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@youfoundadiary-blog
Wednesday
i've decided to change my outlook on life. i need to learn to see past the beauty of the earth and more into the heart of the earth. i don't know. but those people who appreciate things on an anesthetical level make me wanna puke because they don't see the while picture.
Saturday, January 17, 11:41 PM
I liked his pants. He liked my hair. I asked him to play me a song on his ukelele. He did. I loved it. Exchanged names. Said goodbye.
Friday, January 16, 2015, 12:48 PM
Met one of the most kindhearted men just now as I am skipping history class. He was here at the bus stop, eating a slice of pizza, and he told me about his life. Pointing to my instrument, he says “what do you play?” “Bass clarinet”, I reply. He smiles. “My daughter plays the keyboards. She’s a grade 12 up at Centralside High school. I love her so much. Skipped two grades, y’know” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah. She’s 14 and graduating. Her grandmother, my mother, bought her a 2015 Prius. It’s pimpin’, but of course she can’t drive it yet” “Plenty of time for you to get in there and drive yourself!” He motioned to his bag. “No I can’t. I’m an alcoholic. I drink beer. Always joke that my daughter will drive me to the beer store, but she always says ‘I’m not doing that, daddy’. I love my baby. I love her” “Sounds like you’re raising her right.” “I do what I can. I lost her mother about fourteen years ago. She hung herself, horrible suicide. I come home to find her knife on the table. Bloody. She hung herself with the telephone cord. I had to clean her up. I found her first.” “That’s awful, I’m really sorry.” “Yeah, I know. But my baby, I love my baby, she grew up alright. Wants to move in with her older sister. I raised her good. But I don’t want my daughter moving so far.” “Where does she live?” “Texas.” “WHAT?! That far?” “Exactly! Her sister is 25, good influence, but she’s not moving if I can help it!” “Oh man, yeah!” “Anyways I’m going to the store, sorry to bother you, thanks for listening.” “Oh it was no trouble! I love hearing people’s stories.” “Take care!” “You too.”
-X
Monday, January 5, 2015, 12:56 AM
School starts today. I wake up in about 5 hours and I haven't gotten any shut eye. I don't know what's up with me. Lately I've been thinking about Kyle and our failing relationship. I really liked him. He said he liked me back but is it really true? I don't think he'd lie, but he just stopped putting effort into it all. He was making it hard to go on. It's been a few days past a month (two to be exact) since we broke up. I thought I would be feeling better, but I'm actually starting to feel worse. I miss him. I don't even talk to him anymore. Whatever. He's made it clear with his way of speaking that he's clearly not into talking with me, even though he said we should keep in touch. Whatever. There will be more boys at college next year... Going to bible school! I want a good church boy, something Kyle just couldn't do for me, and that's cool. But I hoped he could be that, or at least close. We disagreed the most on sex I think. It was rough, me being a virgin and all. He didn't expect it from me; on the contrary he said he would respect my wishes. I really wanted to do stuff obviously, but I couldn't because 1 - I owe it to myself to be ready and confident when I feel I am 2- I am worth whatever wait I make my man go through and 3 - it wouldn't feel natural for me to do it before I had security in a relationship (aka marriage). Like I said, he was obviously respectful and I loved that about him, but when he said that he felt there was a reason for the breakup, I knew. I knew that he wasn't supposed to be the one. Of course, what do I know, I'm a 17 year old boy crazy teenage girl. But in that moment, I just knew we wouldn't work out or get back together with positive consequences, so I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm wasting my time with Kyle. I need to get over him. Till next time, -X
Sunday, December 14, 2014, 2:20 PM
I'm supposed to be doing history homework. It's awful... I took extra credit work because of this jerk in my class who keeps trying to prove he's better than me. I'll show you! Talked to my (birth) father; he told me that mom has always been as mean as she is, even when they first got married in '87. He said "It's not her fault and you need to cut her some slack" To that, I said "The entire family thinks she's mentally ill. She's crazy!" I wasn't expecting his reply. "That's because she is. "When your mother was 13, she got in a car accident. Her friends were driving in the jungle in Ethiopia and the car crashed. She was thrown at a tree and hit it head first. When she told me after we were married, I tried to get her to get help. But she wouldn't. So just... Be there for her okay?" What... She invited me to go see her Christmas Eve. I was pretty nasty, telling her she was only being nice because she wanted company. Of course, she lashed back. Even worse than I thought she would. Father wants me to get her help, and convince her to. I have no idea how to, considering (step)dad has been telling her even longer than I have. Everything makes sense now, actually. This is interesting right now. -X
Just a note...
The whole Xweezy thing was a really weird joke... I tried to use that word in a game of scrabble. I will be changing my pen name to just X
Monday, December 8, 2014, 11:01AM
I stayed home from school today because I felt sick. Whatever. Grade twelve blows. I’m not in the best mood because of the breakup with Kyle. Yeah it was Friday, but still. We didn’t even last that long. Everything got… Boring with him all of a sudden. The beginning was crazy; sparks flying, instant chemistry from the moment I saw him. But what happened? How and why would it fade so fast? I don’t know. All I know is that we’re friends now, and it’s really hard. I don’t really talk to him much anymore and that’s what pains me. I still have feelings for Kyle, and it’ll probably take me a while to get over. We obviously gave the whole “it could change in the future” line, but I’m pretty sure we both knew it was for each other’s comfort. I’ll probably never get back together with Kyle, and that’s what sucks. I want to. If he asked me right now, I would get back together in a heartbeat. Sometimes I question if he really liked me. Call it my insecurities, but I really do wonder. Yeah the distance was getting hard and I was obviously keeping our relationship afloat but still! So many unanswered questions. -Xweezy
Wednesday, November 5, 2014, 6:34 PM
It's been a while... A few weeks probably! I hung out with Carolyn at her party for Halloween. Some idiot named Jason kept screaming his name and mackin on chicks. Ew. Left her party and went with Lynn, Clark, Ben, and Ted back to school. Ben got a call from Reese who told us to head to Anna's place and we did. Across the street, some grads from our school were partying... And a random kid just came up to me and started talking about human rights for a half hour... We took a lap around the block. He said his name was Kyle. In 2 days I have my first official date with him. I'm excited *_* -Xweezy
October 15, 2014, 8:58 AM
I'm at school right now. Hattie let me buy her iPhone for forty bucks and that's what I'm using right now. Mrs Man is going on and on about some stupid finches on the Galápagos Islands. I'm only taking this class so I can get my science 11 credit.... I graduate this year and bio is easy. Mom and dad got divorced two weeks ago or so, as far as I know. They still live together though, so I'm not 100% sure. More later. -Xweezy
September 19, 2014, 12:56 AM
I've been crying since around 9 PM. Mom phoned me to tell me she was filing for divorce on Tuesday. At first, I screamed at her. She hung up on me, and we texted until a few minutes ago. I was insulting her; swearing and calling her nasty namesm but after about an hour I felt awful and apologized. But she kept making me upset and I went right back to being rude, just not with the same intensity. She keeps insulting dad and his family. It's going to be super awkward, because she works with dad's mom. They both work at the hospital together. Harry is talking to me over Skype. He's coaching me through this, even though he's even worse at dealing with feelings than I am. I'm just happy all the time, and he's all bummed all the time usually. He cracks too many puns, that boy. Andrew wouldn't Skype us because his Skype wasn't working. This popular kid from school, Justin, kept posting pictures on Facebook of him with this famous soccer team that visited him in the hospital. He's got some weird swelling of muscles around the heart or something? He's one of those guys who causes a lot of drama and then makes a thousand Facebook statutes about how he can't deal with people like that, and cusses a buttfull. I swore a lot at mom today, which is weird because I went without swearing for months. Oh great, Harry's telling me more jokes. Something about a dude walking into a bar and asking where his car is...? I have no idea what he's saying. Okay. I'm exhausted and I feel all cried out. -Xweezy
September 16, 2014, 11:45 PM
Talking to Andrew over skype. He’s doing some weird summer volunteer thing at the community center. Listening to Duran Duran’s “Beautiful Colors” album; it’s pretty modern and it’s actually not bad. All the Duran Duran on my iTunes imploded or something, because when I downloaded it onto my iPod, it skipped after like four seconds and then went to the next song. Ionno. I had to delete all the albums except for the Thank You album, which I got from Torrent separately. Andrew is jamming to Bon Iver (whoever that is!) and I’m hungry. Rachel gave me money today! I did my very own grocery shopping with Lee today! She slept over two nights ago, we went makeup shopping yesterday, and she came over today. She’s sleeping over again tomorrow and it’ll be fun! I got all these little things, and of course I wasn’t thinking about what kind of meals I’d be putting together. Way to go, me; way to go. This “independant living” thing is hard stuff. Rachel and her fam live upstairs and stuff, but they still come down here so technically she’s my landlord? Not a clue. It’s my own space, and that’s really all I know. I wore foundation for the first time today! It was alright. I looked into the church mirror during youth group tonight and it looked SO weird; like my entire face was turning a lighter shade for some reason! It was much like I pasted and rubbed white eye shadow all over; it blended but not! My old neighbor Kristen got cast in Unauthorized Saved By the Bell. I always knew she’d be a good actress since we were kids, but I guess this “fame” went to her head. She all of a sudden got kinda big about herself and stuff. She’s not even famous yet! Still 19. But I’m proud of her, y’know? It’s a big break. If only I and Andrew could get one like that! Not sure if we’ll take Harry with us in the band still. We might break up. Or I might just quit. Andrew said he’d manage me if I quit, and he seems to be really good at that. He had me reading and watching YouTube videos about FL 11 (Fruity Loops), the looping producing music program. I used to mess around with Garageband in elementary school, and the layout was just a little more advanced, so I think I could at least get SOME sort of loop going on. Simon Le Bon is perfect. Nick Rhodes is love. John Taylor is life. David Bowie is my hero. David Sylvian is an icon. I’m going now. -Xweezy
September 12, 2014, 11:20 PM
Another skype call with Andrew. He's playing piano and singing the new lyrics he wrote. He just got his laptop back (it was taken away because of the party last week where we both ended up in the hospital). He and I were talking about Harry. He's so outdated with his guitar playing; he's a true 70's child, despite being born in the 90's. We gotta keep him until we find someone who's willing to do Radiohead-type things (Kid A revolutionized my life)! Went to my friend's youth group with her and her twin. It was alright, but we didn't talk to anybody and nobody really talked to us. All the youth leaders were really good looking, including the one grilling hot dogs but the entire youth group is mostly made of kids 2-3 years older than me. The "Snob Posse" is what my friends call them - weird, huh? You hear about cliques in the movies, not really in real life. Well.. sadly the exist. And they pretend they're better than you, despite being basically five years old. They saw me and my friends "star tipping" (looking at a star in the sky, spinning until you're about to fall, then running or jumping while a bright light is shone in your eyes) and decided to follow. Soon, all the kids under the age of two months old were doing it. My friend from Ethiopia messaged me on Facebook! She's going to Addis Ababa to get her medical papers done to she can move to Las Vegas :D I'm so excited to see her! Andrew keeps singing over skype. I need to share the lyrics I wrote for a song for bass and vocals. I need to share them with him, so I'm gonna jet! See ya! -Xweezy
September 12, 2014, 2:09 AM
In a skype call with Pillow and Robin. We're playing Cards Against Humanity online, and everyone is laughing. I'm listening to "Lay lady Lay" by Bob Dylan for literally the 37th time on this website, ListenOnRepeat.com. It's pretty handy. I didn't do much today; woke up at around 11:30 AM to see my outreach worker Melissa, and we went on a walk. She told me to make better choices about the parties I go to. Mom won't let the fact that I got drunk at a grad party go. She said she'll never forgive me. Dad, on the other hand, just texted me emojis of beer bottles and hospitals. "Choices, dude" he said, then sent me an ambulance emoji. I thought it was funny. I slept all day today basically.. I feel like a freaking cat! Meow ^_^ Robin's brother, Harry, departed our amazing skype call to go to bed! LAME. He's the guitarist in my band, along with Andrew (singer) and Jordan (drummer). I'm the bassist, though I help Andrew with backup and even lead vocals sometimes. Ashley's still mad at me for dumping alcohol on her hair at the party. I'm soreee I was drunk. She didn't even bother to ask how the hospital and puking my face off for ever was. Mom took away my chance to take my driving test. I guess I have to wait til I'm 18 (which is NEXT YEAR!) when I'm already in university. Pillow and Robin want to end the skype call. I'm pretty sure Pillow is diggin on my cheating-abusive-player ex-boyfriend Forrest. I walked past them when I was on the way to McDonalds a few weeks ago. This stupid teacher's strike is getting in the way of me doing my grade twelve.. Anyways, I'm signing off now. Seeya! -Xweezy
quick notice
I'm gonna be changin the names of everybody that I write about (to protect anonymity!) thanks guys!
just an intro...
hello friends! i'll be starting up this new blog in which i post up daily diary entries! i find this kind of thing interesting and i once found a diary from the late seventies by the trash a few cities away and i thought it was amazing. so i chose to do the same thing! enjoy!
