My Voice Will Be Heard

For the person who fights speech everyday. Who needs someone to know how they feel without being judged. I stutter, I always will, and I'm going to be okay.

[yesididstutter]

My name will have as many letters as I give it

My name will have all the letters I give it. All the pauses, the breaks, the breaths, whatever I want to give it. Because it’s mine and it’s my business and my life and not the butt of a joke. Recently I saw this article about someone who was made fun of twice at Starbucks.

I made the mistake of reading through the comments and not surprisingly a lot of them were all about how maybe the person was too sensitive and maybe it was meant as a joke but turned out bad. Maybe all of those things are right. Except that doesn’t make it right.

This guy tried to order a drink and added extra letters to his name. Not only did the barista verbally mock him, they spelled their name on the cup with extra letters. Perhaps they were trying to be witty. Perhaps they just made themselves look like an ass hole.

The thing about my stutter is it is absolutely none of your business. It is mine, it is annoying, but it still isn’t yours. Not your business, not your punch line, not your joke to make.

Not understanding something is not an excuse to make fun of it. Not realizing something is not an excuse to make fun of it. My name will have as many letters as I give it and that’s not funny at all. It’s just my name.

[yesididstutter]

Everyday I Stutter

I have woken up everyday for 23 years. I have stuttered everyday for nearly as many years. I will, hopefully, go to sleep tonight, God willing, I’ll wake up tomorrow, and guaranteed, I will stutter then too. It won’t go away as long as I don’t either. As much as I may hate it, my stutter is apart of me. It’s apart of my story but it will not be the period at the end of my sentence. It’s just a comma, telling me to take a break. A semi colon saying, hey pause and start again. As long as I’m here, my stutter is too. But there are worse places I could be, worse things I could have. I wake up and so does my stutter but that does not mean my confidence gets to sleep.

[yesididstutter]

I love your blog. It's great knowing that there are other people who have the same problems as I do ❤

Hi! Thank you so much! I was just beating myself up about never updating but I’m so glad someone can relate. <3

[yesididstutter]

A Worthy Voice

A stop in your speech does not mean you aren’t worthy of being heard. It means life is crazy unfair and you unfortunately have this block you have to deal with. And it’s so hard. And it’s so unfair. And it’s so okay to acknowledge that. It really truly is. You’re not feeling bad for yourself if you’re just acknowledging what’s happening. Not all of us are going to be those motivational kids in Facebook videos that have all the right things to say. And that’s okay. Because no one is going to have the balls to ask you why your voice shakes. And if they do, you have a fabulous platform and a beautiful voice to use to tell them. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to take away the beautiful, strong, worthy of being heard, voice you have.

[yesididstutter]

Anxiety Roulette

For anyone with anxiety, introducing yourself is like a game of roulette. My classes started this week and I, of course, had that one professor that made us go around the room and introduce ourselves. Except the thing is, this “game” feels like a nightmare. I can’t focus on what my major is, what year I am, let alone saying my name, because I’m too freaked out I have to speak at all. And as the game passes around the room, a new person introduces themselves. And that’s another empty bullet in the barrel. Until it’s my turn, and there I am. Gun to my head, palms sweating, throat closing in and the panic is racing my will power to the finish line, gaining speed by the minute. It’s like a sick game that my anxiety and my stutter double team me for. They know my chances of scoring are slim but they gang up anyway, to take down the weakest player. But, it’s soon my turn, and I do what I’m supposed to: I pull the trigger. I struggle through, I take a breathe, and I pass it on, to the next poor soul who chances getting hit. Because the thing about anxiety is that it doesn't leave: it just waits in the chamber for its own turn.

[yesididstutter]

Would anyone be interested in a stutter podcast?

I have no idea how to set up a podcast but I’ve been thinking about starting one..? Would anyone be interested and listen or have topics or anything? I know there are a few but they mainly tell other peoples stories. I’d like to stay focused on keeping it general and applying it to everyone. I don’t know. But for real.. please let me know.

[yesididstutter]

What you can’t have

You know the ironic thing about stuttering is it is a constant game of wanting what you can’t have. You want to order something specific, ask a question, say something, but you can’t. You just want fluency but you can’t have that either. One won’t necessarily solve the other, but it sure would help. And its infuriating. Have I tocuhed on that yet? It’s simply infuriating. Because no matter how much you want it, there’s not a whole lot you can do. So people’s reaction is to tell you to want something else. Want to have a day of fluency, to be happy, to enjoy yourself. But I want what I can’t have. I already said that. I just want it. Because everyone else gets it. So why can’t I. I’ll stutter right through that menu because damnit Louis I want my steak medium well. What I can’t have is permanent in the case of my stutter, but I can still have what I can’t have, because I want it.

[yesididstutter]

Stand Up

Now this is a personal story that I'm going to turn into a plea so bear with me. Today at lunch, I had a hell of a time ordering. So my aunt says, "just point to it". I cried all through lunch and in the Uber I got just to escape the situation. The worst part was that my mom and sister were there and said nothing. They've spent more time with me than anyone and didn't care to stand up. I can't even order lunch without being picked on. By my own family. And then they won't stand up for me. This one is for the non-stutterers: stand up. Be an ally. Help our voices be heard. No one will ever shame you for sticking up for them. They'll shame you for talking over them as if their stutter is taking up too much of their time. Stand up for your voice, his voice, her voice, their voice. Stand up, tall.

[yesididstutter]

Everyone’s a Doctor

People love to give me their opinion of why I have a stutter or how to fix it. Especially now that I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. 

“Maybe your stutter is because of your anxiety”

“This medicine will help mellow you out. It might help with your stutter too.”

My favorite was a psychiatrist telling me to talk slowly and see if that would help. What a novel idea. I can Wikipedia too, bud. The reason this bothers me so much, is because I never asked for your help or advice on this. I told you about it to explain myself and let you know what’s going on. Not to get your advice, that I know has good intentions. I see this and I realize this, but the thing is, I don’t need a doctor. I just need you to say okay and move on. Not suggest I get a brain scan to see if I have a tumor. Not to tell me my disorder is causing another one. I just need you to listen. Not everyone’s a doctor. And that’s okay. 

[yesididstutter]

Timeout for Ignorance

I put a kid in timeout because I misunderstood what she said due to her speech impediment and I did what society does to me everyday. I teach preschool to a room full of children that each have their own unique characteristic and one has a problem with enunciating her words. She goes to speech, but I don’t think mom can “afford” (make herself care enough) to take her as often as she needs to go. So today when I was serving grilled cheese and I heard her say “shut up” it never occurred to me she was asking for “ketchup”. Once she sat down, she kept looking at me with this face that told me she was generally confused. Then I took a second to listen to her, and I understood what she was saying. And the thing is, I just did a terrible thing because I didn’t take a second to clarify her words. I am constantly being put in timeout because taking a second to clarify is one second too many. Instead of asking again, having patience, or just being an understanding person, I get put in timeout and separated from everyone else. Speech impediments are a part of life and because this kid is someone who actually would tell me to shut up, my brain jumped there. Who the hell puts ketchup on a grilled cheese? She thought it was a hamburger. She didn’t know and I punished her for just trying to improve her lunch. Everyday I just try to live, and I get put in timeout because I’m misunderstood. Today I put a kid in timeout, just like society does to me, because of ignorance.

PS: I apologized to this kid and we talked it over. She even had seconds.

[yesididstutter]

hi, it's me again after ages! i just wanted to share this with you because i know you truly understand me... long story short i managed to make a phone call and be fluent and i swear i felt my self esteem warming me up from inside, i felt it physically, it soared and i couldn't fight a smile from spreading on my face... some days are really hard but then it's these small victories that make it all worthwhile, don't you think? i hope your day goes well too :)

WEE!!! I’m so excited for you! YES!! Isn’t this the best feeling?! It honestly makes everything seem so much better and just brightens your day. That light in the dark makes the whole day better. Thank you for sharing this, it made MY DAY!

[yesididstutter]

I Stand Alone

One thing that bothers me to no end is when people cut me off mid stutter to try and guess what I’m trying to say. I understand that you’re trying to help, but honestly that’s just as bad as laughing at me. You acknowledging my problem and addressing it in your own way, only helps you. Meanwhile I’m still stuck and embarrassed I couldn’t do that myself. If I really need your help, I’ll ask. But for now, leave me to struggle with my words and be there for me when I need to rant about it. Cutting me off won’t help anything because this is a fight I stand alone in.

[yesididstutter]

Difficult isn’t Impossible

For anyone whose ever danced, professionally or not, you know it’s all about the rhythm and for the most part, you need to hear it to participate. Nyle DiMarco won “Dancing With the Stars” as a deaf adult and the reason this is so important is because he did what most people think a disabled person can’t do: he conquered. So much of my daily life is me trying to conquer things: getting through the work day, cleaning my room, doing dishes, etc. But the difference is, these are things nearly anyone with a speech impediment can handle. Dancing, while not being able to hear the music, is something most people wouldn’t even think to dream about. Yet here this guy is, doing a flawless job and coming out on top because he can. I’m so proud, happy and just grateful, really, that there is someone out there, with a disability (because it really doesn’t matter that it isn’t the same as mine) who recognized that difficult isn’t impossible and went on to set that example for millions of people. A disability isn’t a finish line, it’s a hurdle.

[yesididstutter]

Hiding in the Open

One thing I’ve heard people say and I’ve said myself, is something about being able to hide my stutter. I choose when to talk and switch my words around pretty quickly that I can ‘hide’ my stutter pretty well, for the most part. I most definitely have my days but I’ve heard people bring this up to me before. The thing is, I’m not trying to hide my stutter, I’m just trying to accommodate it for my own comfort. Hiding it would mean I’m ashamed or embarrassed. I mean yeah it’s hella embarrassing but more than that I switch around words or choose not to talk or utilize different tools because my own comfort is what’s most important. I mean what do I have to hide? I have a speech impediment and it sucks but that’s that. That’s all there is to it, nothing else to say or to hide behind. I catch each curve ball life throws at me one at a time, and sometimes I get to throw one of my own by ‘hiding’ my stutter, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still hiding in the open. 

[yesididstutter]

I’m OK but You Aren’t: An open letter to my boss

The thing about my stutter, is I’ve accepted it. I know what it is, how to handle it, and I’m okay with that. But the thing is, I know you aren’t, and that’s okay too. You’ve probably never heard anyone have one before and unless you have, it’s hard to understand. I get that, and that’s why I’m writing you this letter. But I’m also writing to tell you that it isn’t going to stop me and if it does throw me off, I can get right back on track. You see the thing is, I know how to handle it and I know it’s just a part of my daily life, but other people, clients, don’t, and I also know that. So yeah, calling people and confronting people is real hard for me and I haven’t brought this up with you yet because how do I explain this without you feeling like you have to do my job for me and how do I explain this without making myself feel like I’m using my stutter as an excuse? Because the thing I really want you to know, is that it isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation. If you’re comfortable with me calling and confronting clients, I’ll do it, stutter and all. And if you aren’t, I get that too. Some people don’t understand what I go through and maybe you’re not ready to defend me, because you just don’t know how. I understand that I’m here to work for you, but I need you to know that when it comes to my stutter, I’m okay with it even if you aren’t but I’ll have a hard time telling you about it, because of all that’s unpredictable: your reaction and my stutter.

[yesididstutter]

Help Can’t Hear Me

I don’t know about you, but it was a long time before I got help for my stutter. In order for therapy to be effective, you need to go like immediately. I literally had to start a riot before my parents considered doing something for me and I was 19. I’ve spent a lot of time blaming them and being angry with them just because it’s easy to blame them. As crazy as life with a speech impediment is for me, it isn’t so much easier for them considering they too were going through this for the first time. But the thing I kept asking was, “would you make someone with a broken foot walk to the doctor? Then why am I expected to call or ask for help?” See, the thing is, I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t now I could ask for help because everyone around me ignored my stutter like it wasn’t there. How the hell was I supposed to know that maybe I couldn’t be “fixed” but there were tools and confidence to gain from help? So many people need this help but don’t know how to ask for it, and that’s why we have to promote dis-fluency. Just letting people know that some people aren’t perfect and need help is all it takes. It isn’t our fault we haven’t found our voices, we just didn’t know it was okay to use them. It’s okay to be a little angry, it just isn’t okay to stay that way. It isn’t your fault help didn’t know to answer, it just couldn’t hear you.

[yesididstutter]

Difference Isn’t a Crime

My stutter is nothing to be suspicious of. I’ve read too many articles and had my own experience with this, to not address it. This one right here really kills me. Is it clearer now that understanding and awareness is needed?

One time I tried to give blood and the nurse asked me for my name. I spelled it for her because it was easier. She snapped at me and told me she knew how to spell, and that I didn’t have to do it for her. I explained my stutter and she never spoke again the rest of the time. I was already insecure enough going into the situation but the snarky comment is what hurt the most. Someone in the medical field, who should understand this, had no second thought about why I might do something different from her.

Because, you see, that’s all I am. I’m just different. I have to spell things because it’s easier than saying them. Thing is, I get to decide how to run my life and how to say things. It isn’t your call, your place to judge, it has nothing to do with you. All I’m trying to do is live my life and I deserve the same respect as the next person because you have no reason not to give it to me. I can forgive you for not understanding, but I can’t forgive you for the ignorance of not trying to.