I have this problem where I dont take care of myself for myself i guess?
I wouldn't sleep normally or do work instead of whatever or do anything if nobody saw me. I would just rot away. To some extent of course...
I think this kinda spiraled into what im experiencing now... so long as no one points out my weight loss and worries enough to even express any interest to help me recover... I dont feel like I can and even worse:
This is the same reason why, when i binge, my parents not pointing out how what im doing is unhealthy in any way, is the reason why i do it. I do it because my mom walks by and doesn't say anything because she just expects me to have food control, even though i dont have any because no one ever taught it to me.
The only control is not eating fro as long as possible after that binge and keeping myself in a calorie deficit so i can get to a new lowest weight.
I keep getting stuck in a cycle of restricting for a week or three and then binging horribly, feeling guilty and too scared to purge it and opting for restricting to keep myself in a sense of control.
I have this constant fight between the id and the super ego.
The id could be like the hunger im supressing everyday, the smallest urge to eat something i disaproove of.
And the super ego is just crushing the id, trying to make it dissappear, the super ego is what drives me to be the perfect anorexic, the dream life of control and counting every calorie...
I dunno what im trying to say
Im sorry for venting
I
Still
Dont
Feel
Valid...
And I probably never will...
I dont see myself recovering and i rather live in the complete illusion of control instead of the primal instinct stage of ravenousity.
