~ITzJackie~

Hello! I'm Jackie and welcome to my blog! I am 23 years old and I love to cook and bake. Korean dramas are my addiction and VIXX are my life, Ken is my love⭐️⭐️

[yesitzjackie]

This smile. This is THE smile that can get me through even the roughest of days. On days where my mind isn’t at ease, when my chest feels too heavy from just worries about life. It’s crazy to think that someone else’s smile could make me happy, especially coming from someone who doesn’t know I even exist. Yes, this is reality. This is the life of a fan girl.

I focus more on him than guys around me. I have more pictures of him than I ever did of any boyfriend I ever had. I watch him and listen to him everyday and never get sick of it. I spend hundreds on this man, but I don’t regret any of it. It’s a crazy concept to most people, being a fan girl, but they won’t understand. They say things like,

“he doesn’t even know who you are, you won’t even be with him, why do you invest so much time and money into someone that doesn’t even care about you?, you don’t even understand him or the songs he sings, you’re fucking crazy.”

Yeah. You can call me crazy, but this man is what keeps me sane. When dealing with hard times, he was like a beautiful distraction that I could turn to when I needed relief from my stressful life. He was like a distant friend that was always rooting for me while working hard in his own way to show me that I shouldn’t give up.

Which is why he holds a special place in my heart. Without him, I’d still be mourning over a shit boyfriend, crying over a failed attempt to get into nursing school or just crying about life in general.

His voice is like sweet honey, his cuteness makes me laugh and just him being him makes my heart flutter. My cutie main vocal, I’m so happy to be your fan and please never change.

-Picture Cr. AprilEffect💕

[yesitzjackie]

Unsure

Now, I never thought of myself as a person who suffers from anxiety. I don’t go through panic/anxiety attacks when put under stress, but tend to not really react to the situation openly. I pretend that it’s not affecting me in any way, and don’t really talk about it. In reality, it is the exact opposite. What I’m actually feeling, feels like hell.

My mind runs through all these little scenarios, reminding me of what “could’ve been”, what I could’ve done differently or do better. I can’t concentrate on anything else around me. I even try distracting myself by watching a movie or listening to music.

Doesn’t work.

I sit there for hours and hours wondering why I acted like that and beat myself up mentally over and over again. I pretend that I’m not concerned over this matter but my heart says otherwise. To me, it feels like it’s beating a million beats per minute. To the point where I can feel my blood rushing through my body as it being pumped. Isn’t that weird? It’s something that my heart does every single day, but why does it feel different today? It’s so much more tiring and heavy.

I’m taking deep breaths to control my racing heart but when I think about things not going back to the way it was before, my stomach suddenly just drops. “What if it never gets resolved? What if it’s like this forever? What will I do?” More questions to add to my already crowded mind..

This usually goes on until I am actually able to confront the person or problem that I’m facing, but until then, expect to be rolling back and forth in bed for hours you idiot, because your stupid thoughts won’t leave you alone. You will be right here, at 2am wondering why you’re such an idiot for worrying to that extent when the other person probably doesn’t even give two shits about you. As a matter of fact, you didn’t even cross their mind.

You know you’re a fool but you can’t help it. This feeling is one of the worst feelings to go through because you’re physically living but you’re not. You’re here, but mentally you’re really not. Why must I go through this torture every time? Is this another kind of anxiety too?

[jericosilvers]

[lollidela-dead-soul-deactivated]

[lost-my-soul-in-neverland]

[yesitzjackie]

My Unspoken Feelings

You know that intense feeling of loss where you seem to lose control of everything? You can't concentrate on anything, you can't keep track of time and you become this person that only puts on a fake smile to fool the world of your true feelings. You do this because you don't want to explain why you're sad cause your tired. You're tired of the tears falling, you're tired of getting more and more hurt each time you try to explain it, so you tell them you're fine or you tell them that nothing's wrong. You don't tell them because you know that deep down inside its pretty stupid why you're sad and you know that they truly wouldn't care anyways. So you go on with life keeping it all in until one day it builds up and you break down. You break down crying in the privacy of the shower or at night when everyone is sleeping so no one can see you. You suffer alone and you just cry until you fall asleep and its like this for a few days.  You can't eat cause you have no appetite, and you can't fall asleep at night cause you lay there either crying or thinking of what could've been. Sure, you act fine when you're with others because that's the only time you're not thinking about him, but the minute you're alone, that's when the thoughts take over and you're once again back at square one.  I hate feeling this way. I hate missing you. I hate that I once let you break down that wall I built around my heart and I hate that I opened up to you. What I hate the most is I let myself love you before you loved me. Now I'm stuck here in the same cycle we call heartbreak. 

[yesitzjackie]

You don't understand that while you're away, I sincerely miss you. Every single hour, minute, second of the day. I never stop thinking about you. There's always something to remind me of you. Even when I'm busy with school or work and forget about you for a while, you just manage to slowly creep back into my mind. Then my mind starts to wander and I wonder what you're doing, how you're feeling. Are you talking to someone else better than me? Is she prettier than me? More fun than me? Does she have more things in common with you than me? Then I begin to feel insecure and frustrated. Are you thinking about me too? Am I on your mind just like you are on mine? Or am I the foolish one madly in love with you? I feel like I put too much effort into this and it makes me constantly worry that one day, you WILL leave. That you WILL break your promise and you won't ever love me again. You will leave me once again with tears dealing with unbearable pain for the many, many days to come. Meanwhile you on the other hand, won't feel a thing.