of life, and that was one word, I thank God, did not escape my throat at that particular time. Or maybe I just said the opposite.

Was it a yes instead of a no? Was it "stay" instead of "goodbye"? Maybe it was the one word that sets apart lies from the truth. Maybe that was it all along, or maybe it was the timing that felt so wrong at the rightest time. Maybe it is a crime that I think about it now. Still, it was bewitching. Word I can't remember now. What was it, was it what I actually wanted? Was it the truth I chose to bury all along? Or was it just a play from a long, long, lost script?

One word.

[yasminue]

Footnote

As I'm about to close another chapter of my life, I realize that this one has just one too many footnotes. It's just too rich of wisdom. The way I learn, it used to be through the hardest ways, one punctuation after the other. What I know about life's throwing lemons at you was to take the damage or run away, but this one, feels like a grace period to actually catch that lemon. Surely, it's a weird ass analogy. But if this whole chapter is an analogy, it is like a sunrise after a dark, stormy night. You just one morning wake up, the sky is clear, with the smell of rain, and you take your first sip of coffee, and you just know that you don't want to stay in the house for the whole day.

[yasminue]

63

It’s his birthday today. I had always wondered what he was like when he was a child. Was he a little silly, funny, tenacious, or mischievous?

Was he ever running free in the field, falling into the mud laughing? Was he a bright child? For that, I am confident. Was the world ever kind to him? Could he cry? What are his regrets? What was he scared of?

How did he grow up? How did he grow old?

All those questions, all the what ifs, the all that could have would have should have, they are all buried with him at 57. Where time suddenly just froze, and it has been five years. Kind of cruel, isn't?

Life that brought so much suffering , is the same one that put me on top of the mountain looking up and around right now? Do you see me? Are you proud of what I become?

[yasminue]

Sometimes, it goes so crowded inside my head, and I have to lay down for a while, sick of listening to the same old complains, it's disturbing. Sometimes I just lay down and let my mind wander, muffling the noise, 'til it gets really quiet, and I succumb to the nothingness.

[yasminue]

2024

2024 is coming to an end in a few hours. I haven’t had a lot to write this year, and I’m glad that I went out a lot this year, I did some things I could only dream of doing my whole life. I took few leaps of faith. There were also storms, violent ones, but at the same time, I never felt braver to face them.

This place has something else, like river, hills, mountain, and creek I didn't know I would love so much. The struggles felt new and exciting, I found the version of myself that didn't really care how I look in the mirror, and just glad to see the one that looked back at me was with a smile.

This was my year. I'm sure.

[yasminue]

unknown reasons

they say that things for a reason. That it will, someday, make a sense, and only then you know what's all the agony has been for, and tell you justifiably, in a way, why it chose you. Why you were kept waiting, hoping, and hurting. Why it never feels like fair nor easy.

yet, over time, I kept all these folders buried, of unfinished affairs, unanswered questions, and endless what-ifs. Just the way it should be. This exact feeling is just how it supposes to be. What it is. Whatever the reasons are. It is about you and it is what it is.

[yasminue]

I wish I could brush it off like a passing wind, blowing through my hair, oh how I wish I could be so ignorant. I wish I couldn't read what's written in the stars, or in their faces.

But why does sometimes light breeze feel like a storm, why does little drizzle feels like thunder, why does the hurt doesn't heal as fast...

it's bewitching, is it not?

or is it the curse of empathy?

[yasminue]

If I were, to face a downfall, I would know it in the air that I breath and I would be lying on the concrete ground, breathless, hoping for a gentle break As it always was, the fear was greatest, and no amount of pray or mitigation could dull the foreseen pain, and know that I never learn, oh whatever all of this agony for. And as I go down further the hole, I realize there is no gold medal or reward for being hurt. There's no scoreboard for being pathetic, there's no winning mentioned, it's just normal sky awaited after the long pours.

It is what it is. It's a downfall, I might stay there for a while. Be sad about it, until it all turns numb. Wherein sometimes the lesson is to unlearn it all, or maybe lesson learn is overrated.

[yasminue]

trying not to make a sound while walking on eggshells, you know it's only going to delay the hurt. it's true, there's no use in dragging the deceased horse all through the fair, it's no use pouring potion into something's dead. You may as well bury it and walk away, knowing healing hurts, but at least you know what you are leaving it all for. Never easy, never will be. Blind hopes that something magical happens and revive it, it will never be the case. There's no use crying by the grave of old memory or fantasy or all that could-have-been. If it's meant to be it will be, and that can be said for all. What's been done is done, there's no way turning back the past, there's no point looking back and crying about it.

[yasminue]

time

we will all pass that time of regrets, eventually. about love, life and everything in between. they don't seem to ever break even, the love you had, the love you received, what's been given and taken away. not everything has to mean something, it is just what it is, and you became sad because you got hurt by the same thing over and over, and wonder why you allow that to happen, just because.

as much as I'm trying to make it make sense, it doesn't, but something tells me that someday it will. and only by then, I would know the reason, or the lesson, or everything in between. or maybe it won't even happen, like closure doesn't really exist, and then it will a piece of memory, lost in the limbo, for what it's worth.

[yasminue]

62

Every May 9th I would try to reach for little pieces of you that are still here, your clothes, sarung, olive perfume, anything. But this year, I'm thousand miles from home, and looking around, there's only me, and there's only so much of you that lives in me.

You should be turning 62 today, the forth birthday I don't celebrate with you, though it feels like decades. Losing someone is losing the track of time. You still feel their warmth long after they're gone.

Happy heavenly birthday, Dad.

[yasminue]

Take a step back. Hear. Take a step back. Heal.

[yasminue]

It's gonna be over before I knew it. Just like everything before. And then I'd look back and it'll look like something else. I'd break and mend and break again. Though things won't be alright all the time, no matter what, I couldn't always say that I tried my best and that all would be okay. And the looming question that sometimes I couldn't answer is, why could I fight tooth and nail like my life depends on it for things that I'm not even sure I want, but not for thing that haunts me in my sleep every night?

[yasminue]

Cold, dark lifeless bodies collided with the last warmth of sight. I watched the war from a far. No, it wasn't entirely a war, and unfortunately I can't see the end of it. As every hurt and sadness scattered in the blazing sky, a little piece of me died and woke up just to die again. Raging fire claimed heartbeats, but they can't claim souls, which are too good for this world. I'm sad and it's getting sadder for things that will have been done. Though I believe that someday, in a different way, life will find a way to serve justice.