Zawmer

Your wise friend that you wish would post more stuff.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

August 19: Mission: Impossible

I sometimes like to watch a movie at home and type up my written observations. Usually it's a movie I've already seen, but not for a while. So with that said, welcome to my new notes about the Mission: Impossible movies!

I've seen all of them of course, and they are really up my alley. Globetrotting espionage is totally diverting for me. Try just saying "globetrotting espionage" to me sometime. Especially if I'm in a bad mood, I will appreciate that gesture. I like these MI movies enough that I bought a box set with all six (as of summer 2021) of them on 4K Blu-ray. 4K! That's a lot of K! I watched each of these upon its original theatrical release, but there are only two of them that I've seen more than that one time.

I think one thing I want to try understanding is what it is about these movies that makes them so much more tolerable to me than popular action movies of the sort that is suckier. I realize that sentence pretty much answers the very question that it raises, and yet come on you get me.

One more thing before I press play on this first one: I have never seen any of that TV show that it's based on. I am confident that doesn't matter. And yet I'm saying it. Okay let's watch spy movie.

Emilio Estevez! This first scene has him in a cameo that I'd forgotten about. It's a stacked cast. They're watching a spy cam in a room somewhere, but the changing angle of the spycam makes it look like they're watching an Eastern European soap opera. We don't know much about this whole situation, but it's some kind of elaborate setup that involves a chemically engineered fake death of a spy lady and also Tom Cruise was in makeup disguise. Then the credits! Very very edited credits! But brief. For excitement! It's in the style the opening of a TV show! Good job with that.

John Voight is on a plane, but spycraft secret messaging happens so that he can look at a strangely-formatted video file about a mission to stop a crime. The crime has to do with a list of names of people with their code names. We can barely hear that information.

Just like that, JV is briefing the all-star team in Prague that's going to pull of the heist they need to do to recover the "Noc List" as it's apparently called. Tom Cruise is immediately exactly like his character in Top Gun. Cocky, so devillishly cocky!

The movie is kind of proud of this spy tech where there's a camera in her glasses and EE can watch the video on his watch.

0:10:14 - We linger on a news feed where there is a politician being interviewed, and it's pretty obvious to me that that's TC in old age makeup. Sounds like TC doing a voice. But maybe it was less obvious before FOUR KAY.

Then after one more gadget, which is a stick of gum-like explosive putty, we're at the actual heist, and there's POV imagery and split-screen video sneakage. And then… oh, okay now I understand that TC is pretending to be the politician we'd been seeing on TV, via elaborate makeup. Is why all that.

Look how… there's something about how the camera probes and peers, it makes us feel like furtive little sneakers doesn't it! I like it!

There's a thing where one of the spy pals is spying with special spy glasses and she can see the back of a person's head that their spying on and I missed how they explained that but whatever

Elevators and glasses are figuring so significantly into this heist, but also so is very open flirtation between EE and Kristen Scott Thomas. That's probably partly because…

…something went wrong! And it wasn't an accident! But it's weird, the guy they were spying on looked like he was innocently calling an elevator but the elevator totally killed EE, and it involved the sudden but deliberate appearance of death spikes in the shaft that impaled EE! He is a dead, dead spy! And it's totally catastrophic because that spy guy somehow wasn't supposed to leave the building and they're now all freaking out about him just strolling along the fetching cobblestone streets of Prague.

But JV does a phony-looking I've-been-shot thing, and then a car blows up with one of the spies, and the guy they were spying on is getting stabbed through a fence, so much stuff, what even the hell! And KST is also a victim somehow! Stabbings! And where is the disk! They really got their asses kicked. And all of it pops on my 4K TV. This is important to you in your life.

So TC is going through some kind of standard post-screwup protocol that involves a restaurant meeting and the restaurant is also an aquarium. Okay but now through effective dialogue and striking closeups, this place is a hotbed of suspicion, and TC is the one everyone's suspicious of! The whole Prague operation, they agree, was a mole hunt. But I don't understand why then anyone got killed? Boss man seems to think that proves that TC, who I should probably hereafter refer to as Ethan, is the mole. But he gets away with the splody gadget and blow'd-up fishtank distractivism.

0:34:50 - Always fun to see what 90s Hollywood thought the internet was like. Ethan runs a program called INTERNET LINK and types MAX.COM because he heard boss man refer to someone named Max! Looking up usenet groups is also in this scene, though, which was an actual thing you'd do. But then he remembers that boss man talked about "job 314" and figures it has to do with Job 3:14 from the bible, so he sends an email to "Max@Job 3:14"! And it works! There is definitely a space in the "email address"! What a smart smart cyberspy.

So I don't understand, like, okay, Ethan heard Boss Man talk about Max and "job 314", and that information was important clues but he doesn't think Boss Man knew he was giving clues and Boss Man still thinks Ethan is the mole. Seems weak. Okay.

I also forgot Vanessa Redgrave is in this. Ethan's laughably simple email resulted in a meeting with her where he Tom Cruised at her and a fun escape happened. He winds up agreeing to do the crime she wants that's the real version of the mole hunt? Yes.

"Jim was my husband", says the young French spy who turned out not to be dead. That's a little weird. Why is she… just ugh. Weird couple. Okay Hollywood.

DISAVOWED - I remember being a little confused about this the first time I saw this. The word appears and they don't quite elaborate on its significance.

Okay, here's Ving Rhames and now they're talking through the plan of what they're going to do to break into Langley and steal the real Noc List. They're flash-forwarding to what it should look like if all goes well, super cool. The camera snoops around at all the things they're talking about with the computer room and it's really fun to look at!

Now we're at the actual Langley heist sequence which is really the centerpiece of the movie. Fun spy shot of French Girl squirting a liquid into the Langley Guy's coffee! Then another fun shot of her tapping a little tracker square onto his blazer! That Langley Guy actor was for sure born to play the role of CIA-Analyst-Lookin'-Man.

Ethan's gotta lower himself ever so gingerly into the computer room and Jean Reno has to hold the rope so carefully and they have to watch the temperature because we know that can set the alarm off and it's all very very very tense! Langley Guy comes in and Ethan has to quietly dangle above him! The shot is fun! The SHOT is FUN!

No music. Tension. Ethan is downloading the Noc list. JR is in the duct holding the rope and there is a rat and he is struggling! He slips and Ethan falls almost to the floor which would totally bork everything but he stays parallel and you see that image a lot in stuff about this movie but you don't usually see how intense it is in the movie.

1:15:00 - I remember being annoyed by this too-long scene where Tom Cruise arrogantly does sleight-of-hand gags a bunch of really irritating ways to show that JR doesn't have the disk he thinks he does.

Now Ethan is being suspicious because the bible in this new safe room they're in is from Drake Hotel, where Jim had said he stayed, plus then French Girl is a little affectionate. Why again did a whole bunch of the spies get murdered during that mole hunt?

Jim is alive, surprise!

The picture is lovely on this 4K Blu-ray, but there is some bad sound mixing, some dialogue is too quiet.

But Ethan is thinking through what happened in Prague, and he's talking like he's thinking of how Boss Man did all the killing but we're seeing other things. French Girl and JR doing killings. Is that real? It ends with him being like "Why did you do it Jim?" I don't get it that much. But it's engaging! I think it's going to be that he knows Jim is the bad guy and is pretending to go along with thinking it was Boss Man plus French Girl and JR?

We're at the setting for the movie's climax, on I guess the Chunnel train. This movie was timely, what with that being pretty new as well as shooting movie scenes in Actual Prague; in 1996 those were not things you'd seen in Hollywood movies yet.

Big shocker twist at the end, Ethan takes his Jon Voight mask off and now we know French Girl was a double-crosser. I honestly am still not sure if the Jon Voight mask is really just a really good mask or if they did a really good effect where it was Jon Voight at first.

There is a big action chase to finish the movie, which now that I think about it is how all these movies will end. The Chunnel train is being chased by a helicopter flown by JR, and I think we only know his intentions are villainous because he scowls like one who wants bad things to happen and is making them happen. He flies the helicopter INTO the tunnel! Everyone tries to get each other during all that transportation, and it's corny but fortunately not too drawn out.

So I definitely enjoyed this movie, but when you think about the plot points, some of them don't hold up. And some of the cinematic style, which was totally fun, probably existed to obfuscate that reality, like when Ethan was thinking through the mole hunt disaster and we were getting mixed messages. But if I were doing this project without having seen the five sequels and someone told me "yeah, they're basically all like that", my enthusiasm for continuing this project would be undampened.

(next: Mission: Impossible II)

[movienotesbyzawmer]

April 26: Rocky V

(previous notes: Rocky IV)

A fifth Rocky movie if you can believe it! I saw this in the theater when it came out in 1990. My movie appreciation had become exponentially more sophisticated since the previous movie, but I remember thinking that they were going for something less formulaic when they came out with this. They even brought back the Oscar-winning director of the original Rocky, John Avildson. And surely this character was way too old to still be able to win fights against professional boxers, right? I must say, I don't remember what the story of this movie is.

The intro does a brief throwback to the original name-scroll-plus-fanfare, but now we're showing a recap of the previous movie's final fight during the credits, which promise an appearance by no less than Burgess Meredith.

Do you think there was a conversation where Sylvester Stallone condescendingly told Avildson, "hey, trust me, start the movie with three and a half minutes that is just the end of the last picture, easy money baby, cha-ching ya know?"

The story begins immediately after the Battle of Cold War Symbolism, and we see that he is experiencing physical trauma as a result of Soviet Boxing Technology.

Then we see that they had the idea to introduce a Don King-type character, a really irritating boxing promoter blindsiding him in public to get on his case about a new challenger. Do you think the promoter character will have a nuanced arc.

After a chill father-son catch-up chat, there's an awkwardly-blocked expository scene about how Paulie made some stupid mistake and got tricked into signing away millions of Rocky dollars to a sinister accountant. And then he goes to the doctor who tells him he has irreversible punch damage and can't fight any more. Conflict is looking dire. Do you think Robot Character will arrive soon to cheer us all up.

After selling all of their possessions at an auction, Rocky goes to his old hangouts. He leaves the corner bar looking defeated. They don't show how he was defeated in the bar, but that bar clearly humiliated him.

Then he goes to the old gym, and here's where we have a flashback scene of Burgess Meredith giving him a pep talk. It's kinda nice. But it still feels like we're at the point in the story right before the tide turns and suddenly Rocky is inspired to become supernaturally good at boxing once again. But that's not gonna happen; we're just twenty minutes into the movie.

Rocky has to move back into his old neighborhood. It's dirty and run down, and people gawk.

0:32:00 - For the third time in this movie, Rocky tries to charm his family with a LOOK WHAT I PULLED OUT OF YOUR EAR gag. The characters are barely charmed by this gag. We, the audience, are way way way less charmed.

Fake Don King is buzzing around a lot. He is a dick and he is annoying to every single person alive. It's effective at driving the conflict because he is so persistent at needling Rocky into maybe fighting. But the acting is cringey. Kinda the point, though, right?

Just like that, the old gym where we saw the flashback, which was abandoned and run down, is open for business and full of people. How did that happen?

0:43:30 - Okay now it is me - Zawmer! - who is about to be an unappealing bad guy because I must now report how little tolerance I have for this scene with two child actors. Rocky's son, who got bullied at school earlier, is having his first maybe-we-fancy-each-other conversation with a girl. The dialogue has no chemistry with these kid actors.

I should mention that there is a character named Tommy Gunn. He is a spirited young boxer who has found Rocky and wants Rocky to help him. He is bemulleted and earnest and good-punch-y.

Rocky is going to manage Tommy, but his son wants some attention. Feels like an artificially manufactured conflict. Plus the dumb bullies at school beat him up again. It is hard being the newly-poor child of Rocky Balboa.

0:53:25 - I probably wouldn't have caught this if I hadn't watched the first movie kind of recently, but we cut to a fight, Tommy is fighting someone and it's in the same church that started the first movie. He wins that fight and it becomes a montage of Tommy becoming increasingly successful under Rocky's coaching, plus there is evidence that Rocky's son is trying to get his dad's attention by using some of the gym equipment.

It does seem like it would be fun to make boxing-improvement montages.

Oh, the kid learning boxing was so he could get back at the bullies. Mission accomplished but he clearly thinks his dad was supposed to be even nicer about that, even though he was kind of nice. But he was in the middle of something with Tommy, I mean, come on!

Ooh, and that was just a brief interruption in the boxing-improvement montage, it keeps going. This movie is pretty generous with fun montages.

The falling out scene between Rocky and Kid is not better than a similar scene in an after school special. And it's way worse than that one anti-drugs commercial we all remember, "I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU"

Oh, but then Kid runs away and starts hanging out with Ivan Drago! Drago starts teaching him how to beat up his dad, and says something about "If he die, he die". No. No he doesn't. That doesn't happen. I was just getting a little bored there. What's true here, what's actually true, is that Kid's increasingly rebellious personality has yielded a very, very stupid looking ear chain. It is an earring… with a chain hanging off it at the exact perfect length for no human being to think it looks good. The length of that chain is the chain-length equivalent of the amount of time that Talia Shire closes her eyes that one time.

A new conflict emerges where Tommy is going to sign with Fake Don King. It turns out Rocky had no interest in making any money. You can't blame him really. Rocky's all "don't sell out". But. Dude.

Okay so Tommy Gunn, having divorced Rocky and married Fake Don King, wins the title fight and becomes the new champion. The crowd boos, and they also cheer "Rocky". Rocky is not there. Rocky is watching the fight on TV in the basement and also punching a thing because he can't help it, but the crowd at the fight is like "Rocky" and "boo". I don't quite get it.

This press conference is kind of clearing it up, see, no one thinks it was a legitimate fight, it seemed fakey. There is pandemonium and insultation! It is clearly building to some silly insistence that he, Tommy, should fight Rocky.

Tommy shows up at the bar and he's hopping mad because he ain't nobody's robot and will you accept my challenge Rocky! Fake Don King thought this would turn into an actual arena event, but it's turning into just a back-alley fight like in that Fight-y movie about that Club.

It escalates thusly. As Rocky endures cinematically beautiful flashbacks to fights from earlier movies, they punch each other beneath rumbling trains. I sound mocking but some of it is pretty visually interesting.

Interesting enough to serve as an abstract explanation for how, once again, Rocky is supernaturally good at punch-game. It may be a street brawl this time, and we may have to do without Adrian closing her eyes Just So, but once again the Rocky movie ends with him winning the fight and everyone being very very excited about that. He punches Fake Don King because of how smarmy he is, and even the priest is delighted.

There is a denouement of Rocky and Kid bonding genially by the famous steps, and then the credits roll in front of touching stills from all five movies, and an Elton John song that didn't have as much cultural impact as some other songs we've heard recently.

I guess I like the montages and the quick cinematic choices that are to be found here and there in these movies, but mostly when I think back on them it seems like they are arrangements of familiar modules. In this one, the modules were held together with more flimsy material. I was wrong to think that this movie would be less formulaic. Soon I am done with this project. Soon. SOON.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

April 12: Rocky III

(previous notes: Rocky II)

Because now that Rocky has done the unthinkable and become The Champ, we want to see him tackle the next challenge… win AGAIN.

I remember seeing this in the theater with my buddy. I don't know if I liked it. I'm pretty sure I found Mr. T to be as charismatic and as terrifying as they wanted. I'm pretty sure when I bought the ticket I hesitated and asked the cashier, "hey, wait, we get to see him do some variation on the triumphant steps jogging moment, right? Otherwise never mind I'll go see Poltergeist again". If I'm paying good money for boxing sequels, I want to be assured that the formula has not been altered.

Okay let's go.

Once again, this is Un Film De Sylvester Stallone.

Slight variation on the fanfare with the title, now there's a close-up of the Important Belt Buckle Of Punchsport.

Then we see the climax of the previous movie, maybe edited slightly for time. But not very noticeably different.

That segues immediately to a montage of Rocky doing many successful beatup games, scored by the enormous pop hit "Eye of the Tiger". I suspect this isn't the last we'll hear of this number.

The montage morphs into a different story, one starring Mr. T! He's watching Rocky win stuff and he is not pleased. He can also fist-game, it seems. But the montage makes it clear that it is our hero Rocky who is the star of commercial endorsements and marriage love.

I mock but this visionary filmmaker has indeed opened this movie with energetically cinematic choices.

0:8:40 - Arcade games! Paulie goes to an arcade and it is like the arcades I went to when this movie was out and I see games that I played! But Paulie doesn't like the Rocky pinball machine. It seems he is a sore brother-in-law.

Rocky is now very dashing. Paulie is drunk and whiny about how Rocky is such a big shot now, but he has a point about how prettied up he has become.

Later that night Rocky and Adrian are in their bed and it has a rich person headboard. The director, also visibly present in front of the camera, clearly instructed the production designer to create a bed that would reflect the elite level of financial flexibility that the protagonist has reached.

So apparently Rocky has gotten himself into the strange situation where he has to do a charity boxing match against a wrestler played by the increasingly famous Hulk Hogan. I had forgotten that Hulk Hogan is in this movie. Mr. T is watching this match and he looks intensely the same way he only ever does.

Whoa Hulk Hogan is way taller than Sylvester Stallone. Is that allowed? The rules have changed! And this whole thing is not boxing it is wrestling and it is that silliness instead of boxing. This is a long scene that is the same as a typical Wrestlemania thing, all manufactured drama made to seem like fighting and true menace, but at the end we see that they are just professional coworkers and we have all learned a valuable lesson haven't we.

At a statue-unveiling, Rocky announces that he is maybe retiring. MAYBE. But then Mr. T shows up talking smack, and ladies and gentlemen we have ourselves an end-of-Act-One.

As Act Two begins, we have a scene that was an A+ homework assignment for the screenwriting teacher of Rocky III's screenwriter, who you will recall is the craftsman Sylvester Stallone. Burgess Meredith is like "I quit! I won't help you with this fight! Mr. T is too hard to beat!" But then they talk it out to advance past that scripted complication. And now Rocky and Mr. T are training for their fight in their separate worlds.

Speaking of worlds, in the World Of Rocky, the famous theme that was introduced in the score of the first movie is actually known to the characters in this movie as Rocky music. They play it for him publicly to celebrate their pride in his violence accomplishments.

Apollo Creed appears to be retired, but he is a commentator at this Rocky/T fight.

0:40:00 - They're about to do the fight, but Mr. T is so The Way He Is that the wants to fight on the way TO the fight. That results in some tumult that makes BM have health problems. It was vague what happened, it seemed like BM was shoved aside by all the mad/scared/fighting people, so then he has a conversation with Rocky in a back room where he's like, don't stop the fight even though I am suddenly vaguely frail. He sort of clutches his chest like maybe there's a heart attack but just one of those everyday ones. I have those every time I click send on a work email. My friends should not be discouraged from championship fisticuffs when that happens.

This is the first Rocky movie to be made after Raging Bull came out, and I detect some influence in the boxing footage, like with close-ups of Mr. T.

Rocky loses that fight pretty quickly, and maybe the problem is that he didn't do a pre-victory steps jog. But the movie is telling us that BM is dying on a table in the back room and that's the real problem.

BM dies and SS has done some pretty ambitious cry-acting. Then the funeral is in one of those indoor above-ground file-cabinet-style cemeteries, which is not the normal cinematic choice so nice job there.

I can already tell that we're going to have another thirty minutes of a bummed-out Rocky to fill out Act Two before it starts to look like the setup for a fulfilling climax can begin. It's what I would have told him to write if he were my student at the third-rate community college where I'm a part-time screenwriting teacher in this scenario.

Apollo Creed has shown up to try to pep-talk Rocky, and he keeps saying "eye of the tiger" because of marketing departments. But also, he is a more mature person than in the first two movies. Even though it's a character shift, I do kind of buy it. It seems like another side of the character we knew slightly.

0:59:00 - Another scene beginning with dialogue that sounds like it was improvised by people who don't know what real life is like. "Come on you're going to be late to the airport!" "Maybe you should have packed another sweater" "no in California it's not too cold". AHA THEY ARE GOING ON A TRIP TO CALIFORNIA I AM ON TO YOU ROCKY III

When they go to Los Angeles and show us people on the street and the people have been told to look and act super different so that the audience will be like, wow California is different, then, well, we are at this part of Rocky III did you know.

Although there was my earlier expectation that we were going to have a prolonged funereal story arc, but what's happened is that Apollo is invested in training Rocky so they're showing us that side of Apollo, and that's interesting. But also it's the template of "Rocky is training and he doesn't look like he's going to get there, but then inspiration will hit and he will look like he is going to get there". S. Stallone, noted filmmaker, is using montages and flashbacks to show how recent bad news moments for Rocky are haunting him. It is working.

Adrian performs a pep talk monologue for Rocky. I don't understand her point. It's like a box of those refrigerator poetry magnets jumbled up together and spoken as movie script lines. I guess the gist is "don't give up" and he starts to think maybe he shouldn't give up. Then it's a new training montage, and it's got the classic "running far now" Rocky theme so we know it's going well. The twist on the classic cheering-atop-stairs cadence is it's Rocky and Apollo on the beach, and Rocky is a little faster than Apollo and that is great news for them both.

Now we're right before the final fight, and we heard Mr. T tell a reporter that he "pity the fool". I didn't hear the rest of what he said, I was just so happy to hear him say "pity the fool".

Oh but shortly after that he is asked what his prediction is, and he looks at the camera, OUR camera, at US, and says "PAIN". Submitted without comment.

That face-to-face moment right before the fight starts, Mr. T says "imma bust you UP" and Rocky says "go for it". Advanced Scripted Dialogue with Professor Stallone.

The final fight happens, and it's mostly the same as how the other ones went except without a montage summarizing a whole bunch of rounds. I think this whole fight ended in three rounds. But it ends with the exact same music that I'm getting sick of….

BUT! There is a follow-up scene this time! It's some other day later on and Apollo and Rocky are just palling around at the gym. And THEN the movie ends. I feel that the producers must have implored Stallone, artisan that he is, to just end the movie on that climactic moment right after the fight ends, just like the other movies, but he said NO. That is not ENOUGH for a SYLVESTER STALLONE FILM. We will have an additional scene with INCONSEQUENTIAL BANTER. It will last OVER ONE MINUTE. And here we are. Rocky III: it's like Raging Bull, but better!!

I think Talia Shire is the only female actor with any lines in this movie.

One thing that's very much worth saying about this movie is that there is WAY more actual boxing in this movie. The other ones had almost no scenes where there were live boxing matches, but this one had lots. Plus that wrestling one! And as I observed, the directing style with this one also had a newfound sense of visual pop. But the story seems like it changed not at all from how it was described in the first studio board room meeting where jackass producers blurted out what Rocky III might be like.

(next: Rocky IV)

[movienotesbyzawmer]

April 12: Rocky III

(previous notes: Rocky II)

Because now that Rocky has done the unthinkable and become The Champ, we want to see him tackle the next challenge… win AGAIN.

I remember seeing this in the theater with my buddy. I don't know if I liked it. I'm pretty sure I found Mr. T to be as charismatic and as terrifying as they wanted. I'm pretty sure when I bought the ticket I hesitated and asked the cashier, "hey, wait, we get to see him do some variation on the triumphant steps jogging moment, right? Otherwise never mind I'll go see Poltergeist again". If I'm paying good money for boxing sequels, I want to be assured that the formula has not been altered.

Okay let's go.

Once again, this is Un Film De Sylvester Stallone.

Slight variation on the fanfare with the title, now there's a close-up of the Important Belt Buckle Of Punchsport.

Then we see the climax of the previous movie, maybe edited slightly for time. But not very noticeably different.

That segues immediately to a montage of Rocky doing many successful beatup games, scored by the enormous pop hit "Eye of the Tiger". I suspect this isn't the last we'll hear of this number.

The montage morphs into a different story, one starring Mr. T! He's watching Rocky win stuff and he is not pleased. He can also fist-game, it seems. But the montage makes it clear that it is our hero Rocky who is the star of commercial endorsements and marriage love.

I mock but this visionary filmmaker has indeed opened this movie with energetically cinematic choices.

0:8:40 - Arcade games! Paulie goes to an arcade and it is like the arcades I went to when this movie was out and I see games that I played! But Paulie doesn't like the Rocky pinball machine. It seems he is a sore brother-in-law.

Rocky is now very dashing. Paulie is drunk and whiny about how Rocky is such a big shot now, but he has a point about how prettied up he has become.

Later that night Rocky and Adrian are in their bed and it has a rich person headboard. The director, also visibly present in front of the camera, clearly instructed the production designer to create a bed that would reflect the elite level of financial flexibility that the protagonist has reached.

So apparently Rocky has gotten himself into the strange situation where he has to do a charity boxing match against a wrestler played by the increasingly famous Hulk Hogan. I had forgotten that Hulk Hogan is in this movie. Mr. T is watching this match and he looks intensely the same way he only ever does.

Whoa Hulk Hogan is way taller than Sylvester Stallone. Is that allowed? The rules have changed! And this whole thing is not boxing it is wrestling and it is that silliness instead of boxing. This is a long scene that is the same as a typical Wrestlemania thing, all manufactured drama made to seem like fighting and true menace, but at the end we see that they are just professional coworkers and we have all learned a valuable lesson haven't we.

At a statue-unveiling, Rocky announces that he is maybe retiring. MAYBE. But then Mr. T shows up talking smack, and ladies and gentlemen we have ourselves an end-of-Act-One.

As Act Two begins, we have a scene that was an A+ homework assignment for the screenwriting teacher of Rocky III's screenwriter, who you will recall is the craftsman Sylvester Stallone. Burgess Meredith is like "I quit! I won't help you with this fight! Mr. T is too hard to beat!" But then they talk it out to advance past that scripted complication. And now Rocky and Mr. T are training for their fight in their separate worlds.

Speaking of worlds, in the World Of Rocky, the famous theme that was introduced in the score of the first movie is actually known to the characters in this movie as Rocky music. They play it for him publicly to celebrate their pride in his violence accomplishments.

Apollo Creed appears to be retired, but he is a commentator at this Rocky/T fight.

0:40:00 - They're about to do the fight, but Mr. T is so The Way He Is that the wants to fight on the way TO the fight. That results in some tumult that makes BM have health problems. It was vague what happened, it seemed like BM was shoved aside by all the mad/scared/fighting people, so then he has a conversation with Rocky in a back room where he's like, don't stop the fight even though I am suddenly vaguely frail. He sort of clutches his chest like maybe there's a heart attack but just one of those everyday ones. I have those every time I click send on a work email. My friends should not be discouraged from championship fisticuffs when that happens.

This is the first Rocky movie to be made after Raging Bull came out, and I detect some influence in the boxing footage, like with close-ups of Mr. T.

Rocky loses that fight pretty quickly, and maybe the problem is that he didn't do a pre-victory steps jog. But the movie is telling us that BM is dying on a table in the back room and that's the real problem.

BM dies and SS has done some pretty ambitious cry-acting. Then the funeral is in one of those indoor above-ground file-cabinet-style cemeteries, which is not the normal cinematic choice so nice job there.

I can already tell that we're going to have another thirty minutes of a bummed-out Rocky to fill out Act Two before it starts to look like the setup for a fulfilling climax can begin. It's what I would have told him to write if he were my student at the third-rate community college where I'm a part-time screenwriting teacher in this scenario.

Apollo Creed has shown up to try to pep-talk Rocky, and he keeps saying "eye of the tiger" because of marketing departments. But also, he is a more mature person than in the first two movies. Even though it's a character shift, I do kind of buy it. It seems like another side of the character we knew slightly.

0:59:00 - Another scene beginning with dialogue that sounds like it was improvised by people who don't know what real life is like. "Come on you're going to be late to the airport!" "Maybe you should have packed another sweater" "no in California it's not too cold". AHA THEY ARE GOING ON A TRIP TO CALIFORNIA I AM ON TO YOU ROCKY III

When they go to Los Angeles and show us people on the street and the people have been told to look and act super different so that the audience will be like, wow California is different, then, well, we are at this part of Rocky III did you know.

Although there was my earlier expectation that we were going to have a prolonged funereal story arc, but what's happened is that Apollo is invested in training Rocky so they're showing us that side of Apollo, and that's interesting. But also it's the template of "Rocky is training and he doesn't look like he's going to get there, but then inspiration will hit and he will look like he is going to get there". S. Stallone, noted filmmaker, is using montages and flashbacks to show how recent bad news moments for Rocky are haunting him. It is working.

Adrian performs a pep talk monologue for Rocky. I don't understand her point. It's like a box of those refrigerator poetry magnets jumbled up together and spoken as movie script lines. I guess the gist is "don't give up" and he starts to think maybe he shouldn't give up. Then it's a new training montage, and it's got the classic "running far now" Rocky theme so we know it's going well. The twist on the classic cheering-atop-stairs cadence is it's Rocky and Apollo on the beach, and Rocky is a little faster than Apollo and that is great news for them both.

Now we're right before the final fight, and we heard Mr. T tell a reporter that he "pity the fool". I didn't hear the rest of what he said, I was just so happy to hear him say "pity the fool".

Oh but shortly after that he is asked what his prediction is, and he looks at the camera, OUR camera, at US, and says "PAIN". Submitted without comment.

That face-to-face moment right before the fight starts, Mr. T says "imma bust you UP" and Rocky says "go for it". Advanced Scripted Dialogue with Professor Stallone.

The final fight happens, and it's mostly the same as how the other ones went except without a montage summarizing a whole bunch of rounds. I think this whole fight ended in three rounds. But it ends with the exact same music that I'm getting sick of….

BUT! There is a follow-up scene this time! It's some other day later on and Apollo and Rocky are just palling around at the gym. And THEN the movie ends. I feel that the producers must have implored Stallone, artisan that he is, to just end the movie on that climactic moment right after the fight ends, just like the other movies, but he said NO. That is not ENOUGH for a SYLVESTER STALLONE FILM. We will have an additional scene with INCONSEQUENTIAL BANTER. It will last OVER ONE MINUTE. And here we are. Rocky III: it's like Raging Bull, but better!!

I think Talia Shire is the only female actor with any lines in this movie.

One thing that's very much worth saying about this movie is that there is WAY more actual boxing in this movie. The other ones had almost no scenes where there were live boxing matches, but this one had lots. Plus that wrestling one! And as I observed, the directing style with this one also had a newfound sense of visual pop. But the story seems like it changed not at all from how it was described in the first studio board room meeting where jackass producers blurted out what Rocky III might be like.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 31: Strangers on a Train

After suffering through more Friday the 13th movies than anyone deserves, I’m rewarding myself on the evening of October 31 with a viewing of what I’ve often said is my favorite Hitchcock movie. I put it that way because I don’t remember a ton about it, or even how long it’s been since I’ve seen it. It seems unlikely that it’s my favorite Hitchcock movie. How could I make such a claim when Rear Window is, like, RIGHT THERE.

This came out in 1951. Hitchcock was already a big star director by then, but most of his most well-known movies were still to come. I’m not familiar with any of the actors in this movie. Okay, let’s take another look!

(SPOILERS AHEAD, of course. I’m going to describe the movie as I’m watching it.)

Farley Granger is top billed. You’d think with a name like that he’d be more famous. That’s probably the whole reason he’s named that in the first place. Fail!

Pretty highfalutin writing credits - Raymond Chandler wrote this screenplay based on a Patricia Highsmith novel.

It starts with this “cinematic vision” that almost feels like marketing - we see legs of people getting out of cabs with luggage, heading into a station. It’s all nothin-but-legs for a minute or two until two Actual Strangers on a Train strike up a conversation.

The strangers are Bruno and Guy; Guy is a famous tennis player that Bruno recognizes. I remember enough about this movie to know that we are not wrong to find Bruno irritatingly forward as he brings up Guy’s personal information that he’s read about in the society section of the paper. Between this and The Talented Mr. Ripley, it seems like Ms. Highsmith had a knack for making drama out of uncomfortably doting dudes.

Eight and a half minutes in and Bruno is already starting to propose a murder of Guy’s wife. It seems hasty for this conversation to have gone down this road, but it’s cool that we get to this movie’s cool idea so quickly. Bruno proposes killing Guy’s wife in exchange for Guy killing Bruno’s father. They’d both be killing strangers so it would be super hard for detectives to figure it out. Guy clearly doesn’t take Bruno seriously.

For 1951, it seems surprising that these characters are so casual about the breakup of a marriage because they both have new lovers and the wife is already pregnant from her new man. I think of early fifties American culture as way too stuffy to be okay with that in a mainstream movie, but that is this movie’s storyline.

Guy’s wife… her appearance is kind of curious. I wonder if it looked more dislikeable at the time, but she looks like a harmless librarian. But her dialogue about blackmailing Guy to stay with her makes her unambiguously villainous.

Guy and his wife are in a heated argument in the shop where she works, and he is grabbing her and shaking her, and she looks scared! A man nearby notices and interrupts them by saying, “this isn’t the place for a family quarrel!” Now THAT’S the early fifties American culture I’ve come to know and love.

Bruno and his mother. They are having tea or something. They are clearly tight, maybe to a dysfunctional degree. What is this household? Swanky. Bruno is wearing a silk robe. I do not understand. There’s this weird thing about a painting his mother made; he delights about how it looks just like Father, and then we see it and it is some kind of abstract monster. Odd. I think it means he’s nuts.

That scene ends with Bruno having a short phone conversation with Guy; Guy hangs up on him but we gather that Bruno knows that Guy’s wife won’t let them divorce.

So now begins what has always, for me, been the most memorable sequence. Bruno clearly thinks it is his duty to murder Guy’s wife, so he follows her with two flirty young dudes to a carnival at night. I like how the lights at night look in this black & white cinematography.

Bruno is not even hiding the fact that he’s following her! He just tags along behind the three of them, very visibly, and sort of smirks playfully every time she notices him, and it looks like she kind of likes the attention. Things were different in 1951.

After remaining behind her and her fellas for a couple carnival attractions, he follows them onto a Tunnel of Love boat ride. They all drive little boats along a route through the water, into and out of a cave, and to a more secluded area. There is shadow imagery in the cave that ends in a fakeout. Then there is a moment where she is alone at the secluded area and he strangles her.

There’s a thing about a lighter. When Guy and Bruno were chatting on the train, Bruno noticed Guy’s lighter. I didn’t catch how Bruno ended up with it, but they made it very clear that Bruno has it now. And the imagery of the murder includes the lighter, as well as a stylish closeup of her glasses on the ground reflecting the murder.

0:30:50 - Bruno has shown up at Guy’s pad to show him the glasses and let him know the deed is done so now it’s Guy’s turn. Guy is shocked, but Bruno is effectively guilt-tripping him. Guy’s behavior is still pretty rational. But he’s still holding onto Dead Wife’s glasses. That seems like a dumb move.

Guy is now at his girlfriend’s place; their chemistry is steamy, and it now seems to me like the look of Dead Wife was meant to contrast with his sultry girlfriend.

The police are investigating, and the plot kind of thickens because Guy’s alibi during the murder is just a drunk guy on the train. Seems like there’s enough information that he should still be okay, though, right? Hm, doesn’t look like the cops are satisfied.

More importantly, Bruno is starting to be a shadowy figure dogging Guy. One must wonder what is gonna happen… Bruno did seem to have an easy time killing that woman… has he done this before? I’m actually asking; I don’t remember.

0:48:00 - Ha, Bruno went so far as to send Guy a diagram of his father’s house and a key!

The next scene is cool - a relatively quiet tennis match, and the whole audience is following back and forth with their heads, but one head is not moving! It’s Bruno who is just staring down Guy from the other side of the court!

Anne is Guy’s girlfriend, and she is not only more glamorous than Guy’s dead wife, and not only is her voice ever so sexy with its smoky alto, but she’s smart enough to immediately notice that something is up with this Bruno guy, as well as with Guy’s behavior w/r/t Bruno.

Oh, and then there is this strange scene - so Bruno has decided he has to insinuate himself into Anne’s family’s circle, which is where Anne starts to notice things. But then there is Anne’s sister, who has more of a librarian look, not unlike Dead Wife… and Hitch’s bold direction makes it very clear that Bruno also notices the resemblance between Dead Wife and Anne’s Sister! Very strange. I don’t know where it’s going. I can’t tell what either of them are thinking, but it’s made to seem very important.

Bruno has totally created a new character for himself and is frankly being very Talented Mr. Ripley at a party where Anne’s family and a bunch of fancy people are being fancy. But that goes in a strange direction… Bruno started chatting with a lady about murder, and he starts to demonstrate strangulation, but Anne’s sister sees him, and they both have freakout looks on their faces, then Bruno passes out plus also he has been actually strangling that lady. I’m just reporting what I’m seeing here, folks.

Aha, we’re starting to get that much-needed explanation… when Bruno and Anne’s Sister noticed each other, Bruno was flashing back to killing Dead Wife because of the resemblance. And Sister noticed that he seemed to be strangling her in his mind, and she’s totally right.

And Anne is such a smart cookie that she noticed the whole thing and thinks, correctly, that Bruno was flashbacking to killing Dead Wife while he was pretend-strangling the lady and seeing Sister. This one’s a keeper, Guy, as long as she’ll keep you.

1:04:20 - Guy and Anne seem to have an idea of how to unfuck this situation, so Guy calls Bruno and says, yeah, okay, I’ll do the thing, what do I do. He doesn’t really intend to do the murder, does he? I don’t think the movie is actually trying to get us to think that. But I must say, I’m super glad that I don’t remember how this turns out.

Oh, it’s coming back to me as it’s unfolding. Guy sneaks in and, in darkness and shadows, approaches Bruno’s Father’s bed just as if he’s gonna do it, but just like we’re thinking we’d do, he starts to tell the father about what’s going on. But then it turns out it’s actually Bruno in the bed! It’s tense for a bit, but Bruno lets Guy leave, but says he’s going to think of a clever way to get him back for breaking their deal. A bit anti-climactic.

Anne is endlessly proactive, I must say; just like that, she is paying a call to Bruno’s mother to warn him about Bruno. But Bruno’s mother is clueless. And now, before Anne leaves, here’s Bruno, back in that Liberace robe. He’s unloading a bunch of bullshit on Anne, trying to convince her that Guy actually did it. But come on, we have seen how smart Anne is, she’s not gonna fall for that, right? Bruno references the lighter; he says something about “Guy wanted me to go back for the lighter but I couldn’t do it”. So yeah, the lighter stuff is coming together.

Okay, now it’s going to get all tennis-y because Guy has a tennis match before a very large crowd. He and Anne have an idea about dealing with the lighter, I think, but Guy has to play the match or it will be suspicious to the cops who are constantly observing him. Oh, if only he could win the match quickly! We’re watching them try for that. This is a sports drama. Do you think this movie inspired Rudy?

I think they think the lighter is actually at the murder scene, right?

WHO will WIN the TENNIS MATCH?! And HOW QUICKLY?!

1:21:20 - Wait, what was that about garments in the cab? Sister had to go get the cab ready so they could amscray right after the match, and they showed some folded clothes in the back seat. A red herring? A Maguffin? A proverbial damning lighter?

Meanwhile Bruno is lurking around, and he accidentally drops the lighter into a sewer drain! And he gets some people to help get it out, but he keeps calling it his cigarette case. Not lighter, “cigarette case”. Is that part of it? Our minds reel… the lighter! The garments! The cigarette case! The glasses? The tennis match! THE TENNIS MATCH! Oh what a tangled web.

I mock, but it is suspenseful.

You guys. Bruno got the lighter back out of the sewer. And guess who won the tennis match. Why, it was our hero, Guy! But the cops who are tailing Guy will be suspicious if he hustles away from the match to go get a clue from the murder scene, so Sister does some distracting. Also, the garments were something for Guy to change into so that the cops might not recognize him later. Now I get it. Only NOW do I get it.

None of that worked, though; the cops easily figured out that Guy is going to the murder scene.

Bruno is already there, though, at the carnival, but he wants to plant the lighter after dark. He asks a carnie what time it gets dark around here. What the carnie should have said was “dude, you’re from close enough to here, why do you think you need to demand this information from a carnie?” The carnie doesn’t say that, but at least he is pretty rude to Bruno so it’s okay.

Is Bruno planning on tipping the police to the presence of the lighter? Not exactly sure what his scheme is.

Ooh! Bruno is spotted by someone who remembered him getting off a boat after the murder! Busted!

Oh, I don’t think that’s how carousels work… okay so after people started pointing at Bruno, he freaked out and fired his gun… and shot the nearby carousel attendant, whose death-collapse makes the carousel go way too fast! You know, because he slumps on the lever and the carousel thinks that means GoTooFast! And Guy is on there with Bruno! They tussle! They tussle! Fast carousel!

A heroic old carnie says he can make the carousel not spin so fast… he then goes fully prone and crawls under the runaway carousel! Why in tarnation is THAT the solution! He is an old, old carnie! Maybe it is the same one who was rude to Bruno. That means we really love this brave fool.

Bruno and Guy are still rasslin’ on the carousel, plus a kid got injured. It’s all so terribly dangerous, and suspenseful!

Whoa, the carnie accomplished his mission of getting to the middle area to pull the carousel lever and it totally borks the fast-spinning carousel; all kinds of damage is done, people and plastic horses and wood things go flying everywhere and it is a super bad disaster. But everything is ever so close to being resolved. Guy just has to convince the cops that Bruno, who is pinned under a pile of broken carousel components, has the lighter with him. It’s kind of hard but eventually they see it in his hand. It’s all over! Everything is okay.

The denouement is that Guy and Anne are on a train ride feeling terribly relieved that everything is okay, and a stranger wants to chat so they leave in a funny huff.

So that was just fine, but certainly not “the best Alfred Hitchcock movie”. Definitely a really good one, though! Bruno is a unique and compelling villain, and they kept the suspense going very consistently.

Using the tools of the Age of Information has uncovered some other interesting nuggets… Bruno is played by Robert Walker, who died at age 32 shortly after this came out! He had struggled with alcoholism and mental health issues, having actually been an asylum patient at one point. He had also been married to, and divorced from, no less than Jennifer Jones. Another interesting cast member is Patricia Hitchcock, Albert’s daughter. Much is made of Hitch’s sly, maybe-vain cameos in his movies but also sometimes his daughter had actual speaking roles. She is still alive at age 92 as I type this.

One more note is that I’m pretty sure that I saw Throw Momma from the Train before I saw this, when it was in theaters even maybe, but even then I knew it was kind of a comedy sorta-version of this, obviously referencing it but also being very much its own thing. Now I find myself probably needing to see that again.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 26: Friday the 13th Part VIII - Jason Takes Manhattan

I know that this is devastating news for you but I’m almost done watching the Friday the 13th movies and posting here about them. Believe me it hurts me a lot less than it hurts you. Or something. Whatever, I’m not enjoying these movies so I look forward to moving on to a slightly more worthwhile project, such as those Fantastic Beasts movies. That’s a joke get it, those movies blow.

So to recap… Jason drowned as a little boy in Camp Crystal Lake and his mom perceived negligence on the part of horny teenage camp counselors so she kills a couple of them before her son even drowns and then twenty years later she takes up that cause again bigly. She gets beheaded but Jason, still a boy in the lake, pulls his mom’s killer in the water which makes her very whelmed. Then a few years later Jason is an adult-sized monster who stalks that camp and the houses in the area, violently murdering everyone he can, and in different methods whenever that is feasible. At one point he gets so stabbed that he is apparently definitively dead enough to get buried in a spooky graveyard, but the guy that originally stabbed him so effectively thinks he needs to dig him up and extra-kill him. But lightning strikes a pole that got stuck in Jason so he just stops being dead and goes back to being a murder monster. He eventually gets anchored to the bottom of Crystal Lake but a girl who lives on the lake has powers which mostly involve moving things with her mind, but she also was able to inadvertently will Jason up from the lake so he could just keep doing the same death stuff. After many killings and poorly-thought-out chases through the woods, the magic girl uses her power to have her dead dad come up from the lake and pull Jason into it in such a manner as to convince her that Jason is just gone forever.

So then how can there be another movie I don’t understand.

Maybe the first seven movies were all a dream, and this one is just a movie.

What does it tell you that I’m putting off starting this movie.

Again I haven’t seen this eighth movie. It came out when I was 18, but even though it promised a tongue-in-cheek, self-aware, campy experience I just didn’t fit it into my busy schedule of wanting girls to like me even a little. I do remember kind of rooting for it to be fun and funny, but based on having just watched the first seven movies in the series, my confidence that there will be any decent humor here at all is very, very low. Okay. It is time. This truly is the beginning of the end.

It begins and an unfamiliar narrator describes the intensity of The City as we see Manhattan-at-night imagery. Totally doesn’t seem like the other movies right off the bat. Oh also the score is a pop song that sounds like it is approximately 36 months older than this 1989 movie.

Okay… we’re actually apparently back to Crystal Lake, and now that narrator is apparently a radio DJ who is giving a shout-out to the graduating kids of Crystal Lake. For some reason he cares about them and says something that is strangely both welcoming and mournful about them coming to the city.

These two attractive people are getting busy on a large boat on the lake. It is Crystal Lake, that is established, but this boat is too large for this lake. This is like having a Jet Ski on an above-ground backyard pool.

They drop the anchor and it catches on a high voltage cable that is running at the bottom of the lake! It makes sparky electro-fire under there, and it jolts probably-Jason’s body under some of the collapsed dock stuff and he un-dies and climbs out of the water! We even here a warlocky “ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!”

Jason goes into the room where the couple is having another go, and he shoots a harpoon at the girl but misses! But he has some other stabby thing and he stabs the guy with it. The girl got away, but he finds her where she’s hiding and kills her kind of slowly. Like, he very slowly bears down on her as she screams and it’s like they have time for someone to save the day. But there is no one. No one saves the day. The day ends with her just getting stabbed with the harpoon.

Now it’s new characters in a new place. Looks like the eastern seaboard, an ocean port, and some students are getting on a boat that is going to New York. It’s the graduating students the DJ was talking about. There is a girl who interacts with a woman who is apparently her admiring teacher and a man in a suit who is her legal guardian. Something about her being troubled. Then there’s this captain, and he’s talking to one of the kids like they are father and son. His name is Shawn and he is handsome like a movie star.

0:16:00 - Whoa, Jason is suddenly on the ship! This is totally not Crystal Lake, and the ship has left the port, but Jason emerged from the water and grabbed onto the ship! Then Shawn runs into a creepy deckhand who tells him this cruise is doomed. That is important to the formula, apparently. It is then established that Shawn is the boyfriend of Troubled Girl. How troubled can she be if she has a boyfriend who looks like he was rejected by New Kids On The Block for being handsomer than the rest of the group.

The rollout of this motley cast of characters continues with a rocker girl and a longhaired filmmaking auteur. The rocker girl walks around with her guitar rocking, and the auteur films her for a video. But then they part ways, and she goes down below decks to experience the primo echo acoustics or something. She just rocks down there by herself with nothing but her rad axe. Not even an amp, even though she succeeds in playing loud rock music. But Jason shows up! He chases her a bit, gets his hands on her electric guitar and bashes her to death with it.

0:23:14 - Whoa, surprisingly ambitious shot they pulled off! In all one shot we see Jason come down some stairs onto like a promenade deck, then he looks at the porthole window of a room, and the camera goes through the porthole and continues through the room in a way that is not at all obvious to understand how they did it! Good job!

It’s Troubled Girl’s room. She has a vision of a drowning little boy. Little Boy Jason, I guess. If I’m supposed to know her relationship to Jason, I must have missed it.

So suit guy is Troubled Girl’s uncle, I get that now. But also he is chaperoning the kids on this cruise so he’s like a teacher. And he is very stuffy.

There are two new characters, boy-crazy girls, and between them and Troubled Girl there is a lot of hairspray in this movie’s budget.

Uncle Suit walks in on Boy-Crazy 1 & 2 doing cocaine! He doesn’t quite catch them in the act, so he just says something menacing about how one of them has a project due. But aren’t they graduating? And on the “we made it” celebratory cruise? One of the Boy-Crazy girls (2 I think) is played by Kelly Hu, who has had plenty of success these past 30 years. But for now she is just Boy-Crazy 2.

Someone is in the sauna, this little ship has a sauna. I have no idea who the boy is in the sauna because he covered his face with a towel. Jason comes in and grabs a scalding hot rock, way bigger than the hot rocks that usually are in saunas, and kills the boy by shoving the big rock through his chest.

Boy-Crazy 1 has gotten it into her head that Troubled Girl is the one who got Uncle Suit to walk in on them doing drugs, so she bumps Troubled Girl into the water! Before getting fished back onboard she has a vision of Little Boy Jason pulling her down. Some other unrealistic interactions take place when she gets back on deck, but then she has really scary visions in the bathroom.

0:35:00 - In perhaps the most gruesome scene in this series so far… Boy-Crazy 1 is in her cabin wearing a silk robe. Uncle Suit walks right the fuck in and gets all huffy at her about “where’s your biology project”. He’s serious! And she is ready for that question because she jettisons the robe to reveal that she has drawn some artful anatomy references on her underwear’d body! She’s unambiguously seductive and kisses him and pulls him into bed! He is mostly not having it and eventually wriggles his way away from her scoldingly. But Auteur was filming! It was all a blackmail plan of some kind.

The next scene is Boy-Crazy 1, just moments after blackmailing Uncle Suit, getting out of the shower in her bathroom as Jason comes in. She sees him come in and look around and decides to just stay in the bathroom and be scared. But he smashes his arm through the door, tosses her around a little, smashes the bathroom mirror, and after another drawn-out approach, stabs her with a piece of the broken mirror.

In the very next scene, the ship’s pilot is piloting when Jason creeps up from behind and kills him with something long and sharp and snippy. Then the Dad Captain comes in and finds the body, and just like that Jason is behind him with a knife. It’s just a run-of-the-mill throat-slash but it’s edited with a stylish frame-rate effect so it’s still fresh and exiting.

Shawn finds this carnage right away and since he’s the Captain’s son he has some ship cred, maybe he can get the ship back to shore! But when he tries to radio for help, Jason cuts some cable somewhere to thwart it. And he just seems disappointingly clueless about what to do otherwise.

Everyone assembles in the cockpit - what do you call a cockpit on a ship, I forget - and Creepy Deckhand repeats his warning that the cruise is doomed, and this time he says he knows Jason Is on the ship to kill everyone, but Uncle Suit is so mad at that story that he grabs a knife and comes at the creepy deckhand! Others are around though so the fight is broken up.

Boy-Crazy 2 wasn’t with everyone who went to the cockpit; she decided to go look for Boy-Crazy 1. But when she finds her body, she runs around screaming! And instead of ending up someplace where there is anyone, she ends up in the unoccupied disco. Loud music is playing. Lights are swirling. Sensory overload. And Jason is there! He kills her by strangling her to the kind of music that all the kids like nowadays.

Auteur always has his camera, and now he is shuffling around the ship with his camera in one hand and a shotgun in the other. Someone suddenly appears in front of him and he accidentally shoots the guy. He starts to feel bad about that, although continuing to film, but then Jason shows up, knocks the camera away, and chases him. He kills Auteur by picking him up and throwing him so hard at an electrical console that all the electricity blows up and makes him be on fire and twitchy and dead!

Shawn’s friend from before is just wandering scared on the decks when he runs into Jason, so he climbs a ladder up a mast. Even though he climbs up way past Jason, Jason can still somehow reach up and throw him on some stuff, we don’t see what stuff, but it makes him be Dead Friend.

Pretty chaotic on this ship; Jason watches some of them trying to figure out a place to be. Uncle Suit, what is his deal. He had an argument with someone about using the flare gun. There’s a storm so no one will see it, someone says, but Uncle Suit makes some sinister comment about there only being one person that needs to see it. The fire is super problematic from Auteur getting killed, and now the ship is flooding for some reason? Is the storm just that bad?

Uncle Suit yells at Shawn, he says “this is all your fault!” What the hell is he talking about. Shortly thereafter Creepy Deckhand shows up and Uncle Suit aims the flare gun at him, he just thinks he needs to shoot Creepy Deckhand with the flare gun, that was his strategy all along! That and blame all these violent murders on one of the kids who fancies his niece. But the flare gun does nothing and Creepy Deckhand was already about to die anyway because there is an axe in his back.

The survivors have all now gotten into a lifeboat, and now they are just rowing away on a lifeboat. It’s taking forever to get anywhere, just how far off shore were they? Their rowing is extremely weak and devoid of urgency to a level that puts it among the more unbelieveable things in this movie.

Uncle Suit literally snarks at Shawn, “I hope you can find shore soon, CAPTAIN! We don’t all want to drown out here!” I admit, if they make his death really violent it will be satisfying. Yes indeed. Well played, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. Well played.

1:03:40 - Oh, the reason it was taking them so long to get anywhere in their little lifeboat is that they had to end up in New York harbor, right off Manhattan! They find a dock area and start looking around for help… and Jason also climbs up on the dock because he just was able to follow them there somehow.

Also, by the way, Troubled Girl’s beloved dog came with them in the lifeboat.

They get mugged right there at the dock. Because Troubled Girl is pretty, the muggers take her away! They take her to their little headquarters in a gap between two warehouses, say “welcome to the casbah sister” and inject her with liquid narcotics… but Jason shoes up and finds the needle that just got used, and he actually stabs the first mugger with the needle! Because he’s Jason, he can stab someone so hard with a three inch needle that it writhes painfully all the way through his body and kills him! Another mugger tries to shoot Jason, but mugger bullets are no match for Jason Voorhees, so he clangs the guy to death on a metal pipe while Troubled Girl runs away.

One of the remaining students somehow runs afoul of Jason shortly thereafter, not sure how he got separated from the rest of the group. But Jason chases him onto a roof of a nearby building, and I’m sitting here typing this as many, many of this movie’s seconds are spent with this student trying to beat up Jason with his fists! He just punches him and punches him and punches him repeatedly for a while, and Jason just sort of barely notices. Finally, Jason takes one swing and knocks the guy’s head off.

Just as quickly as they all got inexplicably separated, the four remaining people from the cruise all run into each other with an NYPD cop, so it looks like everything is going to be okay… but when they get into the squad car, a mugger head is on the dashboard! Jason is there! He gets the cop! The rest are in the car so Troubled Girl drives away… but she has a stylish vision of Little Boy Jason, and that ends with Actual Jason on the ground inexplicably unmoving, the cop car ramming a building and exploding violently, and Troubled Girl’s hair looking more fabulous than ever before. Three of them got out of the car before it exploded, but the teacher who was nice to Troubled Girl at the beginning isn’t with them so maybe she blew up with the cop car.

1:17:00 - Oh a flashback! Young girl who is probably Young Troubled Girl is lake boating with Uncle Suit. POS that he is, he tells her that she needs to learn to swim or Jason Voorhees will get her, and he even pushes her into the lake so that she’ll learn the hard way! What a tool! Little Boy Jason is down there, we see, grabbing at her ankles to hold her down.

Back to the present day, she confronts him about it and runs away. Then Jason gets up and walks at Uncle Suit! Why, he wasn’t dead at all! Then a very strange thing happens which I don’t think was a fully baked cinematic setpiece… Uncle Suit runs away into a building. Seconds later, Jason throws him out of a second floor window of that building. Then Jason is next to him in the alley where he fell, and he grabs him and shoves him in a barrel of sludge until he drowns.

All that’s left are Troubled Girl and Shawn. She reveals that one of the reasons she’s so troubled is that her parents died in a car accident and she was at school when she heard the news. Well of course she’s a basket case, it’s no wonder no one understands how to deal with her. That is the most intense story I’ve ever heard in my life. Or they just never got around to writing a more interesting story for this moment in the movie. But anyway, she and Shawn then shove their mouths together and it looks like that’s the first time that’s ever happened in all of human history. But Jason interrupts them and it’s a chase down into the subway.

They get on a train. So much graffiti! What a dystopian nightmare! Is this the future the liberals want???!!! Jason is there though. There is no escaping Jason.

The train stops and Jason chases them down the tunnel. Shawn tackles Jason very bravely, and boy does that work out well for him because Jason totally fries up from touching that rail so hard. Shawn is fine though even though he was also rolling around and touching rails.

Troubled Girl and Shawn get up to the surface and are momentarily blinded by the dazzling lights of The Borough Of Manhattan, America’s Most Exciting Borough, but then Jason, just fine as always, shows up. He chases them into a diner, makes some trouble there, and then chases them into a dead end alley. There is one way out though… through a manhole and down into the sewers!

They actually run into a sewer worker down there. Much of Manhattan has been inhabited only by gangs in this movie, so this is a pleasant surprise. He tells them that the sewer is about to have its regularly scheduled nightly flood of toxic waste so it’s a good idea to not be in the sewers pretty soon.

But Jason catches up with them and kills the sewer worker by taking his wrench and clubbing him with it in a way that is cool shadows and blood spatter on the sewer wall.

Jason comes after Troubled Girl, but she spots a vat of toxic liquid and douses Jason with it! It messes him up! They are able to climb up a thing but all it gets them is a few feet above Jason’s head. But he can’t follow because he’s been toxic’d and that is making him gravely flummoxed. We hear the abstract sound of a drowning boy crying for help as a flood of toxic liquid rushes through, but just below where Troubled Girl and Shawn are clinging. It drowns Jason and when it goes away he is a little drowned boy. Shortly thereafter, they are strolling along Times Square and that dog finds them. It is the last thing that happens in the eight Friday the 13th movies that were released between 1980 and 1989.

So this movie was not campier or wittier than any of the others, and it didn’t really try to be. It very much changed the setting, even though most of it was on that ship. It wasn’t good. You should not watch it. I would advise against it. But if you do, may I please review your notes?

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 25: Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood

Two more movies remain in order to fulfill my commitment to watch these eight Friday the 13th movies and share my thoughts. After watching the first six movies, I must say I wish I could have come away with more appreciative observations. When I ask myself what these artists are most proud of with these movies, my first thought is “they were easy to make and we made a lot of money”. You might suggest that there was solid craftsmanship in the makeup effects, but An American Werewolf in London and The Thing both came out before the third Friday the 13th movie, and those two movies make these effects look like high school projects.

But the biggest missed opportunity I’m sensing so far is the idiotic humor. If there were actual funny people on the creative teams of these movies, they were probably just told to shut up by the cocky assholes who outrank them. “Just get a funny looking actor, tell them to act funny, boom, there’s your funny.” Maybe having actual humor in horror-comedy was more of a foreign idea in the 80s. Whatever the excuse is, it’s what I’m observing now. So here I go with the one whose title promises some blood that is new.

I have not seen this movie. Will it surprise me. In any way even at all. Nope. Nope it won’t. Unless it does!

This one is beginning with a montage with narration. There are shots we’ve seen in the first six movies, plus some new imagery of the grave that was a big deal in the last movie. A good couple of minutes of the end of the last movie reminds us, with the help of, again, a narrator, that Jason is chained to the bottom of that lake.

After one unambiguous shot showing Jason down there, we cut to a little girl who doesn’t like hearing her parents fight, so she gets in a boat and goes out on the lake which apparently they live right next to. When the parents go out after her she tells them she wishes they were dead… and lake magic responds by making the dad’s dock structure thing fall into the lake!

Her name is Tina, and we cut to her as a young lady, apparently remembering that incident from her childhood. She and her mom are driving to Crystal Lake because she has been seeing a mental health professional who convinced them that she needs to go back to where it happened in order to not still be bad-brained.

Or… maybe I misinterpreted it because what seems to be happening in her session with the Doctor is that he’s trying to get her to do telekinesis! He thinks that’s what happened All Those Years Ago… and he’s right! He motivates Tina with aggressive yelling and she does some telekinesis.

What happens next is she gets emotional and runs outside to the dock where her dad had died before, and yes, it’s only now confirmed that he died because the dock collapsed with him on it. She vocally emotes that she misses her dad and wants to bring him back. She concentrates on doing lake magic. That gives Jason the ability to escape the chain and rise up out of the lake! It also became nighttime at some point.

There is a group of other characters that we’re learning about bit by bit. They are Exciting Young Friends who have rented a house next to Tina and her Mom. A surprise party for one of them is being planned. But I must offer a word about the Doctor. Because what is up with him? He is at their house and is maybe staying with them? I mean it’s nighttime and he’s still there as if Tina is his full-time occupation. And he doesn’t seem too fazed by her supernatural abilities.

Anyway, a couple of the Exciting Young Friends didn’t quite make it to the house because of car trouble, so they walk through the woods to get to the surprise party. But Jason is there and he kills them with a spike thing. Like in the last movie, they use that same music that gets used in The Shining, which I looked up and can tell you that it’s from the fifth movement of Hector Berlioz’s Fantastical Symphony.

0:23:25 - Okay we’re at the Exciting Young Friends party, and it’s a similar dynamic to the fourth movie, where it’s a bunch of young adults with awful social skills, renting a house next door to the nice family. So just as the movie has started to ramp up its vision of getting us to laugh at characters that are dorky, nay BECAUSE they are dorky, Tina has a vision of the killings that just happened in the woods. Do you think anyone will believe her? Before you say “of course not Bobby! What a question!” remember that Doctor has a peculiar curiosity about that stuff.

Another couple is camping. We saw them earlier getting busy in a van, but now they have a tent. It’s possible I’m confusing them with other Exciting Young Friends; they’re hard to distinguish. The guy goes to get firewood and Jason kills him real quick, but then he finds the girl in the tent, and he slashes his way inside. He then zips her up in the sleeping bag she’s in, grabs it and just thwacks her to death on a tree!

It’s the next day, and Tina is having a get-to-know-you moment with a local boy with a very thick neck. The conversation is useful to us because it confirms the basic premise that was drawn kind of weakly earlier. She opens up to him that she’s insecure about being kind of crazy.

Then Tina and ThickNeck go to the house where the party was. The rest of the characters are unappealingly quirky in a manner familiar to those of us who have been watching these movies every night for the past week. In partiuclar, these girls are supper catty; they really want to make each other feel like shit. But when one of the catty girls picks on Tina for her mental health situation, Tina has kind of a Carrie moment and telekinesises her necklace apart right off her neck! Then she runs to her house and is still freaking out and the TV levitates.

That night one of the couples heads out to the lake for a skinnydipping. Jason just walks up to the dude and machetes him. The girl had already gotten in the water, but she looks over and sees that he is now dead boyfriend, and suddenly Jason is in the water grabbing her and I guess drowning her, but also hurting her in other ways, lots of underwater thrashing.

0:39:40 - One of the young guys is a character they clearly put a lot of thought into. They wanted him to be The Weird Guy, and he’s very, very weird. But not in a way that actual people ever are. The writers of this movie don’t know what a weird person is, but they had to make a weird character so he just says things like “star monkey” and puts colored things on his torso.

There is something going on with a uniquely shaped spike. Doctor goes for a walk in the woods and finds one of the dead bodies, and finds one of those spikes near the bodies. Then Mom is in his office, which, why does he have an office in their house, with a desk that’s full of his stuff, it’s not like he’s there all the time. But Mom goes through and finds another of those spikes in the drawer. He comes back and she confronts him. Tina listens at the door and hears him say he’s going to have her committed so she gets in the car and bolts…

…and she sees a vision of Jason totally gutting Mom! It makes her break the car and return home on foot probably.

One of the Exciting Young Friends puts makeup on because a catty friend shamed her earlier, and then for really no good reason she enters the scary woods looking for someone despite being obviously terrified and also not having a reason to do that. Jason is there! Ch ch ch! Ha ha ha! Chase chase chase! There is a cabin! Hide in the cabin, glowup girl! She does and thinks she has a good hiding place but Jason bangs through the wall and kills her with a scythe.

Three couples within the Young Energetic Gang are shown having sex in different places. One couple is doing it in a van, and because the Exciting Young Friends are there to throw a surprise party, this movie’s set decorator decided that the inside of the van should be thoroughly decorated with happy birthday decorations, as if that’s where the party was going to be. But I don’t think that’s where the party was going to be.

Jason kills the guy when he goes to investigate a noise, and it’s very bloody how he just crushes the guy’s head. Then he kills the girl who is still in the van, I think with a funnel. I think he had a funnel and he shoves the “pointy” part of the funnel into her brain.

Tina has met up with ThickNeck and for some reason they are in the woods where that last body was found by Doctor, so now they have seen that same body.

0:56:55 - Cool shot, one of the guys that had just had sex is down in the kitchen for some food, and some lightning reveals Jason hiding in the corner in a cool way. Then stab.

Tina and ThickNeck have decided to snoop in Doctor’s desk. They find the spike, which is meaningful to Tina somehow, and in his desk there are clippings about Jason, so she realizes that’s who the lake monster man was before. Her emotions make lots of things move in the room. That Tina, she really is the… New Blood.

Another of the guys is in the house just chillin’ after having his romp with one of the catty girls cut short because she is catty. Jason kills that guy. That guy will never get the chance to find a girl who appreciates him and who sincerely wants to share a night of lovemaking with him. I think a great idea for a movie would be one that isn’t this one.

One of the Catty Girls Who Just Got Laid is going into some rooms in the house because she doesn’t know where the guy went. There is a fakeout, which we haven’t had as much of since they went way overboard with those in the earlier movies. The fakeout is a cat in a closet! It made a noise but it is just a cat! A cute kitty. They become friends, but then she sees that a head, a straight-up HEAD, is sitting there on a thing in the room! Then Jason comes through the door and what does he do? What does Jason do when he sees her in the room with the head that he must have put there? He JASONS HER!!!! By throwing her through the window.

Then, wait, what? Mom and Doctor have gone into the woods. Looking for Tina I guess, but also still arguing because frankly Doctor is not very transparent. Jason joins them and after a moment they decide to see if running away might help. It doesn’t really; Jason impales Mom with some sort of implement, right in front of Doctor who watches it happen. Not with any glee, mind you, but he doesn’t seem concerned for his life.

Tina and ThickNeck get separated and she heads into the woods for reasons of I don’t know. She is looking around and she sees Doctor who looks super suspicious. He lies and says Mom is back at the house and she calls him out so he’s like “fine she’s dead” and Tina freaks out. Then Jason shows up behind him with a really cool power tool. It’s like eight feet long and has a spinning buzz saw at the end! This time Doctor is worried; Jason chases him down and uses this new equipment advantageously against this adversary.

After stumbling upon Dead Mom, Jason and Tina wind up in a standoff in front of the house. She uses her powers to attack him with cables from the power lines and the puddle he’s standing in! It works for a second, but then he just stops being affected by that and chases her into the party house. She telekinesises some door closing but that doesn’t help any more than if she’d used her hands. But she tries some more stuff and eventually makes a porch roof fall on him. She is proud of her work.

She finds ThickNeck in a room somewhere with The Cattiest One and brags about having killed Jason. The Cattiest One winds up getting punished for not believing anyone’s been murdered when Jason comes to the front door with an axe and makes her his axe murder victim. See, Jason hasn’t been killed after all!!!!!

The chase gets to the point where ThickNeck is laid out on the floor face down and Jason is about to kill him by stepping on him real hard, but Tina does some telekinesis things to thwart that plan. It turns into a basement fight with Tina coming up with more ideas to have telekinesis be useful in battle. Tl;dr - Jason is very much on fire and the house totally explodes.

But just when Tina and ThickNeck think they’re safe out on the dock, Jason, who by the way busted out of his hockey mask a while ago and looks like the Tales from the Crypt mascot but way grosser and with brain-ooze all coming off his head, shows up again and tries to get him!

The thing to know about the climactic moment that ensues is that in the world of this movie, when someone dies in this lake, their body just stays there forever. They don’t fish it out and bury it or cremate it like they do in the world that you and I inhabit. What I’m saying is that Tina’s dad is still down there for some reason. And Tina determines that the solution to her immediate predicament is to use her mental powers to have her dad’s nearly intact body come up from the lake and pull Jason in. Moments later in the back of an ambulance, Tina tells ThickNeck that the Jason problem has been taken care of forever. Credits roll!

So this movie was much like the other movies, except that they introduced a character who has X-Men abilities. Did I mention that I own this movie and can watch it whenever I please for the rest of my life? I don’t even have to get permission.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 24: Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives

This, my fortunate acquaintances, is my lovingly prepared gift to you. These words, composed from the heart with precious little advance preparation, are meant to reflect my sincere and scholarly reactions to the Friday the 13th slasher movies of Hollywood, America.

So yeah, I’m watching the Friday the 13th movies and posting my extemporaneous (though cleaned up a bit after the fact) notes. We’re at the sixth movie in the series. I caught some of this on cable when I was in high school and I remember telling people it was the worst movie of all time, even though I probably only watched a half-hour middle chunk of it. It’s probably much, much better than I’d given it credit for. It’s probably so good. It is probably so god damned good. My upper lip is trembling as I engage the “play” functionality on my movie playing device.

So far my favorite thing about it is that it’s on the same disc as the previous movie so I didn’t have to change discs. Ooh, I bet that means it isn’t too long either!

It starts with some quick, effective exposition. It’s Tommy and a friend of his, driving somewhere. It’s not even the same actor that played Tommy last time, but they are very clear with the dialogue that they have sneaked out of the institution to go to Jason’s grave and “send him to hell”. The friend has clownish mannerisms. Whenever they want us to think someone’s funny, they don’t actually use creativity to generate humor. Someone just tells someone to behave the way funny people behave.

Ooh, they came to Jason’s grave and dug it up. They open the coffin and hoo boy that is a very maggoty, wormy corpse.

Remember, Jason wasn’t even in the last movie in a he’s-real way. So the last we saw of him was when younger-Tommy killed him all by himself two movies ago. The acting by this Tommy actor guy is effectively conveying that that was a big deal for him.

Oh my god, the movie just got way worse. In a Shakespearean moment of passion, Tommy stabs the corpse of Jason with a spear-rod-thing that was in the graveyard. But lightning strikes it and it reanimates Jason! Other than being very rot-faced behind the hockey mask, Jason is now the same old Jason we’ve come to know and love. Clownish guy tries to club him, but Jason just shoves his boney arm through Clownish Guy’s body really easily. Tommy runs away…

…and two fast movie references happen. For some reason, a music cue uses that same memorable theme that was used in The Shining that’s actually something else; the idea clearly is “we’ll use the Shining music in here”. It’s Beethoven or something, right? But also, the title happens and is an overt lampooning of the openings of the James Bond series. The whole looking through the gun sight thing, but it’s Jason throwing a machete instead of James Bond shooting his gun. This movie comparing itself to those movies is pretty haughty.

Tommy goes to the police, and they don’t care what he says, he’s trouble! They lock him up! I don’t think he mentioned that his friend got killed.

Now a middle-class-looking couple is driving through the woods. The guy is played by Tony Goldwyn whose career as an actor and director has risen well above this movie. Wasn’t he like the main guy on the show Scandal? Anyway, he doesn’t last long in this movie; Jason blocks their way and stabs the car, and then stabs TG, and then stabs the girl. With a spear, each of them. Probably the one that helped reanimate him.

Uh oh, the cop who locked up Tommy has a daughter who is in a group of camp counselors! They’re going to go be camp counselors at a nearby camp! They are flip about the legendary murders! No one will listen to Tommy!

0:19:55 - Here’s a twist… the counselors get to the camp and continue to joke dismissively about murder… and a bus arrives full of children! This movie is going to take place when the kids are actually at the camp! We haven’t seen that before. Why did I ever say anything bad about this movie.

Nearby there are some corporate business people playing paintball as a work retreat! Jason is watching them. Ch. Ha. One of them we never even see speak to anyone runs into Jason and Jason kills him by grabbing him by the arm and throwing him face first into a tree so hard that his face just liquefies, plus the arm comes off.

So here’s what happens next - a group of three paintballers gets killed by Jason who just shows up in front of them and machetes them all in one swipe. But nearby there is another paintballer who we saw a little bit before, and he is a comically bumbling buffoon. Like, when they cast him, they got the ten nerdiest looking men they could find and told them to all act as bumblingly foolish as possible, and they cast the one who was the most bumblingly foolish. But he gets away.

The plot kind of stays around Jason’s grave because the gravedigger had come upon the disturbed grave and cleaned it up. He muttered a monologue about making sure no one thought he was a bad gravedigger. Now this movie is comparing itself to Hamlet. So now Tommy tries to convince the cop/dad that his story about Jason is true… but the grave is normal looking and that contradicts Tommy’s story. What a disaster for Tommy. But that gravedigger sure saved face.

0:30:00 - Now it’s nighttime and some people are in the woods. There’s this new couple, which includes a guy played by a TV personality named Roger Rose that I recognized when I saw this scene back then. It is stunt casting, and yet he is an extremely obscure personality for us in 2020. But also the gravedigger is just wandering in the woods all drunk. Jason kills them all. He’s just been using the machete; there’s no ingenuity about death types on these last ones. And they’re just quick scares. Just kind of unremarkable. Part of what you’re looking forward to if you like these movies is the revelation of how he kills someone, but we’re missing out on so much of that sweet joy.

We return to the camp and see the kids asleep in their barracks. I so dare you to convince me that there is a better word than “barracks” for this room full of kid beds. Anyway, one of the kids, age approximately 7, had fallen asleep reading No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre! What kind of nutty Friday the 13th movie is this anyway.

Young couple doing an odd sex dance to 80s music in an RV. Perfect fodder for Jason. Ch ch ch ch ch! Ha ha ha ha ha! Jason cuts the power cord to the RV so they can’t do their sex bop. They are afraid so they drive away, but Jason is inside! The guy is driving and reveling in the fact that he chose loud rock music to listen to as they drive away, but Jason kills the girl by pressing her face so hard into the wall of the RV that it makes an imprint. Then he kills the guy, still driving the car, with a knife right through the head. Very quick edits, minimal gore. The RV overturns but Jason emerges triumphantly.

News of the last bunch of murders has already reached DadCop, and he concludes that Tommy is doing murders in a Jason-esque manner just to “prove” that “Jason” is “real”. You can’t fool DadCop; he has seen it all before.

One thing I remember noticing back in the 80s is that Jason was invariably shot in a very stark, non-dramatic way. Just a character like the other ones. He’s not shadowy or mysterious. Earlier movies achieved more tension by doing POV shots instead of just regular he-is-walking shots.

Tommy and Daughter had a conversation on the phone that sets up that the two of them are going to collaborate on Tommy’s plan. Daughter is pretty committed, but also her whole attitude is inappropriately amused. She’s smiling about everything like “ooh fun what exciting hijinks are we getting into, whatever it is I’m game”.

One of Daughter’s counselor friends just got killed. Jason pulled her through the window from outside and twisted her head right off her body. I think Jason is stronger than he’s been in other movies.

Daughter and Tommy totally get busted by her father. She thought she could get away with going somewhere but DadCop is too smart for her. No going-somewhere for you, Daughter!

For a second there we saw Jason skulking around the actual sleeping kids, but then he is seen skulking somewhere else. A Little Blond Girl seems to be a little observant about creepy goings-on so she has been complaining, and Jason keeps an eye on that situation ch ch ch ha ha ha.

0:56:45 - Hey, I like this couple of shots! A counselor is reassuringly tucking Little Blond Girl in, and as she stands up, Jason is watching them through the window. Right next to her and very big and visible, but the counselor isn’t facing the window, so she doesn’t see him. She walks through the room and we see Jason through other windows following her, they did a good job.

A couple of minutes of spooky, decently-filmed suspense happens as that counselor is alone and worried. That ends with Jason coming in and Jasoning her. A smear of blood appears on a window, and a moment later her body gets thrown through it in a way that truly looks icky.

Tommy and Daughter came up with a cunning plan to bust out of jail and continue working on Tommy’s End Jason Once And For All project. We see the movie’s attempt to give them romantic tension, and although it isn’t very good, I’ve probably seen worse. I’ve seen a lot of movies. I’ve seen I Love Trouble.

DadCop and two deputies get to the camp just in time because the kids are now without any counselors. The two deputies go separately to search the grounds and one of them gets killed with an arrowhead or something like that in the head, Jason flings it with admirable precision at his forehead. The other one actually found Little Blond Girl who tells him about the scary man. Then the scary man is there! The deputy shoots Jason several times from just a foot away but nothing happens to Jason. Jason grabs the deputy’s head and just smooshes it. This exact thing has happened to me several times.

DadCop comes upon Jason and shoots him with a shotgun. That causes Jason to lie down on the ground for 1.5 seconds, then get back up again. DadCop tries this several more times with the same results, then runs away.

The kids are scared and hiding, but one of them has a couple of uninspired wisecracks that I could type out here for you but my fingers won’t let me, they know I would regret it, they know me so well these fingers.

Also Tommy and Daughter have arrived and seem to not be unified about how to proceed. While they are working through that difficulty, Jason found DadCop and killed him by folding him at the waist in a way that honestly probably wouldn’t be immediately fatal but it looks so awkward that you’d probably just want to be dead, just think how people would stare.

Tommy is on a boat trying to lure Jason into the actual lake where he had drowned, and he has a chain-plus-boulder contraption that he has prepared for the occasion. Also part of the plan involves drizzling some gasoline onto the surface of the water and lighting it. Jason walks into the middle of the lake toward him and lights the lake on fire. That must be possible because I’m seeing it with my own eyes.

After using their arm limbs to flail at each other, Tommy actually succeeds in throwing the chain-boulder-thing around Jason and anchoring him to the bottom of the lake! But somehow he can’t extricate himself from Jason’s grasp and very quickly drowns. Also the boat broke in half.

Daughter swims over there to try to save Tommy and Jason grabs at her while still anchored. A series of deliberately unrevealing angles makes it look like she can, and does, start up the boat engine and kill Jason with the propeller. She then drags Tommy to shore and saves him.

But Jason is still anchored down there, we see, and he’s alive and looking at the stuff that is in front of his face. That’s the end of the movie! I think they sincerely hope that you had a good time watching it, and also they sincerely don’t mind if you don’t ever think about it again for the rest of your life.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 23: Friday The 13th - A New Beginning

In case you’re just joining us, I have committed myself to the task of watching each of the eight Friday the 13th movies that came out in the 80s, taking notes as I watch them, then posting those notes. I’m about to watch the fifth movie.

And hey, is it time to just recap the “story” so far? I mean… sure, I guess. It all started in 1958, when a little boy named Jason drowned at Camp Crystal Lake. Supposedly the camp counselors responsible for keeping an eye on him were distracted with their recreational boinking. That’s how the story goes… however, what we see in 1958 is two camp counselors boinking and then getting murdered by someone with ostensibly no related drowning event. Anyway, Twenty years later Jason’s mom stalks some camp counselors that are at that camp and kills them very violently. She gets beheaded before she can kill the last counselor, but then that counselor gets pulled into the water by ghoulboy Jason; she survives this only to be murdered by him in her house at a later date.

Meanwhile another facility down the shore from Camp Crystal Lake (and I might add that the actual eponymous lake doesn’t appear to be any bigger than the apparel section of a Target) has some new counselor trainees on a retreat of some kind. Jason has quickly matured from a swampy child-monster to a hooded, but otherwise sharply-dressed psychopath who doesn’t say anything. He kills everyone at this retreat except for one girl who seems to kind of get him. Also maybe her boyfriend survives, we never really get an answer on that, but she is familiarly hauled away by an ambulance and forgotten about. Jason keeps his killing spree going quite indiscriminately, but focusing on another group of young people that are hanging out at a nearby ranch. He kills everyone there, plus some other people he found, except for one girl who survives long enough to get pulled into the water by a ghoul that is probably a Jason’s Mom Thing. We don’t know what happens to her, but she definitely did not stay dry.

The hospital where that last batch of victims ended up got a little bit murdered up. Jason was in there because he was thought of as one of the victims somehow, maybe a deliberate playing-dead trick because he does like to do stuff like that. He heads back to the woodsy area around Crystal Lake and decides to pick on the residents of two area houses. He does lots of killings but a brother and sister from one of those houses stab him so many times that he just can’t get up an murder them. But in the process of that, the brother might have caught some evil. Is this the final chapter. Will there be a new beginning. Soon the contents of Disc 5 will reveal all.

(I have not seen this movie btw)

It opens very differently from the others… someone on a raincoat is walking urgently through the woods during a nighttime storm. It’s Corey Feldman! He approaches Jason’s grave in the woods! Like totally a grave with a headstone that says Jason Voorhees. But also two hooligans were on their way to that grave; they want to dig Jason up! CF is hiding and watching that; the hooligans don’t know about him. They want to see Jason’s body, and when they succeed with that, it stabs them to death because Jason was buried with a bunch of his favorite weapons. Plus also wearing the hockey mask. He’s about to kill CF when whoever was dreaming this dream wakes up in a van that appears to be for crazy people of some kind. I don’t recognize anyone, but maybe the dreaming person is grown-up CF? Probably that. Not played by CF, though.

His name is Tommy. I think that was CF’s character’s name so yeah it’s him. I wonder if he’s still into video games. He’s being delivered to an institute of mental health. A nice couple is in charge, a Nice Woman and a Nice Man who make it sound like it will be Nice there.

Tommy looks wistfully at a picture of his mom and sister. The sister survived the last movie ostensibly so what is the deal with her.

Reggie the Reckless is a character that introduces himself to Tommy quite confrontationally. He is only about 11 and he likes to scare people; he clearly thinks he’s going to totally pwn Tommy with pranks, but Tommy is apparently still into monster masks so he responds in a horror-mask way that earns some cred with Reggie the Reckless.

We get a glimpse at the motley cast of teens and young adults that populates this youth mental facility slash work farm place… and then two old killjoys show up to scold everyone for being crazy. These two killjoy characters are the most broadly performed caricatures we’ve seen since the “you’re all doomed” old guy. Their acting is the kind of acting you see at the Renaissance festival, except without the half-assed English accents.

One of the kids at the institute is just a well-meaning dork with chocolate smears on his face that everyone hates… one guy hates him so much that he murders him! With an axe! Chocolate Smear was trying to strike up a conversation with a man who was angrily chopping wood, and bothered him so much that he axes him right there in front of others and in broad daylight! This story I tell you, it is a veritable New Beginning.

New characters. Leather Jacket Assholes, are talking about the murder at the nuthouse. They are in the woods nearby and one of them goes to take a leak while the other tries to fix something wrong with the car. They both get some kind of killed! The first one, the killer shoves a lit flare in his mouth, and the other one gets his throat slashed while he’s acting very cocky and charismatic in the front seat of the car. Lit flare death is better even though it looks very fake.

But now we’re back at the workhouse institute place and they’re all mournful because of that odd and traumatic axe murder. Someone tries to be playfully scary with a monster mask and Tommy flips out and beats him up! This is a drama about the dysfunctional relationships between the involuntary residents of a workhouse.

Ugh, now we’re back on the Killjoy characters. They are extremely unpleasant to behold. I hope Jason really is still killing people and that he takes care of those two irritants.

New characters, a waitress at a café and a hot doggin’ yuppie in a muscle car trying to impress her, It seems like it’s always important in these movies to have loud asshole characters, but there are really a lot of them in this one. If it’s because they think we want to see assholes get killed… they have a point.

Hot Dog was doing some coke lines in his car waiting for the waitress when he very abruptly, but not unpredictably got axed right in his bald spot! Then the waitress comes out to find him and gets axed in the sternum. Those two, and the leather jacket dudes, don’t have any ostensible relationship to the workhouse kids, although the leather dudes mentioned hearing about the murder there. Are we supposed to suspect that Jason is following Tommy and killing randos in the area surrounding where he is?

So there’s this couple, a frisky, playful couple that are, I think, residents at the mental health facility, but they smolder with the carefree lust of what can only be described as camp counselors. They sneak off into the woods to get naked and fool around! An old man is watching them! The old man gets knifed in the gut! Then the girl of the couple gets sheared to death while the guy is taking a break somewhere. But he returns to find what happened to her - we see that he sheared her right in the eyes, it’s gross! Then he gets a very good death; the killer secures him to a tree with a leather strap, which he tightens and tightens and tightens with his makeshift branch-crank until his skull is crushed! This consistent ingenuity of homicide methodology can only come from the one, the only, the master, Jason Voorhees.

New character alert… I kind of like this part! So Reggie the Reckless is given a ride to visit his big brother at the trailer park where he lives. Reggie and Big Brother are really happy to see each other! They get along very, very well! Big Brother even offers Reggie an enchilada! We don’t see the enchilada! They’re in a van, not even a trailer, and the dialogue plainly tells us that Big Brother has an enchilada next to him that he makes available to Reggie! Reggie does not accept the proffered enchilada! It is funny that we do not see what the enchilada looks like! What does an enchilada in a van look like!

Meanwhile Tommy gets into big trouble because someone nearby with this movie’s requisite asshole level notices him waiting around near the trailer park, and correctly surmises that he is from the nearby mental health facility. This asshole starts a fight and Tommy has incredible martial arts skills so he beats up the asshole. Why does he have those skills.

Big Brother had to go to the outhouse immediately for enchilada-related reasons after Reggie left. He and his girlfriend have a cute exchange while he’s in there, and just when I think that I like it when this movie’s assholes die and plus I also like Big Brother, he and the girlfriend get killed. Big Brother gets perforated with metal spikes that are shoved at him through the walls of the outhouse. I am disappoint. This is probably this series’ version of the first ten minutes of Up.

Oh, so the Killjoy characters… one of them was the guy that Tommy beat up, and the other one is his mom. Yeah, they hate the mental health facility, so it make some sense that he would pick a fight with Tommy so rashly. He returns home on his motorcycle but he’s so mad about getting beat up that he just rides around outside his house, raging loudly about getting thumped and demanding that his mom do something about it! But he gets beheaded by a knife that takes advantage of his perpetual motorcycle operation. Then a butcher knife comes through the window at his mom and she’s dead, face down in some soup cauldron she’d been obsessing over.

A word about the character with the speech impediment. One of the workhouse kids stutters. Inclusion! He just had some awkward interactions with the couple of ladies in the house and then turned around and saw a raised butcher knife. No more stuttering guy.

I should mention, the glimpses we’ve gotten of the killer are very, very unrevealing. The movie is making sure we don’t have enough information to conclude for sure that it is Jason, although sometimes Tommy has visions of Jason standing somewhere and looking at him.

Another character died that’s in that house. A girl gets naked and goes to bed, sees the body of the stuttering guy that has been placed there to frighten her, and then gets macheted through the mattress.

Then another killing. This character who has been vividly characterized throughout as “girl who is only always ever listening to music that she is clearly super into so much that no one is able to talk to her”, she’s being like that in her room and the killer just goes in and stabs her in the gut.

Reggie and the Nice Woman find those last three bodies stacked on a bed, and they run away, but on their way out of the house, Jason, total actual Jason, bursts through a door at them! He has great posture and wears a clean jumpsuit. They run away into the nearby woods and see an old-fashioned station-wagon ambulance. They open a door of it and a body is in it! I don’t recognize the victim but there have been a lot lately. But also look.. Jason! Nearby! They run away.

The two get separated and Nice Woman comes upon Nice Man spiked through the head into a tree, so very dead! I don’t remember what we last saw of him.

She runs back to the main house, and the cook, who is Reggie’s grandfather, is thrown through the window at her! He has been murdered! Murdered I tell you! She runs away.

Jason is slowly chasing her with his machete as she stumbles through the mud. He is about to kill her but then he is distracted by a tractor coming at him, operated by Reggie! Reggie actually runs him down with the tractor! It’s actually a bulldozer. He bulldozed Jason!

He looks dead but then he grabs her leg. And then they run away.

A very exciting confrontation ensues in the nearby barn where they run. Jason slowly pursues them in there, and the woman comes at him with a chainsaw. They sort of swordfight but with chainsaw and machete.

Tommy, who has been we-don’t-know-where, arrives and the dynamic changes because of the strange connection Jason and Tommy have. Or at least Tommy thinks they have a connection… Jason just walks up to him and slashes him with the machete.

Everyone moves up to the loft of the barn. Tommy looks very badly laid out, so between Reggie and the woman a big struggle happens. But it ends with Jason getting his hand chopped off by Tommy, and Jason falling onto the ground which has this odd grid of metal spikes that kill him just fine.

But! The mask comes off, and it isn’t Jason! Isn’t Jason at all! It’s one of the men we’ve seen around, I forget who.

Oh, the next scene explains it all. It was “Roy”. Roy was one of the cops, or paramedics (?), who responded to the weird axe murder of the Chocolate Smear kid. It turns out that he is the father of Chocolate Smear, and he did all the murders as a very unstable response to that. And The news clippings he was carrying out explain that he decided to make it look like a Jason murder spree.

The movie ends with Tommy having a dream about murdering the woman, waking up in a hospital room and having a Jason phantom vision, then looking at a hockey mask that is in a drawer of his hospital room’s dresser! Then there is a quick final couple of shots that suggest that he has insanely put the hockey mask on and is gonna knife the woman when she enters the room to visit him. The credits roll as he’s about to probably stab her.

So this was kind of hard to get through. I mean, they are all bad movies, and objectively it seems like number 4 was worse than this one. But I was less inclined than normal to fight through the disinterest. It’s worth noting that they were clearly trying for some semblance of a “new beginning”, and they even managed to make it that while also explaining how this is a continuation of the Jason story. And there was all the grisly death you could want, which is what we’re here for in the first place. But none of the scares were good or memorable, and they’re making no effort to one-up the earlier movies in terms of gore effects. And I really lost track of the characters. Except for the ones I hated.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 22: Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter

I’m on movie number four in this eight movie project, and for the first time I’ll be seeing one of these movies that I haven’t ever seen before! When I do my watch-a-movie-and-take-notes projects, I generally do them for movies I’ve already seen before so that it’s not too frustrating to simultaneously watch & type. But I’ll make an exception for these Friday the 13th movies in light of the fact that they suck.

I remember this being out at my local theater in 1984, when I was 13, and even thinking it might be fun to see it, but I never got around to it.

It really must have been bittersweet for audiences at the time, knowing that this would be the final chapter. Each time they had a positive moment of enjoyment with this movie, they had to remember, “oh, I’m really going to miss this. It shall all be gone. Once the lights come back on, the days of new Friday the 13th movies will never return.”

unless

Okay, watching this now for the first time ever.

Again beginning with a rehash. This time however, it’s a montage of moments from the first two movies. Wait, now here’s some of the third movie. But it’s all framed by one of the monologues from the second movie. Much shorter and less of a cheap move than the last two movies did.

The title has a new title-plus-mask image… and then THE FINAL CHAPTER arrives to blow that image up with fire and splody-sounds!

The credits promise the likes of Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover, so that’s exciting.

Okay, now it looks like we’re at the ranch where the third one took place. They’re hauling bodies out of the barn & other buildings. It looks like Jason’s body is one of the bodies because hockey mask!

Actually, I think that first shot was a long-ish crane shot. Cinematically ambitious I guess.

We don’t know yet what happened to the girl at the end of the last one. It’s weird because this scene is at night, but the last movie ended with daytime paramedic activity at the ranch. I’m confused. Please help me. Please tell me that it will all be okay.

One of the covered up bodies has stirred! Jason is probably up to his not-be-dead-after-all tricks!

This scene is about a pair of frisky hospital workers in the “cold room” where there is at least one body, plus a television where the girl “just wants to watch the news”. But 80s-style aerobics is what’s really on the TV. And she kisses him after all and gets quite flirty, but then takes it all back because he is so insensitive or something. They show the aerobics a lot. It’s all pelvic and prurient. Then Jason kills the guy with a bone saw and then goes and finds the girl and kills her with something else because diversity.

Then an abrupt cut to daytime joggers in the woods somewhere!

Now we are learning about the family of the joggers. They live in the country where there is a legend of a psycho, so I guess we’re in the Crystal Lake area. The youngest child is Corey Feldman and his personality is “likes video games and wears a monster mask while playing them”.

Now we are learning about the kids that rented a house across the street. Crispin Glover and another dude are in a car, talking about a girl and they clearly don’t know how to have this kind of conversation, and the writers don’t know how to pretend like they do so the other guy does a gag about how an invisible computer told him that CG is bad at sex. It is an unappealing intro to these characters. We even know there are a bunch of other people in the car, way too many honestly, but we don’t get to know them. Just the two people who talk like broken robots about a woman.

Just to keep the mood where it ought to be, a hitchhiker they drove past gets impaled by Jason!

CF, a tweenager I should point out, is peeping-tom-ing at the canoodling couple in the rented house, and it is interesting to speculate as to whose idea it was for him to act the way he does when he watches them. He bounces excitedly and slams his head repeatedly into a pillow. Whose idea.

Now there’s a skinny dipping scene. They definitely have arrived to the point in the series where they feel it’s important to show pretty girls without any clothes.

For some reason, CF and the adult older sister drove to where the skinny dipping was happening, but they bolted when they realized that’s what it was. There is ch ch ch ch ch ha ha ha ha ha on them as they have car trouble in the woods as they head home, plus also as two of the swimmers are hanging out. But they both turn out to be fakeouts! No one is dying at all! At least we’ll always have the hitchhiker. They can’t take that away from us.

The fakeout with the CF subplot is that it was just some handsome man that comes along to help. He says he is this deep in the woods because he is hunting for bear. CF totally calls him out! There’s no way he’s hunting for bear! No one is just like “it is bear hunting season and I am enjoying some leisurely bear hunting time”. CF is no fool.

They decide to take Bear Hunter in as a guest for perhaps the afternoon. Because of the bubble of this movie, CF shows the Bear Hunter his monster toys and Bear Hunter shares in his enthusiasm.

0:37:13 - Now we are choking down this awkward scene where the young people are hanging out in their house trying to deliver dialogue that is not consistent with normal human psychology. The gist is that the men want to be sexual with the women but there are subtle social obstacles.

!!! Crispin Glover really is interesting! His screen presence absolutely towers above the rest of the cast, when he reacts unfavorably to being teased. But seriously all these interactions are so painful.

For our next murder project, we have an inflatable boat made of thin, vulnerable rubber for a person to get stabbed through. It requires assuming that Jason’s magic powers allow him to just hide under water, waiting for a naked lady to lie down in the boat at night. This project was completed on time and under budget.

Seriously, the most terrifying scenes in this movie are the ones where the sexually frustrated young adults are hanging out and attempting to use words.

Another death just happened because the boyfriend of the recently-killed naked lady went to check on her, found her dead, then was Jason’d with some implements that I couldn’t really understand. Something with a handle shoved into him somehow. It is filmed weirdly and then we just move on to Bear Hunter, camping nearby.

This is a disturbing turn… we’re back on the uninteresting young adults, and one of them announces that he has found something very interesting! We see that it is old movie reels. They start watching them. It’s old, old film of naked people. They laugh and laugh and laugh. Maybe this is art?

Pretty cool visual with this next death, we just see the shadow of Jason coming at her and killing her with a something. Looks cool as a shadow thing, plus it isn’t “those stupid characters talking” which is a HUGE bonus.

We’re back to CF’s family; Mom saw something that startled her but we don’t know what, and CF and Big Sister are… driving home in the car? Where were they, why did they drive somewhere, I forget. Maybe they had to run into town to pick up a packet of it-doesn’t-matter-we-just-needed-Mom-to-be-alone.

Just like that, Older Sister went looking for Mom, but ends up taking shelter from the rain in Bear Hunter’s tent. Bear Hunter, in a very predictable fakeout, slashes a hole in the tent because what is she doing in there anyway.

But we cut back to the young adults and CG gets a very ugly death! He’s all “hey where’s the corkscrew” and Jason makes his hand be corkscrewed and makes his face be stabbed!

Then he kills one of the other young adults just right afterward by being outside her second floor bedroom window and pulling her out the window SO HARD. Seriously it must be a hard job coming up with different ways to kill them, give them a break.

Back to Bear Hunter; he’s fessing up to his true motive which is to hunt Jason. His story is hard to believe, and Big Sister is taking it in very diplomatically.

The one guy in the group of the young adults who is the biggest asshole is also the one most amused by the old films. We see them a lot, these old films they are watching. It is the silent era’s version of soft core porn - women dancing naked. Anyway, the asshole’s death happens when he gets the idea to be close to the projector screen, enabling Jason to stab him through it and making it look kind of cool and be a scene that ends with the projector-still-running cadence.

New death - guy is taking a post-coital shower and Jason comes in and shoves his arm through the sliding glass shower door thing and very effectively crushes the guy’s head against the wall. Then the girlfriend comes in and discovers him; she runs down to the front door, but she can’t open it, she just can’t open it, it just won’t open, and it ends with somehow Jason axe-killing her through the door from outside. They don’t show it very well and no one probably ever clearly explained to anyone how it was supposed to work.

1:09:20 - This is followed immediately by a scene that is also poorly choreographed - Bear Hunter returns with Big Sister but it’s a fakeout because for some reason they break the glass of the side door to get in, even though CF is right there. They are all frightened as if they know about deaths happening, even though they don’t know about the deaths. It’s just that the power has been spotty; that’s why things are urgent, as far as they know.

They decide to investigate the house where the young adults are staying. They are gingerly surveying the living room, and they walk right by where the projector screen murder happened, but they see no evidence of that crime.

1:11:55 - Bear Hunter tells the big sister “you stay right here with Corey”. I’m pretty sure that just happened. I think he was referring to CF, whose character is not named Corey and who also is not with them.

In a shocking piece of non-linear storytelling, a dog jumps out a window in slow motion. Art. ART.

Jason kills Bear Hunter right in front of Big Sister, and even though his mission in life has been to hunt Jason, Bear Hunter doesn’t even fight him off, he just begs Big Sister to run as Jason pounds on him. Big sister does run, but each of the house’s exits has a dead person surprise that’s too scary for her to go past so she’s stuck inside with Jason!

But CH has heard her screaming and comes across the street to be with her. Oh but wait, I think they are actually now back at their house. I missed how that happened. That chase ends with a moment where she has reason to think she might have killed him by hitting him pretty hard with a cathode ray television set with an approximately 15" screen. But no, he changes back from almost-dead to regular-Jason and chases them around some more.

1:21:45 - They must have felt like their secret weapon for this movie was slo-mo thrown-through-a-window situations because Big Sister ends a portion of being chased by Jason by throwing herself through a window and landing painfully on the ground outside. Jason’s all “you won this round Big Sister, but I’ll be back. This is not The Final Chapter of this story!”

Everyone seems to have wound up back at the young adults’ house, and CF has come up with an ingenious idea - he shaves his head to confuse Jason! Then he and Big Sister stab Jason a lot and it’s all very gory and climactic.

The way the movie ends is that Jason’s body twitches a little on the ground after they mostly kill him, and CF freaks out and stabs Jason many many, many more times! Cut to later on when Big Sister is in a hospital bed being told it will all be okay by some Caucasian men in white coats. They suggest that CF was pretty crazy for a minute there but that will pass. CF comes to give her a hug… but he looks scary! You guys, look, he looks scary! The big finish is that CF has a sinister look on his face. Cut to credits.

We never saw what happened to the Mom. Or the main girl from Part 3. Also it seems like there were some other young adults that just stopped being in the movie. How dare they.

Okay so I am halfway through this ridiculous project I have watched four of the eight Friday the 13th movies. I watched them all by myself at my home during the COVID-19 pandemic. These challenging times I tell you.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 21: Friday the 13th Part 3

We’re on a journey, you and I; a journey through the first eight Friday the 13th movies. And now we’re at the only one that I actually saw in the theater! I was 11 when this came out, and I asked my dad to take me and a friend to see it in 3D. I remember mostly being excited about all the cool older kids that were in the crowd, plus also not being at all disappointed in the overall experience of cinematic violence.

And now I’m going to see it for the first time since then… and sure enough, I have it in 3D! I wonder if on my deathbed when I’m doing a mental inventory of my lifetime of experiences, if I will realize that I saw Friday the 13th Part 3 twice, both times in 3D. Will I wish I had the 2D experience at least once? Will I wonder if my life might have been different it… okay I’ll shut up and watch it now, here goes…

Oh yeah, it does kind of suck to try taking notes while wearing the 3D glasses. Good thing this is just a Friday the 13th movie.

There is a card at the very start saying that the ladies and gentlemen of the audience must wear the glasses even though it won’t be 3D right away!

Same director as the second one. He went on to do pretty successful non-horror movies, as I recall. The writer and director of the first movie weren’t involved in any of the sequels at all, right?

Oh, the reason the beginning isn’t in 3D is because it’s a rehash of the end of the last movie. I wonder if they’ll make it so that that ending sucks less. That’s what I would do.

It’s not even edited down, it’s just the whole entire end of the last movie…

…oh, except, no, there is a new shot of Jason skulking away! And now the credits have started and there is a rockin’ new theme, and I actually remember kind of thinking the rockin’ theme was cool.

OMG the 3D here is going to be a huge problem. It is 3D, but it’s broken. You know how when you look at a 3D thing without the glasses and there’s the double vision thing? It’s like I’m seeing the 3D effect AND the double vision. Am I supposed to have 50s-style red/blue glasses? I don’t have those. This is terrible to look at and despite everything I’ve noted above I am not going to watch it in 3D after all. (I tested another 3D Blu-ray and it looked fine so this is clearly just a shitty Blu-ray product. Oh well.)

The first scene after the credits is playfully doing 3D effects at us which I now cannot experience. Woe. Woe is me.

Woman in curlers is watching the story of the last movie as a news story on TV while worrying about a lurker outside. She’s a little worried but she also realizes it’s time to take the laundry in from the clotheslines.

Not even sure what the setting is here. The news reporter called the murders from the last one “the worst crime in local history”.

The exposition has taught us about this couple who lives on this property that is a rabbit farm and a grocery store where the husband just grazes on the food. We know there’s also a lurker! But there’s also a snake in a rabbit cage that has mutilated a rabbit, and that snake jumps at the camera in some sort of Three Dimensional Effect! Plus also, lurker. Ch ch ch ch ch ha ha ha ha.

Husband checks a room and is butcher-knifed shockingly! These are not camp counselors. What did they do wrong. The wife gets killed quickly afterward, but with a different weapon, an arrow or something! Variety!

Now we’re on some new characters. Fun lovin’ young adults! One of them is a silly prankster who is insecure about his appearance. Will that play into the story later? Oh I hope so.

They all just arrived at a friend’s house to pick them up for something. But uh oh… the van is on fire, look at the smoke! They are alarmed! But ha ha ha, no, it turns out there are hippies in the back of the van smoking grass ha ha! It’s their friends that had been deliberately a secret from us until this moment.

A merry Cheech/Chong scene ensues where they think the police are on their tail so they all have to swallow the drugs! But the police just pass them and it was all for nothing ha ha.

Unlike the first two movies, this Blu-ray transfer is riddled with marks and flaws.

The next tale in this saga, this veritable Odyssey, involves an old man lying on the road, obstructing their van trip. What is wrong with him! It turns out he’s crazy; he is the sequel to the crazy old man from the first two movies. He is holding an eyeball maybe, and he tells them that his handheld eyeball means he has to warn them about doom or whatever. It doesn’t look like an eyeball. I am watching this movie.

The place they are at is some kind of ranch, not even a summer camp I don’t think, but Chris, who it seems like might be the main girl, is reacquainting herself with a house on the premises that is adorned with many paintings. Maybe I missed where they explained who they are and what this place is, but it seems like they’re just a bunch of young people who are spending a weekend at this ranch place where Chris used to hang out or live.

Insecure Guy played a trick which resulted in the 48th fakeout of the movie so far, he makes it look like he’s been hatcheted, but it was just some clownin’ with gore makeup. The dialogue is very, very unnatural.

Um, an incident just occurred at the grocery store! A different grocery store from where the opening murders happened. Insecure Guy was there with a friend, and some TUFFS show up to make trouble! They bully our protagonists and make them feel bad! That ends with Insecure Guy running over their motorcycles in a heroic moment for him. His character has a complex arc!

The TUFFS broke the windshield of the car, and all the characters are oddly tolerant of that.

The TUFFS apparently tracked our heroes to the ranch and are there to get some revenge. They gotta even the score! They’re going to do that by siphoning gas from that stoner van apparently. But the TUFF that is a girl decides to go exploring. And someone we can’t see is watching her! Hey, what kind of movie is this anyway? She is unnaturally amused by the various props on display in the barn she’s exploring. She is so pleased with her decision to go exploring.

But she hears a noise! In the barn she has trespassed into! She decides to vigilantly investigate! But a moment later we see that she noticed the rope that hangs from the side of the barn and she swings on it. She is delighted! “This feels good”, she actually exclaims while just swinging a little bit on a rope. I’m not sure the writers of this movie have ever met a person.

One of the TUFFS goes after her and finds her pitchforked! Then he gets pitchforked! Then the last remaining TUFF goes in there to investigate, having executed the masterful chess move of stealing gas out of the van, and gets in a fight with an assailant whose face we can’t see, but who appears to have clean, pressed slacks. The last TUFF gets clubbed real good.

Insecure Guy tries to tell a pretty girl that he likes her. She responds by saying “no. I’m going to go outside for a little while, and when I come back inside, we’ll talk.” That’s really how that exchange went. Have you ever been in an exchange like that.

We’re on Chris now, and she’s finally spilling the tea about her past. It turns out she was attacked by a grotesque man with a knife in the woods near her house. Just some mysterious man with a bad face. It ended with her losing consciousness and waking up with just that story which was apparently unbelievable to her parents. Glad we got to the bottom of that. Do you think this is a true story.

The way they’re showing the killer makes him less scary than in the other movies. You see it’s a male adult that has clean clothes and a casual, confident gait. We can’t see his head at all but what we can see is well lit. Sometimes it’s a fakeout because it isn’t really the killer. But sometimes it is. Like just now the stoners went to investigate a mysterious noise in the barn. They don’t find anything, but we see the killer, from the chest down, seeing them. Ch ch ch ch! Ha ha ha ha!

I think we just saw the first appearance of the hockey mask! Insecure Guy played another devious jape upon the pretty girl he was hoping to woo - she’s sitting on a dock and he grabs at her angle from underwater! Wearing a hockey mask. For some reason. He had a mask earlier, but it was a different one. Maybe his identity is “mask guy” Because in a way are not we all Mask Guy.

Jason, I guess, just killed that girl with a spear gun while wearing the hockey mask! It was a 3D gimmick death. Shot her right in the eye. I think when they had their first meeting about making this movie they just said “okay, let’s just make a list of some different murder weapons and send it over to Fred, he’ll write it up as a screenplay.”

One of the guys just got macheted! I think I do remember that from before because he was a handstand walker-arounder and he was walking on his hands when Jason came upon him and swung the machete down between his legs! It didn’t actually show it, but you know how he got sliced and ow.

That guy’s girlfriend was in the shower when that happened, and when she comes out, she is distracted when she comes upon a very enticing issue of Fangoria magazine. They’re in a bubble, the makers of this movie.

But that scene ends with her seeing her dead boyfriend in pieces above her in the rafters, and they are very gory pieces, and then she gets bowie-knifed from under the hammock as she’s laying in it! Many deaths. Oh, the many deaths.

We didn’t see Insecure Guy get killed; we only assume he’s dead because Jason has the hockey mask now.

Oh, I had just typed that when Insecure Guy arrives at the stoner girl’s door with a slashed throat. She doesn’t believe it’s real because he is such a fooler. Plus also maybe because it’s not a very good gore effect by any standards. Suddenly her boyfriend is getting killed somewhere else in a manner that has to do with an electrical box, it all happened so fast! Then she herself gets run through with a hot poker! Jason is being very diligent about killing each victim in a different way.

Pretty sure all that’s left now is Chris and her boyfriend, who were off somewhere talking about her terrible experience with a grotesque man. They are returning now, and we will soon see them realize that they are in a world of murder! murder! murder!

The boyfriend has a very square jaw. One of the squarest, really.

The most Hitchcock-y shot so far - Chris is looking out the front door and calling out for Square Jaw… she can’t see him but we can, around the corner, being muzzled by Jason just out of her view! Then she goes back inside and Jason just squishes his head with his hands! Eyeball pops out and it is 3D. Unless it isn’t, which in this case is what it is(n’t).

Chris is exploring the campus trying to get some answers, and the body of one of the TUFFS is suddenly dangled in front of her from like a tree branch or something. Then she goes inside and wonders what oh what will become of her, and Square Jaw’s body is hurled through the window. Each movie has multiple instances of bodies getting inexplicably thrown through windows and suddenly dangling out of the sky at just the right time for it to be scary.

She comes upon Jason in the house and they tussle! She stabs him in the leg with a knife that she extracted from a body that was conveniently nearby! He pulls it out and throws it at her with Olympic-caliber precision, but she still gets away.

She runs to the van and has the keys and starts it up even! Drives away and everything! But it runs out of gas so she literally just runs back to the ranch. Like, “back to the drawing board” I guess.

I can’t stress enough how odd and disappointing it is that Jason just walks and dresses like a normal man, other than the fact that above the neck he is disguised by the mask. He doesn’t limp or lurch or hunch, and again, he has clothes that, while plain, are oddly presentable for someone who is some kind of supernatural homicidal forest hermit.

Here now is another thing I remember from seeing this in Actual Nineteen Eighty Two; Jason’s hanging from this pulley thing where she thinks she has him killed or immobilized or something, and he be-s alive at her, and even lifts up the mask to show his grotesque face! It’s so that she can realize that he’s the same guy that attacked her in the woods in the story she told from several years earlier.

He’s about to get her… but one of the TUFFS is not dead, and emerges to fight Jason. That ends badly for the TUFF, he gets de-handed and just beaten down badly, but meanwhile Chris axes Jason in the head.

And here is what happens the next morning to blow our minds at the end of this movie. She has gotten in a canoe to get a good night’s sleep. All tuckered out, time to hit the canoe, right? Then in the morning she wakes up in the canoe and spots Jason with a big head wound from her axe, he’s just looking at her through a window of the house. He’s totally going to come get her. But instead of him getting her, a lady emerges from the lake and pulls her in! It’s maybe Jason’s mother? But she’s all ghoulish so we don’t really know. Seems like that’s the same sweater though. But also, her head is attached to her body, whereas the movie began by very clearly reminding us that Mom’s severed head is a cabin somewhere else. But anyway, just like in the first movie, the consequence of that surprise waterborne attack is that she is being cared for by paramedics a little later, all confused.

This is a bad movie! So bad! From this team I expected so much this exact thing.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

October 19, 2020: Friday the 13th

This is happening. I am going to watch the first eight Friday the 13th movies over the next eight evenings.

Am I an idiot. Will I even get through them all. Why.

The earlier movies in the series came out at a time when I was a pre-teen movie fan who really wanted to get past the too-scary barrier and just enjoy horror movies. I think rewatching the first couple on cable back in the early 80s helped me get used to horror movies. But it’s not like I ever was a huge fan of, just, straight slasher movies. I’d appreciate the effects and the gore, but I never thought they were excellent movies.

So here we are at the first one, still the most famous one. I remember it well enough that I don’t think anything will be scary or surprising, but it’s been so long that I suspect it will look very, very dated. Let’s pop this sukka in…

Right away we get to hear the familiar “riff” or whatever you want to call this bit in the score that goes CH CH CH CH CH HA HA HA HA HA HA. Good job coming up with that.

So they tell us that it’s Camp Crystal Lake in 1958, and we cut between teenage camp leader people doing a singalong and a POV stalkercam creeping around. It really doesn’t look like 1958 in any way. But that turns into a POV murdering of two boinking teenagers; definitely owes a debt to Halloween, which came out two years earlier. But that ends with the title of the movie shooting out toward us all and shattering some glass we didn’t know was there! Oh mercy what a surprise how will I ever get any sleep.

Ha! A crazy old man jumps in front of the nice girl and be-s all scary at her with the portentous “death curse” warning. Kinda hard to believe this movie came out in the same decade as Blue Velvet, is my comment on its dramatic maturity.

0:12:45 - Kevin Bacon’s first appearance! Do people remember that this is one of his earliest roles? Still a couple years after his small role in Animal House though, so he was actually known.

So now we’re at the camp and we see the girl who makes it to the end. She’s talking to the dude with the mustache who is, what, the owner of the camp? There’s a creepy tension maybe because they will want us to suspect he’s a bad guy later. Or maybe because awkward exchanges are a consequence of movie budgets being small. But there’s also dumb plot exposition about how, okay, fine, she’ll stay on the job until Friday but then she has to move to California to pursue her real interests. You know, art drawings!

Ooh, now the first girl, Little Miss Backpack, catches a second ride, but we don’t see the driver, it’s all POV! She’s in trouble, and we don’t know who it is! Is it Moustachio? She’s on the run through the woods! Limping, oh no! And… SLASH! That’s kind of interesting because it was looking like she might be the protagonist. But in the brilliant clarity of this very nice, newly-restored Blu-ray presentation, we see her cruelly dispatched by way of some pretty mediocre gore makeup. Good enough for what must have been a pretty low budget I guess. But hard to believe this came out just one year before An American Werewolf in London.

0:26:20 - “What Do I Do”, says the snake-chasing counselor guy. It’s a funny delivery! And I actually like some of the angles in this scene.

Now there’s this motorcycle cop character who shows up to Be A Cop at them. The actor seems like he’s not very experienced, but like he was cast because he has a weird way of talking that was amusing during the casting sessions.

Bah ha ha ha, the weird dude from town is lurking in the pantry! He emerges shockingly to deliver another warning! The only reason that happens is to make us wonder if he is the stalker. “You’re doomed! You’re all doomed!” Way to embrace that dialogue, buddy.

It’s kind of like the director didn’t give these counselor actors individual character notes; he just told them all “you are spunky young camp counselors, that’s it, that’s the direction”.

So Kevin Bacon and his girlfriend have repaired to a little cabin so they can Do It, and something that’s occurring to me is that, unlike what we’re more used to seeing in slasher movies, they aren’t focusing on the sexual attractiveness of the females. The guys and the gals are all just kind of good-lookin-enough young adults who are all into each other. I’m going to keep an eye on how this progresses as I get deeper into the series, if I even last the whole eight movies.

Whoa a dude is dead in the bunk above where they’re Doing It! We didn’t see that guy get killed even, right? He looks enough like another one of the guys that I might not have noticed his character was absent.

The KB death scene I totally remember, and at first it looks quite good and is a good shock! But because this restoration is so clean, you really notice the color difference between where it’s KB’s head and a fake body getting speared. Other than that, though, that is pretty exquisite horror movie violence, that death.

KB’s girlfriend is looking like she’s about to get murdered, and while she is in skimpy underwear, I still don’t think it’s like that to titillate us as much as to make her seem vulnerable. Am I being naïve? Maybe. The rest of the gang is playing strip poker in their quarters, but they’re such regular people and not being filmed in any kind of steamy way.

The pace really slowed down after those couple of bloody murders, but audiences at the time were probably pretty shocked by how bloody they were. Both of those deaths were very much in close-up. At this point in the movie, though, there’s a more careful suspense. We go back to Moustachio, chatting in a diner, then having car trouble. It’s plodding in a way that seems actually pretty smart. I feel suspense building.

0:56:58 - I don’t remember this scene at all… one of the girls is all by herself and she clearly hears someone calling for help. It’s not done in a “maybe it’s the supernatural echo of the drowning boy’s screams” way. It’s just a lure. The girl goes outside, someone turns floodlights on… and we cut away just as she’s ostensibly about to get all killed up.

So now it’s just the short-haired girl and the dark haired guy that didn’t die yet. Are they the last ones left? Other than Moustachio? That happened quick!

1:02:10 - First mention of it being Friday the 13th. It’s really not significant to the story or to the whole series. They were clearly just stoked that they claimed “Friday the 13th” as a property.

Moustachio just got killed; no violence; it was just so we could see that he recognized the killer. Plus also now we know for sure he’s not the killer, even though we figured that because he was off at the diner while killings were happening. Our minds are really spinning trying to solve this diabolical mystery!

I do like how they are drawing out the suspense at this point. Lots of little moments where maybe a lurker is about to get them.

How come people used to make coffee in the exact same was as they make hot cocoa? Just get a mug and put some coffee crystals in there and some sugar, then pour boiling water in there and serve?

Boom! After all that meticulous slow action, dude is dead on the door! Up until this point, the main girl had no idea that actual deaths were going on, and suddenly she’s the only one left alive! It is exciting to watch her figure out what she’ll do.

What she does first is go all in on blocking one door. It’s kind of unintentionally funny, and also maybe that’s what any of us would come up with.

In case she wasn’t sure if the other gals were still around, a cadaver of one of them is heaved in front of her through a window! Just like that she undoes all her door work because she sees a jeep pull up. Are we supposed to recognize it as Bad Jeep from earlier? I think we are. It’s a nice lady, but we are suspicious because Bad Jeep. But why would she throw a girl through a window and then just a few minutes later arrive in a Jeep?

The Jason’s Mom actress is awesome, super intense. Only problem is that it’s a little hard to believe that she’s twenty years on from being a mother of a kid who was at a camp.

The main girl is on the run and found a rifle, and is just like OMG where is ammo, and she looks as desperate as I’d be. This is fine, you guys. Fine work. Fine, fine work.

1:26:40 - We’re near the end. The chase devolved into an I-found-you-hiding-in-the-pantry fight. Jason’s Mom got laid out on the floor and there was a little blood, so the main girl was like, time to just kneel by a canoe with my back to all of everything. But Mom is there and the fight ends with her being beheaded, because somehow there was a machete there that only the main girl knew about! The machete from the snake incident earlier that was in a totally different place, I guess. So she rewards herself with a midnight canoe ride by herself on the lake, which honestly should have been pretty free of murderers, not that dumb a move.

What is dumb is this ending. She wakes up in the hospital, vocally convinced that The Boy Jason pulled her under, even though she didn’t see what happened because he grabbed her from behind. But there were cops there looking right at her at that time, they should have seen. Also, like, so do you slip into a coma when you fall overboard or something? Last time I got fully submerged in water I didn’t wake up in the hospital with lots of questions.

So that’s that! I watched Friday the 13th and told you what I was thinking as I watched it. It is not without virtues and the Blu-ray transfer looks very nice, but it is a slasher movie whose intended audience is no more nuanced than the undefined blob of camp counselor characters that make up most of the movie.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019)

I mostly like Quentin Tarantino’s movies, but when I saw this in the theater I considered it one of his worst. But I still liked some stuff about it. I liked the thick atmosphere of late-sixties Los Angeles, and I liked Leonardo DiCaprio’s character’s arc & his performance, and I liked some of the playful touches, even though some of them feel indulgent. “Indulgence” is a big concern when it comes to evaluating QT’s movies. Sometimes his indulgences are charming and sometimes not so much. I’m kind of hoping a second viewing will make me like this movie a bit more. Okay, here goes…

Vintage Columbia logo. That kind of thing always works well on me.

First five minutes or so are cinematic in a familiar way, not much to note. But at about 0:06:15 there’s a jarring little interruption where a narrator tells us LD just lied. The only moment of narration at all.

Then Al Pacino is reflecting on some of the movies he’s been watching, and we see some clips. They look kind of vintage, but also kind of Tarantino-y. Like, that scene where LD torches Nazis doesn’t actually look like it could be from the 60s.

“Bounty Law! Starring Rick Dalton!” Then a cut to a dorky TV musical sketch. Kind of funny. Not subtle. I love that announcer voice that says “Bounty Law!”

One thing that often works well in QT movies is when he has an actor deliver, and savor delivering, a weighty minute or so of dialogue that really sets up a situation. Think Christopher Walken’s monologue in Pulp Fiction or the first scene with Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds. This AP conversation where he talks to LD about where to take his career is like a mini version of one of those but doesn’t last as long.

0:15:10 - First really nice period shot of LA. Very nice to look at.

I think the intended audience for this movie knows details about the Manson murders that most moviegoers don’t actually know. For example, the ominous close-up of the sign for Cielo Drive. I don’t think it’s a mistake; I think he’s knowingly alienating some viewers so he can give a better experience to those who do know about them. So I can’t imagine recommending this movie without also strongly suggesting studying the Manson murders first.

Brad Pitt speeds down a boulevard in West Hollywood, a filming location which has been very lovingly decorated in the style of the period. The production design of this movie was rightly heralded.

Sequence with BP in his trailer making dinner for himself and his dog. Vivid; at one point they cut to a closeup of a pinup poster. Doesn’t seem to be a reason for that except for “I’m Quentin Tarantino and I do whatever I feel like”. Indulgent, is what I’m saying.

Also indulgent is this minute we’re spending watching Roman Polanski drive to this party at the Playboy mansion.

I don’t remember noticing this before, but that’s Damian Lewis playing Steve McQueen and that’s kind of perfect.

Scene where Kurt Russell is telling LD that BP has a creepy vibe and killed his wife, then we cut abruptly to apparently a scene of BP having a mundane argument with his wife maybe… okay, leaves the audience wanting more info, but maybe in kind of an irritating way.

Now this scene with Bruce Lee holding forth. Bruce Lee probably didn’t generally speak in arrogant, bullying Quentin Tarantino monologues. Entertaining scene though.

But the left-me-wanting conversation from the previous scene helps this scene with Bruce Lee be more tense. Also the not-ringing-true snottiness of Bruce Lee makes it funny how that fight goes down.

0:52:30 - Okay, LD is in costume as a bad guy on a show, and he’s got the long hippy hair that was spoken of in the AP scene. Just saying, I like that it was described and now we’re seeing what I’d pictured.

And now this memorable conversation between LD and the little girl actress. The kid acts so grown up. This could have failed because of course no eight year old talks like this girl. But this scene is awesome. And without movies by QT, there aren’t scenes like this.

Now Margot Robbie. We’ve seen her in a few scenes so far as Sharon Tate, but she’s only been depicted as a dancing starlet bopping around town. For those of us that know she’s a Manson victim, it works in a certain way. But does it work otherwise?

Okay, this is a peculiar part of the movie, it’s pretty fun but kind of insider-y. LD is talking about being in the running for Steve McQueen’s role in The Great Escape, and they edit in some outstanding CGI scenes of LD in the actual movie of The Great Escape. Playful, but just a weird bit of color…

…but then here’s this next scene where MR, playing Sharon Tate, happens upon a cinema playing a movie she’s in, and after a leisurely-paced interaction with the cinema workers, she goes in and watches the movie. Unlike the CGI trickery demonstrated in the last scene with LD, we watch actual Sharon Tate on screen. MR is visibly delighted to see “herself”, and to hear the audience reacting to her performance. It all works, maybe more in spite of than because of QT’s ever-present choice-broadcasting (which is also why we get a good look at MR’s feet in this scene).

This is followed immediately by the sequence of the TV show LD is shooting. More playful indulgence. We see the scene edited as it probably would have been edited in 1969, but shot with modern cinematography, and interrupted by LD calling for his line, then backing up and redoing some of the scene. Can it be justified beyond just the undeniable fact that it’s pretty interesting? Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I’m being a snob, but also, what, was I not supposed to acknowledge it at least?

Stuff now starting with BP picking up Margaret Qualley’s dirty hippy flirty cultist character. Before she even has any lines, the screen is practically bulging from the force of MQ’s personality. It’s entertaining.

1:28:30 - More of the TV show. We get to see LD’s character be a good actor, and impress the director and the kid actor, which touches him, it’s nice.

It’s an hour and 38 minutes into the movie, and now we’re to the scene on Spahn’s Movie Ranch. I’m already thinking that by now we should be deeper into some kind of story than we are, and now this scene that I remember vividly. Not totally in a bad way, but for all the good things about it, it is stretched way out. Suspense is built up, skillfully, but without the kind of payoff we’d probably like. I mean, it’s like a horror movie, with the rat squirming in the trap and the tense music and the “HE MAY BE TIRED” line from Dakota Fanning, but then it’s back to not being a horror movie….

…in fact, it’s on to this charismatic-tough-guy scene that feels Pulp-Fiction-y. Our MINDS are BLOWN that he hit the guy so hard and made the cultists so mad, it’s a fantasy come to life, but just in a movie!!! This stuff is long, but not THAT boring, but maybe it could have been a little less boring, plus more relevant to later events.

LD and BP are now watching an episode of a show he’d done. Way more violent than TV shows probably were in 1969. They like watching his little “heavy” role and chuckling about it.

Then a SIX MONTHS LATER card, and some narration for the first time since that little jokey bit in the beginning. Also jokey is the fact that this new section is narrated, VERY narrated, and is the fact that Kurt Russell is the narrator also jokey?

2:02:50 - “…going back to Missouri.” LD’s character is from Missouri? With that accent? Is this also an in-joke?

The aforementioned narration persists for a long time. Seems gratuitous. QT was clearly like “We’ll do the first two hours of the picture without a narrator, and then suddenly there will be a whole bunch of stupid narration hahahahahahaha! No one else would do that!!! That’s reason enough for me to do it!!!!”

Finale is going on now with the Manson cultist killer people approaching the house. If you know what really happened, you’re freaking out. But if you know what really happened and you already know how this movie changes that story… it’s entertaining. What I’m saying is that it’s funny this second time through, without the worry about seeing what really transpired.

“And you were on a horsie!” “Nah something dumber than that” Hahaha BP is super funny in this scene.

Dang, the dog just mutilates Tex, and it’s funny!

He violences that woman very very very much, it’s nuts, kind of funny but so disturbing.

LD flamethrowers that girl in the pool. She’s in the pool. But still dies from being on fire. /shrug

We never did get the whole story about BP killing his wife.

The last scene, MR talks to LD, inviting him up for a friendly drink with her friends. It ends with us thinking how nice it would be if she and her friends hadn’t been the victims of a cruel slaughter just moments earlier. That’s not a bad way to end a movie. But it’s a long movie, and I’ll say this again: indulgent. You might not feel that in on the jokes, and even if you do, you might not have as much time for them as this movie requires.

[zawmer]

Here again is where I rewatch a movie and take live notes about it and then post those notes and you maybe read the notes.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

May 4: The Rise of Skywalker

Source: UK 3D Blu-ray

I saw this at pretty much the very first available showing, and haven’t watched it since. But since I had the other Disney-era ones in 3D, and I still have the capability to watch 3D movies at home, I decided to complete my Blu-ray collection by ordering the British 3D Blu-ray, like I’d done with The Last Jedi. So now I’m going to see it at home for the first time, in 3D for the first time, and take notes like I’ve been doing.

My reaction when I saw this on opening night was that it was a lot of fun. I didn’t think it was as good as The Last Jedi. Overall it feels like a trilogy where the first priority was to avoid the mistakes of the prequels, and the second priority was to have them be fun movies. Mission accomplished, but the actual story of this trilogy is only marginally satisfying. But I left that opening night screening excited about all the neat things I’d witnessed. And now I shall press play and do some re-witnessing…

Emperor Palpatine, the opening crawl tells us. He wasn’t someone we were expecting to be part of the plot of this movie, was it?

First scene after the opening shot is a slow-mo land battle, visually different from Star Wars movies in general. Dude kills 100% of everyone then plucks a mysterious relic from a mysterious relic. He’s on a Tomb-raider-y treasure hunt.

It takes him to a Tomb Raider-y lair… and there are creatures in green liquid ahhh!

“…some consider to be… UNNATURAL”, that line from Episode III. Very love it. Good reference.

The image of all those Star Destroyers is super super super cool.

And now after a calculated bit of lightness in the Millennium Falcon, the good guys arrive at a super neat looking planet thing. Not even ten minutes in and we’ve seen three inventive new planet environments.

And now a chase, “lightspeed skipping”, and each skip is a cool space place, all different, one of them has a big monster! They are tuned into what’s good about Star Wars movies, these Rise of Skywalker makers.

Also, Finn and Poe seem to have settled into their roles as funny supporting-character buddies. The first movie really seemed to be beginning a more dramatic arc for Finn, but it doesn’t feel like that’s happening any more.

0:15:36 - Rose Tico sighting! Her arc blunted as well. Be nice if she joined them on this mission they’re about to leave on.

Really kind of surprising how much footage there is of Carrie Fisher, who died years before this came out.

Okay now we’re back with Kylo Ren on this planet that’s the equivalent of that orc-factory in Lord of the Rings. What’s he doing? Collaborating with some ukky beings. Fixing his helmet. Hm.

Bit of humor in the conference room scene, again calculated.

Back to our heroes and they’re on another neat new planet with color clouds & celebratory visuals, pleasant.

0:23:40 - Very cinematic Rey-Kylo cross-galaxy conversation, cool.

Lando saves them from stormtroopers, and is therefore given the honor of the “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” line.

0:28:00 Speeder chase in the desert, and the stormtrooper speeders launch them up and they fly! Cool!

Hah, there’s a gag where Rey fires up her light saber and Poe tries to do that too but his is just a flashlight, cute.

Okay, here’s this scene I like where there’s a serpent monster in their Tomb Raider cave, and Ray figures out that the monster just needs to be force healed so she does it and it helps them. Sounds corny but I like it.

0:36:00 - we see the Ren gang on a plateau and here a new music theme. I’m not much noticing the new music themes in the Star Wars movies of the 2010s, but there’s one.

This scene. The Kylo/Rey meeting in the desert. It was heavily teased in the trailer and it would have been more effective if we hadn’t seen so much of it in the trailer. Also there’s a who-can-magic-harder duel that ends up killing Chewy, except that we don’t have to believe that very very long.

“Let’s do that!” about wiping C-3POs memory, John Boyega’s exceptional comic timing on display again.

0:45:40 - We’re on this new planet now, which is so Poe can find the person that can do a memory wipe of 3-3PO, right? It’s fast-paced, this movie.

“We sent out a call for help at the battle of Krait, nobody came” says Poe. Am I forgetting that drama from The Last Jedi? I know he’s talking about that final battle from that movie, but I didn’t remember a despairing “no one is coming”, at least not like it was a huge, shocking letdown.

I like the little Babu creature but we don’t get much of it, do we

Poe is all “did she do that to us” when he sees her Force-hypnotize the stormtroopers, haha

0:58:10 - Pretty unique shot, dollying backwards facing Poe & Finn shooting stormtroopers we can’t see until they fall in front of the camera

“Your parents were no one… they CHOSE to be” here’s where it starts to seem like this movie doesn’t like where the last movie was going & made it be different. If this were an improv class the teacher would be like, “remember the principle of ‘yes AND…’”

Okay, this bit coming up where General Hux saves them & says he’s the spy. It's… funny? And dumb? Maybe? Sort of a tawdry end to this character in the trilogy maybe?

“You.. Are a Palpatine.” Dun dun dunnnnnnn. Okay sure I guess. This isn’t what I’m into Star Wars movies for; I wouldn’t have had it be about this.

They get to the new planet and Rey figures out how to use the knife tool to find where to go, it’s so like a Tomb Raider game that I feel like I’m reading a cheat guide on GameSpot

Now Finn is bonding with the girl on the planet who is also a stormtrooper deserter, makes that whole Finn subplot make more sense.

Rey swiped a cool watercraft to go to the wreck of the Death Star and I just want to point out once again that I like the vehicle design in Star Wars movies.

1:13:10 - overhead shot of said vehicle is the first notable example of something that looks good in 3D in this movie. I’m inclined to say you really shouldn’t feel like you’re missing out if you’re seeing this in 2D.

She’s in a vision cave on the wrecked Death Star. She fights HER OWN SELF for a second, and bad-Rey rawrs at her in a way that reminds me of when Bilbo does that in the first Lord of the Rings movie. I liked it there and I like it here.

1:18:05 - First bit of my beloved “Han Solo and the Princess” theme, so lovely

Now Rey and Kylo are saber dueling all over this wreck with waves everywhere and it reminds me of the big climactic duel in Episode III where it seems like the duelers are going out of their way to duel in a cool looking place.

Everything gets all dramatic in a way that doesn’t really get explained - Leia very deliberately says “Ben”, then dies, but it affects Kylo allowing Rey to kill him, but then she un-kills him with Force magic because “I did want to take your hand” and then bounces. And it’s not over with this kind of thing, because Kylo has a not-really-real conversation with his played-by-OMG-Harrison-Ford father, and he symbolically hurls his awesome saber away. So where are we now? We’re in some drama, that’s where. I miss cool vehicles and inventive creature design!

1:27:45 - Modded-up Star Destroyer emerges from lightspeed and it’s another cool 3D effect.

And then it blows up the planet where Poe’s ex-girlfriend was and it looks cool, but we could have used her to be around more. Wait, does she not-be-dead later or something? Probably.

Okay, very corny sequence happening now, it’s the pep talk between Rey and ghost-Luke, it ends with a smirking Luke raising up an X-wing like he couldn’t do in Empire Strikes Back, so I guess that plot point is tidied up.

Okay, we got past that drama and now there’s a very simple Saint-Crispin’s-Day speech riling up the troops so they can go to that mystery planet for the final battle, and interest level has picked up.

1:41:28 - Hey a shot of Rey going through a wall gap is a reference to the earlier cool-in-3D shot of the watercraft & the Death Star wreck.

And here’s something that internet assholes picked on - they ride horse-things on the Star Destroyers. Lighten up comrades, maybe this just isn’t your kind of space adventure movie.

Rey gets in the mystery-edifice and holy hell it’s creepy! There’s an audience of thousands of cultists in black stone bleacher seats, chanting in perfect unison! It’s downright Kubrick-y!

They really had fun with the lighting in the Palpatine room. Also, there are red stormtroopers on the Star Destroyers and aren’t they pretty.

Palpatine is trying to convince Rey that she should embrace hatred and hill him and rule the galaxy in ritual hatred with a chanting congregation of hooded dipshits. Will it work? He does have a very compelling speaking voice. But here comes Kylo! He has had a change of heart or something!

“The life force in your bond,” he narrates, and then bad-magics them super hard!  We never could have anticipated that evil force spells could thwart their plans.

1:54:20 - very satisfying shot of a giant fleet of good guys coming to save the day. They hit us with the idea of no one coming to save them, and just like when Han Solo swooped in in the first movie, it feels good that this time someone else did show up. And yes it includes Poe’s girlfriend and that charismatic little varmint!

Super cool to see Star Destroyers get blown up.

Also cool when Palpatine super-zaps lots of good guy spaceships. Sound is neat on that also. This intense visual/aural experience is what I was thinking about for a while after first seeing this movie.

Rey beats Palpatine by having that surprise second light saber. Whatever, this is a super cool looking scene with all the bad guys in that chamber getting wasted.

Other cool battle climax imagery happens up in the sky, even though it’s kind of hard to see what exactly physically happened to save Finn and those guys on the crashing Star Destroyer.

Kylo… what??? Didn’t die when he just disappeared into a crevasse??? Quel surprise! He’s super-reformed now and heals Rey up with his tender love for her. They kiss, their carnal desires overtaking them, they are high on the most ethical lust the galaxy has ever known! And he dies and disappears, but is visibly satisfied. I feel okay mocking this because I suspect no one likes it. And then it moves on to really cool aftermath visuals that are crazy fun to watch. They are experiencing the great victory in other planets from the other movies, and to the tune of John Williams themes from movies past.

Maz presents Chewy with a special medal, am I supposed to know what that’s about? They’re giving it major gravity.

So the movie, the trilogy, and the Skywalker Saga ends with a scene of Rey returning to Tatooine to bury the two important light sabers, but also whip out another one she had, and then tell a townie that she’s named Rey SKYWALKER, and the final moment is of her gazing at the two suns with the Binary Sunset theme playing us out. What I like about that is that it sends the message that that moment from the original Star Wars, elevated to greatness largely by John Williams stirring theme, is the pinnacle of cinematic experiences that were brought to us by this series.

I like this movie less than any of the Disney-era movies for sure, and I think after watching it a second time, it lacks some specialness that could have allowed it to hold up better against the best Star Wars movies. But I wouldn’t say it’s bad, and I certainly wouldn’t advise against seeing it.

[zawmer]

This is from my other Tumblr blog, the one where I studiously take notes as I watch a movie that I’ve already seen at some point in my life. They are kind of indulgent, and yet I like them.

[zawmer]

OOPT Episode 3

Here is episode 3 of our podcast! If you're just joining us... whatever! You can listen to just some of them! Or none of them! But preferably not NONE of them. It's a silly game show, folks!

I have a podcast! I produce it and I’m in it. It’s just me and my friends playing Fictionary, but it’s in an entertaining enough way that you might like listening to it.

This is episode 3. There’s also a 2 and a 1. There’s no real order, though. 

New episodes on the 1st and 15th of every month. Available on iTunes, Google Play Music, SoundCloud, Stitcher, Tunein, and any podcast app that uses the APIs of those providers. Which is pretty much everywhere. Our podcast is everywhere OMG!

[zawmer]

These photos are from the recording of a new podcast that I'm making with Ariel, Jenny, Kai, and Marshall. It's called "Of Or Pertaining To". Coming in November!

[zawmer]

This exchange was on a post linking to this article about Jeff Session’s religious extremism. I don’t know any of the people talking. (Also, I’m not familiar with patheos.com or its journalistic reputability.) 

The first comment from “Raymon” is about separation of church and state being constitutional. 

When my comments are all “does not protect practices that aren’t religious”, that’s based on clicking through a link in the article that goes directly to this book, where Sessions is quoted as saying “Today we would best understand the actual context of the First Amendment by saying, ‘Congress shall make no law establishing one Christian denomination as the national denomination’. Whatever is not a religion is not protected.”