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Acquired Stardust
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@z0ulf00d
i know my upper arms will grow
flabby it's true
of all the women in my family
i know that the purple views
like dead fish in Seine
will dot my legs one day
and my hands will wither while
my hair turns grayish white I know that
one day my teeth will move when
my lips smile
and a flutter of hair will appear
below my nose I hope
my skin doesn't change to those blotchy
colors
i want my menses to be undifficult
i'd very much prefer staying firm and slim
to grow old like a vintage wine fermenting
in old wooden vats with style
i'd like to be exquisite I think
i will look forward to grandchildren
and my flowers all my knickknacks in their places
and that quiet of the bombs not falling on Cambodia
settling over my sagging breasts
i hope my shoulder finds a head that needs nestling
and my feet find a footstool after a good soaking
with Epsom salts
i hope I die
warmed
by the life I tried
to live
Nikki Giovanni, The Life I Led
winter without you (sarah kay, 2015) // heather (conan gray, 2020) // calendar girl (stars, 2004) // в декабре (лидия огурцова, ?) // green tree under white cloudy sky (michele purin, 2019) // once upon a december (liz callaway, 1997) // back to december (taylor swift, 2010) // the seine in december (luigi loir, 2011) // tuga iz porsea (relja popovic, 2019)
"The Egg Theory"
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death.
The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted. I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
So allow yourself to feel it.
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”
— Omar Kharyyam
“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.”
— Paulo Coelho
I’m working
on myself
for myself
by myself
“If you believe very strongly in something, stand up and fight for it.”
— Roy T. Bennett
If only I could go back and tell my younger self:
It’s okay to be a different kind of woman. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Being a women doesn't restricts you, it makes you limitless.. 。◕‿◕。
—𝗦𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗮
Permission to get deep for a second?
The reason lifting weights helps treat depression is because you don’t just work out your muscles. You also exercise the ability to dispense motivation. Build up your power to motivate yourself, you’ll find yourself doing little things that need to be done. It’s not perfect, and it can be a really slow start, but it really does help.
It’s a lot easier to lift a dumbbell a few times than it is to clean your room, but if you push yourself to lift it you will find it easier to push yourself to organize your stuff or do the dishes.
Also you can punch harder.
Focusing on counting and muscles burning instead of your racing thoughts or how much you hate yourself? Good shit. Seeing improvement every single week? Makes you feel good about yourself. Sweating profusely? Immediate result, makes you feel accomplished. Better balance? One step farther away from insecure flailing or day-long stasis! Fighting your way through those last few reps? Infinitely better than reliving bad memories about team sports at school! Sometimes I’m so depressed I don’t brush my teeth, but I never skip leg day.
“You ever love someone so much you wish things were as simple as kissing their pain away? Because “sorry” doesn’t quite cut it and “give it time” is just too intangible and all you can do is sit there with them, in silence, wishing that holding their hand was enough.”
— N.M.Sanchez, from Initial Meeting
Enchanting Bookworm Inspired Digital Illustrations by Simini Blocker
NYC based illustrator Simini Blocker understands the enchanting world bookworms revel in. From Hogwarts to Neverland or King’s Landing, Blocker captures the spellbinding imaginative realms literature has introduced to us with vibrant colours, gorgeous brushstrokes and fitting quotes from our favourite authors. You can find her gorgeous illustrations on Society6 and Etsy.
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