December 9. That was the day we truly spent our last day as a couple. I remember that we watched Kingsman Golden Circle at your place after we shopped for Tiger's collar and food at the newly opened cat shop at SM East Ortigas and for food that we will be munching on as we watch the movie.
Everything was fine until the movie ended. We we're cuddling but you clearly have other plans which I already gave you a warning the previous night. That if you do something that you weren't supposed to, I'd get mad at you. But instead of adhering to what we already talked about, you gave me attitude because I do not let you do what you want. And you asked me if I'm not going home yet. I didn't move or speak. I just sat there. Browsing my phone and waiting for you to realize what you are doing. You did and you asked if we can talk...
We went outside and we talked about everything about us. You said that you are finally ready to let me go. But you don't have the balls to even say it out right. That you are already breaking up with me. So I have to be the one to do it. I have to break us apart because you cannot do it. I've been crying in front of you the entire time that we've been talking but you are just standing there... looking at me with pain in your eyes.
We have been prolonging our agony of hurting each other... you are trying to change who you really are because what your body wants is different from the beliefs that you want to follow. Leaving me with following the rules that you set for us to help you but you're also the first one to break the rules just to get what you want. I slowly got tired of hoping that you can beat this. That you will find a permanent solution to this but I've already reached my limit. I got tired of waiting and waiting for nothing because you continuously default to your original disposition despite the progress you've made for months.
Now I am all alone... wondering if I lack on something in our entire relationship because I haven't helped you heal from that problem you've been suffering from since you were a kid. I did everything I could to help you buy it still wasn't good enough for you to be free from it.
The past month have been extremely tiring. I cried myself to sleep, bury myself in watching series and vlogs, helping out with the move to the new house and trying to be strong so other people wouldn't even know what I am going throigh because I am getting tired of explaining if I am okay and why we broke up.
Its hard. I've blocked you on all my social media just recently because I have seen your posts. How devastated you are as well on loosing me... us. I can't help myself move forward and heal if all I'll be seeing is you ranting out how much you miss me. This wouldn't even have happened if you were strong enough to fix yourself not just for our relationship but for yourself as well.
There's nothing I can do. Its already a month since we parted ways. But seeing you looking out for me with a huge smile on your face while I walk out the door after the service breaks my heart even more. Because I miss you. Everything about you. Your smile that shows off your dimple, your chinkee brown eyes that I love to stare at, your big arms that envelopes me in a hug, your hands that holds mine while we walk, your laughter that I love hearing especially if I am the reason behind it and your lips that utters the sweetest, most genuine words that declares how much you care for me. I miss you so much that it freaking hurts. That's why I didn't have the strength to look at you or even talk to you when I saw you earlier today. I was reminded of the pain that I've been trying to bury by going out with friends and not talking about what happened with us. Why there's no longer an 'us'...
I no longer know what to do. I want to go back to you but its not right. It will only hurt the both of us more. I just wish you'll get better... but for real this time. Even if I am no longer a part of you.
5years 2months and 3days of being together. It was a long time. And I don't regret any of it. If you come back to me... I hope you finally know what you want in your life and you will be able to stand with it.
I wish this will be the last time that I will be crying because of our failed relationship. I hope my heart will be healed as well, just as your entire being will be healed too.