Sad, Alone, and all dolled up on a Saturday night. When i was 15 you were my fairytale, a dream i could never achieve. Here we are Married, we donāt talk, we donāt fuck, we have a mortgage and full time jobs. Youāre gone every night, Iām sitting here by myself with no friends in this fucked up town. I canāt help but think if i didnāt do this... where would i be? Would i be stuck at my moms living day to day dreaming of escaping? would i be the biggest whore in the world, or Having the time of my life with someone else? would my hair be brown? or pink? or blue? would i even still talk to you? Would i have all these insecurities? Would i judge ever freckle on my face like i do now? would i give up my passions still?Ā
Who would i be without you? Would i not cry every time i orgasm? Would i not be afraid to sing to my favorite song? Hell would i have a favorite song? Would i feel guilty for buying something i donāt need? Would i have Fun???Ā
All we are is empty promises, held back tears, and a comfort zone. I donāt know how it would kill you to rub my thighs, and bite my neck. Brush my hair, and put lotion on my tired hands. I can be beaten down all day and still make you dinner and pour your cold beer as you put your feet up and watch tv. I can be contemplating suicide with a big smile on my face. I can cut my skin knowing you wonāt ever find the scar... i can as trapped as i was at 15, just this time thereās a new monster and he sleeps in my bed, and i call him my husband.
Tonight i sit here typing on this old keyboard listening to my favorite music that you hate, I have a leopard thong on, freshly shaved.Ā I could be someone elseās dream and i know youāll come home mad, and tired. Go straight to bed without even touching me. Iām Looking at my phone wanting to call him, I know heād kiss my body from my toes to the tip on my nose. He may not look like you, Or smell like you. But it all feels the same under the sheets. All the men i gave up just so i could have you, All the life i gave up. All the concerts, movies, beach days, and boyfriends i missed.
Why is it that when iām happiest Iām all alone? Why do i hope you have to work late, or get called in? Why do i hate myself so fucking much when iām with you? I Donāt do anything i like anymore. I havenāt been to my favorite places, or had my favorite food. I let you make all the decisions because itās been drilled in my head that all my choices are wrong. Yes i want to go to the market, Yes i want to go to the resale shop, Yes i want go to the beach at night, Yes i want to go to that concert, Yes i wanted to go tonight. I wanted to go. But yourāe always mad when yourāe there. you hate it, You donāt want to be there, so why would i?Ā Ā I look way too good to be home crying.
To think it all started with our passions. The same passion. The only difference is yourāe good at it. I canāt play, i canāt sing, I canāt dance, i canāt draw, i canāt do all the things iāve been passionate about my whole life. If i didnāt move, or i didnāt continue, what would have happened? If i walked out that day would i have ever met you? If i would cut alil deeper that day there wouldnāt ever of been an us.
You know it all started that month.... October 2013 was the start to the end of my life. I sliced my arms that night, i went to the fair until midnight hoping iād fall off the rides, wishing the lightning would strike. Going home to cry in my mickey mouse t shirt with blood on it from that day. All my string lights on, like they are now. A razor from a shaver, My dog in my lap. At least i had her. Now itās just me and my thoughts, on this clear night.Ā Nothing and no one to stop me from doing anything i want...Ā Ā
Iām ready to get this over with, who knows if the world will even be here when we wake up? Iām done living for the shitty weekend. I know how many ofĀ you would even care. No one even knows, no one will listen.Ā
You wonder why iā so quiet, why i never say anything. You never let ME! I have opinions, I have stories, I have so much trauma that iāve never been able to talk about. Everyone thinks iām fine.āshe never seemed depressedā And when i do everyone thinks iām scary, or mad. No one really cares they just wantĀ āgood pointsā I Really canāt ever say a damn thing, no one will let me. so no, Iām not quiet, iām not meek, Iām loud, and fun, and fucked up. but no one will ever know that. No one cares to know that. No one cares that I have tried to kill myself so many times, no one cares that i struggle every day to live, No one cares that My feelings matter, no one cares that i wanted to be invited, no one cares that touched me, no one cares that he raped me, No one cares about how i got all these scars, no one cares about the reason iāmĀ āquietā No one cares about me.
I donāt need friends that donāt need me. I canāt help im aĀ ākidā i canāt help you didnāt close your legs and now you have a kid, I canāt help that you wont listen to me. Iām always the one who listens toĀ āthe one who always listensā Iāll never be anyonesĀ ābest friendā Iām always a body, iām always an accessory, Iām always every ones last resort. The only person who can make me happy, and listen to me, is me. Iām My best friend. I think I deserve the world.
I hope one day i can really be happy.
