This woman has been coming to see me for nearly a year. Her name is Angelica Petrovic. I am just so sick as shit of her.
I can smell her when she enters the building. She wears some ridiculously cheap perfume. It’s not even that she wears too much. I just hate it.
Every session she sheepishly walks into my office and makes the same god damn small talk. That ‘How-was-your-weekend’ bullshit, it’s fucking grating. It is her money to burn, but why waste time, you know?
In all of my time of being a therapist, I have never met anyone as pitiful as Angelica, and I have sat through some dickheaded nonsense. Some people come in, and I get it, they just need me to let them off the hook mentally from their awful personalities. No one actually wants to better themselves. They just need to hear that the stupid shit they do in their lives is okay, and honestly, I am happy to oblige at an hourly rate.
Anyway, today was another session with Angelica, a big one at that. She has been going on and on for months now about feeling anxious and vulnerable in social settings. Long story short, she was teased in high school. She is such a waste.
It should’ve been simple. I talked about it with her week after week. No progress. She would insist time and time again that she needed to confront this guy Lewis, her longtime friend, about the treatment she received back then. Of course, I encouraged her to do so, but she would just show up the next week and tell me she was too frightened. I even offered to roleplay as Lewis several times, but that was not good enough. Finally, she says to me, “Dr. Belmonte, what if I brought Lewis here so you could help me confront him?”
Pathetic. But I obliged. Anything to stop the reoccurring misery of her sniveling.
That’s another thing too though. She behaves as if I were her daddy. I suppose I am to take her by the hand and lead her to serenity. I am a professional therapist, not a daycare worker for overgrown, intellectually under-developed children. I really believe some people do not have a capacity for well-being.
But as I was saying, I was forced into meeting one of Angelica’s fellow morons, but when she arrived today she was alone! I asked her if Lewis had opted not to join us, pretty much hoping that were the case. She says to me that he is on his way.
Can you believe that? She would not even meet this guy ahead of time! She is making him walk in blindly to her therapy. Not even a brunch?! How do I know this guy is even going to be caught up to speed with what she claims she needs to discuss with him?
I used the time it took for Lewis to arrive to make Angelica tell me just what the fuck she expects to happen. It turns out she did not tell him the specifics of why she has been coming to see me but that it was important for her to have him present for this session. God knows what Lewis must have been thinking, but from having met him today, I would be willing to wager that it wasn’t much.
I started coaching Angelica, and eventually Lewis came knocking. When he entered my office, he had a big dumb smile on his face. I gave him a shit-eating grin right back and welcomed him to the proceedings. Sometime toward the end of our exchange, Angelica tightened up, and the entire room along with her. Fucking miserable.
These two people are supposed to be friends? I sat there for ten minutes and listened to her recite the same small talk crap with Lewis that she does with me every week. “How is your family? How is work? Have you seen Shit Idiot lately?” I just hate it.
Finally, I reminded Angelica that she had something she wanted to discuss with Lewis. She even tried to look at me as if I were going to save her or something. I don’t know what the fuck. I just played Daddy and gave her a stern look back.
So that is when she timidly told her so-called friend of fifteen years that she felt like he was partially responsible for her lack of self-worth because he assisted in spreading a rumor IN HIGH SCHOOL that she was easy.
Man, let me tell you. The look on this guy’s face was priceless. It was like watching someone at the moment that dissociative amnesia strikes them, but that could not have been the case here because that would mean he would have felt guilt at any point in his fucked life. He actually tried to pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about.
Here is how I see it. This guy is a fucking loser. I guarantee that the only reason this guy even remained friends with this person is that he thinks he could end up fucking her at some point. As a boy, he helped slander this young girl as a whore, but the mother fucker never got any and continues to never get any. He is a god damn fuck vulture.
In any case, they started going back and forth about their god damn sophomore year of high school. She brought up trusting him by sharing her feelings for another guy with him. He continued to play dumb and innocent. I would referee here and there, but I mostly sat back and just watched the stupidest fucking people plague their adult lives with teenage problems.
Once they tired themselves out with accusations and denials, I told them both their respective flaws. They ended up resetting back to their insincere congeniality before time was up. The two hugged before Lewis left as fast as he could. I like to think that he is drunk somewhere right now invading the personal space of several young women...
{{CRASH}}
Dr. Belmonte looks to his left to see a waiter react to the shattering glass he had just dropped. The waiter visibly grits his teeth to keep from cursing aloud. Dr. Belmonte turns back grinning toward the table to continue.
“At least, I am not the only one having a rough day, but anyway, I told Angelica to consider eliminating that relationship from her life. Then I became free, and here I am. Time for a rum and coke. What are the specials tonight?”
He opens a small menu that was propped up on the table and peers inside. Across from his menu, his friend Leif looks unimpressed.
“You’re not even going to ask how I’ve been?”
“Feel free to express yourself, Leif,” Dr. Belmonte responds without looking up from the menu.
“You’re a fucking dick. You’ve got a lot of nerve acting the way you do. How you can act so superior and entitled I’ll never know. It’s bad enough you come in here making a scene and being rude and dismissive toward me, but what the fuck are you howling about your god damn patients’ lives for? Don’t you have a hippocratic oath or something?”
Dr. Belmonte smacks the small plastic menu against the table.
“Therapists don’t take a fucking oath, you dumbshit! Now shut the hell up and decide what to order.”
“Jessica told me what you said, idiot.”
Dr. Belmonte looks at Leif in silence. Leif continues.
“You’re so fucking cocky you think that people are going to have your back? Despite all of the shit you put them through. We’re all just so privileged to put up with you, right?”
Dr. Belmonte looks away as Leif gets up from the table.
“I didn’t come here to have a wild night with Dr. Belmonte. I only came to tell you to keep out of my relationship. Don’t bother calling any of us. Everyone is sick to death of you.”
Leif begins to walk away but stops to say, “Have fun listening to yourself.” He walks around the corner and disappears.
Dr. Belmonte, still silent, lifts his eyes upward with a firm quirk. The waiter approaches his table.
>>You are returning home from work after a long and difficult day. You are exhausted. You walk in the door and see your girlfriend Karen, also exhausted. She coarsely reminds you that you promised to cook dinner tonight because you’re both trying to eat healthier. You go to the kitchen to attempt to make your famous “noodles and fish.” Roll Skill Check: Cooking
11. Failure.
>>You are eating takeout with your girlfriend, Karen, in a contemptuous silence. You know you fucked up the “noodles and fish” but it had been so long since you’d last cooked. You let her pick the takeout place, which was a decent save but you’re not out of the woods yet. You break the silence. Roll for icebreaker quality.
6. Failure
>>You ask her how her day was. Super original. She says “Oh, fine…” and let’s forth a large sigh, dealing 7 ego damage. Should you read into it? Roll a Perception Check.
2. Failure.
>>She seems fine.
______
>>While on your way to work you receive a deeply upsetting text from Karen. She feels as
though whatever it is you two have been doing has run its course, and it’s simply time to go your separate ways. She’ll have her things out of the house by the time you get home from work. She is so sorry. She also seemed awfully prepared to move out. You open her Facebook page. Roll a Perception Check.
Natural 20. Critical Success. Of fucking course.
>>You notice a fairly sizable increase in posts from a guy named Kevin. Who the fuck is Kevin?
Roll a Knowledge Check: Kevin.
14. Success.
>>Kevin is a level 13 Cool Guy on Karens co-ed recreational softball team. You met him once at a barbecue. He had the shoulders of a sailor and appeared to fear nothing. You know something is up. You can just feel it. Roll a Will Save.
4. Sorry, dude. These dice are killers.
>>You call Karen, asking if there’s been anyone else. She asks if you seriously just accused her of cheating on you. She says this is exactly the sort of problem you two never talked about. She can’t believe you. She really just can’t believe you. Also she’s staying with Kevin so who knows, man.
______
>>You board the train as the news really hits you. You are surrounded by level 4 innocent strangers who appear to simply be trying to get to work on time. Overcome with emotion, you feel weak. Roll a Will Save.
8. What, did you break a mirror or something?
>>Unfortunately your resolve breaks. You cry on the train a bit. Roll a Stealth Check.
15. That’ll just barely make it.
>>Your dignity remains intact. Thank God for sunglasses.
_____
>>Months have passed. You have recouped your emotional hit points and are ready to jump back into the fray of battle and out of The Fray, the band that you’ve been listening to entirely too much since your entire goddamn life fell apart. You are on a first date with a level 9 hottie.
You are talking about hobbies in an attempt to find shared interest. Roll Charisma.
18.
>>You manage to seem confident, interesting, and definitely not still fixated on Karen, that level 20 temptress. Your date appears to be very interested in the band “The Thermals." While personally unaware, you attempt to remain involved in conversation. Roll Knowledge Check:
The Thermals.
1. Critical Failure.
>>You say you saw them at Pitchfork one year. They’ve never played that festival you idiot. You don't know anything about The Thermals you fucking fraud. Your date fakes a phone call and never returns. On your way out, you see Karen out to dinner with literally 3 other men.
I am given to believe that I look pretty healthy for my age. I also feel pretty good, because over time I have learned what my body likes to consume and what is pleasant to do or avoid. I also feel pretty good because I am comparing my current feeling to how my early-20's self (who felt pretty bad most of the time) expected I would feel at 36 (much worse). How do I do it?
Vitamins: B's & D's for energy etc., and iron because I'm slightly anemic and I navigate using the earth's magnetic field. Speaking of vitamins, can we talk about hallucinogens? We can't, really, because a zine is a non-interactive medium, and also the effects of psychoactive drugs are by definition kind of ineffable. However, I would like to recommend (as long as you're not already on the brink of serious psychological splintering) that you consume psilocybin mushrooms. Start with a small dose and then work your way up, waiting a few months in between each time to digest the experience and reassure your nerd friends or your nerd self that you are fine and in fact almost certainly improved. One of my few regrets is that I waited until my mid-30's to try them. I really think all of my younger selves could have used a gentle slap upside the inside of their heads.
I make my own coffee pretty much every day and I love it and I look forward to it, but I don't feel too bad if I don't have it, as long as I keep moving. That is one of the main benefits of coffee -- it makes you feel like you're moving even when you're not. I bike everywhere, but it's not for fitness, I just hate waiting for buses and trains, and I don't want to afford a car. I really like zipping through traffic and more or less safely flouting lights and signs, and not thinking about gas, parking, payments, or tickets. I just wish I could give my friends rides.
It has been shown scientifically that social connection is one of the most important things for human health, and right now I feel more socially able and stable than any other time in my life. Even the recurring feeling that most people secretly hate me is on the wane. I've been making some great new friends, finding new things to talk to old friends about as we all change, and unfollowing goobers on Facebook.
Lately the big changes that I see some of my friends going through on the internet are about making their own families, with partners and children. Many fathers say you cannot be a real man who really knows what life is about until you are a father, and I must say that being a quasi-man living a feeble shadow-life is the thing for me. I can hardly sit through a whole movie, and any child of mine seems like a sequel that the world is not asking for. I am strongly considering getting a vasectomy. What if you could give a pretty decent movie a vasectomy so that it could never have bad sequels that ruin everything?
Religion is another thing that is supposed to be important for healthy living, but apparently that benefit is mostly due to the abovementioned social connection, plus an outlet for the standard existential shrieks. Between my dear friends and mushrooms, I think I got this covered, for now at least. I never felt the faith that the religious people I grew up around seemed to -- I really thought they were all faking it to make God happy just in case he existed, like an emperor's new clothes situation except the emperor is also invisible so you don't even get to see him in his underwear. When I found out that they actually believed it, I wanted a new social network, although I didn't know that phrase at the time. It is possible that I was just born without a normal sense of God-smell, but I sincerely enjoy living without the feeling that someone's watching us.
If I had to pick a religious or spiritual practice that I adhere to, I would like to say that it's meditation, but it's actually napping. Besides eating and drinking, naps are one of the few things I do faithfully every day, as if a deity demanded it. Put in 5 minutes to a half hour sometime in the afternoon, and you get a vague dream or two and a renewed sense of possibility.
I used to drink a lot of alcohol and all it did was improve my singing and dancing and sleeping abilities, but now I don't drink much at all because the hangovers have a nasty spiritual aftertaste -- even after just a few drinks, waking up feels like something the universe would rather I didn't do. This may be because my liver or my brain finally had their fill, but I also have low blood pressure and sleep apnea -- you could probably murder me with a hot toddy, a warm bath, and a soft pillow. Gratitude is another thing that is said to improve your daily life, and I'm grateful to be alive because it would take very little effort to snuff me out.
A definite sense of your inevitable disintegration can be pretty helpful for feeling good about the immediate future. There is an app for this called Figure 1 that's like Instagram for medical professionals, so you can scroll through an extremely grievous leg wound from a traffic accident, some innocuous-looking EKG squiggles that actually mean someone's heart is broken, and an ovarian cyst that grew curly hair and some teeth, all right in a row. I don't always have the stomach to look at this first thing in the morning, but it is very useful for realizing that (probably) no part of you is disagreeing with the world as badly as it could be. For now, you're in pretty good shape!
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