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Thoughts#3 /Self-para

I remember that night, even if I say that I don’t. Mainly to Santana. ‘Cause I am either embarrassed by the whole situation or I don’t want Santana to feel bad that she left me alone-that’s what she said anyway. It is just so hazy, in every way. First thing that kept “torturing” me was how I was gonna be perceived. How other men will see me. And the way Daniel approached me was....out of this freaking world. Like nobody has approached me before. Which...it could be wrong-girls have approached me before. But, I have never felt someone wanting me that much and the feeling itself would make my whole body tingle.

My own sexual revolution is a surprise for me, basically. I still think of situations that I can get into and actually...feel turned on with them? Like I’ve opened a window and I can think freely about anything. The problem is that...it’s one of the first times I need to get through: I get shy about it. And I’m not generally a shy person. Maybe-it’s the first time thing? I’ve tried explaining it to Santana, but it got too personal in my head and I ended up blushing. WHICH AGAIN...it isn’t me.

Everything moves fast rather rapidly when I think of those situations with Frank opposite me. It’s not a matter of being in a relationship or...liking someone-which I thought it had to do with it. It’s just...something more as an animal instinct that woke up and grew in me. Like I want everything but then again, I don’t even know what that “everything is. Maybe I finally get to understand what artists in the music and cinema industry mean when they say someone: “I want you”. I think of that about Frank, but once I do, I get shy. And probably blush with myself.

Last but not least, despite this...awakening of mine, I’m still afraid...of something. I don’t know if it’s the pain or if it’s like...the feeling of losing control of the situation. Or letting myself lose control. I don’t know if I don’t trust Frank enough to be with him and let me lose control together with him...or if I’m the problem...that I cannot trust myself around Frank so that I can lose control. What makes it seem like Frank is a reckless person. He’s not. I’m the one with the problem. I’m the one that wants to lose control and something stands like an obstacle in him. I don’t know if I should talk to anyone about it-even Frank...or I should try to let it go slowly. Everyone must go through that, right?

#self para #para

Thoughts #2 // self-para

This incident probably happened...probably ten years ago. I was around 22 or 23. Halfway through the first year of Law School and my mother decided to go on a small weekend vacation together. It was the right solution for me to relax.

The place was rather cozy and neither me or my mother had any intention of going out of the hotel, so I had time to explore the place, while my mother was at the pool. Truth be told, it wasn’t that calming. There were various calls about summer assignments and cases we had to solve for every extracurricular activity my nerd brain decided to participate in. At some point, on that Saturday night, I found myself sitting by the bar, drinking probably my second glass of wine. I got a few more random texts from a girl...a friend that has just confessed that she liked me and I felt guilty for some reason.

I didn’t expect that a guy coming closer and sitting next to me. He didn’t hesitate to buy me a drink and suddenly, I felt rather weird. Like everything was tense. But at the same time, I had all my walls up-not letting any-possible flirting get to me. Which now that I see it...it was definitely flirting...what he was doing. I just smiled and tried to move on with the conversation. After he left me for the night, I returned in my room and I still felt weird. Like I have pushed away a really great opportunity. But, then again, I didn’t like men (yet). It still felt wrong, though.

The next morning, on my way to the hotel check out, he was there. Behind the reception counter. It didn’t take much for me to realize that he owned this hotel and a bunch of other ones around the suburbs of New York. He didn’t hesitate to flirt with me again-at this point, I realized that he was flirting-more like I admitted that he was flirting, because I have somehow loosened up and I felt that I was more open than before. Not much later my mother appeared. Everything went blank. I tried to cover any thought that came in mind about the possibility of my mother, him or anyone else learnt, realized or even felt suspicious about me, being gay or something close to that. And...once he met my mother, he started flirting the same way as he did with me. And I backed off-suddenly it felt too safe to cover that up. The weird feeling prevailed, but at least, nobody would know.

After five months, they got married. It was very quick. I didn’t approve-because it was too fast and probably I didn’t want someone like that for my own mother. Because there were always flirty glances, touching my arm absent-mindedly. And I don’t want to cause anything. Even if they are still married after 10 years. Even if I’m out of the closet now, I feel like the glances are much more intense. And I don’t think I like that.

#self para #para

Thoughts #1 //Self Para

I spent the whole day filled with papers around me-either to sign, either to check. It was the day with the least appointments-not as many cases as I usually have, but the right amount to numb my head. Not that it’s not easy for my head to numb lately. Not that it doesn’t numb, when I see...him. Which is a necessity-I’ve started a law firm with him, for god’s sake. It’s just...

Since I started understanding things, my mother kept telling me her idealized version of what love felt like. (And of course how that version didn’t include her and my father). How you could feel when you look at the one-or how you could feel when he touched you or kissed you or showed that he cared. It felt like true bliss-like an angel had touched you-like nothing else was important but...you and him. Mostly him-that is showing that he cares. And you care back...

...Of course in her version it was me and a girl. And it was like that two years ago. Things escalated too fast, when I found my first girlfriend or she found me. She was rather pretty and we were both heading to Law School after college. But...I don’t even remember being very excited to see her-like beating-my-heart-so-loud-I-cannot-hear-myself excited. I don’t even remember how we broke up or basically why. All I remember was that assignment we had together that we finished while she was crying and typing at the same time. I don’t want to be mean but...I felt rather relieved. And no, it was mutual...for us to break up. I don’t remember saying anything out loud. Like I don’t think I’m attracted to you or....I didn’t even know how attraction worked. My hormones blew up the last years and as Santana says, I’m like a teenager again. I felt that everything...having sex with a girl for the first time wasn’t as good. That there was too much of a hype around it.

From that point on-from the first break up and on, I mean-I didn’t tell my mother anything. She believed that I was with the same girl until my next girlfriend. I was the same person, drowning myself with college-working on internships during the summer. There was supposedly a notion that since I didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen. It was the first time I regretted not talking to my mother.

My next and last girlfriend was someone I met while I was in Law School. I became really close with her-met with her friends, even her ex. Until she started having sexual feelings for me and...I cared too much for her to just not try it out. Again. It became too much of a mess, when I announced to my mother. Who has just met her next husband and even talked to my dad. She tried to get words out of me...if we were thinking of getting married-what freaked me out the most.

Things got complicated as conflict grew in me. Since we were pretty progressive and we kept hanging out with her ex and his friends. I came closer to him and everything. But he was straight and my then girlfriend was really happy that I didn’t mind. In a fight, in our last fight, I couldn’t hold myself and told her that I felt more stuff about the ex and not her....I hope she forgives me for this...

My point is that everything is too new. With...him, it’s different and I feel weird. A good kind of weird. A good weird that I cannot concentrate. A good weird that I am seeing it everyday. And I hope he really feels the same.