Final Update
Yesterday was my last day of high school. I’ve cried for hours for the past three days thinking about leaving M. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve been through. Although I have a boyfriend now, I can’t say that I’m completely over M. That’s a hard thing for me to say and I feel so guilty about it. I just can’t ignore that fact that I’ve felt so connected to this man for the past three years. Not being able to see him almost every day is going to be so heart wrenching and awful.
I stayed after class to talk to him yesterday. We talked about college and my career goals. He asked me if I needed any books to read over the summer and gave me so many recommendations. He really cares. I told him I just wanted to talk to him before I left and he said “good.” I told him how much he meant to me and how much this class meant to me. He told me he noticed how much better I did this year. I said it’s crazy that it’s been 3 years and he laughed(which you all know he never does) and said “yeah, we’ve had a lot of talks over the years.” I looked at him, on the verge of tears, and told him I didn’t want to cry. He looked me in the eyes. It was that look again. So much care and softness and concern in his eyes. I’m going to miss that look. He told me “You need to feel what you need to feel. Don’t think about what other people see.” I started sobbing. He asked me to take a picture of us together. That it might help me stop crying. It only made it harder. He looked at the picture afterward and joked that he didn’t have to smile because we were wearing masks. I looked at it. He was very obviously smiling. I couldn’t bring myself to leave that room. I stayed in there with him for so long. I didn’t care about my next class. I just needed this moment with him.
What was so nice about this was that there were moments of comfortable silence. It didn’t feel strained at all. It was just so right. It felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. That’s exactly what was happening. He asked me to come visit him. He asked me to email him whenever I wanted to talk.
I finally left and broke down as I was walking down the halls. It can’t just end like this.
I went back to his class at the end of the day before I left that school forever. My friend from that class was there and she said to me “I can’t say I’ll see you tomorrow anymore” so I said “well I’ll see you eventually” then I turned to M and he looked at me. That look again. I pointed at him and said “I’ll see you eventually too” he said “yes you will” and he told me to email him at the beginning of the next school year to ask him when his planning period is going to be next year so I know when I can come visit him. He wants to see me again. That’s the only relief I have.
He has been one of the most important people in my life for 3 years. It’s just over now. I won’t get to see him every day. I won’t get to hear him talk for an hour every day. I won’t get to sit right in front of him and notice all the little things every day. But I know I’ll see him again. We’ll be friends again. Who knows where my life will take me with him. I just can’t wait to talk again to the man who’s made me who I am today. I truly do love him. While it’s not romantic, I love him so much.
