Your Sweetest Nightmare

Cat Lover | Chocoholic | Blue Addict | Architecture Student | Frustrated Singer | Bookworm | Potterhead | Heroine | A+

[yuienatsuko]

The past few months had been extremely difficult. I don't know if I should still hold on when I'm constantly getting hurt and disappointed. I'm really trying my best to help and be good, but no matter how hard I try... it's not working. I'm starting to doubt myself again, to depend on what other people thought of. I'm starting to get drained again. I can barely sleep and eat. I always cry for hours not knowing when to stop. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared that I'd end up alone again because I can't make myself stay when things are getting tough. I want to... I really do. But at what cost? I feel like I'm slowly losing myself again when I tried so hard to build myself up for more than 2 years. I'm so tired of everything. I feel like I'm just a huge disappointment and burden to everyone around me. Lately, I keep thinking that maybe... Maybe... If I'm no longer here, the people I love wouldn't be burdened anymore. Things would be easier for them. And I wouldn't have to try my best to constantly please them when I'm slowly dying inside. What should I do now? I feel lost again...

[yuienatsuko]

Lost and in pain...

December 9. That was the day we truly spent our last day as a couple. I remember that we watched Kingsman Golden Circle at your place after we shopped for Tiger's collar and food at the newly opened cat shop at SM East Ortigas and for food that we will be munching on as we watch the movie.

Everything was fine until the movie ended. We we're cuddling but you clearly have other plans which I already gave you a warning the previous night. That if you do something that you weren't supposed to, I'd get mad at you. But instead of adhering to what we already talked about, you gave me attitude because I do not let you do what you want. And you asked me if I'm not going home yet. I didn't move or speak. I just sat there. Browsing my phone and waiting for you to realize what you are doing. You did and you asked if we can talk...

We went outside and we talked about everything about us. You said that you are finally ready to let me go. But you don't have the balls to even say it out right. That you are already breaking up with me. So I have to be the one to do it. I have to break us apart because you cannot do it. I've been crying in front of you the entire time that we've been talking but you are just standing there... looking at me with pain in your eyes.

We have been prolonging our agony of hurting each other... you are trying to change who you really are because what your body wants is different from the beliefs that you want to follow. Leaving me with following the rules that you set for us to help you but you're also the first one to break the rules just to get what you want. I slowly got tired of hoping that you can beat this. That you will find a permanent solution to this but I've already reached my limit. I got tired of waiting and waiting for nothing because you continuously default to your original disposition despite the progress you've made for months.

Now I am all alone... wondering if I lack on something in our entire relationship because I haven't helped you heal from that problem you've been suffering from since you were a kid. I did everything I could to help you buy it still wasn't good enough for you to be free from it.

The past month have been extremely tiring. I cried myself to sleep, bury myself in watching series and vlogs, helping out with the move to the new house and trying to be strong so other people wouldn't even know what I am going throigh because I am getting tired of explaining if I am okay and why we broke up.

Its hard. I've blocked you on all my social media just recently because I have seen your posts. How devastated you are as well on loosing me... us. I can't help myself move forward and heal if all I'll be seeing is you ranting out how much you miss me. This wouldn't even have happened if you were strong enough to fix yourself not just for our relationship but for yourself as well.

There's nothing I can do. Its already a month since we parted ways. But seeing you looking out for me with a huge smile on your face while I walk out the door after the service breaks my heart even more. Because I miss you. Everything about you. Your smile that shows off your dimple, your chinkee brown eyes that I love to stare at, your big arms that envelopes me in a hug, your hands that holds mine while we walk, your laughter that I love hearing especially if I am the reason behind it and your lips that utters the sweetest, most genuine words that declares how much you care for me. I miss you so much that it freaking hurts. That's why I didn't have the strength to look at you or even talk to you when I saw you earlier today. I was reminded of the pain that I've been trying to bury by going out with friends and not talking about what happened with us. Why there's no longer an 'us'...

I'm lost... in pain...

I no longer know what to do. I want to go back to you but its not right. It will only hurt the both of us more. I just wish you'll get better... but for real this time. Even if I am no longer a part of you.

5years 2months and 3days of being together. It was a long time. And I don't regret any of it. If you come back to me... I hope you finally know what you want in your life and you will be able to stand with it.

I wish this will be the last time that I will be crying because of our failed relationship. I hope my heart will be healed as well, just as your entire being will be healed too.

[yuienatsuko]

Tired and helpless 😭💔

I've been trying to live up to your expectations ever since I can remember. I always follow your rules even if some of them sound ridiculous. For example, whenever you scold me when I was younger, you always tell me that you don't like hearing me cry. And if I cry... my cries shouldn't even reach you because if they do, I'll surely get a beating from you. And ever since then, I've learned to cry with no sound. I've always kept everything deep inside me. Buried. No one even knows if I'm hurting because I can't cry out loud. That's what you taught me. I've lived my whole life in fear from you. Because that's how you raised me. Strict discipline and always in fear that if I don't follow the rules, you'll hurt me. I keep on telling myself that its out of love, that you only want what was best for me. But sometimes I wonder, until when will I live like this? Until when will I live trying my best not to disappoint you and achieve everything you want for me? I'm tired of living my life trying to please you and everybody else. I've always thought that that is the only way I can live because that's what I'm already used to. Trying to do everything that other people want for me. I tried and is still trying to be what you want me to be. To achieve and excel in everything that I do because I am afraid of disappointing you. I've never heard that you were proud of me. Atleast not from your lips. The only way you know how to encourage me to do better is by discouraging me that I can't do it, that I won't be any better than anyone else because I'm dumb or whatever word you can come up with. I've been putting up with your words ever since because I can't even try to protect myself from you. Because trying to protect myself means talking back to you which you only see as being rude and disrespectful. I am tired of trying to be the perfect daughter that you wanted me to be. You don't know what I am going through. You never ask or care. You just want me to be perfect and achieve everything even if I am already tired and done trying. You don't know how disappointed I feel for being extended in finishing my course for more than 2 years now. You don't know that I feel useless, stupid, hopeless and alone for almost a year now. I no longer feel that I need to live. I no longer know what purpose I have for being alive up until now. All you know is that you have to inflict fear into my consciousness every moment you have. I am tired... of everything. I try to lift myself up but I can't because I feel all alone. I have other people encouraging me and cheering me on but that's not enough. Because for once, just once, I want to hear encouraging words from you. Not the discouragement-you-have-to-fear-me words but actual encouragements that you believe in me and my skills. After all, half of me came from you. I want you to stop hurting me mentally just as you stop hurting me physically since 3rd year high school. You're all I have now because mom is already in heaven. Its just the two of us now. Please... hear me. 😭💔

[yuienatsuko]

The only time I get to see my aunts and cousins from my mom's side is when its Christmas or if someone from the family died. You will be forever missed, Lolo Sulping. 😔 Please say hi to mom for me. 😊 #072417 #LateUpload #LoloSulpingsWake (at Bunyi Compound Muntinlupa City)

[yuienatsuko]

Goodbye Marikina and hello MoA! 😊😊😊 We'll see you in a few hours, Coldplay! 😍😍😍❤❤❤ #040417 #AHFoDTour #ColdplayinManila

[yuienatsuko]

Thursday-rest day means lunch out with these two pogi. 😁🍽❤ #030217 #KingBee #ChineseFood #FoodIsLove (at King Bee)

[yuienatsuko]

An open letter to the greatest woman in my life... I think, this is the last photo the three of us took when you are still with us. Alive, strong and happy. It's been 9 years, mommy. And no matter how hard I try to bury this pain with all the smiles, laughters and tons of work loads in school or at home... I will still go back to the fact that I haven't entirely accepted that you're no longer with us. I may act like I've forgotten you, but I don't. Because everytime I think about you, I always end up crying and thinking if what would have been our lives be if you didn't succumb to your disease and you're a healthy woman who is a loving wife and mother. I know that this is not what you would have wanted... me, breaking down whenever I think about you. I'm sorry. I don't like it too but... I can't help being like this. Especially since this is the day... 9 years after your untimely death that I've witnessed and blamed myself for the past years. It's hard, you know? I always find myself envious of people who still have their moms on their side but neglects them and worse... disrespects them. They don't know hard it is to live a life without a mother who instantly knkws that something's wrong with you or encourages you to do your best on everything... I always find myself lacking the will to visit you on your birthdays, all saint's day and death anniversary because whenever I'm there... alone... I always find myself reopening the wounds and remembering clearly how you left us. How you tried to utter my name three times before you left. Visiting you puts me on memory lane that shakes me directly to my core that I don't even know what I'm doing, saying or feeling. I know that if you see me in this state, you'll be sad too. But please don't. This is how I cope on losing you. Just like what I told you at the cemetery earlier... imissyou, alot. And please don't think that you can be replaced. I may have other mother figures surrounding me, but you're the only person I will ever call 'mommy'. You have that entitlement that is etched directly on my heart. Iloveyou, mommy. 9 years without you is really hard but I keep om trying to push through with my life knowing that you are up there in heaven watching over me and daddy. I hope you're proud of me and i didn't disappoint you in any way. I will try my best to graduate and pass the board so that when you look down on us, you'll say, 'Ayun yung anak ko, oh. Architect yan'.

[yuienatsuko]

Don't Breathe movie trip earlier. 🎥🎬📽 Mula ngayon, ayoko na po talaga sa matatandang bulag. 😅😅😅 #092716 #DontBreathe #F4withJames

[yuienatsuko]

The ultimate #F4SquadGoals : Pass Architectural Design 9 (Individual Thesis 1) ✔✔✔✔✔

[yuienatsuko]

Spending Black Saturday with the awesome youth of MDC at Tanay, Rizal. └(^o^)┘ #032616 #MDCFamilyRetreat #CYF #lateupload

[yuienatsuko]

Sunrise at Tanay, Rizal. :)) #032616 #HolyWeek2016 #MDCFamilyRetreat

[yuienatsuko]

BS Architecture 4-2's original 2-3 from 3 different batches. :)) 2010, 2011 and 2012. XD #031816 #lateupload #ArkiLife #TuTri

[yuienatsuko]

When you find out that they're reading their fans' tweets to them... ♡♡♡ You make my heart swell with joy, @kamigarcia and @margaret_stohl ! (*¯︶¯*) I just wish you guys could have a book signing event here in the Philippines. :)) #031116 #HappyKid #KamiGarcia #MargaretStohl #BeautifulCreaturesSaga

[yuienatsuko]

Ang masaya at makabuluhang Valentine fellowship ng CYF kanina. :)) #022816 #CYFValentineFellowship #SaTamangPanahon

[yuienatsuko]

Found these when we were hunting for ice cream earlier... thanks for the treat, piggy! (>^ω^<) ♡♡♡ #022816 #KitkatInACone

[yuienatsuko]

Hindi naman sa lahat ng oras ay mabait ako… Kadalasan kasi, nakadepende sa ugali mo yung ugali ko.

A

[yuienatsuko]

Nakilala kita ng di inaasahan. Mula ng makita ko ang iyong mga larawan. Hindi pa man din kita nakikita ng harapan... Umaasa akong tayo ay magiging magkaibigan.

A