[yjq]

to do list

connect my national grid gas account to electric after it's turned on

make sure property tax bill sent to me + pay bill

schedule title V inspection

get quotes from engineers to do perc test and draw up designs for new septic system, hire engineer

get a private well installer

wait for plans to be approved by the town

cut down trees so they can install new septic

get installation quotes after getting designs

get house hooked setup with fios

measure dimensions + replace countertop

buy new appliances

pick out lights

go to home depot/flooring store, pick out floor tiles

buy paint and paint rooms

design + replace the driveway

deal with weeds and cut down trees within 5-10 ft of house

fix window in garage

clear up backyard garbage and other random crap like in the garage (in progress)

buy new furniture

[yjq]

i called my mom and she was like yeah i would've done exactly what u would've done. like skirt around the subject of talking abt aditi by only talking abt ezra being on time to things. so i'm not crazy for not realizing she would blow up at me over it. but also she said a big part of it is aditi is probably jealous that i have a good relationship with ezra right now which yeah, didn't factor that in, but it makes sense

[yjq]

LMAO she just called me and we made up. crisis averted!

[yjq]

she even led me circles when i asked to be taken back to her apt bc she just wanted us to cool off bc she didn't take it seriously that i wanted to leave and get away from her. and then she said i can't believe you're weaponizing not staying over, i'm a good host. i was like holy shit i'm not weaponizing anything i want to leave bc i don't want to be around u! it's that simple!!

[yjq]

i guess i was hoping that being serious abt what i said and leaving will show that i mean it. i'm not playing. i'm scared that i'll lose our friendship, that she doesn't take what i say seriously. she said we're just not good for each other right now. so i'm worried she's just going to see me as a hurtful presence in her life that causes her to be hurtful to me back. and she's still not gonna get it. i don't care how hurtful she is to me in retaliation, as long as she sees it's wrong instead of a foregone conclusion. fucking hell just take ownership of your actions.

[yjq]

the thing is this is also at the core of their fight bc aditi also perceived that ezra crossed a line and therefore felt justified in blocking him and yelling hurtful things at him. but she doesn't see that as wrong at all. it's so fucking immature i can't believe it. maybe ezra can just tank it as her boyfriend of 5 years but i can't lmao. i'll draw the line and stand by it. maybe i'm fucked for that. throwing ultimatums around. making a big deal out of nothing. throwing away my best friend of almost a decade even tho i fucked up first.

[yjq]

so yeah i accept that i fucked up by bringing up ezra's tendency toward being late with him, since that's peripherally related to him having been inconsiderate (due to him prioritizing his job recently). but i think it's not ok for her to try to control what i talk about with other ppl. esp since it's not all abt her, i wanted to discuss how she was making me feel recently unrelated to him. but idk, i guess that might be contentious and i accept ppl think differently abt that (respecting the wishes of someone asking not to be talked abt). she just clearly does not accept that i fucked up unintentionally and completely had a different perspective on it. which is whatever it doesn't matter i guess. but at the same time she thinks it's completely justified to say all that bullshit to me, bc i upset her first so she's reacting to it. and that's where i draw the line. i even understand and accept her saying mean shit to me like that, i understand lashing out in the moment esp if she feels victimized. but only if she realizes it's not ok to treat me like that. but since she thinks it's justified so long as she perceives herself to be the victim, i'm done. it's not a friendship worth having at this stage in my life. though i really hope she comes around to understand me and we can make up. i just need an acknowledgement first that being hurtful on purpose was wrong and she should just use her fucking words and tell me that i hurt her next time.

[yjq]

like she got mad at him bc he called this morning asking to get dinner with us bc he wanted to hangout with me. but we were already planning to do the escape room with aditi's friends and she didn't tell him abt it bc he doesn't like her friends (honestly neither do i). but she got mad that he was calling the day of instead of in advance even tho how was he supposed to know we had plans?? but she didn't tell me we were getting dinner with her friends before escape room so she was like u should just get dinner with ezra and meet us for escape room. so i was like ok idk i can hangout with him another day but he's busy the rest of the time i'm in ny so we settled on dinner.

and she was like just don't talk abt me to him. and i was like ok but in my head i'm like that's not a fair request bc u can't control what i talk abt with other ppl?? that's not how things work?? but anyway i told him she doesn't want us to talk abt her but i still asked him abt how he's doing to manage being on time to things from now on. bc it's relevant but not directly addressing his and aditi's fight.

anyways after escape room it came up that i talked abt his timeliness with him and in her mind, that was me talking abt her specifically when i said i wouldn't. but i didn't realize that's what she was thinking so she immediately started speaking aggressively to me. like saying i'm just charmed by ezra like implying i'm compromised and can't be trusted and don't listen to her. and i was like hey can u not talk as if i can't think for myself. and she gets more antagonistic but i don't know why! while i keep saying don't talk to me like that why r u acting like this! i know it doesn't sound that bad but like she wasn't speaking to me like a real person anymore, she was speaking in a way to get a rise out of me

and that's when she finally blows up at me abt talking about her when she asked me not to, and i was like i didn't fucking do that, and she was like u literally did but i was like i specifically talked abt his timeliness in such a way that it doesn't mention u! but anyways i can accept that to her, that's still talking abt the situation with her, and i hurt her by doing it. and i say as much but i still ask her not to lash out when i upset her without knowing that i upset her!!

and then she says all that shit abt how it's insane that i would even go to dinner with ezra (she literally told me to do that) and it proves that i'm sick for taking such interest in their relationship (they're my friends so wtf) etc etc and she just told me last night that when there's 3 of us together it's an imbalanced dynamic so how could i start that shit again (but she literally called him to ask him to come hangout with us and when i texted him to just come to her apt to hang she accepted that i did that) and then when i texted him that we're fighting and i'm leaving so don't come hang, she blew up at me for going behind her back to text him.

[yjq]

but ultimately i'm friends with ezra and care abt him and i think aditi is wrong in this situation abt him. but we already agreed to disagree. but obviously i'm going to be in the middle of it. and she hates that i'm passing these judgments on this situation when she's the one who put me here. she kept making it out to sound like i'm a freak for having thoughts on their situation and sticking my nose in their business when ezra is my friend and i care abt both of them and also she keeps fucking bringing it up. like we went to escape room with her friends and after she actually called ezra wanting to hangout but actually it was just to test if he would pick up i guess. and she told me to call him to see if he would pick up my call. and then he got mad at him for not being immediately responsive. like how is she not continually dragging me into it?? it's crazy. i feel crazy

[yjq]

so basically she's mad at ezra abt being inconsiderate but i'm not automatically agreeing with her judgments of him so i keep hurting her feelings without realizing and when she feels hurt she feels cornered and lashes out and so i'm like hey don't talk to me that way, don't treat me that way, she's like i'm allowed to be angry, like she thinks speaking manipulatively and hurtfully is acceptable if i've crossed a line i can't see.

[yjq]

so me and aditi r fighting and i was staying over her place while i'm in nyc but i packed up my stuff and left. staying over samsam's place right now. i feel absolutely terrible but i stand by my actions. i wanna cry

[yjq]

just found out that aly purposefully didn't invite me and my mom back to vb camping weekend and didn't tell us directly. we had to find out from someone else who's a regular and said the invites already went out. wow. that actually hurts. she's so nonconfrontational and passive aggressive it's unbelievable. so yeah we are NOT subbing for saturday pickup anymore since she's gonna be there. i am totally holding this grudge now.

[yjq]

YESSS

[yjq]

the way i extend my procrastinating brushing my teeth by falling asleep on the couch when i get so sleepy i can't possibly get up to brush my teeth anymore, then anxiously waking up at 1 am to then procrastinate for 2 more hrs before finally brushing my teeth at 3 am. i have a problem

[yjq]

i'm ngl the take 5 webcomic characters are insanely annoying and i hate that ena looks like me lol but clare is hot even if i would hate her miserable ass irl

[yjq]

also like the last time we went to get drinks i was gonna pay but she was like let's just split the check and also gave me an awkward hug after so it's like bro u already don't wanna date me how r u gonna avoid this breakup conversation for another month WTF. no more avoidant behavior next time i date NO MORE

[yjq]

similarly to how every time she would pretend to agree with someone when i know she disagrees with them in private i was so confused and experienced that same feeling of rejection (esp when agreeing with them put them at odds with me). so weird. def don't vibe with that style of behavior at all. how can u exist in such a state of constant dishonesty.