she's so vacant, her soul is taken. @yourgramamaprobablyknowme - Tumblr Blog

I think I'm losing it.

Not that anyone will read this anyway. I guess this is my journal for anyone who wants to read it.

I'm having the worst time. I struggle everyday. I'm still ten feet deep in grief. And yet, I have a baby who is dependent on me to get out of bed, shower, feed him, change his diapers, change his clothes. I feel like I am failing. Obviously, physically, he is a tubby little baby. Aside from the fact that his is so poorly sick right now, he is usually happy. giggly.

I sometimes let my emotion take over. Like, big feelings. I've lost my shit a few times; yelling at him. I can't do it all, everyday. It never ends. When he cries it triggers these feelings that I cannot shake. I lose myself. I've LOST myself. I hate the way I look. My hair is terrible. I'm more overweight than I have ever been.

Will it ever get better?

#mom life

Long time, no talk.

Well. A lot has happened. I don’t even know where to begin. 2017, my partner and I moved to Las Vegas. His work brought us there. I left everything and everyone I knew behind. We bought a house. Then the pandemic hit. And that nearly ruined us. Both relationship wise and financially. But, we did it. We pulled through. Then, nine months ago, I got pregnant. I had this beautiful idea of what my life would be like. What kind of dad my partner was going to be. What kind of life we were going to have. We found out it was a boy and we both, couldn’t be happier.

Six months ago, everything changed. I dropped my partner off at work, kissed him and gave him his lunch box. Off he went. I went home to do some things in the nursery and I ended up falling asleep. About an hour later, there was a pounding at my door. There stood my partner, being held up by his coworker. They attempt to come upstairs and my partner collapses in the stairs, barely coherent. We finally get him upstairs and on the couch when I realized he had lost control of his bladder. I knew something wasn’t right. We took him to the hospital and they swept him away. I was left in the emergency room for 45 minutes before anyone called his name. I went to the back where the triage doctor told me there was a brain bleed, there were many causes to it but the most common are hitting the head and high blood pressure. I still hadn’t seen him. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. He was on a ventilator but he was conscious. He was drifting in and out of what looked like sleep. And he never left the hospital. In January 31st, he was officially declared brain dead.

March 12th, I gave birth to our son. I have never felt more alone, even though my mom was there. From then on, that loneliness has never left. It made it’s home in my chest and continues to grow.

April 24th, we moved to Washington State to be with my family. They have been a huge help. But I feel like because I got going to get everything done, arrange the afterlife care, the burial, the funeral, the move; I never stopped.

As I type this out on my iPhone, I am crying quietly. My cousin is getting married on Tuesday and there are a house full of people. I have tried and tried to make this living situation work and it’s just simply, not working. Everything I do, every time I try to help, it’s wrong. Even something as stupid as making cookie dough for my mom, I seemed to totally mess that up. She chewed me out because I didn’t add the second bag of chocolate chips to the dough.

I feel like I’m stuck and I will never get unstuck. And the loneliness grows.

#fake happy #confessions of a widow #will I ever feel normal again?

thewuzzy

pajamasecrets

Pedro Pascal for Casillero Del Diablo, 2021.

losthavenmine

Star + outifts - for Anon

The Lost Boys (1987)

psychoticful

“It’s strange, when someone’s very important and you haven’t seen them for a long time, as soon as you do, it’s easier to breathe.” The End of the F***ing World (S02E02)

themandaloriansource

The Macaroon Saga™

whitepeopletwitter

andremichaux

Billy Madison (1995)

whitepeopletwitter

darlingsteve-deactivated2023062

“oh yeah, get comfy.”

chris please just break my back✋🏼🥺

nowthisnews

‘Race and racism is a reality that so many of us grow up learning to just deal with. But if we ever hope to move past it, it can’t just be on people of color to deal with it. It’s up to all of us – Black, white, everyone – no matter how well-meaning we think we might be, to do the honest, uncomfortable work of rooting it out. It starts with self-examination and listening to those whose lives are different from our own. It ends with justice, compassion, and empathy that manifests in our lives and on our streets.’ — Michelle Obama