Just tell me that you hate me now, Just tell me that and I'll leave you be. I dropped contact with you and deleted everything you could contact me on. So why did I reach out?
Was it because I missed you?
I knew you wouldn't want to hear from me after that, but I did what I needed to do to better myself to be good to myself. To learn to love myself again to learn to laugh again to learn how to be a person again. To find a way to even out to find a way to make me, well me again.
So why am I so surprised by your coldness when I expected it? Why am I so surprised by how quickly you wanted that conversation to end?
Five years- Five years we were together. And you're the one who left me. I tried to be sympathetic and empathize with your feelings over our relationship being over. I know I changed but that's because I lost someone close to me. Someone who I brought a child into this world with. Someone who was by my side for 8 years, and you left me because I just wasn't the same. I needed space after that I had to figure out what I was going through. I knew you wanted to support me but there was no way you could, no one could. I had to learn how to be alone for my sake. I had to learn how to be a person again and not a victim.
I don't think you'll ever understand that kind of pain, and if you ever do I am so sorry. But I'm not going to let myself feel guilty for doing what I needed to get done. I'm not going to let my self guilt eat me away until I'm nothing more than a hallow shell. I am above that now.
I was hoping we could be friends but it's clear now- after just 1 month of absolutely no contact that now you want nothing to do with me. I could say all those paranoid thought I had when we were together were true, now I'm just a memory of a pretty face and words on a screen.
And yes it's upsetting and yes it does make my chest hurt and my heart tense and fall into my stomach thinking about that. But I've learned I need to not put other peoples feelings before my own, that it's okay to feel my emotions and feel them how they come now and no longer allow them to dictate my actions.
With all this being said I want to apologize. For everything we know I did, I want to apologize for the hurt I caused you and the stress and heart ache. I am truly sorry, but you'll never know that.
I'm writing this here because I need to let these emotions out, I need to feel this but I don't need you to hear it. I guess this is my good bye, in a long self centered vent. Good bye to you and may life treat you well, may the gods watch over you and guide down the path in life you so deserve. I'm sorry Loki had been rough on you this last month and I'm sorry he's playing these factors in your life.
But maybe it's what you deserve. I felt like I knew you but in the same breath I felt I didn't. I always brought it up and you never changed. You stayed bottled up about your friends about your personal life, about it all. Unless you were complaining about a car or you were complaining about the home life, that's all I knew.
I asked Loki one day during my journey to right those who have wronged me and bring upon them the consequences they deserve to have. And so he did, I'm not sorry for asking him for help but I am sorry for what happened to you.
I'm done being sorry, and I will no longer contact you. You can reach out to me when you're ready, but I know now nothing I can say or do could fix the friendship I have ruined and I just have to be okay with that and if that's how I have to be then I'll learn how to be okay with it.
Goodbye.
