“yeah, it was actually so fucking good.” no, it’s not. sujin really has this talent of making things worse when it’s already bad, and when she’s angry, she just spits out whatever’s on her mind, and she doesn’t care if that hurts hideyo. quite frankly she wants to, because it’s really unfair for her to be hurting alone like this, and hurt people hurt, so she just couldn’t help it. “and you know what? maybe you’re right. maybe i don’t fucking need you.“ it’s the anger talking, because no, she doesn’t really want to say that.
she could feel the tears slowly pooling in her eyes, but that doesn’t stop her from saying, “i could replace you in a minute, hideyo. you’re not even that special.”
showing your feelings is showing weakness, his father told him once. hideyo had been seventeen then, heartbroken after leaving london and his boyfriend of two years – sure, his father didn’t know this part of the story, only that hideyo was sad after being told he would have to leave a very good friend. the world is for the strong, the weak have no place in it, he continued. and you are a nishinoya hideyo, i expect both you and tomoe to grow strong.
good lord, what a shit parenting they had.
still, this is the first thing hideyo remembers when he hears sujin’s words. don’t show weakness, don’t show her you care, don’t let her see you down. he was raised to see every person as a rival in one way or other, even the ones who gotten close. isn’t it what love is about anyway? a constant push and pull, a fight for dominance. it’s what his father would say, hideyo thinks, if he knew about his son’s current predicament. ( right after scolding hideyo for even entertaining the thought of falling for a korean woman, a celebrity – and lowest form at it – to make things worse. )
hideyo always thought sujin and him were compatible on everything: they had a similar sense of humor, liked to do the same things on their dates ( were they even dates? ), liked the same type of food and movies. he liked to think he could understand sujin with just a look, despite the short amount of time they knew each other. and now hideyo is proven right, but in the worst way possible.
he thinks about the dinner, about sitting besides siwoo, looking at him and thinking over and over again about how maybe sujin liked siwoo more, about how their relationship was precious to her despite its ending. about how hideyo couldn’t compare, being nothing but a distraction, a way to push away loneliness. well, there he has it, his answer about it.
there are many things hideyo could tell her: i’m sorry i hurt your feelings, i’m stupid, please take me back ou i regretted the kiss as soon as it ended because i was thinking about you or you just broke my heart, sujin or can we talk about this when we’re both sober? or i love you, i love you, i love you.
but hideyo was raised a nishinoya, he was raised for political gatherings and state secrets, for discussing and backstabbing. that’s what he was shaped for, for a world of sharp words and logic, not this. this being sujin’s eyes filling with water as she stares at him, the way she still doesn’t hesitate when saying those words. is this it? hideyo thinks, is this the end? did they even have something to call it off?
so what he tells her is: “go on then,” he makes a gesture towards the party. suddenly he is aware of their surroundings, of the people who could be watching them. whatever, not like hideyo cares about what anyone thinks. “go on if that’s what you want. let’s see how many people are gonna put up with you and your attitude, thinking you’re hot shit.” he crosses his arms over his chest, trying to put some distance between them. “let’s see how many other idiots like me you’ll rope into believing you little nice girl act.” he should shut up, he knows, but once hideyo starts something it’s hard to make him stop. “maybe next time at least have the decency of being fucking honest with them.”