♥

random rants srry in advance

[ylrebmik0]

you know how hard i fell for this guy? pretty fucking hard.

i can genuinely say that this was the first time I’ve ever really felt love, or what i thought was love. and as for someone with divorce parents, it took me some fucking time. i was so afraid, genuinely afraid to love because my vision of “love” (from my parents relationship with one another), was that it’s a constant argument and that it wasn’t forever.

i don’t mean to be so vulgar, but that took so much out of me - this relationship. this 3-year and some months, I thought this might’ve been it. that pouring my heart out, putting you on this pedestal, and loving you so much - I thought you were it. i wanted to prove that love is real, genuine, and that love is you.

But alas, I’ve put all this effort, all this time, all my energy that I’ve never put into anyone, just to stopped being loved.

Unfortunate, truly. That our love didn’t last forever after all.

[ylrebmik0]

okay so i deleted all unnecessary chats from fb and it feels good. i mean, the other party would still have the chat logs but i won’t find myself re reading any of them. i ended up re reading some before deleting them and hate myself more for even ASSOCIATING myself with such filth. goodbye and good riddance 

[ylrebmik0]

heck dude i need to stop rereading 2011 fb messages..... SO CRINGE AND I WAS SO HEARTLESS.

[ylrebmik0]

finished collecting all the episodes. tried signing into my old amv account but no luck :( it would have been a cool surprise to post a video there out of the blue LOL 

[ylrebmik0]

im excited cause i can start making amvs again and it makes me kinda well happy <3

[ylrebmik0]

i was going through fb messenger and stumbled upon this confession from someone in 2018:

This is out of the blue, but I never was able to get rid of the feelings I've once felt for you. I know it probably sounds stupid to you now and I'm too late, but I'de rather tell you now. For the longest time I never told you, because I was too scared to fall in love again. I found/made up reasons why I should not think about you. None of it worked, I kept thinking about you, your smile, your pout face when you were mad at me. God you're so cute, I just missed enjoying every single moment with you. I figured when you moved to the states that it was finally over. Nope I tricked myself again and it didn't work. I've literally come to realize that I'm still in love with you, the person to come out of nowhere when I was sick and helped me get better. You even went out of your way to message me first or pick me up when we hung out. My heart never ached when I was with you, just afraid that I would hurt you all over again. I know I'm terrible for telling you all of this out of nowhere, but do as you will. I'll take all the negativity you have on me, because I'de rather see you smile than not to Kim.

i didn’t respond. i honestly don’t remember this message but i guess i decide to not respond. but here’s a response:

i’m sorry for not responding. i acknowledge your feelings and wish that we continue what we have now: a friendship. though it isn’t the most talkative type of friendship, it is still one where i can hit you up whenever i come back and know that you’re down for a random hangout. i admire this courageous confession and admit that years back i too was still fond of you, but because of distance i knew it wouldn’t work out. i’d much rather be your friend than another stranger because you see - i am now limited to a few friends left so knowing that i still have you, is all i need. i hope you’re well. i hope whoever you fall in love next knows how much of a great guy you are. 

and no.. i’m not responding to this message irl.

[ylrebmik0]

spring 2020 is over. this was the strangest semester ever..... it’ll continue to be online for fall 2020, so let the strange-ness continue. i’m quite hopeful that by spring 2021 we will return to campus. i’m hopeful (and also really praying because it’ll be my last semester ;u;)

[ylrebmik0]

ive been doing this thing where I stay up for no reason and play solitaire and think about my future :-) I hate it but I really can’t sleep :-)

[ylrebmik0]

I’ve never really realized, until this moment really, how much I was taken advantage of in the past. because of my desire to keep people around for as long as possible. I’d sacrifice my mental health, time, tears, and energy just so someone can stay in my life and for what? For them to not give me the time of day when I want to hang out, or when I want to talk to them. It really sucks how the people I tried to hold on to weren’t all that worth holding onto.

[ylrebmik0]

I can’t just “stop playing”. What kind of advice is that?? I get that you don’t understand the game itself - but I’ve worked so hard and so many hours on that game and to see that some piece of shit ruining everyone’s work is of course upsetting! You telling me to “just stop playing” just shows me that you honestly don’t care! And that upsets me the most!

You know how much this game means to me. All the work and effort I put. LET ME BE UPSET. LET ME RANT. And for crying out loud just listen to your girlfriend complain no matter how “childish” or “not a big deal” it is :(((

[ylrebmik0]

i don’t like talking about my academic journey. i always feel so behind when talking to someone about what my major is or when i’m graduating because i would feel embarrassed. i know i shouldn’t be because these are my choices but i can’t help but feel ... so behind. 

yesterday, i finally spoke to another adviser, hoping to confidently say that “i’ll be graduating in *so so* semester!” and well - i can confidently say that i’ll be graduating in spring 2021! it makes me so happy. you have no idea! it was so hard to contain my excitement when she said that i only needed a couple classes left and i will be able to graduate in spring 2021. she first asked when i wanted to graduate/when do i see myself graduating, and i was so afraid to say spring 2021. i was afraid she was going to say “nope it’ll be a while until you graduate”. that embarrassed feeling i have in my gut is gone and i’m just so glad to have a set “last semester”. it has been a long time coming dude.

BUT IM SO HAPPY. holy cow am i a happy little gator ; u ;

[ylrebmik0]

i want to do a thing. it’s probably a stupid thing but its a thing Ive wanted to try and do and feel no guilt in doing. a letter to my friends, exes, whether they were ‘official’ or not, randoms . idk sounds kinda fun. fun in a way that would make me cringe but because why the heck not.

[ylrebmik0]

sometimes i wonder if they still think of me. like oh hey maybe I should give her that monopoly game back....... I BOUGHT THAT I JUST LEFT IT AT YOUR PLACE how was I suppose to know it’d be the last time

[ylrebmik0]

sometimes i wonder if I’ll still be friends with the little i have left. im so antisocial here. fuck

[ylrebmik0]

sometimes i think about how similar we are and how i think we’d be good friends but i also think how much we’d butt heads over that boy and the past that we won’t ever forgive and forget. but if im willing to follow you on twitter and insta then idk maybe it’s you who should make an effort

[ylrebmik0]

I should really stop staying up so late.

[ylrebmik0]

omg the & hearts; (ignore the space lol) code still works! tb to them myspace days hehe