You Tried, You Failed

you tried smith college, you tried

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithies,

You tried to make the cheap alcohol taste good and you failed. Next time try one of these drinks ;)

http://smithcollegedrinks.tumblr.com/

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithies:

Like many of you, we were deeply offended when we did not receive the invite to attend the Amherst bball mixer today :( I for one, just bought a new Lily Pulitzer blouse and was hoping to flaunt my a-cup goodies. This of course, is entirely sarcastic and in no way would ever happen. We, like most of Smith College, were upset by the ‘sorority’ scandal that exploded just the other day. However, we are not here to complain about this Smithie…we are actually here to complain about the rest of you. Here is the deal, what she did was not OK. I read the letter Tuesday morning and felt like shit all day. The emotions you feel are valid, and I understand why you feel certain ways because I feel the same. However, the way this girl is being treated is actually disgusting. I am disappointed by the responses I have read and heard. It is not appropriate to say you want to ‘curb stomp’ anyone, this girl does not deserve to ‘go to hell’ ( can I just say that if hell does in fact exist it is going to be way more fun anyways…all my friends will be there…well my ex will be too…hmm…maybe I should try and be good….nahhh). We are all smart people, and I would like to believe that when an issue arises we can all gather our wits and address it in a manner that is respectful, articulate, and in general a lot fucking classier than what has been done. What happened was not a direct attack on the gay community, but an act of ignorance that could have been addressed in a contained and responsible manner. We, as a community, should work to educate and explain rather than come at others with pitch forks. It sucks to be discriminated against. I have experienced it many times and it never gets easier, but those of us who have been through it should understand that no one deserves that direct experience of hate. Ignorance is one thing, but bullying and hatred is another, and it is much worse than an exclusive group ,that in all honesty, no one really wants to be a part of anyways. Kill it with kindness my friends, not violence, not threats, just love (and education).

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear First Year,

Let me be the first to say how excited we all are that you chose Smith College. Smith is my haven, my bubble - my wonderfully smart, beautiful, exciting, stressful, and incredibly gay home. Sometime I actually get overwhelmed at how gay Smith can be at times. There are just so many choices, so much drama! I can't imagine what it must be like being straight in the real world...how do you deal with all the options! Alas, you are at Smith now, and your options have become pretty limited :( So in a way, I kind of understand why you are sub tweeting me about how #uncomfortable you were when I 'flirted' with you the other day. I get it, you're bored, there arn't many men around to oogle or flirt with. But i'm not trying to pull a Robin Thicke on you babe, i was just introducing myself..no blurred lines here...just friends. When i said I liked your shirt I really meant i liked your shirt...it was nice..i like pink. Do me and my fellow queers a favor and try not to flatter yourself. I'd also recommend you not tweet about someone who is following you on twitter... #awkward. 

                      Seriously...no blurred lines...I hate that song

[youtriedyoufailed]

While we planned on taking a hiatus for the summer, this post, because of its dire urgency, simply could not wait. 

Dear Representative Vicky Hartzler (R-Mo),

On the 27th of June you appeared on to PBS News Hour you to defend your position on the repeal of DOMA. While I am sure you remember your arguments, which can be viewed on the transcript of the broadcast

(http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/law/jan-june13/scotus2_06-27.html),

  I will go ahead and summarize your points:

  1.  DOMA’s repeal goes against dual sovereignty by denying states rights

2.  Marriage should be between a man and woman because that’s what children  deserve.

3.  The people of America do not want gay marriage

The concern of this letter is not to argue these points, in fact it much more serious than a matter of opinion. As a Pre-Med student I feel it is my obligation to do what I can to preserve the health of those around me. After viewing your segment and analyzing the data I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that you have been suffering from a previously undiagnosed case of homophobia. Here is an excellent informative website that describes in detail about your condition

http://curehomophobia.org/

  All those years it was hiding behind arguments of states rights when in reality there was an underlying cause of this opinion. But hey! Don’t worry! There is plenty we can do together to cure this serious disease. Here is one possible treatment that has been proven to be very effective

(http://www.theonion.com/articles/revolutionary-new-homophobia-immersion-therapy-inv,19264/)

Other possible treatments include:

1. Join a friendly gay couple for a nice day in the park, this treatment is used to show the patient how gays are in fact no different from any other person.

2. Go to a high school and witness first hand bullying targeted towards gay youth, this treatment is used in hopes that the participant will see how gay demonization perpetuated by the right wing and other aspects of society affect real people.

3. Watch gay porn, this treatment is usually used a second option and tests to see if there are underlying homosexual tendencies that are being repressed.

4. Learn how to stop being such an asshole, this treatment is quite radical, and is hard to undergo, but overall it is the most effective of the various options.

I sincerely hope you can fight this debilitating disease. Please remember that this condition is quite contagious, and so on doctors orders I am going to have to request that you refrain from appearing on any additional television programs in order to decrease the rate at which this disease spreads.

Again, very sorry about your diagnosis and please get well soon,

Dr. YTYF

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Finals: Fu*k you

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie- Hey, I’m all about feminism and sh*t. If you don’t want to shave, don’t shave!!! I, for one, haven’t shaved my armpits In 2 weeks. I should pretty much just concede and start carrying around a mason jar. However, there is a problem when you finally do decide to shave and then leave your pubes everywhere. Vulgarity is usually my co-author’s area of specialty, so I apologize for being so straight forward. But I’m just not entirely sure how to phrase that to make it less gross…..i mean it’s gross…it’s fu*king gross. Why the fuck do you think it’s OK to shave on the toilet seat, that is not what I want to see when I stumble into the bathroom at 2 AM. Or what about the time I found your public hair all over the sink counter….I mean how does that even happen? Where you like….shaving that shit in the sink…does that even work? I guess that’s pretty impressive… in a way. I don’t know babe, just do me a solid and either own the feminism and don’t shave, or fu*king clean up after yourself.

My face when I walked into the bathroom stall at 2 AM while taking a break from 'talking' to my girlfriend about 'feelings'. 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie: Listen, I’m all about the whole ‘no going to class thing’, mainly because my girlfriend keeps me up until 3 AM 'talking' about 'feelings'. I do however, understand that when I decide to sleep instead of attending lecture, it is strictly my fault and no one elses responsibility to ensure I do well in the class. So here’s the deal… don't ask me for the answers to the test when you haven't been to class for a month and a half. This is the one class I actually do go to every day and I take copious notes... well.. If 50 minute power naps count as attendance and note taking. Let’s be honest babe, no one knows what's going on in that class. Unless unintelligent doodles will help you pass the final, my notes aren’t going to do much. But hey, good luck describing, in detail, the mechanisms of neurogenesis !!!

 an accurate representation of what my notes from yesterdays class look like, switching "bunnies" with "cats"

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Lazarus Center: Are you really asking me to write seven, 300 word short essays on how I will handle problems that arise in my internship this summer? I don’t fu*king know how I am going to handle something before it happens. What the fu*k could possibly happen? Besides a chemical spill (the most elaborate and improbable thing I can think of), I will probably end up spilling coffee on my lab coat…in that case I will deal with that problem by a) pretending like there is not a huge brown stain on my boob, or b) going to the dry cleaners.  Is that good enough? No! You now want me to explain what this organization will learn about smith students? Oh don’t worry, I won’t fu*king embarrass you. I’m usually pretty good at flattering myself, but I’m not about to write 300 words on how great of a scientist I am and how great I will make Smith look. I’m not interested buddy. Instead of making me write these how about you let me get back to my actual essay due in class tomorrow. 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smith College Republicans: I’m all about voicing opinions, everyone has a voice and has a right to use it. However, your poster in the CC is confusing me. It reads, “Conservative ideas empowered, gays, blacks, women, disagree?” I would really like to believe that you are not being purposefully offensive, in fact, I would bet that this a poster supporting ideas that go against the conservative status quo. But unfortunately this poster makes it seem like you are perpetuating homophobia racism, and sexism. Now I could go on a rant about republicans for hours, but my mother told me if I don’t have anything nice to say to not say it all…so in this case I will refrain. Instead I am going to go ahead and rant about the importance of clarity. Clarity is important in day to day communication. For example, one time I requested to my friends we go on a run. I was not referring to an actual run, but to a trip to the liquor store. One of my friends, the derp she is, actually thought I meant a run…like exercise…ewww. So while I proceeded to calculate how much money it would cost to get me drunk that weekend, she proceeded to strap on her running shoes. You see, this awkward misunderstanding could have been avoided if I had just been clear. You, my friends, could of avoided being homophobic and racist if you too had just been clear. Listen. I’ve been really trying to be more open minded about the republican thing, let’s no set back all that progress babe. 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Unfortunately, due to my current state I am unable to think of something witty and generally offensive to write. Actually no wait...i do have a complaint...why the fu*k did they put collaborations on 4/20. What a**holes. Anyways.....happy holidays my friends, may your day be chill as fu*k

P.S. maybe it should be happy holidaze

P.P.S. I think i'm funny 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie: This is a complaint not to a person, but towards a trend I have observed on this campus. Usually I am all fun and games and sarcastic, but in this case I am being only slightly sarcastic. Listen, I am glad you found your niche to fulfill here at Smith. As a fellow queer I am so happy, not just for you, but for all of us that we finally have a place were we are accepted and encouraged to express ourselves. This expression, however, does not give you the right to treat women as dispensable objects. You’re hot, you’re wanted, you have ‘swag’, I get it, I really do. But next time I see you lead a girl on like that and then dump her without a care in the world, without even letting her know what is going on, and without any respect for her feelings (oh my everything I just mentioned feelings in a serious manner….gross)….I will literally track you down and punch you in the face….well no not actually I hate violence…but I will sit you down and yell at you profusely( you just wait, I can be really scary, i will wave my hands and get all red in the face and everything). As a woman you should understand that some of us have been through the ringer when it comes to being disrespected, and you, my friend, are being incredibly disrespectful. In fact, you are acting a lot like the captain of my high school basketball team. Just because you shot 50 points in one game doesn’t make you the ‘shit’, in fact you were the worst hook-up I’ve ever had…..the nerd from my computer science class was actually ten times better. So here is some advice self titled BDOC, and it’s quite simple, I’m sure you have heard it before…. treat everyone the way you wish to be treated.

 P.S. if I ever see you do that to anyone again….i swear….uuugggghh… I will yell at you so hard. 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Submission!! Angry anon is angry, but i mean hey...you have a point there babe.

Dear Smithie,

I know you were just trying to contribute to the conversation today in Sociology when you started talking about that one black girl from your high school, but you were actually being.....I don't know how to phrase this nicely...a racist bitch. To be honest, almost every time you speak in class you come off as a bit conceited, so maybe it would be best if you put a little thought into what you’re going to say before you speak again. I know you don’t realize you’re really narrow-minded and self-centered, but it’s about time you fixed that. You know it’s never too late to become more socially aware.

[youtriedyoufailed]

Do you have to keep posting this on the Smith tag? It's getting old pretty fast. Sure, it was funny the fist few times but now it's just kind of sad. Don't you have anything better to do with your time?

Yes, yes I do have a lot of things better to do with my time....do I choose to do them...no not really. I guess I could apologize for making you sad ...but i'm confused as to why. I mean i'm sorry you're upset.. i'll go get you some tissues or something... but i am still confused. You know what makes me sad ..world hunger, dead puppies, slow internet connection....but my tumblr trolling...not really? Wow you must be really sensitive, from now on I will try much harder to cater to your emotional needs. But we really have to work together to make it better, i'll try to be more conscious of your sensitivity and maybe you could spend less time on tumblr reading my posts and stalking incoming first years on the smith college tag. 

[youtriedyoufailed]

Submission!!! 

Dear Smithies (and community members):

So some of your posters are beautiful and I know they deserve to show off, but my work study is to post them in an academic building, so if you really want them seen here are some tips:

DO post multiple posters, especially if they are oversized AND horizontal. It demonstrates that you are an obnoxious, desperately attention-seeking org.

DO post your posters on top of other posters for events that will take place BEFORE yours. It implies you don’t care about your shit enough to notice where you are posting it.

DO make posters there are oversized AND horizontal, WITH oversized text from edge to edge. It shows that you are truly efficient with your time and space.

DO make posters that have typos (“you had me your your preferred gender pronoun” WTF), illegible fonts (@$&@*%&%#^# say what?), and image resolution from the 90’s. It implies a lot more about you.

If you follow these 4 simple rules (DOs, not DON’Ts), you will be well on your way to being an obnoxious, desperately attention-seeking, careless, inefficient, and more org/person/business.

Thank you for increasing the amount of time I work (and therefore the amount of money I make)!

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie: It’s great that you have so many friends. But you and your friends are taking up the entire sidewalk. I get that you want to all be engaged in conversation, but you are walking at a pace equivalent to a snail. I’m already 5 minutes late to class, lets not make this any worse than it already is. How about you try not to walk 5 people in a row so I can pass you. On the upside, your ass looks great in those pants!

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie: Oh no, I am so sorry your macbook pro has been working slowly, that is truly truly aweful. I for one, have panic attacks when I can’t mindlessly surf the internet. Oh that really sucks it won’t let you upload the pictures from your 5,000 dollar spring break trip. I was actually really looking forward to seeing pictures of you in that bikini :( I wouldn’t worry though, that trip to Venice your parents are just making you go on should produce many new photos of you half naked and slightly intoxicated. By then I’m positive you will have received a new laptop (Looking at your dock I can tell you right now you are running too many programs for the amount of RAM you have). Babe, your first world problems are killing me…I’m usually not one to say this but…check your privilege.

[youtriedyoufailed]

Dear Smithie: Hey thanks so much for using all my laundry detergent. I really appreciate it. Hey! don't give me that look, I'm serious. It was totally my fault for accidentally leaving my super soft snuggles fabric softener in the laundry room. I'm am a little confused though, I only left the bottles ( which were quite full ) for a few days, how did you end up doing 13 loads? You must have a lot of clothes that have to be washed...that's kinda gross babe. 

P.S. you owe my girlfriend (who's detergent I had to use) 3 loads of laundry detergent 

P.P.S. Fu*k you