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My Wellness Journey is Not Linear

I have always been a very intense person; my nickname, “Taz,” found me before I was three years old, and it truly described my approach to life for many years. Intensity can be a beautiful thing. It results in passion, drive, loyalty and dedication. But those qualities coupled with immaturity will make for a very bumpy road.

When I first started practicing yoga, I was ready to get off that bumpy road. Yoga was an invitation to channel my intensity and focus into something that was quieting, stilling even, and that concept was totally new and exciting to me. It is no surprise, then, that all my energy, when directed to yoga, made me a devout practitioner. It became my lifestyle very quickly.

In my adult life, yoga has been the place I’ve turned to when the road has once again gotten bumpy. In my teens and early twenties, many of those bumps were self-inflicted. These days, I don’t always choose the challenges I’ll face.

In February of 2013, I began my first ‘fight’ against thyroid disease and thyroid tumors. My practice became my medicine in every way imaginable. Because of thyroid-induced heart disease, I spent my practices doing restorative yoga and meditation. Those sessions restored me to some degree of sanity in what was a pretty insane time of my life. As my hair fell out, my vision deteriorated and my weight bounced fifteen pounds one way or another in a week, yoga was a constant for me.

Shortly after I received a remission diagnosis, my husband and I picked up where we had left off in trying to start a family. It was obvious very quickly that something was wrong; for my readers who don’t know, I have auto-immune induced Premature Ovarian Failure. This essentially means my auto-immune disorders destroyed my egg supply and pushed me into early menopause.

This very abrupt derailment from healthy twenty-nine-year-old to pre-menopausal, thyroid-toxic thirty-year-old changed everything about my perspective on life. My long-held beliefs about faith, God and the plan for my life fell by the wayside. The ‘fight’ wore me down in 2014, and I became very depressed. It was a healthy cycle of emotions for what I was experiencing, and that very crushing depression was a true turning point for my relationship with myself, my family and my god.

I stopped wanting to hear promises that my life would get better. Everywhere I turned, I was seeing that simply wasn’t true. Bad news after bad news came my way from my doctors, yet people wanted to tell me to think positive, be optimistic, and even trust everything would work out.

I saw a huge flaw in this logic: what if it doesn’t? You’re assuming it will, but there is an equally good chance it won’t, and what should I do then? Keep delaying my life until I get better news? Keep hoping that someday, somehow, I can enjoy myself again?

Read on: http://bethanyeanes.com/blog/?p=1423

#meditation wellness healing

The best way to say, “Thank you, God,” is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now. Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.

Ralph Helfer, Modoc: The True Story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived

#letitgo #letgo #livepresent

Hold On for One More Day

If you knew me in college, you likely covered your ears at least once while I belted Wilson Phillips “Hold On” over the speakers at karaoke night at Mike Duffy’s Bar & Grill. If you’re my husband, you met me in that bar & decided to marry me (albeit that decision was made many years later, not over the sound of my singing voice).

Lately, I’ve been battling my way through pretty rough patch of depression. And by lately I mean for about 6 months. It’s probably the single longest stretch of melancholy I’ve ever experienced; I’ve been dealing with bouts of depression since I was a young child. The good news is that I have far better tools for dealing with the challenges these days. I take care of my diet to manage blood sugar spikes, I exercise, I meditate, I spend time in self-care and self-reflection. And, when things get really bad, I pray. Funny how we tend to come to that last resort when we’re out of other options.

Last night, I was home alone (again) while my husband was out at a baseball game. One of the things I say every time I pray is something like, “Dear Life, thank you for bringing me my pets.” My animals have acted as my pets, my nurses, my pillows and my babies for the last several years. My dog in particular has gotten really good at assuming the baby position on my lap, allowing me to rock him and stare into his beautiful brown eyes. I’m not kidding. That happens.

Last night, I took Flapjack for a walk. It was his third of the day; I tend to smother him with activity when I’m alone. A firework went off right next to us, and he absolutely panicked. I had to hold him close to my chest the rest of the walk, snuggling him and telling him everything was okay. I was also crying quite a bit, because it was a rough day to begin with, and I didn’t really need to be alone talking to my dog. I could have stood for some human interaction. That’s a luxury I don’t always get.

As I cried and cried and worked to think of something that I could do to feel a little better, I told myself, “Just get to tomorrow morning. Just hold on for one more day.”

I sang to my dog as I walked the rest of the way home. He appreciates my singing voice far more than the patrons at Duffy’s ever did. Dogs are good like that.

The only way we can make it through tough days is one step at a time. Do the things you know will make you feel better, cry when you need to, pray when you have no other option ;), and know that a new day is coming, and it carries with it the promise of future accomplishment.

Take care of yourselves. Hold on.

This is not the music video for Hold On. This is a much deeper song, which more deeply captures the feeling of the moment.

#pets #depression #yoga #meditation

yogahighinc

This week, everywhere I turn people are reminding me that, “Marriage is about love!” Well, in my experience, it actually is not at all about love. Love is about love. Love is an outside force, existing whether or not we choose to make an official, legal commitment or apply a label. Love can help...

Marriage is Not About Love

These 5 years of marriage (and 10 years of a committed relationship) have taught me that marriage is about a lot of things other than love. Namely, marriage is about commitment, compromise and a willingness to forego autonomy. Marriage means you will never again make choices for yourself. You will not get to do whatever you want to. You will not be in charge of your own life, at least not alone you won’t. And, if you’ve chosen wisely in your partner, you will realize it is a damn good thing!

Marriage is a commitment to building a life together with the faith you will make something better than either one of you could have made on your own. Along the way, that means your partner will (AND SHOULD) say, “No,” to many of the things you want. In doing so, your partner will help you recognize when to fight for what you want, when to recognize you want things you don’t need, and when to put others’ needs before your own. If you have chosen well, your partner will frustrate you. This frustration will come from the fact that there is never a moment you don’t feel challenged. Your partner will love you unconditionally, but s/he will also require you to grow, learn, try harder, do better and become more than you have been in the past. And you will do the same for your partner.

And when you feel a bit too frustrated, and you are working a little too hard at it, that’s when love will come in. Love will come in and allow you to laugh, to snuggle, to relax, to enjoy one another in a way you never knew you could. Love will save you again-and-again from thinking marriage is JUST work. It’s also a whole lot of fun. It’s beautiful and productive and silly and wonderful. But you don’t get to enjoy those things, at least not for the forever you want, if you don’t start with the growth, the commitment, the sacrifice and the effort.

I’m kind of obsessed with my marriage. It’s fucking hard. We don’t cut each other a lot of breaks because we hold each other in very high regard. And I actually think we’re pretty good at the whole thing. I think we’ve made each other better, and I know we’ve made a better life than either of us could have independently. The pets agree.

#marriagewins lovewins love

Move Your Body, Calm Your Mind

Since childhood, I have dealt with opposing forces of extreme bliss and desolate sadness. My parents always told me, “You have only two speeds: a million miles and hour or zero.” In adolescence, I learned the name for this condition to be bipolar disorder. It was a name I first heard in college when I was sent to counseling by my soccer coaches. Unfortunately, on college campuses, counseling…

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#bipolar disorder #neuroscience #yoga

Contracting & Expanding

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.” – Rumi If you feel the world contracting, closing in on you in a way that leaves you no options, remember it is the world’s way to do this…

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Cherish the Times of Challenge

I want to throw my head back and scream at the world, “It just isn’t supposed to be this way! Life is supposed to be magical and beautiful and good!” That’s the story I was sold. If I did things well – if I got straight A’s and saved and bought property and worked hard and studied more and tried harder – if I did things well, I’d be rewarded. I would get all the things I wanted and more. That’s…

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Yoga to Create a Home for the Homeless

For three years, I’ve sat at the intake desk to the largest homeless services network in Pasadena, California, and watched tired, confused and often broken people come in seeking help. Sometimes, it is easy to see the chain of events that led a person to this position. More often, I end up questioning, “Where did your life take this turn while mine took another?” I am reminded daily how very…

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The Lesson of the Present Moment

Ever wonder why there always seem to be ‘life lessons’ at yoga class? I do. It seems odd that this American fitness industry accepts that a yoga class is an appropriate place for a teacher to drop wisdom. Especially when that teacher is often young, inexperienced in life, and talking about major life themes. Can we really learn anything? Would you accept it if your aerobics instructor talked…

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#mindfulness therapy #present moment #yoga lessons

Life moves pretty fast

My family is embarking on a big change. For years, we have wanted to be parents and have been pained at how little change there has been. We desperately wanted to move forward, to step into new roles, to grow our family and grow ourselves. And now that it is happening, I wonder what the rush ever was. I’ll start by saying we’re not pregnant nor have we been selected as adoptive…

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#change #family #infertility

How to Spot a Hater

“Haters gonna hate,” they say. And I know it’s true, but I have such a hard time ignoring the hate anyway. I want to explain to my critics, I want to say, “If you just knew what I am really trying to do here, you’d certainly see it my way.” There are two ways to answer that statement: Either they won’t because my way isn’t right. Or they won’t because they’re just plain haters. I agonize over…

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#critics #haters

Teacher, you gotta be a student

We’ve all heard it: remain teachable. Go to class. Take trainings. Read books. Dig in. The beauty of the yoga journey is you never stop learning. Whatever it is you are drawn to – philosophy, anatomy, alignment, spirituality, pranayama, service – there is always somewhere to go.

So why do so few teachers GO? Well, there are some practical reasons. Earning a living teaching yoga is hectic, with…

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#teacher training #teaching yoga #yoga workshop

On the Bastardization of Yoga

Cultural appropriation is a hot term these days. People dislike the way modern fashion appropriates various cultures, the way pop music bastardizes tunes meant for religious or social ceremonies and – yes, most definitely – the way ‘skinny white women’ have claimed yoga as their own many thousands of years after its origins in a social, religious and personal practice very alien to what we think…

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"Happy Mother's Day ... Oh, not to you."

“Happy Mother’s Day … Oh, not to you.”

“Happy Mother’s Day!” The young girl says with a smile as I run by mile 7 on my 13.1 mile journey. She pauses and says, “Oh, not to you.” Then adds, “Sorry, sir.”

I recount this story to my husband later, and he says, “Ouch. Like a double punch.” We smile, because smiling is all you can do sometimes when things really hurt but you share the pain with someone you love.

I ran my first half marathon…

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The first quality of a leader is VISION.

For me, the clearest visions come at the least expected moments. I’m out for a run, and BOOM, the next step in my journey is revealed. Ask yourself, “What is my purpose here? What am I trying to build?”

I remember moving to Pasadena, leaving behind my community, and wondering who I was as a yoga teacher and person. I wondered, “Am I even good at this? Am I even supposed to do this? What is my fresh take on this practice that makes it important to share my voice?”

And then one day, I realized the answer had been there all along. I looked back at the project I had done for graduation from my first 200-hour Teacher Training: “Yoga for Addiction.” Yep, that had always been my path. I had always wanted to help people make better choices to free themselves from addictive and compulsive behaviors.

I looked at my goal sheet from 5 years ago, “I go back to school to study in a field I’m passionate about.”

The next day, I talked to my husband then applied for acceptance into the Alcohol & Drug Studies program at Glendale Community College. I signed up for a training in yoga for transforming trauma-based addiction. I incorporated my business. I started to realize why I had chosen this path (or why it had been chosen for me).

There are still many areas in my life lacking vision. I want to control that vision, shape and mold it. Perhaps I should instead just keep on doing what I do and wait for the vision to reveal itself to me.

According to Pema Chodron:

“After a while, you forget that you’re even asking the question. You just practice meditation or you just live your life, and you have insight - a fresh take on what is true. Insight comes suddenly, as though you’ve been wandering around in the dark and someone switches on all the lights and reveals a palace. It’s been there all along. It feels as if we’ve discovered something that no one else knew, and yet it’s completely straightforward and simple.”

#vision #addiction #recovery #yogaofrecovery #12step #glendale #pasadena #leadership

Today I Want to Talk About Leadership

You sit down to your yoga mat, draw your hands into your heart, and hear your teacher say, “Set an intention for your practice.” You set a broad intention like, “Peace. Presence.” Or perhaps you set an intention like, “I live in a comfortable, clean, clutter free home.” No matter how broad or how specific your intention, it’s not enough on its own.

Today I want to talk about leadership.

Every…

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#feminism #intention setting #leadership #women&039;s leadership #ywca

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